


Beauty and the Beast

by MiriamMT



Series: Gallavich FanFiction [15]
Category: Shameless (US)
Genre: Angst, Bipolar Ian Gallagher, Child Abuse, Debbie Gallagher & Mickey Milkovich Friendship, Domestic Ian Gallagher/Mickey Milkovich, Fear, First Kiss, First Time Blow Jobs, Hurt Mickey Milkovich, Hurt/Comfort, Ian Gallagher Loves Mickey Milkovich, Jealous Ian Gallagher, Jealous Mickey Milkovich, M/M, Married Ian Gallagher/Mickey Milkovich, Mickey Milkovich Loves Ian Gallagher, Minor Lip Gallagher/Mandy Milkovich, Parents Ian Gallagher/Mickey Milkovich, Past Abuse, Protective Mickey Milkovich, Smut, Terry Milkovich's A+ Parenting
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-03
Updated: 2021-03-08
Packaged: 2021-03-08 23:40:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 24
Words: 157,600
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27375103
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MiriamMT/pseuds/MiriamMT
Summary: Ian and Mickey started as fuckbuddies, it could have been simple, but feelings come into play. Ian has to fight hard for Mickey to become his boyfriend and while everything seems fine at first both of them have to learn how to deal with their insecurities and individual challenges - from Mickey's fear to hurt Ian to Ian's bipolar disorder.~~~~~~~~~~“When we got together, you said that you don’t want to be in a relationship with me, because you were so afraid that you might treat me like your dad treated your mother and I didn’t get it, you know?  I didn’t think that you could ever be like that and that fear was so irrational to me... I couldn’t understand it.”, he said lowly and he leaned his head back and stared at the ceiling of the car.“And now I can. I get it now. What that feels like”, his face twitched and he started crying harder again, “Because I’m fucking terrified of being my mother and treating you like my mother treated us. And I don’t want to put you through that. I already put you through enough. And you said, then, that you don’t want to learn not to hit people at my expense. And I don’t want to learn to not be a mess at your expense.”
Relationships: Debbie Gallagher/Sandy Milkovich, Ian Gallagher/Mickey Milkovich, Lip Gallagher/Mandy Milkovich
Series: Gallavich FanFiction [15]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1551802
Comments: 72
Kudos: 202





	1. We're just having fun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Usually, I update my fanfictions daily, I'm able to do that, bc I usually finish or almost finish writing them before posting, but not with this one. I want to see what you think about this concept and how you like it. I will try to write as fast and as well as possible, but this week is also the first week of University again. (I have a course for R.L Stevenson - so excited!) 
> 
> Also, the title "Beauty and the Beast" Isn't as one-dimensional as it may seem. Who's the beast? Who's the beauty? Can these roles change? May some characters even be both at the same time?

Mickey recently got out of juvie again. Before he went in, he fronted out a bunch of coke at school, time to collect his money.

He planned to buy something _fun_ from the money. Mickey couldn't help himself but grin at the mere thought of what he was about to buy. He had his eyes on some nice, big Ben Wa Beads for a while now. And all the time he spent in the can he had one thought - getting those Beads and making Ian Gallagher use them on him. Yeah, it's gonna be _fun_.

Mickey opened the doors to the school halls. Victor was at his locker, the fucker owed him thirty bucks at least.

He walked over and punched the locker next to him, making him jump.

"Hey, Vicky."  
"Oh hell", he mumbled, he looked like he was about to shit his pants, and he was right to do so if he didn't have Mickey's money.  
"Time to pay up."  
"They let you out?", his voice was a little shaky, amusing.  
"Good behaviour." - well, the thought of having _fun_ with Ian made him behave like an angel in prison.

"I thought I had four more months!", he tried to talk himself out of it.  
Mickey sighed, "Think again."

He started to take shit out of his locker, looking for anything valuable that he could take from him.

"I- I don't have the money on me"  
"Sucks to be you, doesn't it?", he ruffled through the loose papers and pencils in the locker, there was an old sandwich, which was definitely not edible anymore, “Fuck, man, clean this damn thing for once, will you?”, he shook his head and threw the things on the ground rather ungently, at the back of the locker he now saw something interesting. Mickey took the flat, rectangular thing – it was an old Nintendo DSi in surprisingly good shape.

“Please, no, that’s my sister’s”   
“Shut up”, Mickey opened it, the bottom screen was slightly scratched, silly stickers were on the lid and inside, under the speakers, other than that it was in a great condition, the damn pen was even still there, “Is it still working?”, he asked while turning it on.  
“Y-yes, but it belongs to my sister, she’ll kill me if it goes missing.”  
“Oh, that’s why it’s in the far back of your locker behind a living Sandwich, yeah? No, this is mine now. Always wanted to have one.”

Mickey checked the game that was still inside the Nintendo, “What’s this?”  
“I don’t know. I think some baby game.”  
“You know what, I think I’m in the mood for a deal now”, Mickey said and smirked at Victor, “Tomorrow you will either bring me the cash or every game for this you can find. If you bring me the games, I will keep this and give you, let’s call it a discount. If I see you tomorrow and you brought me neither, I will shove this thing up your ass. Understood me?”

Victor swallowed hard and nodded quickly.

“Good boy”, Mickey smirked and started to walk away, “Now clean this shit up”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ian and Mickey were at the old, abandoned building at the edge of the south side. The old stone buildings with holes in the walls, surrounded by fields of yellow grass and weeds were great to hide at during the summer months. No one ever came here so it became their place. It was the only place they could spend some longer time with each other, talk and have sex for as long as they wanted to without being seen by anyone. Usually, if Mickey would have to name one, he would call the high school bleachers their spot. But they could never stay there for long during the day, it was too public, people might see them. In the building, they had an old mattress and clean sheets they brought from home, a blanket and a secret stash of weed and drinks.

The two were lying on the mattress without the blanket, it was summer, and they were still sweaty and hot from steamy sex. Ian was grinning and Mickey was smoking, these were the kind of moments Mickey loved, that he cherished and thought of when he lay alone in his bed at home.

Mickey passed on the cigarette to Ian and turned on his stomach, he sighed deeply, “I want a pillow. We need a pillow for this place.”

Ian chuckled, he took his and Mickey’s T-shirts and rolled them together to a soft ball, he lifted Mickey’s head up, placed the pillow in front of him and gently pushed his head down again.

“Thanks”, Mickey said closed his eyes for a moment. Ian looked at him smiling, he looked like he just had the most pleasant thought, not of the sexual kind, no it had to be something quite romantic. If it would have been humanly possible, Ian Gallagher’s pupils would have turned into sweet little hearts while watching Mickey lying on the makeshift pillow.

They stayed like this for a while, until Mickey remembered the Nintendo he had swiped today.

“Gallagher”  
“Hm?”  
“Can you give me that backpack there?”

Ian leaned over to his left, he was always lying on the left side, and pulled the backpack to them, Mickey used it to transport lube and snacks and that sort of thing.

“Did you bring some candy?”  
“Of course, I did, I know you for a while now, don’t I?”, Mickey grinned, he took the backpack from him and pulled out a bag of those sour coke bottle gummies that Ian loved.  
“I never get why you want sour candy. Isn’t the whole point of candy to be sweet?”  
Ian scoffed dramatically, “So uncultured”, he shook his head.

Mickey grinned and then got the Nintendo out of the backpack while Ian started eating the candy.

“What you got there?”, Ian asked and now turned on his stomach too.

Mickey turned on the Nintendo and started the game. He had already played on it a bit earlier. The game that was still in there was about taking care of a virtual baby. Not exactly what Mickey wanted to play, but it was the only game he had, and he wanted to play something.

“I got it from some kid who couldn’t pay me”  
“Pay for what?”  
“Sour candy, Gallagher, what do you think?”  
“Cocaine?”  
“I’m not talking business with you, you know that.”

Ian rolled his eyes and looked at the screens of the thing.

“You’re taking care of a baby?”, he chuckled.  
“Shut up, it was in there. Victor is bringing more games tomorrow. Besides, it’s not that bad, it beats boredom for a while.”  
“What’s his name?”  
“Mickey Jr. Obviously.”  
“Obviously”, Ian nodded and laughed. He watched him play with the virtual baby for a while. Mickey looked almost too adorable trying to feed the baby.

“Here”, Mickey said eventually and gave him the Nintendo, “He needs a new diaper, I want some of those gummy coke things too.”  
“Why do I have to change his diaper?”, Ian asked while they switched.

“Tss, typical”, Mickey lay on his back and threw his head back dramatically, suddenly letting himself fall into the role of a lonely housewife, “It’s your child too, you will manage to do at least one thing today, will ya? I’ve been home alone with him all day, cooking and cleaning while you were getting drunk all day”  
Ian laughed at him but played along, “I was at work, one of us has to bring some money in! I work all day to put some dinner on the table, show some gratefulness!”, he said in a deep voice.  
“Dinner on the table? Where? I have to cook; you didn’t even go grocery shopping! The only thing you put on the table are your dirty feet, maybe I should cook them!”  
“My dirty feet are still better than any dinner you could possibly cook!”

Mickey gasped loudly and Ian had to laugh, “How dare you?! You know what, I’ve had it! I want a divorce.”  
“A divorce? Who will take you other than me? With no home and a child?”

Mickey looked at him trying to think of a good counter, “I’m fucking your brother. “  
“You’re what?”  
“Maybe I’ll leave you for him, maybe it’s not even your baby”  
“How dare you, of course, he’s my baby.”  
“Yeah? When are you supposed to have ever knocked me up? You’re barely able to get it up twice a year.”

Ian closed the Nintendo and then climbed on top of Mickey, pinning his hands down next to his head, “I’m not able to get it up, huh? I’m not?”, he chuckled, and Mickey started laughing when Ian let go of one of his hands and started to tickle him, “You wanna repeat that, Milkovich?”  
“Fucker”, Mickey was trying to push him away and stop him from tickling him, but Ian remained in control, “Let me go!”  
“Only if you admit that I’m the best lay you ever had”

Mickey giggled and pushed his leg against Ian’s hip to push him off, but it was no use, “Fuck you! You’re not, your brother is better at it”  
“Oh yeah?”, Ian stopped tickling him, their bodies were pressed against each other, Ian was holding Mickey’s wrists and their faces were just a few inches away from each other, both panting, “What’s his name? Huh? Which one?”  
Mickey smirked, “His name’s Ian, best fucking lay of my life.”  
Ian grinned down at him, “You sure?”  
“Yes, very damn sure.”, he whispered and wrapped his legs around Ian’s hips, “Where’s that damn lube?”

Ian reached for the lube next to the mattress, he looked down at Mickey, into his eyes and again, he smiled like he just had the happiest thought.

“What?”, Mickey asked smiling.  
“Nothing”, he whispered, “I was just thinking about something nice."  
“About what?”  
“Mhmm…”, he smirked down at him and bit his bottom lip, “Can’t you guess it?”  
Mickey chuckled, “Huh… My ass?”  
“No”  
“The candy?”  
“No”  
“Buying flavoured lube next?”  
“That sounds nice indeed, but not what I meant.”  
“Getting a pillow? That’s what I think would be nice.”  
“I’ll bring you a pillow from home tomorrow.”

Mickey smiled up at him and ran his hand, Ian let go without a fight, through Ian’s hair.  
“What nice thing were you thinking about?”, he asked and ran his finger along Ian’s freckles on his cheek to his nose.

“I thought how nice it would be to kiss you now”  
Mickey bit his bottom lip and fixed his eyes on a specific freckle over the right corner of Ian’s mouth.  
“How nice do you think would it be?”  
“Very. Also, it’s incredibly hard to not kiss you when we’re having sex like this… it’s always hard to not kiss you. But last time I tried, you said you’d cut my tongue out, and I can’t blow you without my tongue so there’s that.”  
“You don’t blow me one way or another.”  
“It’s definitely on my to-do list for this summer.”  
“Yeah?”, Mickey smiled and licked his bottom lip, “Maybe kissing you is on my to-do list for this summer.”

Ian slowly pulled his bottom lip in and looked at Mickey’s face, he only dared to ask his next question in a whispering tone, “Why do you always refuse to kiss me anyway?”  
Mickey looked at his lips, how perfect they looked like pretty much everything else about Ian Gallagher too.

Why didn’t he dare to kiss him after they had sex for the first time? Because after the first time of touching Ian he knew he was addicted. Besides his better judgement, he kept going back to Ian to touch him, to sleep with him. They even built this little secret happiness bubble in these buildings here.  
If Mickey would now also kiss Ian Gallagher… he would become wax in Ian’s hands. He could have complete control over him. He would end up doing anything for the happy ginger. He would kill for him. He would give more meaning to their whole relationship than there actually was – He would become jealous of other guys more than he already did; he would lose control over himself.

He would fall in love with Ian Gallagher for good.

And he would stop the world from turning if he asked him too.

He was already too close to get all those feelings anyways. Every day he didn’t get to see Ian was a bad day, every moment he got to spend with him was a good moment. When he was sad, he thought about Ian to cheer himself up. When he was happy, he had the urge to tell Ian about it, which was pointless because Ian was almost always the source for his happiness anyways.

Of course, Mickey could, theoretically, tell Ian this.  
“I refuse to kiss you because I’m afraid I might fall in love with you if I did” – but he would never admit that.

So, Mickey just lay under Ian and smirked and shrugged, “I don’t kiss people who immediately turn around and kiss others afterwards. That’s all. I’ve seen the guys that tongue has been in. No thank you."  
Ian chuckled, “If you want me to stop kissing them, that can be arranged.”

“Not to be bold, but why can’t you stop fucking them all together?”  
“Oh, what do I hear there? Does Mickey Milkovich want to be monogamous with me?”  
Mickey rolled his eyes, “Fuck off. I just hate the thought of you fucking those seniors. You’re fucking 17, Gallagher. It’s disgusting.”

“Yeah, but you should see the presents I get in return.”  
“What could they possibly give you that makes up for the taste of 60 years old cum?”  
Ian shrugged, “Would you still be so grumpy if I get some games for that Nintendo out of them?”  
“Possibly.”, he whispered even though he knew very well, that no present from either Ian or his affairs could ease his anger and disgust at the thought of others touching Ian.

Ian Gallagher belonged to no one. He took who he wanted and everybody who got him for a night should be happy about it. He also didn’t belong to Mickey, so Mickey could be upset and jealous all he wanted, but it didn’t change that Ian would continue to see those other people, as long as he could get an advantage out of it.

“Let’s forget about that. When you make me think about them too much, I can’t get it up anymore.”, Mickey said and sighed.  
Ian’s smile shrank, he nodded and took the lube.  
“Do you think”, Ian asked lowly and let his hands wander down Mickey’s pale body, he gently grabbed Mickey’s cock, making him gasp lightly, “I’ll get to kiss you before the summer break starts?”  
“Why is kissing me so important to you?”

Ian shrugged while jerking Mickey’s cock, “Maybe I like the shape of your lips”, he whispered and leaned down to kiss his cheek, “Maybe I wouldn’t care so much if you didn’t put so much meaning and temptation on it by making it a taboo. I love breaking taboos.”  
“I know you do”, Mickey smirked, “You fucked me on a church pew after all.”  
Ian grinned down at him, he rutted his hips against Mickey and rubbed their cocks together, wrapping his hand around both of them, “You gotta admit that was one of our best ones.”  
“Yes, because You don’t just love breaking taboos”, Mickey said and had to bite his lip to suppress a soft moan, “It makes you really fucking horny.”, he grinned up at him, “Bet you would even fuck me on a damn graveyard. On Halloween.”

“I like breaking taboos and having sex in homophobic churches, but I’m not a madman. Having sex on at a graveyard on Halloween? We’d be killed.”  
“Yeah, but I’d get you all the sweets you want and then let you kiss me.”  
Ian chuckled, “Now I’m tempted. Will you wear a costume I get to fuck you in?”  
“Maybe.”, Mickey smirked, he changed his position underneath Ian slightly and put his legs higher on Ian’s hips, they were both hard now.

Mickey wanted Ian to get on with it, wanted to feel him again, be closer to him than any other man ever could be, because he knew, even though Ian kissed them, they didn’t, couldn’t have as deep a connection as Mickey had with him.  
Ian put some lube into his palm and jerked his cock again, he detached his eyes from Mickey’s face and looked down Mickey’s body, he licked his lips and pushed his cock into him, he was still loose from the first round.  
Mickey moaned deeply and grabbed Ian’s bicep, he tightened his legs around Ian, when he was fully inside of him, he gave mickey barely time to get used to him, since they already had sex not long ago.

Ian started thrusting in and out of him at a fast pace while pressing their bodies together again, he looked into Mickey’s eyes again. He loved holding eye contact with Mickey because it drove the poor Milkovich crazy.  
Mickey raked his nails over Ian’s back and ran his fingers through Ian’s red hair. He leaned his head back and closed his eyes. Mickey was always vocal when they had sex out here, where no one could hear him. Ian put his lips against Mickey’s jaw, he kissed gently down his pale neck. It was the only kissing Mickey let happen and Ian had to fight tooth and nail to get this level of intimacy alone, but Mickey enjoyed it, though he would never admit it himself.

When Ian’s lips were close to Mickey’s ear, he whispered, “If you keep moaning like that, I’m gonna come quicker than either of us wants.”

Mickey chuckled, he was rutting his hips, meeting Ian’s thrusts. Really, Mickey’s moans did it for Ian most of the time, maybe it was because he didn’t get to hear them often, or because in porn he always paid more attention to the sound than to the picture, simply because the picture quality was always bad.  
Mickey, who was very much aware of this, didn’t make any effort to be quieter. He moaned and panted and put his lips against Ian’s ear when he whispered his name and told him how good he was.

Ian threw his head back and leaned over him, their faces only an inch apart.  
Mickey had one hand around his own cock, the other one wrapped around Ian’s neck, pulling on his short hair.  
Ian rubbed his fingers over Mickey’s nipple, he used his other hand to stabilize himself on the mattress, so he used his lips to explore Mickey’s face, he kissed his cheek and up to his temple.

“I’m so fucking tempted to kiss you now”, Ian whispered and panted, he was close and hoped to be able to make it for a while longer by talking.  
Mickey chuckled lightly, “That’s part of the game, Gallagher.”  
“It’s mean, I don’t put you through this.”

Mickey looked into his eyes, holding eye contact again while Ian fucked into him in quick strokes, it was crazy how gentle their hands acted on each other in contrast to the quick and almost rough sex. Mickey ran his fingers along Ian’s face, over the golden little freckles, stroked his thumb over Ian’s lips and Ian gently kissed Mickey’s fingers, making Mickey smile and even almost blush while a warm, nice feeling, that had nothing to do with horniness, crept up his body, and he, too, was very tempted to kiss him right now.

A few minutes later, Ian was panting, “Are you close”  
“Yeah, don’t fucking stop”, Mickey moaned, his eyes closed, his head thrown back again, too far out of it to be able to look at him softly and sweetly and be gentle.

Mickey stroked himself faster, while Ian’s cock kept sliding in and out of him at a fast pace. His mind momentarily trailed off to the thought of the Ben Wa Beads he was still planning to buy with the money he would eventually get from Victor, a grin appeared on Mickey’s face at the thought.

“I’m coming”, Mickey panted, and Ian moaned against the skin of his neck. Mickey came over his hand and scratched over Ian’s back, leaving long red lines on his paper-white skin.  
Ian scraped his teeth over Mickey’s neck, who tightened his legs around him again, pushing him further into him, where Ian let go too and came deep inside of him.

Ian pulled out of Mickey, but they stayed wrapped up in each other for a few more minutes.

“You bit me”, Mickey mumbled finally, “It’s settled, you’re dressing up as Vampire for Halloween, don’t even need Make-up”  
Ian chuckled and gently kissed the patch of skin he just bit into.

Ian sat back and sighed and looked down at him smiling, “Did you bring paper towels? I don’t want you to touch the candy with all that cum on your hand.”

Mickey chuckled and sat up too, “You don’t like the taste of my cum?”, he asked and put his hand up to Ian’s mouth. Ian laughed and turned his head away, “Not mixed with my candy I don’t”, he grinned and looked at the few white traces, he grabbed his wrist and slowly brought his fingers up to his mouth, he held eye contact with Mickey while licking some of his cum from his fingers. Mickey inhaled sharply.  
Ian kissed the tip of Mickey’s finger and grinned at him, then he reached for the backpack and got the paper towels out, he proceeded to gently clean Mickey’s hand, who could only watch him while trying to remember how to breathe at all, “Why do we never leave those here?”, Ian asked and shook his head. He kissed Mickey’s knuckles when he was finished and put the paper towels next to the bed, then he took his boxers and lay down on the mattress to eat the sweets Mickey had brought.

Mickey still sat in the same spot as before.

“Mick, you okay? Did you have a stroke?”, Ian laughed, “Wait until I blow you, take all your cum into my mouth and then kiss you so you can taste it yourself. You’re gonna die in my arms and think I’m a god.”

Mickey swallowed hard and then looked down at Ian, he already thought he was a god. What Ian proposed made him stop breathing for a minute while he imagined Ian doing this to him.

“That sounds like fun”, he said to Ian, he crawled on top of him and straddled his hips, “I also have something in mind that could be _fun_.”

“Again? Could you at least give me ten minutes?”  
“No, not for today. I have something special in mind”  
“Special?”, Ian asked, now he had his full attention, “Spit it out.”

Mickey bit his bottom lip, “Let’s just say”, he grinned dirtily, “With the money some people owe me, I will buy something… _fun_. And if you’re nice”, he leaned down to him to whisper into his ear, “I’ll let you use it on me.”  
“Ohh, that kind of _fun_.”  
“Uh-huh, or maybe I’ll just bench you and make you watch me while I have fun with it.”

Ian ran his hands down Mickey’s back and groped his ass, “You think you could stop me from touching you when you use some sex toy in front of me? How? Cuffs?”  
“Would you like that? Being cuffed to a bed while I’m having fun?”  
Ian licked his bottom lip, “I think it’s a thing we should definitely give a try. What do you want to buy? Does it vibrate?”

Mickey chuckled and shook his head, “No, though I could get something vibrating next if you want.”  
“Tell me what special thing you want”  
Mickey smirked, “Ben Wa Beads.”

Ian looked up at him confused, “Ben what?”  
“They’re big beads on a string, you push them up my ass and”, he grinned, “Pull them out real slow.”  
“And that feels good?”  
“I’m sure it feels fucking amazing. But if you don’t want to, I’ll use them on my own- “  
“No, I want to do that”, Ian nodded, “It really does sound like _fun_ ”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The next day Mickey got the rest of the games from Victor and granted him 12 days to get him the rest of his money. They were at the store now, they both worked at the Kash’n’Grab store. Mickey as security and Ian has cashier. Currently, Mickey was carrying a box of watermelons from the back to the front of the store. While he was taking them out of the box and put them on top of each other among the rest of the “fresh” fruits, Ian was sitting at the counter and was playing with the Nintendo.

The door opened and Ian quickly closed the Nintendo and looked up.  
“I’m paying you to work and not play, Ian”, Linda, the boss, said, not even slowing down while going through the store, “How is it possible that the Milkovich kid is more productive than you? I’ll make inventory tonight, and Mickey, if one thing is missing, you’re out.”

Linda was already almost out of the store again on the other end, “Though I’m more productive than him?”, Mickey asked.  
“Yes!”, Linda shouted back at them and was already gone to the upstairs apartment.

Mickey turned around to Ian, who grinned at him, “She just likes me more than you."  
“Yeah, because you fucked her husband, you’re basically family, huh?”  
Ian smirked, “Fuck off.”

Mickey brought the empty box back to the back of the store. He walked back to Ian and looked up at the monitors for the security cameras.  
“To answer your question, yes, she does still check them and no, she wasn’t thrilled when she saw us going at it on them.”, Ian said looking at one of the cameras.  
“Fuck”, Mickey bit his lip, “So she knows?”  
“Oh, yes, she knows everything. And she isn’t very happy about it. She said, ‘When I said you could do better, I didn’t mean him’.”, Ian smiled, “Though you are better than Kash. But in the backroom, she shouldn’t be able to see us. But she also said, if she notices us fucking during opening times again, she’ll fire you.”  
“Why just me?”

Ian shrugged and just grinned at him.  
Mickey looked at him for a few minutes, Ian kept playing with Mickey’s Nintendo, he looked at his hands, with the faint freckles on his knuckles, his pale, strong arms and broad shoulders, his pale neck and his freckle-covered face, those looked especially golden right now in summer, he pursed his lips in concentration while playing Mario Party.

Those Lips…

How great they always felt on Mickey’s skin, on his cheek and his neck… In the beginning, he didn’t want Ian to touch and kiss him so softly, Ian once called it Mickey’s “allergy to being treated well” - but Ian watered him down until he let him do it and it felt so good he never wanted Ian to stop with it.  
Mickey went around the counter, lightly tapping his fingers on the countertop.

“Temptation”, he said.

Ian looked up at him confused, “Huh?”  
“Kissing me. A Temptation.”  
Ian nodded, “So? Are you allowing me to kiss you?”

“Make it easy for you?”, he chuckled, “Hmm... Let’s turn this into a game. I allow you to kiss me whenever you want to.”  
Ian stood up and already leaned over the counter.  
“But”, Mickey said, “I can kiss you, too. Temptation, whoever kisses the other first loses the game.”

“And why would I want to resist the temptation? Just to beat you in a game? I waited to kiss you for over two years if I win this game, what do I get?”  
“Is there anything you want?”  
“Whoever wins gets a BJ. If you kiss me first, you have to blow me too.”  
Mickey smirked, “I knew you would come up with something good. Deal?”  
“Deal. But Mick, I’ve been resisting you for years, I’ve got practice.”

“Do you think I didn’t want to kiss you over the last two years? I’ve resisted you just fine.”  
“Except that you also wanted to resist the other kisses and touches and having sex with me at all. That worked out fine for you, didn’t it?”  
Mickey shrugged, “You’ve got nothing to lose then, huh?”, Mickey winked.

They smiled at each other, Ian bit his bottom lips, looking at his pale face with a small scratch on his cheek. Ian wondered, where the scratch came from, he probably beat someone up again who owed him money to buy the toy he told him about.

“Any closer to getting the money for those beads together?”, Ian asked and sat back down behind the counter.  
Mickey smirked, “Trust me, you’ll be the first to know when there’s an update.”

“Mickey!”, Linda’s voice appeared back in the store, but not in person, it came from a yellow walkie-talkie on the counter, “Did you finish restocking the new commodities?!”  
Mickey sighed annoyed, “Does this bitch have monitors for the cameras upstairs too?”  
“Yes!”, Linda yelled through the walkie-talkie and Ian laughed at Mickey, who growled and walked to the back.

Ian watched him walk away and smiled. He wished Mickey would wear some tighter clothes for once, but, like Ian himself, mickey had to wear his brothers’ hand-me-downs, and the Milkovich brothers were all taller and fatter than Mickey. But even without the additional eye candy of Mickey’s nice, round ass in tight jeans, Ian couldn’t deal with how hot the boy looked to him.

Mickey was a hood rat and proud of it. When they met, he was constantly dirty from sleeping in the streets when he had stress at home, they also didn’t have warm water most of the time so showering just wasn’t something Mickey generally did. But since they started having sex and Mickey wanted to look good for Ian, he took cold showers and build a DIY douche out of a water bottle.

Mickey came to the front carrying a heavy box and Ian let his eyes wander over Mickey’s biceps, unconsciously licking his lips.

“Hey Mick”  
Mickey turned to him with raised eyebrows, “When’s your birthday?”  
“What do you care?”  
“I want to get you some nice, fitting jeans”, he smirked, “Tell me, when is it?”

“Since when are we giving each other birthday gifts?”  
“Since I just imagined that ass in a good pair of jeans.”

Mickey shook his head, “Forget it if you give me something for my birthday, I have to give you something for yours. And I’m bad at making presents, even when they’re stolen. So, fuck that.”  
Ian shrugged, “Christmas then. And if you want to make me a present, just get on your knees for me”, he winked.  
Mickey shook his head, “Sometimes you’re lucky that you have such a good cock, Gallagher, otherwise I’d beat your head in for some of those remarks.”  
“You wouldn’t, you like me too much.”, he kissed the air towards him and laughed.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A few days later, the game really was on.

They snuck into a baseball game, though Mickey didn’t care for baseball at all. Mickey didn’t pay attention to the game, but to Ian, who stayed impossibly close to him. He always touched his arm and his hands and put his lips close to his ear and his cheek when he wanted to talk to him.

“I wonder”, Ian whispered and let his lips almost touch Mickey’s cheek, “Can you steal that guy’s wallet?”

Ian pointed his head towards the two guys sitting in front of him, they were drunk, and one was smoking a joint, it would be the easiest thing to steal the wallet lying next to the man. Mickey turned his face to him so they ended up face to face, Mickey ran his finger over Ian’s wrist, “Why would I?”

Ian fixated his eyes on Mickey’s lips, “It would turn me on.”  
“Oh yeah?”  
“Yes, and the more money you have the faster you can get those beads.”

Mickey smirked and leaned a little bit closer to him, their lips only an inch away, they stayed like that for a minute, Mickey smirked, when he noticed how Ian swallowed hard and breathed heavily against his lips.

“Okay”, Mickey whispered, leaned away again and Ian’s eyes fluttered shut, while he tried to regain control over his heartbeat. Mickey grabbed the guys wallet and they stayed for only a few more minutes, before getting out and fucking in a restroom.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The next day, Ian was working, and Mickey had the day off. Ian was sitting at the counter when Mickey came into the store.

“Mickey? You don’t have a shift today”  
“Can’t I go grocery shopping, Gallagher?”, Mickey asked and shook his head.  
“You mean grocery stealing, huh? You know, Linda will fire your ass and you’ll get in trouble with your probation officer.”

Mickey flipped him off and went to the snack aisle, he stood in front of the chips and hummed thoughtfully, “Hey, don’t people in here get some customer service?”

Ian furrowed his brows in confusion, stood up and went over to him.

“How can I help you?”  
“Put your tall ass body to use and get me those chips up there, will you.”

Ian smiled, reached for the chips when he turned back to him, he suddenly stood incredibly close to Mickey, he inhaled sharply when he was face to face with him again.  
Ian bit his lip and gave the chips to Mickey.

“Thanks”, Mickey said and ran his fingers down Ian’s apron he was sometimes wearing in the store, he pulled him to him, “This looks so dumb.”  
Ian smiled down at him, he put his hand on the small of Mickey’s back, “Yeah? What if I’d only wear the apron”

Mickey sighed disappointed, “And what good would that do? It’s blocking your cock, Gallagher, it would just look dumb and wouldn’t make sense. You really aren’t good at this, are you?”, he ran his hand over Ian’s hair and looked at him, starting to smile, “You should grow it out”, he mumbled.

“Grow it out?”  
“Your hair”, Mickey said and looked into his eyes, “Have it a bit longer so I can grab it”, he smirked and grabbed the short hairs.

They were just an inch or two away from a kiss again, and Ian could barely take it.

He just noticed that Mickey too had faint, tiny freckles on his Vampire skin, incredibly long, black lashes blocked Ian’s view to his bright, blue eyes. He had a tiny scar over his eyebrow and a thin, red cut on his left cheek. He often also had cuts on his lip, but not right now, they looked full and pink and wet from Mickey biting and licking them constantly.

Mickey seemed totally unphased by being this close to Ian, but he as well just wanted to go for it, the only thing that stopped him was the fact that they were still in public and someone might enter the store at any given moment – even his dad.

Ian looked at his lips, “Fuck, I want this BJ so badly”, he mumbled.  
Mickey laughed, “You can’t beat me in this game, Gallagher. Now ring these up for me.”

Ian nodded, stepped back and went to the counter, he rang the chips up and Mickey even paid for them, holding the money towards the camera for a moment so Linda would see it when she checked the video material later.

“Meet me at our place tomorrow after school?”, Mickey asked.  
“I’ll be there.”  
“You better be, I bring the chips and the lube, you get us some cigarettes.” 

Ian nodded and looked after him adoringly when Mickey left the store.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When Ian arrived at their place, Mickey was lying on the mattress on his stomach, he leaned against his pillow and played with his Nintendo while waiting for Ian. He leaned against a wall and watched Mickey for a while, he had a nice view on his ass from behind him.

Ian took out a cigarette and lit it, the clicking of the lighter got Mickey’s attention, he turned around to him and sat up, “Finally, what took you so long, Gallagher?”  
“Some of us have to go to school, Milkovich.”, Ian retorted.

Mickey got up and walked over to him, “Getting smart, huh?”, he took Ian’s cigarette out of his mouth, took a drag and blew the smoke towards the ceiling.  
Ian took a deep breath when he watched how Mickey formed his lips to a perfect O-shape to blow out the smoke… oh, how good they would look wrapped around his cock… but how good they would feel pressed against his own too.

Mickey held the cigarette towards Ian again, Ian looked at it, let his eyes wander up his strong arms – Ian always wondered whether those muscles came from lifting or beating people up – over his strong shoulders, his pale neck to his lips again… they looked so soft, while everything else about Mickey looked rough.

Mickey raised his eyebrows at him and moved the cigarette in front of Ian, “You alright, Gallagher?”, Mickey asked and stepped closer, “Huh? You seeing something you like?”  
Ian put his hand on Mickey’s side and pulled him even closer, “I think you’re not as cool as you think you are, Mickey, I bet you’re just as desperate to kiss me as I am.”  
“Maybe I am”, Mickey whispered, “But ‘m better at hiding it than you.”

Ian bit his bottom lip, Mickey looked at him out of his bright blue eyes like he was waiting for Ian to finally end this game for the both of them.

Ian knew, if he would give in first and lose the game, Mickey would never let him forget it, he would tease him with it for the rest of this… whatever kind of relationship it was. He would be so damn cocky and unbearably smug about it for weeks…

“Fuck it”, Ian said finally, wrapped his arms around Mickey and kissed him on those smirking lips.

Mickey’s lips really were as soft as Ian dreamed them up to be.  
Ian leaned back after just a few seconds, Mickey stood in front of him frozen, looking up at him surprised. Ian swallowed and breathed out of his nose. The air between them was so tense, you could cut it with a knife.

“ _Why is he looking so surprised_ ”, Ian thought to himself, he bit his bottom lip, “ _Didn’t he like it? Was it bad, it really wasn’t a very passionate, great kiss. Does he want me to do it again though?_ ”

His thoughts were running in quick circles and he slowly let his hands sink from his face, while Mickey just stood there, looking at him.

Then Mickey let the cigarette fall to the ground put his hand on the back of Ian’s neck and they smashed their lips together again. Ian ran his fingers through Mickey’s black hair, feeling the sticky hairspray in it, he tasted like cigarettes and kebab. His hands felt rough against his skin, while his touch was still gentle. He kissed him passionately, and now Ian could believe that he has been just as desperate to kiss him as he has.

Ian turned them around and pushed Mickey against the wall, their tongues clashed together, Mickey's hands were on his neck and in his hair, he didn’t want to let him go again. He never thought kissing someone might be this special, might feel this good, too.

Ian let his hands wander down Mickey’s body now, to his pants, he opened his belt with impatient fingers, Mickey barely noticed Ian’s hands, too occupied with the passionate kiss. He never wanted to have sex without getting one of these ever again. Ian unbuttoned his jeans and then leaned back from Mickey, who unintentionally followed him when he leaned away.

Ian smiled at him. Mickey panted lightly while looking at him nervously.  
“You won”, Ian whispered.  
Mickey needed a minute to recollect himself and understand what Ian was talking about.  
“I did”, he nodded, unaware of what else Ian was implying.  
Ian grinned and kissed him again, Mickey eagerly kissed him back.

Ian stopped the kiss again after a moment, then he kissed his chin and his neck, he could hear Mickey’s heavy breathing, he went down on his body, kneeled in front of him, Mickey followed him with his eyes.

Ian opened Mickey’s boxers and pulled his cock out. He started jerking his cock while looking up at Mickey, who swallowed visibly, his hands were trembling, and Ian wondered if it came from anticipation or nervousness if it was about the kiss or about what Ian was about to do.

Ian pushed his lips gently against Mickey’s tip, and Mickey inhaled sharply. Ian parted his lips and let his cock slide into his mouth. He wrapped his lips tightly around him and started to move his head back and for, sucking on his cock as if it was a thick lollipop.

Ian had one hand around the base of his dick, the other one on his hip, Mickey moaned lowly and slowly – yes, even hesitantly out of nervousness – put his hand at the back of Ian’s head, running his fingers through his short hair.  
“Fuck, you really need to let that hair grow a bit”, Mickey mumbled and moaned again.

Ian let his cock slide out of his mouth with a pop and smirked up at him while jerking it, “You’re such a bottom”  
“Shut up, get back to sucking”, Mickey whispered.  
Ian ran his tongue along the underside of his cock, swirled his tongue around his tip and then took him in again.

Ian let Mickey’s cock slide into his mouth as far as he could and pushed his shirt up, so he could touch his white skin, running his fingers over his defined abs to his chest. Mickey may make fun of him for his long arms, but he bet, right now he was glad about them.

Ian rubbed his fingers over Mickey’s nipple while sucking his cock. Mickey moaned and lightly pushed his head closer to him. Ian had only given a few Blowjobs in his life so far, but he could handle Mickey’s cock pretty well. He looked up at the Milkovich, who had his head leaned back lightly, eyes almost closed, moaning.

Mickey looked down at him when he noticed Ian looking up, he watched his cock disappear in Ian’s mouth. In his ‘ _I fuck girls to appear straight_ ' phases he had received a few of these, but only to avoid actually having to fuck women. This felt incredibly good. A part of his brain was annoying him with thoughts like “ _how many guys did he blow already to be this good at it_?” or “ _this ain’t special, he does the same for those old dirtbags all the time_ ” 

Mickey shook his head to get rid of those and concentrate on Ian in front of him. Ian sucked harder on his cock, he put one hand on his balls, Mickey moaned and gently thrust his hips forwards, Ian put his hand on Mickey’s hip gain, so he stopped his movement.

“Fuck, yes”, Mickey moaned, when Ian sucked on his tip, swirled his tongue around him and bobbed his head again, “I’m coming”  
Ian pulled back slightly and sucked on his tip while fondling his balls.

Mickey came in Ian’s mouth with a deep moan.  
Ian leaned back, he looked up at Mickey and swallowed visibly, taking Mickey’s breath momentarily. Ian smirked, he leaned towards him again and licked the rest of Mickey’s cum from his dick, then he stood up. Mickey reached out his hand and dragged his thumb from the corner of Ian’s mouth to his lips, so he could also taste the last drops of Mickey’s cum. Ian sucked on his thumb while holding eye contact with him.

The redhead smiled at Mickey, then quickly leaned to him and kissed him again, shoving his tongue into Mickey’s mouth, who gladly let him kiss him, forcing him to taste his own cum on Ian’s tongue.

After a few minutes, they separated again, both panting heavily. Ian started to laugh and softly touched Mickey’s black hair, which fell slightly out of place.  
“I told you, I would blow you and kiss you to make you taste it.”  
“Yeah, I remember. You also said I’d die in your arms and think you’re a god.”  
“Admit it, you’re close to doing that too.”  
Mickey shook his head, “Nah, already knew that, dumbass.”, he said and went back to the mattress to lie down. Ian took the cigarettes and joined him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And omg, I just got my feedback and grade for my Femme Fatale term paper from last semester (finally) and I got a 1.3 ! I loved that paper so much and I'm so glad my teacher liked it too! 
> 
> Also, this morning (German time, so around midnight in many USA time zones) I looked into the news to check how the whole election thing was going and I legit became a bit sick and felt like I had to throw up. Also, many more LGBT folks than 4 years ago voted for Trump? HOW? he wants to take your marriage rights away, you idiots!  
> Also, I'm serious, if you re-elect that piece of shit I hope he builds his wall this time - around the whole country. With a lid. In four years we open it up again and see how it's going: Hunger games, Maze runner or Divergent. You are allowed to send some actors, musicians and comedians out before the lid closes.


	2. A couple of confessions

The summer break began, and Ian and Mickey spent as much time as possible together, at work they spent a lot of their breaks making out.

It was the last week of summer break, Ian and Lip were alone at home today, it was crazy hot outside so they decided to invite some people from the neighbourhood to their pool, among them also some of the Milkoviches.

Two of Lip’s friends and their girls were already in the pool when Mandy arrived.  
Ian hugged her, “Hey, without your bodyguard today?”, he asked.  
Mandy’s bodyguard was of course always one of her brothers, because at least one of them often brought her to other places where boys would be to build a kind of tension and fear as insurance no one would hurt the younger sister. More often than not Mickey was this bodyguard and actually Ian counted on that today.

“Our cousin was released from juvie so Mickey spends the day with her.”; Mandy shrugged and they walked over to Lip, “I guess they’ll be busy the whole day if you get what I mean”  
Ian stopped surprised and looked at her, “What?”  
Mandy rolled her eyes, “It’s family gossip, they’re pretty close, it’s more or less official that they’re fucking around whenever neither of them is in the can. Wouldn’t be the first Milkovich cousins to put out a kid”

With that Mandy just closed the topic as if it was nothing and redirected her attention to Lip.  
Ian still stood in the middle of the garden… was Mickey seriously fucking his female cousin right now? As far as Ian knew, he didn’t fuck random girls right now, because he was busy with Ian all the time and none of his brothers had asked him about girls in his life lately.

Ian gnawed on his bottom lip, a sudden jealousy attack washing over him. He went inside to get his phone.

Mandy stood in front of Lip, smiling sweetly, “Hey”  
“Hey”, Lip grinned, “You look very pretty today”, he put an arm around her and pulled her close, “I’m glad you didn’t bring your brothers, I wouldn’t do this in front of them.”  
Mandy chuckled and kissed Lip, who put his hand under his dress to squeeze her ass.

Inside Ian texted Mickey.

 **Galager** : you got time today? got a pool

Ian sat down at the counter in the kitchen and bit his fingernails. Lip came through the door, “I’ll get you a beer, you want some ice cream too?”  
“Yes, thanks Babe”, Mandy called from outside.

Ian turned around to his brother.  
Lip walked through the kitchen with a big grin.  
“Did Mandy just call you ‘Babe’?”, Ian asked his brother.  
Lip shrugged and opened the fridge, “So, since Mickey didn’t come, I’m guessing you’re leaving soon?”

Lip was the only one who knew about Ian and Mickey. Not even Mandy, who wasn’t only Mickey’s sister but also Ian’s best friend in the whole world, knew that they had some sort of relationship or were even on speaking or fucking terms for the last 2 years.

“Are you just casually trying to distract me from you apparently having something with my best friend now?”  
“Oh, you didn’t know? I thought Mandy is telling you everything?”  
Ian looked at his phone and sighed, “I don’t know, we didn’t talk a lot lately… I’ve been spending so much time with Mickey and whenever I’m around Mandy I have to be careful to not let it slip that there’s something going on with him… sometimes I’m wondering why I even bother with Mickey. I didn’t properly talk to my best friend in weeks for a guy who is probably fucking a girl right now.”

Lip nodded, “You know my opinion to the whole thing with Mickey Milkovich.”, he stated, “But aren’t you also fucking other guys all the time?”  
“That’s not the same. When I fuck guys it’s because Mick and I don’t have a committed relationship or any kind of, I don’t know, _rules_. When he’s fucking girls, it’s because of his insecurities.”  
“Yeah… no, sounds the same to me. But, hey, you do you, luckily I got the slightly less complicated Milkovich.”  
“Mandy and less complicated?”  
“I said _slightly_.”, Lip rolled his eyes, and he left the kitchen again.

Ian sighed again and looked at his phone again, surprised when he saw that Mickey texted back already.

 **Mick:** no, busy

 **Galager:** tonight at our place?

 **Mick:** no, still gonna be busy

 **Mick:** tomorrow night tho 10 at our place

Ian contemplated, whether he should agree or not. Why should he follow him like a bitch, while Mickey was fucking his cousin right now?

 **Mick:** ???

 **Mick:** I don’t have all day galager yes or no?

 **Galager:** ill be there

Ian was a bit disappointed in himself, he put the phone away and went outside. He didn’t need Mickey’s grumpy face with him to have a good time.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The next day, Mickey and his cousin were sitting on the rooftop of the building he usually met at with Ian. Sandy was his favourite cousin, his favourite family member even, he was way closer with her than with anyone else from his family.

Sandy was a year younger than Mickey, they basically grew up together, because Sandy’s father was in prison for 10 years during their youth.

“So, Ian”, Sandy said and took a drag from her cigarette, “Still a thing?”  
“Yeah”, Mickey smirked, he had told Sandy about Ian practically a day after sleeping with him for the first time, she was also the reason he went back to him, “We kissed”  
“Ugh, finally”  
“Hey, you were the one who said, as long as you don’t kiss them on the lips it’s not so gay.”  
“I was like twelve when I said that”, Sandy rolled her eyes, “I also told your brother, his dick will grow when he eats worms.”  
“Yes, and he still looks for them in our garden after it rained and eats them.”  
They both threw their heads back in laughter and Mickey took the cigarette from his cousin.

“So, how was it? The kiss? Lots of tongue?”  
Mickey chuckled and looked away.  
“So, yes. Was it good?”  
“Very good. Then he sucked my cock.”

Sandy grinned and took a sip from her beer.  
“You ain’t afraid your dad might find out?”  
“Afraid? No. Terrified. Not even Mandy knows.”  
“Well, I won’t tell.”  
“I know. And I won’t tell you spent your whole time in juvie eating pussy.”  
Sandy grinned dirtily and nodded.

“I was thinking to get a new piercing”, Sandy said thoughtfully.  
“Yeah? Where?”  
“Not sure yet, either eyebrow or further south.”  
“Navel piercing?”, Mickey asked, they weren’t really his taste.   
“No, further south.”

Mickey looked at her with raised eyebrows, “Seriously?”  
“Yeah, I had one chick with such a piercing once, it’s a turn on.”  
“Doesn’t that hurt like crazy?”  
Sandy shrugged, “Have you thought about getting one?”  
“No, shit, you remember how infected that lip piercing of yours was at some point?”  
“Well, you can get it done professionally not drunk on the kitchen table.”  
Mickey chuckled, “Nah, I prefer the tattoos.”  
“Should ask Ian if he likes piercings and then decide.”  
“I don’t change anything about my body just for him”

Sandy leaned her head back and looked at him, “Don’t you?”  
“No”  
“The showers, the hair-do and don’t think I didn’t notice you shaved your pits.”  
Mickey rolled his eyes, “Maybe I just like it this way.”  
“Sure.”, she nodded, “You shave your ass too?”  
Mickey bit his bottom lip.  
“So you do, interesting. For him?”  
“So what? The cleaner I am the greater is the sex I get. Do you think he’d suck my cock when I don’t shower all the time?”

“Hm, is he eating you out too?”  
“What?”  
“Is he eating your ass? Does he lick over and into your hole like his life depends on it?”  
“No, of course not! Why would he?”  
Sandy shrugged, “I guess it feels good”  
“And you’re an expert about what men like during sex, now?”  
Sandy smirked, “I’ve seen them do it to a girl in porn. Bet they do it in gay porn too.”

Mickey shook his head, “I don’t think he’d want to put his tongue anywhere near my ass. I’d have to stop eating for a week before he does that.”  
“Trust me, watch some porn where they do it, clean up and ask him to eat you out. You’ll thank me later.”  
“When did I ever thank you for your sex advise?”  
“Uhm, hello? I’ve been the one who told you to go fuck the ginger again after you told me about your first time.”  
“Yeah, but I didn’t thank you for it.”  
“You should.”

Mickey chuckled and shook his head, “Yeah, thanks, dad might kill me and I might end up catching fucking feelings for the dude, while he catches some STD from his senior fuckizens. Great”  
Sandy chuckled and sighed, “One day, you’ll thank me when you’re getting married.”  
“Yeah, right”, Mickey shook his head, “That ain’t gonna happen. Nah, I mean… not only that he can do like so much better, but he will also marry one of those old dudes who give him money and presents all the time. And it’s better that way, the only things I can give him are black eyes and broken ribs”

Sandy sighed deeply, “You do know that you don’t have to end up like your dad, right? It’s not like you and I are very representative of this family.”

Mickey sighed and stood up, he walked to the end of the roof and looked over the fields of brown grass, weeds and ruins. Then he spotted a person arriving at the buildings and walking towards the one they were at. Mickey couldn’t see much other than orange hair.

“Shit, what time is it?”, Mickey asked, it couldn’t be 10 pm yet, it was still too bright outside.  
“Almost nine, why?”  
“Ian is here. He wasn’t supposed to come before ten. Sorry, Sands, but you have to go.”

Sandy shrugged, took her stuff and they went downstairs, where they met Ian.  
Ian looked at the pair surprised.

“Hey, you’re early.”  
“Uhm, yeah, I didn’t know you’d be here and I had nothing to do at home”, he looked from Mickey to Sandy.

“I was about to leave anyway”, Sandy said and hugged Mickey, “Text me tomorrow if you changed your mind about the piercing. Text me either way, you need to come with me.”  
“What? Need me to hold your hand?”  
“No, to get high enough so it doesn’t work.”, Sandy winked, “Bye Ian”  
“Bye”, Ian said confused when Sandy passed him and left the building.

Mickey went to their mattress and sat down, Ian followed him hesitantly.

“So… that’s your cousin, huh?”  
“Yeah, Sandy. She got out of juvie so I spent someday with her.”  
“At our place.”

Mickey looked up at him raised eyebrows, “To be fair, it was mine and her place first.”  
“It was?”, Ian asked and bit his bottom lip.  
“Yeah, we found it when we were kids, always hid here from the police or my dad, we used to stash stuff we stole here and camped on the roof in summer”, he said and smiled brightly.

Ian sat down next to him on the mattress and started picking on the blanket.  
Mickey looked at him confused, Ian looked upset… but by what?

“Did your mom come back?”  
“What? No”  
“The last time I saw you this upset about something your mom came back.”  
“I’m not upset”, Ian mumbled.  
“No, of course not Little Miss Sunshine”, Mickey smiled and leaned to him, but Ian just looked down with a pout.

Mickey sighed loudly and let himself fall on the mattress.  
“Spit it out, Gallagher”, he said impatiently.  
Ian mumbled something with his hand in front of his mouth.  
“Repeat that this time so I can hear it.”

Ian took his hand away from his face and looked at her, “Did you fuck her?”  
“Who?”, Mickey asked confused.  
“Your cousin.”

Mickey leaned away and looked at him with his eyebrows raised up into his hairline.  
“How the fuck did you get that idea? Of course, I did not fuck her, why would I?”  
“Well, you sometimes fuck girls”, Ian shrugged, “And Mandy-“  
“Of course, Mandy”, Mickey shook his head, “What did she say, huh? She’s always been jealous because Sandy and I are closer than Mandy and I or Mandy and Sandy. She thinks I stole her best friend and then we never let her play with us.”, he rolled his eyes.

“So you never… like, had something with your cousin? She said it’s some kind of known thing in your family that you have something with each other.”  
Mickey sighed and looked at him, “Okay, when we were kids we used to… you know, fool around a bit.”  
“Fool around?”  
“Okay, yes we had sex, happy now? We lost our virginity to each other. But that’s like… so fucking long ago, I don’t know I think I was 14 or something. We got high together and it happened.”, he shrugged, “Big deal.”

“Only that once?”  
Mickey bit his bottom lip, “Well, no. But not anymore. I don’t need to fuck girls right now, I only do that if people ask invasive questions or are suspecting something.”  
Ian nodded, “So you didn’t do it with her now… here?”  
“No”, Mickey scoffed, “What’s going on with you? I don’t make you tell me every time you went down on some rich bag of wrinkles.”

“You aren’t exactly close with people at all. And then you don’t want to have sex with me to hang out with her after Mandy told me you’re fucking her? I don’t know, I…”  
Mickey looked at him and started grinning, “No way, are you _jealous_?”  
“What? No!”  
“You are.”  
“No! I just don’t want you to fuck people here at what’s supposed to be our place.”

Mickey chuckled, “You wanna know why we’re so close? Sandy and I?”  
Ian looked at him, “Because you lost your virginity to each other?”  
“No. We grew up together because her dad, my dad’s brother, was in prison during her childhood. More importantly – she’s gay.”  
“She is?”, Ian asked surprised.  
“Yeah. That’s why we’re close. She’s the only person who knows about… this”, he pointed from Ian to himself, “We even talked about you before you came.”

“Really?”, Ian asked and looked down smiling, now feeling silly for being jealous of this cousin.  
“Yeah, in fact, you’re not as irresistible as you think, she was the one who basically dragged me to the Kash’n’Grab to hit you up again.”  
Ian looked at him again with a bright smile on his face.  
“So why were you talking about me?”  
Mickey chuckled, “Of course you wanna know that now”  
Ian nodded and leaned to him to kiss his cheek, “Tell me and I blow you again.”

Mickey smirked, “She tried to convince me to get a piercing and said I should ask you whether you’d like it if I had one. I said I’m not changing my body for you.”  
“I don’t know, you’d look hot with a piercing”, Ian said and ran his thumb over Mickey’s bottom lip.  
“Oh yeah? Wait, I think I still have some pictures of when Sandy’s lip piercing got infected as hell.”, he said and took his phone.  
“No, it’s okay, I believe you”, Ian chuckled and scrunched up his face.

Ian unconsciously flicked his tongue over his bottom lip, Mickey looked at his mouth thoughtfully.  
“Did you ever eat someone’s ass?”, Mickey asked bluntly.  
Ian looked at him a bit taken aback, “What?”   
“Sandy told me about it. Apparently, it’s a thing.”  
“Yeah, I know. They do it in porn… actually some dude once rimmed me. It wasn’t bad.”  
Mickey nodded.  
“But you’d have to be crazy clean so I put my tongue anywhere near your hole.”  
“I didn’t ask you to it now, did I? Also, I’m always clean”  
“Well –“  
“I mean nowadays. Back then it didn’t count, I didn’t plan to get fucked by some random kid with a tyre iron.”  
“And-“  
“Fucks sake, yeah, I get it. I built a douche, I take so many showers my dad is about to let me pay the water bill on my own”, he rolled his eyes, “So shut it. I’ve always been perfectly clean from when I came back from juvie onwards when your little towelhead slut shot me.”

Ian smiled at him, he ran his hand along Mickey’s pale face, who turned his face away with an eye-roll, which made Ian chuckle. He kissed his cheek repeatedly and watched the pretend scowl on Mickey’s face disappear.  
“You smell like soap”, Ian whispered near his ear, “And weed and beer and greasy fast food”  
Mickey looked up at him, knowing Ian was in his soft mood now. He had enough of the game, of the playful teasing, he wanted to be close and quiet, and Mickey never disturbed him in one of these moods. Not that he could look into the ginger’s head, but he always believed, that Ian was thinking about something sad when he was in those moods, something must have reminded him on something else, which made him quiet and longing for affection.

Mickey lay down on the mattress on the single pillow Ian had brought him once and Ian lay down beside him, they were not touching, just lying in silence, thinking about each other. His mood would soon be over, and he would get back to the semi-insulting remarks. Until then Mickey could look at him, watch his facial expression change while he was day-dreaming.

Ian started to smile, how he often smiled when the mood was over, he smiled like he just had the most pleasant thought. He looked at Mickey and dedicated the smile to him. Mickey wondered what that pleasant thought has been about, he liked to think it has been about him.

Ian rolled on his side and kissed him on the lips.  
“I was just thinking”, he mumbled, “You didn’t bring Sandy to our place, but you invited me to Sandy and your place. I’m special.”  
“Yeah you’re special”, Mickey nodded, “A special kind of dumbass.”  
Ian scoffed, “Shut up, you like me. Otherwise, you wouldn’t have let me in here.”  
“Or it’s the only place where dad won’t find us.”  
“Yeah, yeah. Sure. Pretend all you want, I know you actually like me.”

Mickey clicked his tongue and shook his head, “I enjoy your cock, Gallagher. And your tongue. So, if you wouldn’t mind…”  
Ian grinned and pushed him on his back on the mattress, he leaned over him and kissed him.

Mickey put his hand against Ian’s neck and let it wander up into his hair. Ian let it grow for the entire summer, it was slightly longer, not long enough yet in Mickey’s opinion.  
Ian sat back and pushed Mickey’s shirt off his body, then took his own shirt off.

“Some tattoos would do it too”, Ian mumbled and ran his hands down Mickey’s chest.  
“Huh?”  
“Instead of piercings. A couple more tats would look great on you.”  
“I’ll keep it in mind, now keep going”, Mickey said and reached for Ian’s belt.  
Ian grinned, he pulled Mickey’s jeans from his body, but let the boxers still where they were. He leaned down to him again and pulled him into another passionate kiss.

He kissed down his neck and his chest, travelling south, Mickey smiled at the feeling of Ian's lips everywhere on his body, until he reached the hem of his boxers, pulling them off while looking up at him with a smirk.

Ian pressed a kiss on Mickey's thigh, pulled him closer and clasped his hand around his semi-hard cock, jerking him off slowly, earning a hum from the Milkovich.  
He smiled and gently pressed a kiss on the tip of his dick, Mickey opened his eyes in surprise.  
Ian licked his dick from the base to the tip and gently sucked on it.

Mickey looked down to him, mouth opened wide, panting, he watched Ian sucking a bit harder on the tip and then bobbing his head. Every time he bopped down, he could take him in a little bit more, Mickey moaned loudly while pulling his red hair. This was only the second time he did this, and it was still as fantastic and new to Mickey as the first time.

Ian pulled back for just a moment – earning an unhappy noise from Mickey though, because, _how dared he to stop_? – and put his middle finger into his mouth, coating it with spit.  
He rubbed his finger over Mickey's hole, who watched him, and pushed slightly into him, while simultaneously starting to suck him off again.  
Mickey moaned even louder than before.  
"Fuck", he panted.

Ian thrust two fingers in and out of Mickey, listening to his small moans and cries of pleasure, while he sucked one of his balls into his mouth.  
Ian finally pushed a third finger into him, earning another, louder groan from Mickey, which made him painfully aware of his own hard cock in his tight jeans.

Ian slowly made his way back up to Mickey’s lips, kissing him impatiently while still working his fingers in and out of him.  
Mickey wrapped his arms around his shoulder and his neck, pulling him in for a long, passionate kiss.  
"Take your fucking pants off and finally get on me", Mickey whispered against his lips, grinning widely.

Ian pulled his fingers out of him and clumsily opened his jeans, pushing them and his boxers off his legs, while Mickey got the lube.

“If you tattoo my name on your ass, I’ll get a tongue piercing”, Ian mumbled, when Mickey gave him the lube.  
“Why on earth would I do that?”  
“So I blow you with the tongue piercing”, Ian smirked and licked across Mickey’s lip.  
“It’s good the way it is, you’re just gonna end up get it caught in my foreskin or something, don’t need that.”  
Ian shrugged while coating his dick in lube, “You should still get my name tattooed on your ass. Or an arrow that says ‘insert cock here’.”

Mickey wanted to answer with some smart ass comment, but Ian pulled his fingers out of him and pushed the tip of his dick in, causing Mickey to moan and throw his head back on the pillow.  
Ian eased himself into Mickey inch for inch until he bottomed out.  
"Fuck", Mickey panted.  
"You good?"  
"You need to stop asking questions and start fucking me", Mickey panted, tugging gently on Ian's red hair.

Ian started moving his hips and thrust in and out of the Milkovich. After not even a minute Mickey demanded "Faster"  
"You're such a bossy bottom, I love that", Ian chuckled and fucked into him faster, kissing down his neck.

Mickey dug his finger into Ian's broad shoulders, took in his greenish eyes and his fiery hair and that defined body muscular body pressed against his.  
Ian thrust in and out of his hole fast and hard just like he wanted it.

"Harder, fuck", he groaned.  
Ian changed his position on top of Mickey a bit, to be able to grand Mickey every wish that fell from his lips.  
He thrust into him in a new angle and Mickey moaned louder than before having Ian grin at him.

"Fuck, Ian, right there!"  
Ian made his best efforts to hit that spot with every hard thrust.  
Mickeys loud moans filled the room and Every noise went straight to Ian's dick.

Due to Ian's slightly changed position on top of Mickey, the Milkovich was able to sneak a hand between them and jerk himself off in addition to Ian's thrusts.

Mickey's head lay on Ian's arm, who played and tugged on his hair and with the other hand he had lifted up Mickey's leg, groping his thigh and his ass.

Ian moaned and panted into Mickey's ear, telling him how good he felt and how amazing he was.  
Mickey didn't even care what the Gallagher was saying, he just heard the sound of his voice and his moans and it was perfect and sexy.

"Fuck, don't stop, I'm close"  
Ian moved his lips back to Mickey's and kissed him passionately.  
Mickey moaned into the kiss loudly and came all over his hand and his body.  
Ian kissed him harder and eventually mumbled “Fuck”, and pulled his dick out of him, he jerked off in front of Mickey in quick strokes, so when he came, his cum landed on Mickey’s dick and the rest of his cum-traces.

The two boys looked at each other, panting. Mickey started to grin and grabbed the paper towels to clean himself off. The kissing really added a new dimension to their sex, especially when they fucked face to face – which they were doing more often since they started kissing.

Ian smiled and flung himself down next to Mickey with a satisfied sigh.  
After a few minutes, Ian sat up again, stretched himself and grabbed his clothes.  
“We should be going”, he said, “The way home isn’t exactly getting safer by the hour.”  
“You go first”, Mickey said, “I’ll stay for a few more minutes.”  
“Can’t we go together? We live like two streets apart, come on.”  
“Are you scared of the dark?”, Mickey asked teasingly.  
“No”, Ian scoffed, “But I know you always have two knives on your body, so we’re not gonna get mugged on the way when we go together.”  
“Three”, Mickey corrected and smirked.

“So, are you coming with me?”  
Mickey looked at him for a moment, it was pretty dark except for the full moon which was shining brightly into the building.  
“I’m staying here tonight”, Mickey admitted eventually.  
“Here?”, Ian asked, “Alone?”  
“No one ever comes here, it’s safer than at home”, he nodded, “My dad’s been fucking nuts the last few days. Mandy went to our aunt, I’m staying here”

“Oh”, Ian mumbled, “Mandy didn’t mention that.”  
“Does she ever?”  
“And your cousin?”  
“At her dad’s place.”  
“And you can’t sleep there?”  
“Mandy told you about the rumours going round in the family. Sandy’s dad doesn’t let me sleep in one house with her, doesn’t want cousin-inbreed children. Which is funny to me, since he’s a cousin-inbred child himself.”

Ian lay down next to Mickey again and took the blanket they stashed here.  
“Then I’ll stay the night with you”, he mumbled, “If you don’t mind.”  
“Do whatever you think is less scary to you, cry-baby.”  
“Shut up, or I’ll write ‘Ian was here’ on your ass with a sharpie”, Ian grinned and kissed his cheek while tucking Mickey and himself in.

“Good night Mickey”  
Mickey scoffed at him, so Ian kicked his leg under the blanket.  
“Hey!”  
“Say it”  
Mickey growled, “Good night, asshole.”

Sleeping in a dark, abandoned building out in nowhere was scarier than walking the way back, Ian was quick to find out. At every single noise, Ian’s head shot up and he looked around in the dark. In the beginning, Mickey was chuckling about him, but now he was annoyed.

“Gallagher, please, I’m trying to sleep here.”  
Ian scooted closer to Mickey, who had his back turned to him, he lay an arm around Mickey.  
“I’m not your Teddy Bear.”  
“Shht”, Ian made, “Are you sure no one will come here? Homeless people? Serial killers burying their victims?”  
“The only potential killer you have to worry about is a tired Mickey Milkovich.”

Ian hugged him closer and leaned his forehead against Mickey’s neck.  
“And you wanna be a soldier?”, Mickey chuckled.  
“This is not funny.”  
“It’s very funny. You could have just gone home, you are aware, right? Or are you just looking for an excuse to rub your dick against me the whole night?”  
“I’m not doing that”  
“Here’s a trick I learned when I was a child. Talk about something normal, trivial that has nothing to do with the situation. It’ll calm you down and make you feel more familiar. Apart from the fact that you should be quite familiar with this house, given the amount of cum you dumped here.”

Ian sighed against Mickey’s skin. He tried to think about something he could tell Mickey…  
“Mandy and Lip are dating”, he said when he was thinking back to the small pool party.  
“What?”  
“Yeah, she called him babe and all that.”  
“If he’s knocking her up, I’ll knock him down, he knows that right?”  
“I’m pretty sure he does, yeah.”

Ian now actively cuddled into Mickey.  
“Isn’t it weird?”, Mickey asked eventually.  
“Is what weird?”  
“To know that your best friend is banging your brother?”  
Ian blinked a few times in the dark and brushed his fingers against Mickey’s hand.  
“I don’t think I’m in the position to complain”, he mumbled.  
“Still, is it weird? I’m always wondering… if Mandy founf out about this… whose eyes would she scratch out first?”  
“Yours, she likes me more than you.”  
“Unfortunately true. Now sleep. And stop breathing against my neck.”

Ian smiled, placed his body a bit higher and fell asleep cuddled against Mickey.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

School started again, autumn came, it got colder outside and Ian and Mickey barely got to see each other out of work. Ian was lying in his bed on a Friday night when he received a text from Mickey.

 **Mick** : dad & brotehrs out of town for a couple days

 **Galager** : where are they going?

 **Mick** : cant tell in case 🚔 is checking the phone

 **Galager:** so drug run

 **Mick:** dear policemen 👮♂️👮♀️ I have no knowledge of my fathers businesses.

 **Mick:** anyway empty house whole weekend 🍆🍑

 **Mick:** mandy spends time with your idotbrother I think

 **Galager:** you having a party?

 **Mick:** dude, Im lit asking you to come over tmrrw🤦🏻♂️

Ian looked at his phone screen stunned, wondering if Mickey was on drugs or too sleepy to text correctly

 **Galager:** you’re asking me to come over to your house for the weekend?

 **Mick:** yeah you slow

 **Galager:** you’re inviting me to a sleepover?😉

 **Mick:** just changed my mind

 **Galager:** no

 **Galager:** didn’t mean it🙏🏻

 **Galager:** id love to come

 **Mick:** good, beer, movie, lube, you gotta bring food tho 🍔🍕 or 🌯

 **Galager:** sure, when?

 **Mick:** 7?

 **Galager:** Ill be there😃😃

The next day, Mandy arrived at the Gallagher house around 6 and complained, how Mickey practically threw her out of the house, she suspected Sandy might come over. Though Mandy seemed to be aware that Mickey planned to fuck someone tonight, she didn’t get suspicious whatsoever when Ian left the house soon after.

He picked up some burgers for dinner and then went over to the Milkovich house.  
he was looking forward to this night. A whole evening, night and maybe even morning that he could spend together with Mickey… in an actual house, an actual bed, with light and stuff. It was like a dream come true.

Ian had a crush on Mickey for years now. His feelings became stronger with every kiss that was not about sex, but just about the kiss, with every soft touch, every look and smile Mickey would give him.

By now, Ian was certain that Mickey had feelings for him too. From the way, he looked at him and spoke to him. Sure, Mickey was part of one of the most dangerous families in their neighbourhood. He had a criminal record, carried knives around, beat people up when he was in a bad mood – but towards Ian he could be so soft and cute, it was hard to believe that this could come from a Milkovich.

Ian knocked on Mickey’s door and he let him in and soon after they were sitting with a couple of beers and the burgers on the couch after Ian put one of the bootlegged movies into the DVD player.

Ian was barely paying attention to the screen, he looked at Mickey next to him and thought of his next move. He just wanted to have a normal date evening with him, like other people might have. Mickey’s dad wasn’t around, this was an ordinary setting, he wanted Mickey to be comfortable enough with him, to be normal for one evening. Like a couple.

A couple that could cuddle on the couch while watching a movie, that would kiss just for the sake of it and make out in the kitchen just because they could, that would spoon cuddle in their small bad inside of an actual house. Maybe he would even tell Mickey about his feelings.

“What are you looking at?”, Mickey asked with a smile on his lips.  
“Nothing”, Ian said but didn’t look away.  
“I’m nothing, huh?”  
“I’m just noticing how far away you are”  
Mickey looked at him, “What do you expect me to do? Sit on your shoulders?”  
“That way you’d at least be able to reach the top shelf in the kitchen”, Ian smirked, Mickey flipped him off.

Ian yawned loudly and stretched his arms out, then he leaned down at placed his head in Mickey’s lab. The Milkovich looked down at him surprised.  
“What are you doing?”  
“Watching the movie”, Ian just said while getting comfortable with his head on Mickey’s thighs.

“Are you tired?”  
“Nah, just want to watch the movie like this.”  
“All right, but don’t fall asleep, you’re heavy.”  
“Funny, I usually don’t hear complaints when I’m on top of you.”  
Mickey lightly slapped his arm, “Watch the damn movie.”

After a while, Mickey put his hand in Ian’s hair, running his fingers through the red and massaging his scalp lightly. Ian really could fall asleep like this.

Towards the end of the movie, Ian had to go to the bathroom. When he stood up from the couch, Mickey used the opportunity to change his position and lay down on the couch, which gave Ian some inspiration for what he would do next in return.  
“Wherever you’re going, bring some beer from the kitchen when you come back.”  
Ian nodded and went to the bathroom.

After washing his hands, he had to blow his nose with a piece of toilet paper. He wanted to throw it into the small trash bin in the bathroom, but when he opened it, a package caught his eye. Usually, no one, especially not a teenage boy, would longer into such a bathroom bin than necessary, but on top of other things lay a pregnancy test.

“Fuck, Mickey’s gonna kill Lip”, Ian thought when he took a closer look and noticed two lines on the thing. Yes, he knew how those things worked to this extend. He washed his hands again and left the bathroom. Mickey didn’t try to beat Lip’s head in, so he probably didn’t know about it yet, and Ian surely wouldn’t tell him.

He went to the couch, took his phone from the small coffee table and went to the kitchen to get Mickey a beer. He wondered, why Mandy didn’t tell him about it if she was pregnant. He opened WhatsApp and texted his brother.

 **Ian** : is mandy pregnant? Mick’s gonna kill you if he finds out

Ian went back to the couch, put his phone away and gave Mickey his beer, before lying down on top of Mickey. Mickey was gasping for air and grumbled underneath his weight comically. Ian laughed at him and kissed him.  
“It’s all just muscles, Mick, so I look hot for you.”   
Mickey stopped with his little theatre and smirked up at him, “You’re doing a great job with that. You’re heavy though, can we switch?”  
“Mickey Milkovich wants to be on top?”, Ian gasped, “That I’d see the day…”  
“Only to ride you”, he whispered with raised eyebrows and a dirty smile on his lips.  
Ian chuckled, got up from him and changed positions with him, so Mickey lay on top of him.

Two streets over, Lip read his little brother’s message, while Mandy lay in his arms in what was actually Frank’s bed, but Frank wasn’t home anyway.  
He looked down at Mandy, who was playing with her long black hair. Why would Ian say something like that? Why would Mandy be pregnant and not tell him?

Lip could just ignore it, sure, but he knew he actually couldn’t.  
“Are you pregnant?”, Lip asked bluntly. Too bluntly, obviously, because Mandy shot up, sat up straight as a candlestick and stared at him shocked.  
“What?”  
“Are you pregnant?”, Lip repeated confused.  
“Why- Why would you say that?”  
Lip sat up too, “Wait, are you really? Ian just texted me something weird, I thought he was just pranking me, but… Mandy, are you okay?”

Every bit of colour had left Mandy’s face, she sat there as if she was in shock.  
“Mands?”, Lip asked carefully and touched her cheek, she flinched away from him, “Are you?”

Mandy bit her bottom lip and started to scratch her arms.  
“I’ll get rid of it next week, none of your concern.”, she said, and she felt so sick to her stomach suddenly, that she just wanted to leave the house. She quickly stood up and started to get her clothes together.

“Mandy, wait, what do you mean, you’ll get rid of it?”  
“What do I mean? What do you think what I mean?”, she mumbled.  
“Hey, Mandy, you don’t have to… I mean, we can… raise it.”, Lip said and took her hand in his.

A year ago, a girl Lip occasionally had sex with got pregnant. Karen Jackson changed her moods a thousand times during that pregnancy. At first, she wanted an abortion, then she wanted to keep it, then she got married to her actual boyfriend, who definitely wasn’t the father and was aware of this, then she wanted a divorce again and give the baby up for adoption and the whole time, Lip thought he was the father. In short, Karen screwed him over, the baby was Asian and now with some foster parents, Karen was gone with her husband.

During this time, Lip had started to like the thought of a child of his own. Granted, now wasn’t the best time. He wanted to finish High School and go to college, but having Mandy and a child at home wasn’t the worst of thoughts, honestly.

“No”, Mandy said and shook her head, she looked like the mere thought would make her throw up.  
“Mandy, hey, listen to me. It’s gonna be okay, just think about it.”, Lip was holding her wrists and Mandy tried to get her arms out of Lip’s grip, like a trapped animal, “You don’t have to get an abortion, I would support you and-“  
“It’s not yours”, Mandy said suddenly, she looked at him and then looked down, “It’s probably not yours.”  
Lip let her go.  
“You cheated on me?”

Mandy shook her head and then just ran out of the room and the house, letting Lip stand confused in the middle of the room.

Outside, she was leaning over the fence and memories flooded her brain so suddenly, with such force, that she had to throw up.

The girl pushed her hair out of her face, opened the gate and just started walking down the street. She breathed in the cold hair in deep breaths, she took a couple of detours to her house to calm her nerves.

She entered the house quietly and went to the kitchen to get a cold drink of water. No one was in the living room, but Mickey and his visitor had left their trash and fast food out in the open. As she stood there in the dark kitchen, she started to hear a noise. It was moaning from Mickey’s room. Mandy scrunched up her face in disgust, pressed her hands on her ears and went to her own room.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ian and Mickey had spent the evening making out on the couch and in the kitchen and then had some rounds of great sex. But Ian’s highlight was that he could sleep in Mickey’s bed with him, tightly cuddled up to him, spooning – Mickey was the little spoon and he seemed to enjoy that role a lot.

When Ian woke up, Mickey, unfortunately, wasn’t lying in his arms anymore, instead, he was lying next to him and was playing on the Nintendo again.

Ian was watching him a while until he was awake enough to lean over and kiss his cheek, “Good Morning”  
“Morning”  
“You up for long already?”  
“Nah”, he mumbled while he tried to concentrate on his minigame.

Ian lay on his back again and watched Mickey pushing the buttons to make Toad jump around. He won the minigame, “Yes”, he exclaimed and a grin spread over his whole face, he looked at Ian, who smiled at him.  
“Did you win?”  
“Yeah, the others didn’t stand a chance. Stupid Mario.”, he shook his head and looked at Ian.

Ian was looking back at him with a soft smile, he looked like was day-dreaming about something nice again.  
“What?”, Mickey asked him when Ian wouldn’t look away.  
“Nothing”, Ian mumbled.

Mickey leaned over him, “Tell me”, he said and pecked his lips, “What are you smiling about?”  
Ian shrugged, “You?”, he said and put his hand into Mickey’s hair to kiss him again.

They separated again and Ian looked up at him, he let his eyes wander over Mickey’s pale skin, the faint freckles and tiny scars, his wet lips… he was so beautiful to Ian. He knew many people didn’t think of him as handsome (he definitely was the most handsome Milkovich brother, but that bar was really fucking low), but to Ian Mickey was just perfection.

Ian played with Mickey’s hair and bit his lip thoughtfully… was this a good moment… should he tell him, now? They were lying in bed together, just spent the night with each other cuddling, he got cute, soft kisses and Mickey was in a good mood – there couldn’t possibly be a better moment.

“I… I like you, Mickey”, he whispered.  
Mickey furrowed his brow, “Yeah, I don’t think you’d fuck me and kiss me if you hated me, right?”  
“No, I mean”, he took a deep breath, “I have, like, feelings for you. Romantic feelings, Mickey… and I want you to be my boyfriend, you know, like a committed relationship and all that.”

Ian looked at Mickey hopefully, Mickey stared down at him, he didn’t know what to say. His mouth felt dry and his heart was beating strongly, he felt like he was about to panic when he heard his words.

Mickey licked his lips and looked down at the redhead, “Don’t ruin everything”, he said and then lay back down next to him on his stomach and picked the Nintendo back up.

Ian lay there in silence, in utter shock even. He just told Mickey about his feelings and he… rejection wasn’t even the right word… Ian looked over at him, how he just kept playing his stupid little game. He bit his lip and he could feel tears burning in his eyes. He just wanted to smash Mickey’s head down into the pillow until he would pass out.

Ian angrily sat up, climbed over Mickey and started pulling his clothes back on. He was feeling such an intense mix of pain and shock and anger, that he couldn’t even mutter a word or an insult towards Mickey, who just turned away from him a bit, so he wouldn’t have to see him.

Ian put on his sweater, rubbed the sleeve over his eyes and left the room, throwing the door shut loudly behind him.

He walked through the hallway to the living room to get his phone, when he suddenly heard a noise from the kitchen. He turned around surprised, Mandy stood in the doorway to the kitchen and looked at him.

“Mandy?”, he asked and rubbed his sleeve over his face again, in case there were tears.  
“Morning, Ian.”  
“You aren’t at, uh, my place? I was just talking to Mickey about something.. about the, uh, store.”  
Mandy nodded, “Of course you were. Your phone is on the coffee table.”  
Ian nodded, snatched his phone and left the house.

The Milkovich sister went back into the kitchen, where she put eggs into a frying pan.  
Five minutes later, Mickey’s door opened again. He was looking just as shocked as Ian when he found Mandy in the kitchen.

“Morning”, Mandy said to him, “Sit down, I’m making eggs.”  
Mickey bit his bottom lip and sat down at the kitchen table.  
“So, you and Ian”, she said, “At least it’s not Sandy.”  
Mickey didn’t say anything in response.  
“So, when were you gonna tell me that you’re gay and sleeping with my best friend.”  
“When hell freezes over”, Mickey said, “Not like it matters, I just ruined it anyway.”  
“Ian was crying”, Mandy nodded.  
“I know.”  
“Any reason?”  
Mickey shrugged, “Dream.”

Mandy put the eggs on two plates and sat down at the table with her brother.  
“Why are you here already, thought you’d stay with the other Gallagher for the whole night.”  
Mand shrugged, “Things got messy.”, she started scratching her arm, “He thinks I cheated on him.”  
Mickey looked at her for a long moment, “Will you tell him?”  
“No”, she said quickly.

The siblings ate their breakfast in silence for a couple of minutes.  
“You promised to drive me to the clinic on Monday.”  
“I know.”  
“Can you come with me and hold my hand?”, she whispered.

Mandy had this weird effect when she whispered. She was seventeen and she always acted like seventeen since she was young. But when she whispered like this, with her broken little voice, asking for help, she was a twelve-year-old again and Mickey was her big brother.

“Of course”, Mickey said, “Are you sure it’s not Lip’s or someone else’s.”  
“I’m not taking that risk.”  
“Okay.”, he said, he wouldn’t argue about this, he just tried to be supportive, he gently put his hand on Mandy’s arm, “You sure you don’t want to go to the police? There’s no better evidence for this than a foetus, you know?”  
Mandy shook her head, “We both know what dad would do to me if I’d go to the police.”  
Mickey nodded, “I’ll put the new lock on your door today.”  
“Thanks”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> can you even see those emojies correctly ?


	3. I'm not a prince and you're not Belle

Halloween came and passed, no graveyard sex for Mickey.  
Mickey went out of his way to avoid Ian. He tried to only take shifts at the store that didn’t parallel with Ian’s shifts. He didn’t go to the buildings or their other spot. He didn’t go near the Gallagher house, not even to bring his sister somewhere.

Mandy and Lip didn’t reconcile since he thought Mandy cheated on him and she had her abortion. They had a weird ‘are we or are we not’ thing going on, which meant they didn’t officially break up and looked at each other longingly whenever they saw each other, but they never said as much as a word to each other anymore.

Mandy and Ian hung out more again. Mickey was aware of Ian telling Mandy about everything regarding their secret relationship, which led to Mandy yelling at him, which led to Mickey staying at the house as little as possible, he spent time with Sandy instead.

It was the middle of November, it was fucking cold outside and soon it would start to snow. That to _three things Mickey hates_. He was smoking a cigarette and walked through the streets with Sandy, they were on the way to get some weed and beer when they passed the Gallagher house.

They were standing on the other side of the street when Mickey looked towards the house absentmindedly and the door opened. Mickey quickly took Sandy’s hand and pulled her down to the ground, hiding behind a car.  
“Mick, what the fuck?”, Sandy hissed.  
“Shht, there’s Ian. I don’t want him to see me.”  
Sandy scoffed, “You’re acting like a pre-schooler. Why can’t you just date him and safe us all this sad picture.”  
“You know why”, Mickey mumbled and ignored Sandy shaking her head and rolling her eyes.

A guy came out of the house, not a Gallagher, Ian was behind him. They said goodbye to each other.  
“Who’s that?”, Sandy asked.  
“Fuck should I know?”  
“Do you think they fucked?”  
“I don’t want to know”  
Sandy looked at him and scoffed, “Oh, boy, you want to know.”

Mickey bit his lip, Ian closed the door and the other boy was leaving with a grin on his face, “Come with me”, he said to his cousin and followed the boy.  
“Do you have a plan or do you just want to beat his head in.”  
“Of course I have a plan”, Mickey said, “You be the look-out, while I find out whether he slept with Ian, then I’ll beat his head in.”  
Sandy nodded approving.

They followed the guy down a few streets, until Mickey had the opportunity, to pull the boy on his hoodie into an alley. Sandy stayed leaned against a wall in the front to make sure no one was coming. The boy started to scream and kick when Mickey pulled him back and pushed him against a wall behind a dumpster, he pressed his hand against his mouth.

“Shut up!”, Mickey growled.  
He stopped screaming and looked at him terrified.  
“Now, quietly, what were you doing at the Gallagher house?”  
He looked at him with wide eyes and Mickey already knew the answer, he slammed him into the wall.

“Did you get fucked in the ass, huh? Little fag”  
“No, please, I- I was just working on a project with Ian”  
“A project, huh?”  
“Ye-yes, for school”  
“Which class?”  
“Uhm, chemistry”, his voice shook slightly.

Now Mickey had him, he knew, Ian didn’t take chemistry this year. He knew Ian’s timetable by heart because he used to meet him after school all the time.  
“He didn’t take chemistry this year, faggot”, Mickey growled and took a swing at the guy’s face, he could hear his nose crack underneath his fist and he was satisfied with the noise.  
“I better don’t catch you again”, he said and threw him to the cold ground. He kicked against his leg and then left the alley together with Sandy.

“You feel better now?”, Sandy asked.  
“I feel fucking better now.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A few days later, Mandy told him about another guy Ian had fucked in the locker rooms at school, she just told him, so Mickey would get his ass up and get Ian back, but instead, Mickey looked the guy up, found him and beat him to a pulp.

The following week, he followed Ian to a date with one of his old viagroids, when Ian said goodbye, he beat the man up and took his money.

Over the course of two months, he beat every person up Ian did so much as look at. Once, Ian was flirting with someone at the store, Mickey immediately took a cigarette break, went after the dude and beat him up.

The new year began and Mickey was walking through Ian and Mandy’s high school. This wasn’t a regular occurrence, but some students owed him money and they always thought they could hide from him inside the school. Mickey was here to teach them otherwise.

He left a kid with a bloody face and a broken finger in a bathroom stall. He washed his hands and left the restroom when a period ended. Mickey used the number of students to get out unseen, but then he saw Mandy coming out of a classroom. Mickey thought, he could give her some money to buy herself some lunch, but then Ian followed her.

Something that felt like a little shock wave went through him and made him shutter.

Ian Gallagher. He missed him so much.

Mickey was in love with the boy and he knew that. He could try to ignore his feelings all he wanted, but he over the summer had to admit to himself that he loved him. It beat Ian’s ‘I have romantic feelings for you’ by far.

Every other person would probably be happy when their crush would tell them they had feelings for them. But not Mickey. When Ian confessed his feelings and said he wanted to be in a relationship, Mickey panicked.

Ian and he being boyfriends would probably end badly. Mickey knew it would end badly. The thing with Ian was… the feelings that he claimed to have, he had only for a small part of Mickey. Ian was in love with the soft Mickey, that Mickey only dared to show to him, the Mickey he could cuddle and kiss. It was a part of Mickey that only existed for and because of Ian, and possibly Mandy or Sandy, and it was also the only part Mickey ever really showed Ian, he also could only keep it up for the few hours he was with Ian. Even when Mickey gave him ‘Mickey – The Thug™’ it was only the lite version, just enough Bad Boy™ Energy to turn him on.

Mickey was a Milkovich, he grew up in a house of violence. His father was always high and angry, he hit them, broke their bones for as long they could remember, he would lock them in the bathroom, shut them up with drugs. There was no food, just scraps people left over. Even their mother, who tried her best for the children, was always high to cope with the beating and the constant rape their father put her through. Terry even sold their mother to the people he owed money to on multiple occasions. When Terry and Mickey’s uncles were bored, they wandered through the southside looking for someone looking gay enough to beat up. He used to hit Mickey with a belt, hit Collin with a pan (which was the closest thing to helping in the kitchen he ever did), threatened and blackmailed the social workers, had them watch him fucking a prostitute when they were children. Mickey sold drugs like his brothers, even to little kids, not caring if it was clean stuff, he stole whatever he could get his sticky fingers on, he made sexist, racist and homophobic remarks left and right because it was the only language he was ever taught. When it got too stressful at home, he slept in the streets with the homeless, he could barely remember the two years he was 14 and 15 years old because he was constantly high and drunk. He beat people up for no reason, when he slept with the window open in summer and some animal in the neighbourhood was too loud, he shot at it. His father raped his little sister almost regularly and none of the brothers could do anything against it other than buying cheap locks for her door.

It wasn’t only, that Mickey felt like he wasn’t good enough for Ian, it was that he just didn’t want to put Ian through any of these other parts of him. And Ian might think he has feelings for him, but how could he if he didn’t really know him?

Mickey sighed and wanted to turn around and leave the school again when he saw Ian talking to a boy with blond hair and a jeans jacket. For the untrained eye, it might have looked like a regular encounter, but Mickey knew how Ian flirted, and boy, he was flirting. He then gave the blond dude a paper, Mickey guessed it was his phone number, and winked at him.

Mickey clenched his fist. Who was that guy? Why was Ian even into him? He was ugly, and his body was long and thin, like a beanstalk. What did Ian want with this thing? Climb him and try to find a gold egg laying chicken?

Ian and Mandy now walked down the hallway, while the blond dude walked into the other direction, towards Mickey. Mickey leaned against a wall and looked after him with a scowl. He breathed out of his nose and told himself to just turn around and leave. He didn’t want a relationship with Ian, what right did he have to beat up other guys Ian fucked now? He bit his bottom lip, it made him really fucking angry though, to see Ian with other men. The anger kept building inside of him and his hand shook slightly.

“Fuck it”, Mickey whispered, pushed himself away from the wall and followed him. He walked down the hallway, which cleared again, until they were at a staircase, just the two of them. Mickey caught up to him, wondering for a brief moment what he actually wanted to do when the guy stopped at the stairs and started to text someone on WhatsApp.

Mickey couldn’t even remember planning to do anything, he just saw himself stepping towards him and pushing him down the stairs. The guy screamed while tumbling down the stairs, he landed downstairs with a loud thud, his leg lay in an unnatural angle. Mickey quickly turned around and left in the opposite direction, so he wouldn’t be able to see Mickey and press charges.

Mickey went to the Kash’n’Grab store, his shift was about to start.

A few hours later, Ian came to the store to start his shift, which meant Mickey was done for the day. He went to the back to take off his security west and get his jackets without saying a word to Ian.

He came back to the front with his three jackets tightly snatched around his body, it was fucking cold outside and the snow lay almost as high as he was tall. To his surprise, Ian stood by the counter talking with that one boy, who had been at the store a while ago and Mickey beat up in his cigarette break.

When the boy saw him, he looked shocked, stepped back from Ian, stuttered that he had to go and quickly ran out. Ian looked after him confused and then looked at Mickey and crossed his arms.

“You know, I noticed something weird.”, he said to him and it was the only real sentence he uttered his way for months, “Every guy I talked to or even just looked at during the last few months got beaten up. Can you explain that to me?”  
Mickey shrugged, “Telekinesis?”  
Ian sighed, “Mickey, did you beat them up?”  
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”  
“And what about Josh? Who just ran out when he looked at you?”  
“I tend to have that effect on people. I don’t know what you want from me, maybe you just look at a lot of clumsy people. Not my problem.”, he said and left the store.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

About a week later, Ian went over to Mickey’s house, he had talked to Ray in school today, he fell down the stairs at school last week and broke his leg. When he talked to him, Ray said, he was sure, Mickey Milkovich pushed him down the stairs, but he didn’t know why and also didn’t dare to press charges against him.

Mandy opened the door for him, “Is Mickey home?”  
“Uhm, yeah, he’s in his room, why? Are you two talking again?”  
“No”, he growled, “But I’m about to fucking talk to him. Anybody else home? Your dad?”  
“No, we’re alone, why what are you doing?”

Ian just pushed past her and furiously went to Mickey’s room, he pushed the door open, came in and threw the shut again without knocking. Mickey lay in his bed and sat up surprised.

“Ian? What are you doing here?”  
“I want a fucking explanation from you! In the last few weeks every guy I fucked, every guy I only looked at got assaulted by you. What the fuck is your deal?”

Mickey crossed his arms in front of his chest and played dumb, “I don't know what you're talking about”  
“Oh, you know! You know exactly what I'm talking about”, Ian insisted, his voice shook slightly in anger.

Mickey shrugged, “It's not my fault that those fags can't watch where they're going. Maybe they ran against doors or cupboards, how would I know?”  
“You fucking pushed Ray down the stairs at school! He broke his leg!”  
“Do you have any evidence?”  
“Evidence? He recognized you!”  
“Then it's my word against his. I say he fell while he was daydreaming about your cock.”

Ian exhaled sharply, “You're unbelievable”, he shook his head, “I basically fucking told you that I'm in love with you, you said I'm ruining everything and now every guy I look at gets beaten up? Why?”, Mickey didn’t answer, he just looked away, “Huh? Lost your voice all of a sudden?”

Mickey bit his lip and mumbled something incomprehensible.  
“What?”  
“Because I don't like them touching you.”, Mickey barked and looked at him.

Ian was silent for a few seconds, stunned by this sentence. Then he got angry again, how dared he? He told him he wanted to be in a relationship with him, Mickey didn’t want to and now- “Touching me? That's your reason? Seriously?”

“Yeah.”, he sneered, “I hate it. I don't want them to touch you. So what? Be at least more discreet when you fuck them, then I wouldn't know who they are and they wouldn't have accidents all the time.”

Ian shook his head and took a step back from him, “You’re sick, Mickey, holy shit. You're obsessive and you're jealous and you're behaving like some crazy abusive boyfriend, but you refuse to admit we're even more than just fuckbuddies. Your behaviour makes me almost glad you didn't respond when I told how I felt! I don't want _this_ as boyfriend anyways!”

“I know you don't. Because you don't like me.”, Mickey stated and stared him down.

“What?”

“You don't like me. You don't even know me. You just like this cute fantasy that you came up with, but it has nothing to do with me. I'm obsessive, I'm jealous, I’m a hothead and aggressive and I resolve to violence when I can't deal with my emotions, which is basically every time I have any. I'm not some sad little boy who can be fixed by being cuddled and coddled. You don't like the real me. And you sure as fuck don't love me. You can't fucking kiss my issues away, I'm not some fairy tale prince behind the rough criminal and you're not Belle!”, he yelled at him.

They looked at each other in silence for a few minutes… it felt like an eternity to both of them.

“...yeah...”, Ian said eventually, sounding defeated, “I suppose you're right. I don't want to have anything to do with this version of you.”  
“It's the only real version of me. The rest is your imagination.”

Ian nodded slowly, turned around and left the room. He closed the door quietly and was face to face with Mandy now, who had waited and heard everything. She slowly embraced Ian, who pressed his face into her shoulder and started crying silently.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was almost a whole week later, they had a shift together at the Kash’n’Grab. Mickey stood by the fruits and vegetables and counted the carrots to just not look at Ian.  
Ian on the other hand, couldn’t tear his eyes away from him for the whole shift already. It was a very calm day, so they’ve been alone almost the entire time.

No matter what Mickey said and how many guys he beat up, he was in love with him. Of course, Mickey’s behaviour had been more than wrong, but that didn’t mean his feelings vanished.

He just wanted to be together with this man, why was this so wrong?  
He just wanted to kiss him again and cuddle him at night and be his boyfriend. He knew Mickey’s soft side, and okay, maybe he only loved the soft side and not the other ones – so what? He could help Mickey to learn dealing with his emotions without violence. But Mickey wouldn’t let him, no, instead he would avoid him and never talk to him again like the last months.

Ian felt tears brimming his eyes again. He couldn’t take looking at him any longer and he also didn’t want him to see him cry over him. Ian got up and quickly walked to the cooled products, where he tried to regain control over his body.

Mickey sighed deeply and went after him, Ian didn’t notice him. He had his hands pressed against his face and tried to stop crying when Mickey approached quietly and wrapped his arms around his shoulders.

Ian flinched slightly when Mickey touched him. Only for a few seconds, he let Mickey hug him and comfort him, but then he pushed him away.

“Stop that. You’re making it worse, Mickey”, he mumbled, “It’s… do you understand how hard this is? At first, I fall in love with you, then you’re telling me that you’re not really the guy that I fell in love with, that you’re… going to be an abuser like your dad and that you’re evil, that I don’t know you and I don’t like you”, he said quickly, shaking his head, “And then you come here… and you still treat me like the man I think you are. You’re being so fucking gentle, do you even notice that? Look at you… you come here and you comfort me.”

Mickey sighed, “Ian… this is – it’s not that easy.”  
“It’s never easy. That’s why they call it _love_ , you idiot.”, Ian said and looked at him desperately, while Mickey looked away, “I just want to _be_ with you, with this gentle side of you. I know you have it, you’re showing it to me all the time. You’re never aggressive with me, you’re always kind, you’re loyal… you’re sweet… you even blush when I hug you.”, he made a longer pause and just waited for a reaction from Mickey, “How can you say that’s not you if that’s the only side I’m getting to see?”

Mickey scoffed and scratched his arm, “’cause there are many sides that I’m hiding from you”, he mumbled.  
“Yeah, but it’s still a side of you.”  
“Yeah, but just because you like that one side of me, doesn’t mean I’m gonna put you through my others”, he said and looked up at him again, “I’m still a Milkovich. I… grew up like my siblings, with my father, ‘m like that. I have a record, I beat people up because I’m jealous because they get to look at you and get to touch you, and I don’t.”

Ian sniffed, “Well, you’ll get to. You’ll get to again. Hm? I know you have feelings for me, too, Mickey… I mean- I wish you do… I just want to be together with you. You don’t even have to call it boyfriends or relationship and- and we don’t have to celebrate anniversaries and we don’t have to go on dates in public and stuff, but… I want to spend time with you without fucking from time to time, and I want to kiss you, and I want to comfort you when you feel down, I don’t want to touch anyone else than you… I … I don’t want you to touch anyone else than me… can’t you do this for me?”

Mickey looked into his eyes for a long time, then he rubbed his hand over his face, “I think I could”, he admitted, “I want to.”  
“You do?”, Ian asked surprised.  
“Yes, fuck, of course”, Mickey exclaimed and turned away from him, he made a step away from him and pressed his hands against his face, “of course I want to, Ian… but I’m…”, he turned to him again and looked him in the eye, “I don’t want to hurt you.”

“You could never hurt me. Okay, yes, you’re aggressive, and you’re a hothead and you beat people up out of jealousy, but… you would never do that to me, I know that you would – you would never abuse… me. The way your father does – did to your mother. That’s not you. You’re extremely against that, I know that about you.”

“Yeah”, he whispered and nodded, “But just because I’m against it now, doesn’t mean I will never resolve to it.”  
Ian steppe towards him and tried to take Mickey’s hand, but he pulled it away.

“Don’t you understand… Look”, he said calmly, “My great-grandfather hit his wife. And my grandfather grew up like that and he never wanted to hit his wife. But he did. And my father grew up like that and he never wanted to hit his wife. But he did. And I grew up like that and I never want to hit you and hurt you. I don’t want to hurt anyone that I…”, he bit his lip and sighed, “But I never learned to control my anger and my emotions in any other way than violence. I’ve never seen a relationship, of any kind, work without violence. I don’t know if I could do that… if I… and I don’t want to put your health and your happiness and… your life at stake just for the off-chance I might get control over it.”

Ian looked at him softly. He had no idea, Mickey could be feeling this way. Despite what Mickey thought, Ian knew him pretty well. In Ian’s eyes, it was impossible for Mickey to become his father, he was too gentle with the people he loved, like Mandy.

“But you can learn it, Mickey… if what you said is true, if you want to be with me, if you want to be in a relationship with me, maybe even be official boyfriends one day… if you have _feelings_ for me… you can learn controlling your emotions, you can… gain control. I know you can. You’re strong. You’re the strongest Milkovich I know.”

Mickey scoffed, “You don’t exactly know a lot of us. And I’m not stronger than Mandy, you just have no idea what’s going on at home… You see, maybe... maybe I can learn it. Maybe I can learn how to control my anger and my emotions and stuff. Maybe I can. You know, maybe there is a way to learn hat, sure… But I’m not gonna… I’m not gonna learn that at your expense. No”, he shook his head, “No, I’m not gonna learn not hitting people by hitting you or letting my anger out on you in- in some other way.”

“You won’t do that”, Ian nodded, “I know that you won’t, you aren’t capable of being anything but gentle with me.”  
“It’s nice that you believe that. And I want to believe it to… but I don’t know and”, he swallowed hard, “I’m terrified of the thought I become my dad.”, he sighed deeply and looked at him seriously, “And you won’t become my mom… I’m not letting this happen.”

“Mickey… I want to take the chance.”, Ian said calmly, “I just… I know that you can be different. And I know that you would never hurt me.. not like that. And I’m ready to take the chance, even – I’m even ready to take a fucking hit in the face once or twice and I’m gonna hit you back.”  
“That’s not a healthy relationship”, Mickey said.  
“No”, Ian said and smiled, “But what relationship is healthy here? It can be the healthiest it can ever be for us… I’d rather have a 90% healthy relationship with you, then a 100% healthy relationship with anyone else.”

“Ian that’s… very problematic what you’re saying.”  
“I know. I know it is. But I trust you. I trust you to not abuse me. And, I mean, in the end, no matter which guy I end up dating, no matter who, I would always have to _trust_ them to not abuse me. Every person has to just _trust_ their partner that they won’t abuse them. We can never know. I can’t know that about any person for 100% but I’m… believing you would never treat me like your father treated your mother, I believe that for 99%, and the last per cent is just your doubt, not mine.”

Mickey looked at him sadly and didn’t find the words to answer.  
“Mickey…”, Ian whispered, “Please. Mickey… Mick… you have no idea how much I’m hurting right now… I just want you to try with me, for me.”  
Mickey ran his hands over his face again and exhaled a shaky breath, “Listen, I’m … I’m not saying that I love you… I do, but I’m not saying it.”, he wrapped his arms around Ian’s neck now, “But I promise, I’m not gonna harm you, ever… and if I do it once, I swear, I will leave you alone forever. And no matter your feelings I need you to leave me… if I ever… ever resolve to this. If I ever treat you like this you need to leave me.”

Ian started smiling at him, “So you will… be together with me?”  
“Yeah.”, he whispered.  
“Yes?”  
“Yeah”, he nodded, “But this still terrifies me.”  
“That’s okay. Being a little terrified is the thrill of it. It’s always the thrill of being with you”, he said and wrapped his arms around Mickey’s waist in return, “I know you’re not 100% the sweet prince that needs to be cuddled. The first time we fucked each other I tried to kill you with a tire iron. If you really think I don’t know who you are, you are severely mistaken. But I think you don’t really know who you are. And I think you love me, even though you don’t say it.”

Mickey scoffed and looked down, biting his lip, Ian chuckled, waited until Mickey looked up again and kissed him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The end dialogue is something I recorded on my phone a while ago and now wrote down from the recording. I'm gonna do that a few times during this fanfiction bc you know how it is, you always get the best idea at night in bed. Anyways, that's the reason there are so many pauses and ... I tried to write it down as accurately as they say it in my head / the recording.
> 
> This is a slightly shorter chapter than the other two (by 3000 words I think) you want shorter or longer chapter?


	4. You got a broken heart, I got a couple scars

It’s been a full year since Ian and Mickey got together. Ian was amazed by how hard Mickey was trying day after day to make him happy. It was almost amusingly easy to make Mickey jealous, not that Ian would do it on purpose though. But once, one of his old affairs came into the store to flirt with Ian and Mickey stared at him with homicidal rage and threw him out of the store, but without using too much physical violence on him. His hands continued to shake for about half an hour afterwards, while he tried to not use his fists to make sure that guy would never come back.

Mickey let Ian cuddle and kiss him however much he desired, never doing more than growling and rolling in eyes in protest when Ian was wrapping his arms around him and kissing him softly even in the warmest of summer weather. Sometimes, Ian liked Mickey to lie in his lap so he could pet him like cat and Mickey gave him this simple pleasure and more often than not fell asleep during it, which Ian found insanely cute.

Mickey took a detour from his house to the store over a cemetery today, armed with a pair of scissors. He tiptoed around the cemetery between the snow-covered graves, he read the death dates, looking for someone who had died in late January, preferably recently.

He was in luck, he found a ‘beloved mother and wife’ who died at the age of 34 last year, 23rd of January, a bouquet of roses lay on the headstone, they were fairly fresh. Mickey looked around to see if someone was still around, then he wasted a swift thought on the woman’s children. He pulled one of the roses out of the bouquet and cut off a part of the stem, then he put it carefully into his backpack.

He put the roses on top of the headstone again, wasted another thought on the children, and quickly left the cemetery. He entered the store and shook his head like a dog to get the snow out of his hair.

“Hi”, he heard from the counter next to him. Mickey looked at his boyfriend and grinned, “Hey”, he replied and quickly went to the back of the store to take off his jackets and his backpack.

Ian looked after him with a pout. For the past week, he had wondered whether Mickey would remember their anniversary. Mickey wasn’t all for romance, heart-shaped chocolates and candlelight, but usually, Ian didn’t let that ruin his mood. Lately, however, Ian was annoyed by some of Mickey’s issues. He could deal with all sorts of Mickey’s moods, but the whole hide-and-seek game Mickey was playing with the rest of the world was exhausting.

Mickey even tried to hide their relationship from Ian’s siblings, though, especially in the winter months, they spent most of their time at the Gallagher house. Mickey only fooled himself when he believed the rest of the family didn’t catch on to them yet. Just once, Ian wanted to kiss him in the open street, and even if just on his cheek, or hold his hand. But Mickey was too scared of his father all the time to just risk doing anything anywhere people could see them.

Ian sighed and thoughtfully looked towards the fruits and vegetables across from him. He heard Mickey coming back to him. Ian looked at him, he smiled down at him.  
“You think, I forgot, don’t you?”  
“Forgot what?”, Ian asked.  
“Don’t play dumb with me, freckles.”

Freckles, he said, as usual. Shortly after they got together, Mickey had compiled a list with pet names for Ian. “I googled how to have a good relationship”, he had said, “See, I only call you these names, and I only call you by your first name when I’m angry or serious.” Ian had loved all the effort he made throughout the year, thinking about this, it wasn’t that surprising that Mickey didn’t forget their anniversary.

“Well”, Ian said and stood up, “You forgot my birthday.”  
“Almost”, Mickey corrected him.  
“Yeah, because I reminded you the day before.”  
Mickey rolled his eyes, “Well, in contrast to your birth, I was actually there when we got together.”, he said and handed the rose from the graveyard to Ian.  
Ian started grinning widely and took the rose from him.

“You bought me a rose?”  
“Well, stole”, Mickey said with a shrug, “Does it count, though?”  
“Of course it does, thank you”, he whispered and leaned in to kiss him, but Mickey put a hand on his shoulder and looked to the door.  
“Stop, people might come in.”  
Ian sighed deeply and sat down behind the counter again, he put the rose in front of him and pouted.

“Don’t pout, you look like a toddler.”, Mickey said, rounded the counter and folded his arms on it, “I promised to spend the whole afternoon just doing what you tell me”  
“And if I tell you to kiss me in front of other people?”  
Mickey bit his lip, “If it’s so important to you, we can kiss in front of Sandy… or Mandy. They already know about it.”  
“What about my siblings? You don’t even sit next to me when we’re at my place.”  
“Yes, I do.”  
“Not as closely as you usually do.”

Mickey sighed annoyedly and pushed himself up from the counter, “Oh no”, he said in a mocking tone, “Do you think our relationship will survive that one inch I sit away from you?”  
Ian looked at him for a long time, in his head he said “I don’t know if it will” over and over again, but he couldn’t bring himself to let the words pass his lips.

“So, let’s forget about that, get this shift over with and then we’ll go to your house and have a nice evening, yeah? Come on, I brought you a fucking rose for our anniversary.”  
Ian looked at the rose and bit his lip. _Effort_. Mickey always made so much effort, but it didn’t quite make up for the lack of appreciation and affection in front of other people. No one wanted to be hidden all their life and it made Ian feel as if they still had their just-sex-no-feelings relationship.

Ian nodded and smiled at Mickey, “Okay. But at home, you do whatever I say.”  
Mickey squinted his eyes for a moment, “I’m not gonna lick your toes”  
“I… didn’t plan to ask that of you.”  
“Then we’re good.”, Mickey smiled.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

At Ian’s place, they grabbed the family’s laptop and occupied Fiona’s room.  
“Fiona is out tonight and spends the rest of the time and night at V’s, we can have the room for the entire night.”, Ian said when he closed the door.  
Mickey nodded and wrapped his arms around Ian to kiss him for the first time today.

Ian sighed lightly when the separated again, “Finally”  
Mickey smiled and combed Ian’s hair back with his fingers, he wore it darker and longer now than last year.  
“Wouldn’t you like to kiss me more often?”  
“Of course I would, you could quit school and we both quit the store, we can join the homeless crew and make out and fuck our brains out the entire time”, he said and kissed him again.

Ian ran his hands down Mickey’s back and grabbed Mickey’s ass, to pull him closer. Mickey grinned against his lips and kissed him passionately while dropping his hands to Ian’s pants, unzipping them. They pushed both of their pants down impatiently, and almost tore their shirts by ripping them off.

Mickey put his hands on his shoulders again and turned Ian around and pushed him down on the bed. They impatiently made their way to the bed, losing their pants somewhere along the way.  
Mickey pushed him down on the bed and crawled on top of him, straddling his hips. He could feel his prominent erection through the fabric of his boxers.

Ian kissed his cheek and sucked harshly on his neck.  
“You always with your hickeys”, Mickey mumbled grinning.  
“It’s my only way to claim you”, Ian whispered against his neck.  
Mickey ignored the comment, “You got lube here?”  
“Left side, first drawer.”

Mickey nodded, he got down from Ian and crawled to the other end of the bed, opening one of the drawers of Fiona’s nightstand.  
Ian moved further up in the pillows and ran his hand over Mickeys back to his boxers and groped his ass.

Mickey smirked and came back to him with the lube and a condom. Ian pulled both their boxers off and kissed him again while leading him back on top of himself.  
Their dicks rubbed together and Ian opened the bottle of lube, while Mickey ran his hand through Ian's red hair.

Ian had both hands on Mickey's cheeks and pulled them apart, groping the soft skin and pushing him closer to him, making Mickey rubbing their crotches together.

Ian usually had a thing for teasing and foreplay, but he wanted to get his hands on Mickey since he brought him the rose today, now he just wanted to get that ass.  
A second later he slowly pushed his finger into his hole.  
He thrust his finger in and out of him, soon enough adding a second one. Mickey moaned lowly into the kiss.

Ian worked him up to three fingers while Mickey kissed his lips and neck and explored his freckled skin with his hands.

Eventually, he panted that he was ready for Ian's dick now, took the lube and coated Ian’s dick with it, giving long strokes to him while holding eye contact with his boyfriend.

Mickey finally sat on top of him properly again and let himself slide down on him, Ian's hands were on his hips, guiding him down. Mickey moaned when he slid down on him until he sat on his hips, he smirked down at Ian.

He tucked his feet underneath Ian's thighs and started moving his hips up and down. Ian threw his head back into the pillow and moaned while Mickey went faster on top of him.

Mickey leaned back and put his hands on Ian's thighs behind him to prop himself up. He fucked himself on his cock, rocked back and forth, feeling his cock deep inside of him, how he liked it. Ian looked at him, watched him moving on top of him and found him incredibly hot like this.  
He grabbed Mickeys cock and jerked him off additionally.

Mickey kept himself up, his mouth hanging open, little grunts filling the room.  
Ian spread his legs and bucked his hips up, so Mickey leaned forwards and rested his hands on Ian's freckled shoulders, their faces inches away from each other.

Ian moaned and bucked his hips up again, Mickey smiled and went faster on top of him, sliding up and down on his cock.  
Ian groped his ass cheeks and made him move a bit faster, having Mickey moaning and throwing his head back.

Ian thrust his hips up as good as he could, fucking into the Milkovich in different angles.  
"Right there, Gallagher", he moaned suddenly, and Ian chuckled, sliding his hands down Mickey's body, pulling him down for another kiss while keeping to hit that spot.

“If you keep being so loud, my siblings are gonna hear you”, Ian whispered.  
“Fuck ‘em”, Mickey panted, “Just keep going”  
Ian chuckled and kissed him again while fucking into him at a fast pace.

Mickey eventually sat up more again, making Ian slow down, to start bouncing on his cock again, sliding up and down at a fast pace.  
His feet were tucked under Ian's legs, who lay on his back, watching Mickey in awe riding him like a damn pony.

He threw his head back.  
Mickey chuckled and kept bouncing on him, fucking himself on him hard and fast. Both of them kept groaning and grunting.

Ian ran his hands down Mickey's body, pinching his right nipple, he groped his firm ass, helped him sliding up and down on his dick.

Mickey jerked himself off, the other hand still on Ian's freckled shoulder, while Ian had both hands on Mickey's hips.

"I'm coming", Mickey panted.  
"Fuck", Ian moaned, "I'm close, don't stop"  
Mickey smirked down at him.

After a few more minutes, Mickey came over his hand and Ian's body, he clenched around Ian's dick, and the redhead came inside of him only a moment later, pushing Mickey's hips down on him.

They panted and Mickey grinned down at him. When they both calmed down a bit, Mickey got down from Ian and used a tissue to clean them up, before falling into the sheets next to Ian.

Ian kissed his cheek. Mickey smiled at him and stood up from the bed, he went to grab his jeans and get out his cigarettes, “You want one?”  
Ian shook his head, “Fi said, you gotta smoke by the window”  
“Why? What kind of house is this?”  
“Hey, be glad Fi let us use her room, she only made two rules: No cum stains on her sheet and smoking by the window.”  
“Why would she expect there to be cum on the bed?”, Mickey asked perplexed.  
Ian gave him a long look, “Yeah, how would she get that idea?”, he asked sarcastically.  
Mickey shrugged, “Maybe she was just joking”, he said, lit his cigarette and opened the window.

Ian would have laughed about Mickey’s stupidity if it wouldn’t be so sad, that Mickey was so determined that no one should ever know about them.

Ian watched him smoke, his pale skin and black hair against the white snow outside – he reminded him on Snow White. Ian smiled. He didn’t want to be angry with him. He should just forget about the whole secret-thing for today, it was their anniversary after all. And Mickey really tried a lot for him during the last year. Every time he got angry or upset he removed himself from Ian.

Ian looked at his ass and grinned, “You got a pimple on your ass.”  
“What?”, Mickey turned around, “No, I don’t.”  
Ian chuckled, “Yes, you do, right there”, he said, sat up and turned Mickey around by his arm.  
“Shut up, I don’t! Hey, don’t touch there”, he swatted Ian’s hand away and grabbed his boxer shorts while Ian laughed at him.  
“Idiot”, Mickey growled, “You’re not going to fuck me again for the rest of the day.”  
“Aww”, Ian laughed, “Are you insulted now, poor Baby”  
“Shut up, I told you to not call me that”, he said while going back to the window.

“You said, you’ll do anything I want, I want to call you babe. So suck it up, Babe”, he winked.  
Mickey flipped him off and flung his cigarette out of the window, before shutting it again. He quickly went back to the bed and pulled the covers over the two of them, while getting as close as possible to Ian.

“Fucking cold”, he mumbled and Ian chuckled and wrapped his arms around him to heat him up, he kissed his forehead.  
“I love you”, Ian mumbled.  
“Love you too”, Mickey said quickly and pressed his face against Ian’s warm chest, “Damn heater”

Ian smiled and put nuzzled his nose against Mickey’s hair, he smelled so good… cigarettes, soap and sweat.  
“Later, I’ll cook something for the two of us”, Ian whispered.  
“Hmm, how burned will it be”  
“Shut up, I’m a good cook.”  
“In comparison to who?”  
“Mickey, I will smack that pimple on your ass if you don’t stop it.”  
“You wouldn’t dare.”  
“Oh, wouldn’t I? Because you look so scary right now cuddled up here like a kitten.”

Mickey looked up at him a point and what was supposed to be an angry look in his eyes, but he looked like a little child who didn’t get the chocolate he wanted, so Ian started laughing at him.

“Stop laughing”, Mickey growled and hit his arm lightly, but Ian wouldn’t stop, so Mickey grabbed his arms and pushed him on his back so he sat on top of him again.

Ian grinned, “Aren’t you cold anymore now?”  
“Yeah, I am, so do your damn job and play heater, instead of laughing.”  
“Admit that I’m a good cook, first, hmm, _babe_.”

Mickey crossed his arms in front of his chest, and Ian pulled the blanket over Mickey’s shoulder, like a cape.  
“Be glad you’re so good in bed, freckles, sometimes you make me think, this ain’t worth it after all.”

Ian scoffed, “Oh, please”, he smirked, “You looove me”  
“Oh, do I?”  
“Yes, you love me too much to ever leave me. Loooovy love”, Ian sat up, balanced Mickey in his lap and kissed his cheek, “And you love it when I do this, and that”, he kissed his neck, “And this”, he kissed the tip of his nose, which made Mickey wiggle his nose like a cat, which made Ian laugh loudly again.  
“Stop laughing, kiss me.”, Mickey said and wrapped his legs around Ian, who grinned, kissed him again and turned them around, so Mickey lay on the mattress again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Ian had ignored the problem of the coming out for a while. It was March now and the snow was melting slowly, but it was still freezing outside.

Ian and Mickey just finished their shifts. Ian had locked the front door and they hooked up in the back room. Now they got dressed again and took their jackets too, ready to leave.

Mickey smiled at Ian, kissed him again, “See ya tomorrow, Gallagher”, he said and left the room. Ian bit his lip, he needed to talk to him about the whole relationship and coming out thing… they were alone at the store, this was the best time for it, right?

Ian went after Mickey.  
“Mickey, there is something I want to talk about”, he said with a steady voice, before Mickey could reach the front door.  
Mickey turned around confused, “Uh, here?”  
“Yes here.”  
Mickey shrugged and walked the few steps back to him, while Ian kept talking nervously.  
“You know, be-because outside, you don’t want to talk about relationship stuff in the open, and it’s cold, and, uhm, there are people and you don’t wanna talk about stuff when there are people around, so… here. Or are the cleaning products also not supposed to know, that we’re in love?”

“Okay… I didn’t need the whole term paper about it. Go ahead, spill.”  
Ian sighed deeply, “I… want to have an…”, he bit his lip, “Anopenrelationship.”, he said quickly.  
Mickey looked at him with raised eyebrows, “An open relationship? You mean, the one where you fuck other people?”  
“No!”, Ian said quickly so Mickey wouldn’t freak out about the wrong thing, “No, no, I mean, not _open_ like that, but like… _in_ the open. Like, outside.”  
“You want to live with the homeless people after all? Ian, please, it’s still very fucking cold outside.”

“No, I meant officially…”, he rubbed looked at his feet, “Like, in front of people, you know?”  
Mickey still seemed confused, “You… want to start a web show and get paid for other people watching us having sex?”  
“Mickey, no! I’m not talking about sex, I’m talking about other people knowing about our relationship.”, Ian said angrily and looked into his eyes.

Mickey sighed and looked at the ceiling for a moment.  
“Mickey… I… I just don’t want to be some secret boyfriend, okay? You’re twenty years old, for fuck’s sake, and we’re together for one year, and we never – we don’t hold hands out together, you don’t kiss me, you don’t even look at me for too long when people are around that might see it.”

Ian put his palms against Mickey’s cheeks and looked at him softly, “Why can’t we just tell people? Be a real couple?”

Mickey took Ian’s wrists and removed his hands from his face.  
“Oh, I don’t know, is my dad turning me into mashed potatoes a good enough reason?”

Ian knew Mickey would use this argument again, he crossed his arms in front of his chest turned slightly away from him.  
“We are a real couple, Ian. You remember? You wanted us to be a real couple.”  
“You wanted to be together with me too.”  
“I did. I-I do, I still do, of course. And I like the way it is, it’s going great, isn’t it? We just had our first anniversary, I didn’t forget about it, I brought you a rose.”  
“Yes, you brought me a rose”, Ian nodded and looked at him, “And I wasn’t allowed to kiss you for it, because we were in the store, and there was a very small chance that someone might come in… at 9 in the morning on a Sunday.”

Mickey closed his eyes for a moment and gnawed on his bottom lip, he decided to try explaining it a bit calmer again, “Ian, when my dad finds out about this, he will kill me himself.”  
“You don’t know that”  
“Of course, I know that.”  
“He never did it yet, did he?”  
“Yes, he did. He literally did it, multiple times. The person he framed was in prison for it.”  
“But not to his own son. Maybe, maybe it’s different with you, maybe if you come out to him”  
“Ian, if I come out to him I will end in a graveyard”, he said sternly, “Probably with a few lost limbs, okay?”

“But, I mean, you’re his son, after all.”  
“Oh, yeah, because that ever mattered in the last twenty years of my life. Right, he didn’t beat me black and blue pretty much every day, I just imagined it, my bad.”, he said and Ian just looked at the ground upset, “My family is different from yours, Ian. When will you understand it: It’s not as easy for me as it is for you.”

Ian bit his bottom lip and shrugged, “Then move out.”  
“I would have to move to a whole other country, so my dad won’t find me. DO you think he can’t find the way from his house to your house? Or where am I supposed to live? With the homeless people? Ian, I would freeze to death. And every time I sleep at the shelter, you complain, I shouldn’t because it’s not safe and shit!”

Ian scratched his arm while looking at the ground, “I just… I mean, I…”, he sighed defeatedly, “I just want people to know.”  
“Yeah, and I would like to stay alive a little longer, so we could at least continue this relationship. If my dad knew, he would kill me and you wouldn’t have me as a boyfriend at all. Woohoo.”

“You don’t… you can’t know what we would actually do to you.”  
Mickey scoffed, “You’re right, in a sense. There are multiple scenarios that could pan out. So, here is one of my highlights: At first, he beats me half to death until I’m unconscious, then he calls a prostitute to fuck the gay out of me and maybe, just to top it all off, he would even force me to marry her, just to get some kicks.”, he looked at Ian for a moment, watching his reaction, “Is it worth it for you? Because it’s not for me. I love you, but holding your damn hand outside or in the store or whatever fucking fantasy you dreamed up, is not worth dying over. Now, excuse me, I have an errand to run.”, he said and let Ian stand alone in the store.

Ian looked after him and let out a shaky breath.

Why did he have to be so dramatic? Sure, Terry was an asshole, he was dangerous and all those things, and yes, he abused all his children for years – but why couldn’t Mickey just leave? And why did he have to hide it from EVERYONE? Hiding it from his dad, okay, but from everyone, it was just unfair.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The past week Ian and Mickey barely talked, Ian was upset and Mickey wouldn’t reach out to him. In his opinion, Ian had to do the first step, after all, was he the one who basically would risk Mickey’s death for a kiss in the snow.

Ian came home from the store after another shift of silence between him and Mickey. He went up to his room and threw his backpack on his bed angrily, almost hitting Lip, who sat at the window by the bed.

“Whoa, what’s up with you?”, Lip asked.  
Ian closed the door and leaned against Lip’s bedpost.  
“Fight with Mickey”, he mumbled.

He actually didn’t want to get Lip into the whole mess too, Lip was against Mickey anyways. He and Mandy still were… complicated, to say the least. They sometimes met for sex, Mandy was still deeply in love with him, but he was unsure about his feelings for her since she cheated on him last year and had an abortion.

“Surprise, surprise”, Lip said, “What did he do?”  
Ian sighed, “It’s not what he did, but what he doesn’t do.”  
“Which is?”  
Ian shrugged, “Stand by me? It’s just so stupid that I still have to hide this fucking relationship. We’re fucking adults now and he acts like a little child who is afraid to come home to his dad with a D.”  
“I thought it’s about him taking D.”, Lip smirked.

Ian looked at him while Lip just laughed, “I’m glad my relationship problems are so amusing.”  
“Dude, you were the one who insisted on dating Mickey Milkovich, come on”, he shook his head, “You know how Terry can be, would you want to go to him and tell him you’re gay.”  
“He’s not my dad”, Ian said, “He would kill me, sure, but Mickey is his son.”  
“Yeah”, Lip scratched his head, “Because that matters to him.”  
Ian shrugged, “Then Mickey could move out or something.”  
“To where? Do you expect Liam, Carl and me to sleep here while you and Mickey have sex all the time in the same room? He can’t move in here.”  
“You are at college most of the time anyway.”  
“Still, this isn’t a fucking shelter. Mickey is not moving in.”

Ian rolled his eyes and sat down on his bed, Lip sat next to him.  
“That’s not the fucking point anyways. I love him, really. But I’m tired of this hide-and-seek game. When we were kids it was thrilling and shit… now it just feels like we’re either still having this not-relationship or like I’m with those old, married dudes.”  
“Ian, you’re eighteen, you’re still a kid.”  
Ian shook his head, “I just don’t want him to be ashamed of me.”, he said sadly and rubbed his hands over his face.

Lip looked at his little brother and sighed, he put his hand on his back, “Ian, you’re the best thing that could happen to him. If anything, he’s ashamed of himself, not you. But if you’re not happy, you can always leave him, you know?”  
Ian bit his bottom lip, “I don’t want to leave him. I want the exact opposite, I want to be with him and I want people to know that he’s my boyfriend… the way it is… it’s just so fucking exhausting and I don’t get why I’m not even worth fighting for. He just says ‘no’ and that’s the end of the conversation for him. How long am I supposed to wait? Until Terry is dead?”  
Lip shrugged, “I don’t know what else I’m supposed to say. If you ask me, he isn’t worth all this trouble. Dump him.”

“Because that worked out so great for you and Mandy? Do you think she doesn’t tell me about it when you go to her after none of the college chicks would fuck you? You can’t let go of her and I can’t let go of Mickey. I just… want him to step up and admit that he is my boyfriend. And if he doesn’t do that voluntarily, I’ll have to force him.”  
Lip sighed, “You know, I come to enjoy the two of us talking about our relationships with the Milkvoiches.”  
“Oh yeah?”  
“Yeah, because you and Mickey make Mandy and me sound healthy.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mickey sat at his kitchen table together with his brothers and his dad. They were filing serial numbers off some guns so they could sell them. It was some of the easiest tasks to do that had something to do with the “Family business”. Even as little children, they all sat around the table and removed the numbers from guns. Mickey remembered, once, when he was four, his brother Iggy played around with one of the guns too much, safety on, safety off, “pew pew, ha you’re dead” and before anyone could (or wanted to) interfere, he had shot their older brother Collin in the arm.

Now, almost seventeen years later, it was just one scar among many others. Collin of his brothers was missing a front tooth and a little finger from a fight with his cellmate in prison, Iggy was missing a few toes, because Terry once let him stand outside in the deep snow with his bare feet for hours. His half brother, Olly, who was only occasionally at the house, once got his nose cut off with some poultry scissors when he snorted some of Terry cocaine that he had intended to sell. Then there was the cousin-inbred, Charlie, who maybe was kinda his halfbrother too, but was treated like a cousin, he wasn’t more or less of a dim-wit than Mickey’s brothers at first, but after some severe blows to the head by Terry, the only thing he was actually able to do was breathing.

Mickey and Mandy, who were, in a way, the babies of the family, didn’t get it so bad, physically (at least so far). Neither was missing toes or fingers, sure Mickey had some half-broken teeth from beatings, but he also had a way of bribing and threatening dentists. Mickey and Mandy were also the only Milkoviches, that cared about their looks.

Mickey only started caring about his looks since meeting Ian. He had started showering and brushing his teeth all the time, wearing deodorant and changing his clothes regularly. All those things weren’t as normalized in his family as they were in Ian’s family. The siblings tended to sleep in the streets, at shelters or, in Mandy’s case, at relatives’ houses when their dad was in a worse mood than usual – in this, they were smarter than their older brothers.

Though Mickey and Mandy weren’t mutilated yet, it didn't mean that their dad was in any way less aggressive with them. They were just smarter than the rest of the family, they were solely surviving and keeping all their limbs together on this fact. Self-discipline and a good hiding place.

But it didn’t change the fact that Terry beat them up all the time, that they had concussions, bloody lips, scabs, scars and probably a few traumas. And somehow, this was a thing Ian simply didn’t want to understand.

It took extreme discipline and strength for Mickey to be somewhat of a good boyfriend to Ian. To let Ian cuddle him, pet him and call him ‘babe’ and whatnot without Mickey freaking out and pushing him off. It sounded like an easy thing, right? How hard could it be to lie in the lap of the boy you love and let him be cute and soft with you?

Well, it could be pretty fucking hard, because it required Mickey to let his guard down completely. Because he wanted to flinch away every time he was touched when he didn’t expect it, because the slightest pressure Ian would use while Mickey had his guard down, made him jump and hide in fear, because he expected to be hit and beaten.

It was something he hadn’t exactly explained to Ian… he wanted him to understand it though, at least a bit. He didn’t have to understand every part of Mickey’s brain, every detail of his issues – but he just needed Ian to at least understand that his situation was a little more complicated than Ian’s.

Ian had the support of his siblings, his sister was in control, his father was an asshole, sure, but he didn’t hit them on the regular and abuse them since their childhood. The last thing Mickey had someone to protect him from his dad, was when his mom was still alive… and many years of cuts and black eyes passed since then.

Mickey finished the gun he was working on, he put them on the ‘finished’ pile on the table and got up from the table.

“Where do you think you’re going?”, Terry growled, “You still got more than enough work cut out for you”  
“I’m just getting a beer”, Mickey said.

He went to the fridge, grabbed a can and went back to the table while taking a gulp. He took the next gun, and a few minutes later, Terry got up from his seat at the head of the table and went to the fridge.

Suddenly, he slammed the fridge door and everyone at the table looked up at him surprised. Terry started to turn red while coming back to the table.  
“You took the last fucking beer, you useless faggot!”

Mickey stared at him with wide eyes. He quickly thought of a way to de-escalate this situation while his dad came over to him with his raised fist already. Mickey pushed the can of beer towards his father’s place.

“I didn’t notice it was the last one, have it.”  
But the thing was – you could never de-escalate a situation with Terry because Terry wanted to be angry, he wanted to hit someone, he just waited for a reason, for an occasion. Mickey wasn’t even sure if it really was the last beer, it could be that Terry just felt like hitting someone and used this as justification.

Terry brought his fist down on Mickey’s face, Mickey gasped in pain, he could feel the left side of his face pulsating. He could see Terry taking the beer can, he pressed the cold metal against Mickey’s face and pressed the can together against Mickey’s head, until it was a small, round disc, “Now fucking go and get me new beer!”, he growled and threw Mickey to the ground.

Mickey lay on the ground for a minute without moving, he landed with his head on the hard floor and he could hear a high ringing noise in his ears. A sudden kick to his leg, made him sat up slowly. He got up and forced himself to go to the door without making another sound, he took his shoes and jackets and left the house.

Outside he gasped in pain again and fell down on the cold porch. He took a few deep breaths and pulled his jackets and shoes on. He ruffled through his pockets for his phone and texted Sandy.

 **Mick:** meet me at my house. Hurry

Sandy only needed three minutes to appear at his place.  
“Jesus, Mick, what happened?”, she said, but she didn’t sound really surprised or shocked, Which meant, he didn’t look so bad and was at least not bleeding from his head.  
“Took the last beer or something. Gotta get some new cans.”, he said and Sandy helped him to get up, “My head hurts”  
“Yeah, got a nice cut there”, Sandy sighed, “What do you need me for though?”  
Mickey bit his lip, “Ian is at the store”, he said, “I’m not in the mood to see him right now.”

Sandy nodded, took her cousins arm and pulled him down the street in the direction of the store.

“So, you’re still not talking to him?”  
Mickey shrugged, “Why do I have to make the start? He is the one who always has to start fights and stuff – I’m always the one who gives in first”, he grumbled, “He could at least apologise this time for being such a stupid idiot”

Sandy didn’t have an answer, she let her tongue play with her lip piercing thoughtfully.  
“You know it’s not fucking easy to come out and shit, right?”, Mickey asked her.  
“Of course I know. I grew up with Terry, I know what he’s like. I guess I’m a bit luckier with my dad. Though I still wouldn’t tell him I’m gay either… I don’t know, he could end up pulling some conversion therapy or correction-rape shit on me though… I guess if they just fetishize me I’d be the lucky one out of the two of us.”

Mickey shrugged, “You know… I love the ginger, I really do”, he mumbled and looked around, checking if someone was within earshot, “But sometimes… I don’t know if it’s all worth it. Acting like pussies don’t disgust me might be easier than dealing with this feelings and relationship crap… especially when Ian additionally makes my life hell with his ‘ugh you don’t know if he’d actually kill you, go and find out’ shit.”

“I’m sure he doesn’t mean it like that. He wouldn’t want you to get hurt by your dad.”  
“Yes, he wants that. There is no way I’m getting out of this mess without getting at least a beat down – and if it’s only a beating I’m lucky – and he knows that and he still wants me to tell people and shit because he needs to hold my hand in front of other people. What kind of bullshit is this?”, he shook his head, “Be glad you’re not dating a Gallagher too, they’re fucking exhausting.”

Sandy sighed deeply, “So what are you gonna do? Dump Ian and go back to fucking chicks like Angie Zago?”  
“I don’t know… the way the last year went, it’s likely I’ll just be the first one to apologize in the end, grovel my ass off and suck his cock so isn’t mad at me anymore”, he scoffed, “And he has the audacity to say he’s unhappy. I do everything for the little shit, except willingly going to my deathbed.”

“I see why you called, I wouldn’t want to see him right now either.”, Sandy said as they reached the store, “You got money?”  
“Nah, but Linda’s not there anyways and the cameras are broken again.”  
Sandy nodded and went into the store while Mickey stayed inside and lit a cigarette.

Sandy glanced at Ian, who looked up when he heard the door, but then kept flipping through his book when he saw Sandy. She went to the drinks at the other end of the store and got a sixpack when she turned around again, Ian stood in front of her suddenly.

“Hey, the last dude who sneaked up on me like this landed in a hospital”, she said, “Fuck do you want?”  
“Why isn’t Mickey coming in himself?”  
Sandy shrugged, “He’s your boyfriend, not mine. You should know why isn’t in the mood to see you.”

Ian looked at her angrily and took the sixpack out of her hand, “Well, he’s only getting his precious beer if he comes in and gets it himself!”  
“You really think it’s smart what you’re doing right now?”, Sandy asked, “Taking shit away from me?”  
“It belongs to the store and you weren’t even about to pay for it anyway.”  
Sandy shrugged, “You know, Mickey is right”, she said, simply opened the fridge again and took another six-pack out, “You are fucking exhausting.”, she shook her head and left the store. Outside she pushed the beer into Mickey’s hands, “Is he always so pushy?”  
“Yes.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A few days later they had a shift together at the store again. The silence between them was unbearable. Ian was reading his book and ignored Mickey, who was pacing through the store, waiting for Ian to make the first step.

Eventually, he stopped and sighed.  
Ian wouldn’t make the first step. He would punish him with silence until Mickey would give in. While Mickey was angry with him, he also missed him. He missed simply talking to him and being treated with some kindness and softness.

“Oh, for fucks sake, could you please talk to me again?!”, Mickey yelled suddenly, making Ian jump and look up from his book, “Why do I have to make the first step? Why can’t you apologize for a change? Why does it always _have_ to be me?”

They looked at each other over the counter for a long moment. Mickey was visibly upset, but Ian seemed almost confused by his sudden rant.

“What would I apologize for?”, he asked calmly.  
Mickey scoffed, “What you should apologize for? You basically asked me to go ahead and _kill_ myself!”

Ian slammed his book shut and put it on the counter, “That’s not what I said, I asked you to come out to people, so we might be, you know, having a relationship outside of my house or that damn fucking broken building out there!”

Mickey crossed his arms in front of his chest and shook his head, “You’re so fucking selfish, Ian.”  
“Me?”  
“Yeah, you!”  
“How am I selfish? I’m your boyfriend, I just asked you to behave like a boyfriend towards me when other people are around!”, he screamed back at him.  
“At the chance of me _dying_!”

Ian rolled his eyes, “Oh please, you’re so fucking dramatic. You won’t _die_ just because you come out”  
“And how would you know?”, Mickey said and looked directly into his eyes, “Hm? And even if I don’t die I will definitely, 100%, get a beat down by my dad. Why do you want that to happen?”

Ian was silent now and looked away from him, not able to stand the look in Mickey’s eyes.  
“Hm? Why?”  
“I don’t…”, he whispered and sighed, he leaned his head back, “Mick, I don’t want that to happen, I don’t want you to be hurt”, he looked at him again, “I just… want to be treated like a boyfriend.”  
“I treat you like my boyfriend. I do my fucking best to be a good boyfriend to you! I do everything I can. Why can’t that ever be enough for you? What do you do, huh?”, he let out a shaky breath and ran his hands over his face.

“Do you have any idea what you’re asking of me? My dad would beat the living fuck out of me and then he would probably kick me to the curb. Why do you want that? Because this is what is going to happen if I come out. And then, next thing, he’s gonna come and beat you up. Do you think I want that? Do you think I would let him do that?”

Ian bit his lip and shrank in his seat while Mickey was talking.  
“Mickey, I just… why can’t you understand me?”  
“Why can’t you understand _me_?”, Mickey yelled desperately, he swallowed hard and tried to compose himself again, “It’s like… you’re afraid of snakes. Do I get to the fucking pet store, buy ten snakes and force you to touch them and, and stuff? Put them in your bed and whatnot? No, I don’t! Because you’re afraid of them, no matter if they’d actually kill you or not. And I’m fucking…”, he breathed out, looked at the ground and ran his hands through his hair, before he resumed quietly, “I’m fucking afraid of my dad. Okay? I’m afraid of him, as pathetic as that may sound. And if I would do this, he would… beat me up so bad… and then he’s gonna beat you up and maybe he’s gonna kill both of us, maybe he’s just gonna kill one of us…” he looked up again, but didn’t look at Ian directly, “I don’t want… either of that to happen. And you’re angry with me because of that. I’m not angry with you, because I can’t have a pet snake because of you.”

Now, Mickey couldn’t stand this anymore. He felt disgustingly vulnerable while Ian just wouldn’t and wouldn’t understand. He shook his head and quickly disappeared between the shelves.

Ian looked after him sadly.  
Was he the asshole here? Was he really asking for too much? He could hear Mickey letting out a small sob somewhere by the eggs. He quickly got up, locked the front door and rushed to him.

Mickey stood leaned against a shelf and looked at the ground, his face was red, but still dry, he wasn’t crying, but he looked like he was about to. Ian carefully came to him, wrapped his arms around him and hugged him tightly.

“I’m sorry”, Ian whispered.  
“Fuck off”  
“No, Mickey, I’m really sorry, okay? You’re right, it’s… this is not worth getting you hurt over. It’s okay.”, he kissed his forehead and ran one of his hands softly over Mickey’s head, he could feel a bump on the side of his head, and he wondered if it came from one of his dad’s attacks.

Mickey was right, coming out was dangerous. Everything that could anger Terry was dangerous, and this was very high on the list of things that made the Milkovich patriarch freak out.

“Just, maybe, you know… how about, in front of my siblings, at my house, you don’t pretend like we’re not together… because, Mickey, they already know anyway. Okay? We’re not really as subtle as you think.”  
Mickey, who was leaned against him and had his arms around his waist let out a small sob.  
“And none of them will tell your dad and none of them will tell anyone, I promise. I love you… I don’t want you to be hurt.”

Mickey didn’t answer he just hid his face in Ian’s shirt.  
“Mickey, did you hear what I said? I love you”, he repeated and waited for an answer, “Mickey, you have to say it back, even when you’re angry with me, please. Do you still love me?”  
“Of course I do”, Mickey mumbled.  
“See, that’s the most important thing, yeah? I’m sorry”, he whispered and kissed his forehead again.


	5. Come a little coser to the flame

It got warmer outside, the snow melted, the flowers started to bloom, Ian and Mickey started to spend time at their building again and Ian became more and more unhappy.

When they were at the building, spending the night there, or lying on the mattress cooling down after sex, smoking and talking and kissing and cuddling, it was like they were in a whole other world. It was a small piece of heaven and both of them were incredibly happy just existing here together.

But outside of it… it was different.

On a Tuesday, Ian and Mickey once walked down the streets at night from the building to their house. No one was around, not one soul, not even car drove by in the last 15 minutes. Ian took a small breath and then took Mickey’s hand gently, to hold it while they were walking. Ian counted the seconds – one, two, three, fou- and Mickey pulled his hand away, put both of them into his pockets and quickly looked up and down the road to see if someone had seen them.

On a Thursday, a week later, Ian found out that he passed his algebra exam (he was about to finish school), he was happy and danced around Mickey in the store cheering. Mickey smiled at him lovingly and Ian, in his happiness, forgot where they were for a moment, cupped Mickey’s cheek and kissed his lips. Mickey quickly pushed him away so hard, that Ian crashed into the shelf behind him, and it almost fell over. At least two of the customers came walking towards them to check what was going on, Mickey quickly wiped his arm over his mouth – Ian had never hated a gesture as much as this one.

It then all got too much for Ian on the day of his graduation. He had invited Mickey to the party his siblings organised for him and Mickey had promised to show up. But he promised this, before the two incidences (and they were just two examples in a row of many other related events) of the hand holding and kissing.

The party was in full blast, his family, his friends, some of the guys from ROTC and also Mandy were all here. They were drinking and dancing and celebrating their graduation (since mandy and some of the friends graduated together with Ian) … just Mickey didn’t show up yet.

Ian was disappointed beyond belief. How could Mickey just forget this day? He secretly left the house and sat outside on the steps to the porch, looking at his phone. If Mickey would at least texted him… came up with some excuse… but nothing. He wanted to text him and ask him where he was when the door behind him opened again. Ian turned around and saw Mandy, who smiled at him compassionately and held two drinks in her hand. She sat down next to Ian.

“He won’t come, you know”, she said.  
Ian sighed and took one of the drinks from her.  
“But why? He promised me to come.”  
“Well, he said…”, she rubbed her arm and looked down, “He said, you were losing control over yourself lately, especially when you two are here in front of your siblings. And now, that there are even more people and strangers here, he didn’t want to risk it. I guess he’s afraid you’re gonna out him.”

Ian clenched his jaw and then angrily threw the cup in his hands to the ground.  
“Since when is Mickey fucking Milkovich such a damn little pussy?”, he yelled.  
Mandy looked at him with wide eyes and quickly looked around if someone heard him while shushing him.

“Hey, I’m on your side. But being afraid of our dad isn’t necessarily the dumbest thing.”  
“So? He could have at least texted me! He’s such a fucking coward”, he shook his head, “You know, if he doesn’t feel like he has to come, maybe I’ll get so drunk I forget I have a boyfriend and instead make out with Paul, let’s see how much he likes that!”, he said and was about to storm back inside.  
“If you do that, Mickey will kill Paul and beat you up before breaking up with you, you do know that, right?”  
“He wouldn’t beat me up.”  
“If you cheat on him, you bet he will. But it definitely won’t make him come out.”  
Ian scoffed, “Why do I have to behave like I have a boyfriend the entire time, while my boyfriend doesn’t?”  
Mandy stood up and shrugged, “You were the one stupid enough to fall in love with my brother.”  
“Well, if he keeps it up, who knows for how long I will still be in love with him.”, Ian stated coldly and went inside.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two days later, Ian asked Mickey for a meeting at the building. When he got there, Mickey was sitting on the mattress, he had a black eye, some cuts on his cheek and a bandage around his right biceps. Ian didn’t even have room in his head to worry about Mickey’s condition, he was still furious.

He leaned against a wall across from Mickey.  
“So, you got into a fight instead of coming to my party. Great.”  
Mickey looked up at him with furrowed brows.  
“My graduation party, you remember? You promised to come, but you didn’t.”

Mickey slowly stood up from the mattress and walked over, Ian noticed he had a small limp on the left.

“I was there”, Mickey said when he was closer to him, “And I heard what you said.”  
“And what did I say?”  
“You called me a pussy.”, and Mickey sounded at least as angry as Ian was feeling, “And you said, you wanted to cheat on me.”

Ian shrugged, “Well, I didn’t cheat on you, but you’re still behaving like a fucking coward, look at that”  
And Ian instinctively knew, Mickey wanted to hit him right now for saying this. But he didn’t.

“It’s your own fucking fault. You always with your hand-holding and kissing in public. I told you, we can’t do that.”  
“And I’m sick of not being able to do that.”, Ian growled, “Fucking sick of it.”

Mickey shook his head and limbed away from him, he took a beer bottle from the ground and took a gulp, Ian followed him.  
“Look at you! Running away from me like a fucking scared little animal! Where is the big scary Milkovich you warned me about, huh? ‘Uh, Ian, we can’t be together because I will beat the living shit out of you’ – Bullshit! You’re a fucking cry-baby who’s afraid of his dad!”

Suddenly, Mickey hurled the beer bottle through the room, until it crashed against a wall, leaving a stain and shooting tiny shards all over the floor.  
“Shut the fuck up! The fuck do you know, huh? You little pampered child! Your mom slit her wrists over your thanksgiving dinner and you think your life is harder than anyone else’s! If I’d be your mother I’d do the fucking same if I had to deal with 6 versions of you!”

Ian ran over to him and pushed him so hard, he tripped and fell down on the mattress behind him.  
“Who do you think you are that you can talk about my mother like this, you fucking asshole?”  
“So you can say whatever you want to and I can’t? You can call me whatever you want, be upset about whatever you want and I’m always the one who has to apologise for every fucking thing? Fuck you!”

“How the fuck is that the same? My mom’s sick, your dad is just an asshole!”  
“Yeah, boo-hoo, my dad would kill me, while your mom would kill herself – so how do you have it worse than me, huh?”  
“I didn’t say I have it worse than you! But you’re letting your dad control you while you’re acting so fucking tough the whole time!”

“I don’t know about you but beating some random fuckface up and fighting my dad are two entirely different things, Ian!”  
“Well, maybe, but I’m fucking tired of this! I want a normal relationship, I want to kiss my boyfriend whenever I want to, I at least want to touch you when we’re walking around somewhere, I want to go on dates and not hide in this dump the entire time!”

Mickey was throwing another bottle around and stood up.  
“That’s all you can do, huh? Making this place even more miserable!”, Ian spat.  
Both knew they were each close to saying something they wouldn’t be able to take back and that might nuke this entire relationship.

Mickey didn’t want that. But Mickey also didn’t have the capacity to deal with Ian right now, to listen to his screams, to his insults and accusations without reacting in destructive and violent ways. So Mickey did the only thing he was still capable of doing – he removed himself from the situation. He left everything he had brought with him where it was and limbed towards the exit.

“Yeah, sure, run the fuck away! God forbid you ever deal with a problem like a normal human being!”, Ian screamed after him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A week passed, Mickey didn’t show up at the store or answered any of Ian’s texts – even when Ian apologised for some of the things he said. Mickey came back to the place to get the thing she had left here the other day. With him, he had a gas can.

Ian called this place, _their place_ , a dump? Miserable? Okay, fine, then it could very well just go up in fucking flames! Without this place, Mickey wouldn’t be in love with that godforsaken idiot and wouldn’t have to deal with all of this mess.

The Milkovich took his things, stuffed the remaining beer and weed into his backpack and then started to pour the gasoline all over the mattress and the floor all the way to the doorway. He threw the canister inside as well and pulled some matches out of his jacket.

He lit the match when he heard a yell from a few feet away.  
“What the fuck are you doing?”  
Mickey turned around and saw Ian running the way down to the building. Fucking Ian Gallagher, who always had to ruin everything! Why couldn’t he just be happy for once? He ruined their non-committed relationship with his fucking feelings, and then he ruined their relationship with his fucking demands, and now he even ruined this place for him! It used to be Mickey’s and Sandy’s hiding place, it used to be his safe haven from home – and Ian ruined it with his fucking screaming and accusations and memories!

Full of rage, he lit another three matches at once and threw them into the building through a window, into the gasoline, which immediately went up in flames. Mickey crouched down under the window and then quickly went away from it.

Ian reached him now, he was panting heavily, he put his hands on his knees and needed a few seconds until he regained his breath so much, he could talk to him. He could see the flames burning high, climbing out of the window, burning down all of the traces they had left inside, the mattress, Ian’s pillow… all gone.

“What have you done?”, he whispered shocked.  
“Nothing you haven’t done already.”, Mickey answered emotionlessly, then he lit a cigarette and started to walk away, Ian went after him, wondering if he should call the fire department about this.

“Could you fucking stop for a second?”, Ian yelled at him, “What is this all about, huh? Are you really this fucking dramatic now, that you burn things just because we’re fighting?”  
Mickey stopped so abruptly, that Ian almost ran into him, he turned around, “You call this _just_ fighting?”, he yelled at him.

Ian took a step back form and bit his lip, “I apologised for-“  
“Oh, fuck off! You can shove your apologies up your freckled virgin ass! You’re apologising for one thing and then you’re doing it over and over again! I can’t even come to your party, because I gotta assume that you out me in front of everyone! And in response, you threat to cheat on me! Mandy was right by the way, if you’d cheat on me, I’d have no qualms to beat the living shit out of you!”

“I didn’t cheat on you, I just said that because I was angry!”  
“Great, but now I gotta fear that you consider cheating on me every time I’m not at one of your dumb parties!”  
Ian shook his head, “Can’t you fucking understand that I’m angry? Can’t you understand that I hate this hiding game of yours?”  
“Can’t you understand that possible death isn’t exactly a fucking great perspective for me?”

“Possible death”, Ian spat, “You’re twenty fucking years old! You’re turning 21 in 13 fucking days! How about you grow the fuck up for a change? If you really loved me, you’d stand by me and fight your dad!”

Mickey’s eye was twitching and he clenched his fist, “If I really loved you?”, he repeated.  
A thought shot through Ian’s head, that this might have been the thing that Ian wouldn’t be able to make up for again… that would ruin this entirely.  
“So I don’t love you just because I don’t want my dad to try to kill me? And what feelings are you displaying with that, huh? Is your way of showing your undying love for me trying to get me beaten up? If your version of love is ‘go get your head beaten in by your dad’ then, thanks, I don’t fucking want it.”, he said while staring into Ian’s eyes.

Ian bit his lip hard, “Fine”, he choked out eventually, “Maybe this is not making any sense anymore at all then, huh? I don’t want it to be like this forever and you don’t want to change it. So why are we still doing this?”

Mickey breathed out of his nose and looked at him with something that Ian could only classify as disgust, “You’re breaking up with me, because I don’t want to risk both of our lives for this? That’s some great love you got there, Ian”, he said coldly and then turned away from him again and left their place.

Ian looked after him and when he rounded a corner and Ian couldn’t see him anymore, he sank to the ground and started to cry. Mickey could have just beaten him up as well, it would hurt the same, Ian was sure. When he called somewhat down, he went back to the building, his face still red and damp, he checked if there were any traces of them around the building and then called the fire department before leaving the place as well.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Exactly 13 days have passed since their place went up in flames and with it their relationship. Ian wasn’t exactly sure if they were actually broken up or not, he just knew, that Mickey had quit his job at the store and refused to talk to him (or Mandy for that matter).

It was Mickey’s 21st birthday. Ian had saved it in his calendar on his phone under “❤️🖤 B-Day” but he didn’t text him yet, he wasn’t sure whether he would text him at all during the day. He had no idea where they were standing right now.

If Ian knew anything, it was that he was in love with Mickey. And especially now, when their relationship was about to collapse, he realized how much he loved him. This wasn’t some random teenage love, it was much more. He wanted to be out in the open with Mickey because he wanted to spend his life, or at least the next few years with him. He wanted to move in with him and do stuff together all the time, get take out and cuddle up together when it was cold outside. Yes, it sounded stupid and cheesy and way too early to think like that, but it was what he wanted right now. In a few months, he would be 19 and he would probably have a real job at that point or at least be apprenticing in something. He wanted to spend these years of early adulthood and beyond with Mickey.

But did Mickey want the same? Or even something close to this? Would such a life be even possible with Mickey? Ian had no idea and he also had no way of getting answers, Mickey avoided him and he knew every conversation would end in a fight anyway.

Would it be possible? Living with Mickey like that? Having an adult relationship with him? It wouldn’t be possible as long as Mickey only concentrated on keeping them hidden. He had to know where Mickey was standing in the whole matter. But he wouldn’t confront him today… it was his birthday, he couldn’t make that about himself.

Ian sat at the kitchen table lost in thought while staring at a picture of him and Mickey on his phone. Getting Mickey to make some selfies with him was hard work, but the pictures were worth it. One of his favourites showed Mickey lying on Ian’s chest, Mickey was holding the camera and continued to mess up the selfies by sticking his tongue out and making weird faces, which made Ian laugh uncontrollably.

Fiona was ruffling through the kitchen, making frustrated for five minutes now.  
Ian sighed deeply and looked at her, “Can I help you?”  
“Do you know what happened to the squirrel fund?”  
Ian sat up straight, “Is it gone again?”  
“No, but I swear at least 200 bugs are missing. Any idea?”  
Ian shook his head, “Wasn’t me. No one told me anything… Frank, right?”  
Fiona sighed too, “Yeah, probably, great”, she rolled her eyes, “Okay, I guess he’s at the Alibi, you coming with me?”

Ian bit his bottom lip.  
“Ian, hello? I could need some support here.”  
“Mickey is celebrating his birthday at the Alibi today”, Ian mumbled.  
Fiona groaned, “I told you from the beginning, dating that Milkovich boy isn’t a good idea. But you never listen to me. Just come with me and ignore Mickey. We need that money back.”  
Ian hesitantly got up and left the house with his sister. He thought, maybe Mickey wasn’t there yet.

Of course, Ian could never be that lucky. The Alibi was filled with generations of Milkoviches. Frank was sitting at the bar drinking and talking loudly with Terry. Terry Milkovich, the reason his relationship with Mickey went to shit. Ian clenched his jaw when he saw the old, big man. No, he wouldn’t fight him either. He looked fucking scary, Ian had almost forgotten how scary he was.

He followed Fiona over to their father. Terry was talking at the moment.  
“I got a whore for the boy’s birthday today”, Terry roared, “He gon’ be able to do everything he wants with her tonight, I pay. Dare someone say I’m a bad dad”, he laughed loudly.  
“Really, now that’s funny, I thought your boy wasn’t into that kind”, Frank answered.  
“What kind?”  
“Brunettes”, and they both laughed.

Ian only listened with half-heartedly when Fiona confronted Frank about the money, his eyes were searching the room for Mickey. He found him sitting in a booth, a brunette prostitute sat next to him, one fishnet-clad leg over Mickey’s legs, her hand on his face, talking seductively into his ear. Mickey looked more than uncomfortable when she wasn’t looking, but then forced a smile towards her before taking a shot.

Seeing this, Ian abandoned his sister and pushed through the crowd of drunk Milkoviches to his copy. He felt jealousy coming up in him. Why was this whore allowed to touch him in public but he, his boyfriend, wasn’t? Because Terry gave her money, okay, he could take money from Terry too, if that would make it okay! This little bitch couldn’t get more appreciation in public than Ian! No way.

He needed to know where they, and especially where Mickey, was standing right now.  
He stopped in front of Mickey, who looked up at him surprised.  
“Ian, the fuck are you doing here?”  
“Fiona needed to talk to Frank”, he looked angrily at the girl who ran her finger across Mickey’s cheek and was saying something about “sexy man” in her heavy accent, Mickey swatted her hand away like a fly, “Come over here, I need to talk to you”  
“Now?”  
“Yeah, fucking now”, Ian hissed and went to the back of the bar, through a door so they stood by the staircase to the upstairs apartment. Mickey followed him, hoping no one would notice them leaving together.

“So? Are you gonna say ‘Happy Birthday’?”  
“Happy Birthday”  
“Thanks. Is that it? I have a drink to drink”, he said and wanted to turn around, but Ian grabbed his shoulder.  
“No, that’s not it.”  
Mickey sighed and turned around to him, “Whatever you want to do, do you really think here and today is the right moment? I don’t insist on a face-to-face breakup, just send me a text”, he said and refused to look at him.

“So that’s it?”, Ian asked and crossed his arms in front of his chest, “We’re over?”  
Mickey only looked at him, not saying or doing anything.  
Ian shook his head, “Do you even still want this relationship?”  
Mickey pressed his lips together “Of course I do”, he stated, “You don’t.”  
“Yes, I do, that’s what this whole thing is about, Mickey”, Ian hissed, “But I’m done waiting for you and now you’re making out with this girl in front of everyone while I don’t even get to hold your hand?”  
“I wasn’t making out with her, she’s my father’s birthday present, don’t you think refusing her is gonna raise some questions, I don’t want to answer?”

“Then fucking answer them”, Ian said sternly, then he sighed, “You know what? I’m done with this. I’m gonna tell you what I want out of this relationship now Mickey. I want to kiss you in front of people, I wanna hold your hand, I don’t want to be denied towards everyone. I want us to be together, I want us to move together and live together like a normal fucking couple. So if that’s impossible, tell me now.”

Mickey looked up at him with sad eyes, he parted his lips to say something, but then closed them again and said nothing at all.  
“Okay”, Ian nodded, “Then I know where you’re standing. Then we’re done. Forever. Got it? Forever. I leave this bar and I leave you and we’re never gonna talk again and you can go marry some whore and play straight all your life. I’ll find someone to love me.”, Ian said and pushed past Mickey.

Mickey followed him into the main room of the bar again and watched Ian walk back to his sister, who was yelling at Frank.

“It’s better this way”, Mickey thought. He had told himself this lie over and over again during the last 13 days.

“It’s better for him anyway. It’s better to be away from me. So far our relationship was great, but who can guarantee that it would stay this way? It’s better he’s leaving now before I hurt him before I beat him and put him into a hospital a dozen times.”, he thought and Franks started to give Fiona back whatever he had stolen.

“I’m not good enough for him either way, I never could be. He wants a future, he wants to move in with someone. Maybe he even wants to get married, have children and all that stuff I never could give to him anyways. Could I? It sounds so fucking nice, Ian’s tiny future vision for us, what he wants our relationship to be… I would love to give it to him. Ian deserves every ounce of happiness in the world. But Milkoviches aren’t exactly known to make people happy. I didn’t make him happy for long even though I tried my hardest. Every day I tried and tried to be the best boyfriend in the world for him, I did everything I could.”, Ian and Fiona started to go in the direction of the door now.

“I will never see him again, never talk to him again, never touch him again, never hear ‘I love you’ again, never feel his soft skin and his warm hands again, never be called ‘my’ by him again. Never. It is over.”, Mickey felt like someone had boxed him into the stomach, his mouth was dry and he felt like he was about to cry, “None of these things, ever again. And I will never find someone like him again, while he will have no problem to find someone to love him, who is good for him. Better than me. Who will fight. He deserves someone who fights for this. How could I ever be worthy of him anyways, if I’m not ready to go the extra mile here and fight for this? Fight… my dad.”, Mickey bit his lip hard when another thought crossed his mind which sealed the deal, “Life without Ian forever or death – what’s the big difference. And if I survive this somehow, I at least have a chance to get Ian back.”

Fiona opened the door when Mickey hit the bar with his hand and yelled over the crowd, “Hey! Can I get everybody’s attention, please? Go something to say.”

The music was turned off and every single person in the bar looked at him. A giant crowd of Milkoviches and Mickey had no idea what they thought about gays. If he would have to fight his dad and his uncles, he was definitely dead. He looked at Ian by the door, who looked at him confused. “Well, here goes nothing”, he thought to himself and kept his eyes on Ian.

“I just want everybody here to know, I’m fucking gay”, he said loudly and swallowed hard, Sandy, who sat near the door as well, and Ian had about the same look of surprise on their faces, “Just thought, everybody should know that. You happy now?”

Mickey bit his bottom lip hard while waiting for a reaction, any reaction, from his family. Ian looked around the room, apparently also waiting for someone to shoot at him or something.

But nothing, the music resumed, some of the uncles shrugged, the rest generally just went back to their conversations – Mickey looked confused around the room until his eyes landed on his father.

Terry’s face was red with anger. It was only a question of time, until- Suddenly Terry jumped from his stool, pushed his way through the crowd while throwing a table out of his way and yelling “I’ll fucking kill you!”

Mickey stared at him with wide eyes, frozen with fear. But the rest of his family barely reacted, while Terry was shit-faced drunk. Maybe he could take him.

When Terry raised his fist with a roar to punch Mickey, Mickey landed the first hit in his father’s face. Terry grabbed the front of Mickey’s shirt and brought his fist down on his face twice, which had Mickey stumbling backwards, Terry shoved him, so Mickey crashed into a table, he saw an almost empty bottle standing there, quickly grabbed it and crashed it over Terry’s head.

“Ow, fucker!”, Terry roared, took the front of his shirt, lifted Mickey from the ground and hurled him to the ground. Mickey landed on his back and quickly tried to roll to his side to get up and leave, but Terry was quicker, he punched him in the face repeatedly “You piece of shit!”, he screamed in the meanwhile, Mickey was sure he broke half a tooth by now while hitting his head against the floor.

Ian suddenly appeared behind him, he pulled Terry down from him, “I wanted to do this forever”, he growled and headbutted Terry, then punched him in the face. One of Mickey uncles attacked Ian by throwing a chair at him. Ian let go of Terry, turned around and went after the uncle. Sandy in the meanwhile came to Mickey’s aid, hit another bottle over his head, and shoved him away from Mickey, she quickly helped her cousin stand back up, and he could land a punch again before Terry could.

Fiona, who was watching the whole thing go down from the door, had called the cops a few minutes ago. Soon they came into the bar and three men were needed to get Terry away from Mickey.

Sandy, Mickey and Terry were dragged out of the bar, Terry was kicking and screaming at Mickey. With this fight, Terry broke probation, so he would go back to the can now and Mickey was very aware of that, which made a grin appear on his blood-covered face.  
“I’ll kill you, fucking faggot!”, Terry was yelling, “Wait until I get to you, no son of mine is gonna be a fucking AIDS-monkey! Get out of my house! Pole-smoking queer!”, he continued to kick in Mickey’s direction while the two cops pushed him against their car, while another one pushed Mickey against another car.

“Fuck you!”, Mickey screamed back at him, “You’re gonna be in the can, bitch! Guess what Ian and I are gonna do at your house, we’ll be fucking!”, he slammed his hips against the cop car, “And I take it, he gives it to me good and hard and I fucking love it!”

Terry almost escaped the two cops that tried to get him into handcuffs and lunged for Mickey, but he was dragged off again by another one.  
“Fuck you! I suck his dick, I fucking love it!”, Mickey yelled at him and terry was finally forced into the car and they closed the door.

Ian came out of the bar as well, apparently looking for him.  
“Hey, freckles”, Mickey shouted and Ian turned to him.  
‘Freckles’ he said, it made Ian smile immediately, it’s been a while since he had addressed him like this, he knew, it meant, everything was gonna be okay between them. Ian ran over to him but was held back a few feet away from him.

“I’m still fucking pissed off”, Mickey shouted, “You better pick me up from the station tomorrow and take me out for lunch!”  
Ian grinned and nodded, Mickey smiled back at him and let the cop push him into the police car.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The next day was warm and sunny – it seemed like a bright new beginning. Ian walked the way up to the station, where they were holding Mickey. They weren’t pressing charges against him, just had him sober up and spend the night in a holding cell.

Ian was even whistling on his way, he couldn’t remember the last he had been this happy. Mickey was out, Terry was gone (for now), they could be a real couple now, everything would work out, right?

Ian waited in front of the station for Mickey.  
“Right on time, Gallagher”, Mickey said when he got out. Ian smiled at him.  
“Hey, Mick. Still mad at me.”  
“Did I get lunch, yet?”

Ian chuckled and came to him, so they stood directly across from each other. He gently touched the dark bruise around Mickey’s eye.  
“Tss, Bitch, it hurts”, Mickey said and leaned his head away.  
“Just making sure you’re not dead.”  
“Joking about it won’t make me not mad at you anymore, you know”

Ian smiled, “Are you okay apart from the bruises?”  
Mickey shrugged, “Broke half a fucking tooth, bruised ribs, this finger is broken”, he showed up his hand which was bandaged carelessly, “But the rest is just bruises, cuts and a concussion. You seem okay”  
Ian nodded, “Well, let’s go, get you something to eat”  
“Can I go home and change my clothes first?”, Mickey was still wearing his blood-stained clothes from the day before.

“Sure”, Ian said and took Mickey’s hand in his, Mickey flinched away, Ian tried not to sigh out loud.  
Mickey looked up and down the streets, “It’s just… give it some time, yeah? Also, do you know what kind of assholes walk around at police stations?”, Mickey said while he started walking towards home. Ian could accept this, for now, he had pressured Mickey enough for one week, he decided.

“You know”, Mickey said when they were about halfway home, “I want you to move in with me.”  
Ian stopped surprised, Mickey stopped too and looked at him confused.  
“Move in with you?”  
“Yeah… I mean, you said you want that, right, moving in together? And really, your house is so fucking crowded, mine is practically empty, half of my brothers are in prison, dad is in prison, we have our own room with a real bed and all that.”, he shrugged, “So, what do you think?”

Ian couldn’t stop himself at that, he leapt forward and hugged him fiercely, then kissed him shortly on the lips. Mickey chuckled, but still pushed him away softly, but Ian didn’t even mind at this point, he at least had let him finish the kiss before pushing him away.  
“I’ll take that as a yes, then”, Mickey grinned.

“Faggots”, someone suddenly spat while walking past them. Mickey growled lowly, pushed Ian out of the way and then pounced at the man who just said the slur, he pulled him back on his shirt and pushed him against a car that was parked next to them.  
“What was that?”

The man looked up at him out of big eyes, he obviously didn’t expect the ‘faggot’ to be an aggressive, strong man with blood all over his clothes.  
Ian came to them and gently put his hands on Mickey’s shoulders, “Stay calm, you just got out of the police station, we don’t want you to get back in”, he said pulled Mickey away, the other man sighed relieved, but as soon as Mickey was side-lined and looked at his boyfriend with crossed arms, Ian turned back around, punched the man across the face and kneed him in the balls. “I, on the other hand, got a clean record, and if I see you again, I’ll turn you into mashed potatoes”, he said to him and then kept walking towards the Milkovich house with his boyfriend.

“See”, he said, “Even if they make stupid comments, it’s not like we can’t handle them. Especially you, scary Mickey Milkovich”  
Mickey looked at him and sighed defeatedly, he reached his hand out to him. Ian smiled like a little kid at Christmas Morning and took Mickey’s hand, holding it nervously, he was prepared for Mickey pulling away again. He started counting the seconds he got to hold his hand again, last time he had only reached four.

Mickey looked around nervously the entire way to his house, just waiting for another person to yell at them, to beat them up or to shoot them out of their houses or cars, but he didn’t pull away. He held his hand all the way to the Milkovich house.

When they got in, Ian pulled Mickey to him and finally kissed him properly again. They were, however, interrupted again, by someone clearing their throat in the living room, mickey quickly pulled away and stared into the room. He sighed relieved when he noticed it was only Mandy and Lip. Just that Mandy was sitting on Lip, both naked, the blond Gallagher had pulled a blanket over both of them and stared at him anxiously.

“Mandy, seriously? On the couch?”, Mickey asked. Mandy only rolled her eyes.  
“Why couldn’t they keep you at the prison a while longer?”  
“I annoyed them so much, they let me go. Why can’t you do this at his house?”  
“Hey, could you maybe finish this conversation when we’re not in the middle of having sex?”, Lip asked sternly.

Mickey threw his hands in the air and went into his room.  
“Ian, hey”, Mandy grinned, “Lip and I are back together”  
“Really? That’s great, mandy. Hey guess what, on the way here-“  
“For fuck’s sake, Ian, I don’t want you this close when I’m having sex, please leave!”, Lip demanded.  
“Shht, Lip, in a minute. What happened on the way here?”, Mandy asked excitedly.  
“Mickey asked me to move in. Here, with him.”  
“Mandy, I swear, if you hug him now, I’m not gonna get it up for hours anymore. That’s like, borderline incest.”

Mickey came back out of his room, now in new clothes, he quickly made a detour to the bathroom, brushed his teeth in record time and brushed through his hair, before grabbing his boyfriend and leaving the house again to have their little lunch date.


	6. 48 hours

Mickey and Ian lived in the Milkovich house happily for two years. Ian was an EMT and Mickey got a job in a security company, that provided private companies, buildings with different firms and whatnot and also stores with security. They were actually able to save some money, they went on lunch dates when Mickey was working near Ian’s station, they sometimes met with Ian’s siblings for a Gallagher dinner.

All in all, it was pretty fantastic, they barely had any fights. After stressful days, they calmed each other down, they often cooked together and made out in the kitchen. Mandy and Lip weren’t as lucky. They broke up a while ago again and Mandy was now with someone new, Zach. She and Lip hooked up from time to time though, when Lip needed to blow off some steam – Mandy was still deeply in love with him. She only dated Zach to make Lip jealous (which didn’t work at all) 

Those two years of heaven ended abruptly when Mickey’s uncle Ronnie’s meth lab exploded and their house burned down. Ronnie and his family, among them his daughter Sandy, took over Terry’s house and Ian and Mickey decided to leave before this house would burn down too.

Around the same time, Zach got a new job in another state and he wanted Mandy to move with him. Ian and Mickey pleaded with her to stay here, but Mandy wanted to get away from Lip, so she left with Zach.

Zach didn’t sit right with any of them. He seemed off… he seemed weirdly obsessive and controlling of Mandy’s behaviour and where she was going. None of Mickey’s threats ( or his brothers’ threats) seemed to phase him all too much. Mickey didn’t trust him with his sister and would have locked her in the basement to keep her from leaving with the man – but Mandy wanted to leave, so she left and there was nothing they could do.

Ian and Mickey now moved into the Gallagher house. Lip was at College and Frank lived at Sheila’s, so Ian and Mickey had a tiny room for themselves. Fiona slept one room down, Debbie had her own room and Carl and Liam had to share the old boys’ room. There was no plan whatsoever where Lip would sleep when he would come back from College for a weekend or the semester break.

The house was a fucking nightmare. Fiona was constantly annoyed with everyone and everything and was nagging throughout the day, Carl was just back from Juvie, walking around only talking in Slang and acting like he was a black kid in the weirdest and also most offensive way possible, Debbie was a teenager with capital T. If Fiona wasn’t screaming, Debbie was, or they both screamed at each other. She was always in a bad mood, started dressing like 16-year-old and hung out with those two shady friends of hers, one pregnant, one with three different STDs.

This also affected Mickey and Ian, who were both working a full-time job, there was no calming down, when they got to be alone at the end of the day, they were both so stressed out that they only ended up letting it out on each other.

Five out of eleven weeks they had lived at the Gallagher house now, they had spent either yelling at each other or not talking at all.

Ian sat on Mickey’s side of the bed, stroking softly over the pillow, deep in thought, when Mickey came in and shut the door. He changed into his pyjama pants and a shirt wordlessly. It was pretty easy to see whether Mickey was angry or not. When he was okay, he always insisted on wearing Ian’s shirt at night, when he was angry, he would wear his own shirts.  
“Still angry wi-“  
“Yes, I’m still angry with you”, Mickey growled.

They had a stupid fight earlier because Ian got home a little bit late (two hours because he was venting to a co-worker) and Mickey had to deal with Ian’s siblings on his own (Fiona had some late shift at the diner) and had to make dinner for the lot on his own and help Liam with his homework and so on.

Ian sighed, “Mickey, we need to talk.”   
“I don’t want to talk, I’m tired.”, Mickey growled, “You’re sitting on my side of the bed, get up, I want to sleep.”  
“No, Mickey, listen to me”, he patted the blanket next to him so Mickey would sit down, but he didn’t, “We need to talk, this is important.”  
“You always with your fucking conversations, leave me alone, okay? I had a really fucking hard day at work.”

Ian stayed where he was and he crossed his arms in front of his chest.  
“Ian, now, come on, please, we can talk tomorrow, if it’s so fucking important, let me fucking sleep.”, he started pulling on Ian’s arm so he would get up from his side of the bed. Ian stood up, looked at him and said with a firm voice:  
“Mickey, we need a break.”

Mickey stopped mid-movement of getting into bed, he stood back up and looked at him, “A what?”  
“A break.”, he repeated.  
“A break from what?”  
“Each other.”

Mickey’s eyebrows wandered up into his hairline, “Are you dumping me?”, he exclaimed, “Are you seriously dumping me right now?”  
“No, no, Mickey, I said _break_ ”, Ian emphasised.  
“Break up?”  
“No. No”, he said as if he was talking to a dog, who was about to do something wrong, “I do not want to break up.”

Ian sat down on the bed again and sighed, he asked Mickey to sit down again, but Mickey kept standing and looking down at him irritated.  
“We need a break”, Ian said calmly, “I mean, we’re just fucking fighting for five weeks on end in case you didn’t notice.”  
“I noticed. I was there, you were annoying.”  
“See, this is exactly what I mean. Five weeks, we can’t go on like this.”

“We wouldn’t have to go on like this if you would let me sleep.”  
“Mickey, concentrate. This is serious. We’re two adults in a relationship, could we act like that for two minutes?”  
“Oh, are we in a relationship, still? I don’t know, you just said you want a break.”  
“We would still be in a relationship, just… on hold.”  
“On hold? Are we a fucking phone call?", he raised his voice only so high the siblings wouldn’t wake up.

Ian sighed deeply again, “I can’t have this conversation with you when you’re this fucking angry.”  
“Then you should let me go to sleep.”  
“But you’re not gonna be less angry then, so when are we gonna have this conversation? Because the word ‘break’ apparently sets off all alarm bells in your head.”  
“Yeah, it does, my boyfriend just basically told me he wants to fuck other people.”

“Mickey, no, this is not what this is about.”  
“Oh, isn’t it?”, he asked sarcastically, “You want a break from our relationship. You want to fuck other people. You want to be with other people. Anything else would be just banning me to the couch, no you want a _break_ so you can fuck other people. While I’m sitting at home here helping your brother with his homework.”

“Mick”, Ian reached for Mickey’s hand and finally pulled him on the bed, so he sat next to him. He gently ran his thumb over Mickey’s cheek, who just shook leaned his head away from him annoyed.  
“You want to fuck other people, other men”, Mickey insisted.  
“Mickey, this is not what we’re talking about.”, he said calmly, “We are having a problem.”  
“We’re not having a problem”, Mickey said and looked at him properly, “Come on, this is just, this is fucking normal – you’re working the whole time, I’m working the whole time, we’re living in a fucking tiny space with like 800 people – of course we’re fucking stressed out and setting each other off all the time… Fucking other people won’t solve that.”

“I said, it’s not about fucking other people, Mickey, are you even listening?”  
“Yes, I am listening. I listened when I asked you if you want to fuck other people and you didn’t answer.”  
“Yeah, but I didn’t say I want to fuck other people.”  
“You didn’t say that don’t want to fuck other people. And that kinda has more weight, you know?”

Ian sighed, looked into Mickey's eyes and said: “Mickey Milkovich, I do not want to fuck other people.”  
“Why a break then? Hm? If you don’t want to fuck them? Just test the waters, is there someone else? Did you meet someone? Huh? Is it – Is it that firefighter?”, Mickey said while slowly getting up from the bed, “If it is that firefighter, Ian, I swear-“  
“It’s _not_ the firefighter. It’s no one, there is _no one_ , Mickey”, he pulled him down to him again and looked at him softly, he ran his hand through Mickey’s black hair.

“It’s just… listen, okay? I know that it’s because of work, and that we’re having a lot of stress and that our living situation isn’t ideal and that’s why I said _break_ , okay? It’s not that I want to be with other men, it’s just… I need to be without… you.”, he finished his sentence and bit his bottom lip.

Mickey ripped his hand away from him.  
“You need to be without me?”, he repeated, “Ian, that is a break-up. That’s literally the definition of a break-up.”  
“It’s not, it’s really not. You know, other couples are away from each other a few days all the time, because they’re travelling or they’re meeting with friends and stuff and we can’t do that because we’re both working all the time and, well, you don’t really have a social life, I don’t really have a social life – we’re around each other and my family the entire time, so yeah, I know that’s the reason we’re fighting and that’s the reason I _need_ 48 hours away from you.”, he explained.

Mickey didn’t say anything, he sat there with crossed arms, looking away from him.  
“It’s not about you, it’s just about not having this situation anymore, for just 48 hours. Then I’m back and we’ll be fine.”  
Mickey looked at him again doubtfully, “I’m sorry, are you trying to use probably fucking other men as a cure to our relationship problems?.”

“Mickey, I will not fuck other people, I just said that.”, Ian was getting tired of this, with no fibre of his being did he crave touching and fucking anyone else than Mickey, the thought didn’t even cross his mind.

“Oh, you will not, no, huh, what will you be doing then during this relationship break? Hm? In the next 48 hours? During which you don’t work, by the way, I know your schedule.”  
“I didn’t say that it has to be for the next 48 hours.”  
“You wouldn’t start this conversation with me at fucking half past 10 if it wouldn’t be the next 48 hours. So, how do you wanna do that? Being away from me for 48 hours? Where am I suppose to go? Do you want to kick me back to my dad’s house where I have to share a bed with the cousin that always shows his dick to the kids at the playground? Fucking sleep under the L or what? Or do you want to leave? Do you want to leave to some dude that you know from work, hm? _Just a friend_ and then you get, you get _drunk_ and then _accidentally_ something happens and I’m not allowed to be angry because it was while we were on a _break_ and – ugh”, he was visibly upset and clenched his fists in anger.

Ian gently cupped his cheeks, “Mick, calm down”, he mumbled and kissed his forehead, “Mickey, I will absolutely not have sex with someone. I promise. You don’t need to worry about that, I only want you”, he said and leaned their foreheads together, “It’s not about having sex with anyone.”

Something about how Ian said this rubbed Mickey the wrong way, “It’s not about having sex with them? But it is about other people, isn’t it?”, he leaned his head back to look at him, “What is it, Ian?... I mean, we didn’t have sex in three weeks… which is like a new record for us. You didn’t have sex with me for three weeks and now you want a break… and I’m supposed to believe that it’s not about other people?”

Ian took his hands from Mickey’s face and bit his nails, “I mean”, he mumbled, “Maybe-“  
“You have someone else”, Mickey stated and Ian looked at him again looking at him sincerely.  
“I do not have someone else.” _  
_ “Who is it?”, Mickey insisted, “Ian, _who_ is it?”  
“Mickey, I’m not cheating on you, okay. I don’t have somebody else, there is no one. I love you. You know that? You know that, right?”  
Mickey shrugged, “I guess.” 

“It’s just”, Ian took a deep breath, “I want to be away from you for 48 hours and I want to go to the clubs.”  
“To the clubs?”, Mickey repeated, he scooted away from him, “To the, uhm – you don’t want to break up with me and you do not want to fuck other people, but you want to go where all the single dudes are thirsting over you and try to suck you off in the bathroom.”

“Yes, exactly.”, he looked at his hands in his lap, “I… I want to feel _wanted_ again, okay? Just two evenings. I want some semi-attractive dude or some old viagroid with money to look at me and to find me hot and sexy and want me to raw them the whole fucking night. I want them to flirt with me and buy me drinks and just… make me feel like I’m the hottest person at the club again. I _miss_ that. Okay?... I just miss feeling like that, lately… being wanted.”

“I want you”, Mickey insisted, “You didn’t have sex with me the last three weeks, that’s not my fault.”  
“Well, I wasn’t exactly in the mood”  
“Not in the mood”  
“Yes, Mickey. We are constantly fighting and then you’re lying in bed and you’re just growling ‘you up for angry sex’ – and no I’m not in the mood for that!”  
Mickey crossed his arms and looked away from him.

Ian scooted closer and stroked his thumb along Mickey’s cheekbone.  
“Listen, I will sleep at a female colleague's house, who only has a lesbian roommate, I will not sleep with anyone, I will not kiss anyone, I won’t let anyone else touch me. I just want this break, I want 48 hours to just… go there and be a part of it again. You know that I love you and you know, I want this relationship to work more than anything. And this relationship can only work, if we manage to be apart from each other for two days, stop fighting and if you trust me that I will be faithful in every way. You also know that I’m 100% for Monogamy. I will be faithful to you, always, also in the next 48 hours. I just… want to have a few boys thirsting over me.”

Mickey sighed and looked at Ian for a minute while gnawing on his bottom lip.  
“Okay”, he said.  
“Okay?”, Ian asked surprised.  
“Yeah. Okay. You get your fucking 48 hours, go to the clubs, flirt all your teenage boy and the old moneybags. You know what, it’s 10:43 now”, he said, got out his phone and set a timer, Ian was watching him with wide eyes, “Your 48 hours start right now and you can start them, by sleeping on the couch”

Mickey pushed Ian up from the bed, took his Pillow, shoved it into Ian’s arms and pushed him to the door. Ian could only smile, even though Mickey’s shoved him around rather ungently, he gave him his own pillow on purpose because he knew he liked how Mickey smelled.

At the door, Ian stopped him, “Mickey, hey, let me kiss you goodnight, come on.”  
“No, I’m angry with you. And I will be fucking with for the next 48 hours, you can be sure of that.”  
“Yeah, I know. But then we’ll feel better, you’ll see.”  
Mickey shrugged, “I’ve never felt better while not seeing you.”  
“You felt better when you then saw me again, didn’t you?", Ian smiled.  
Mickey looked up at him, at his smile and scoffed, “Idiot”  
Ian smiled wider, “I love you, okay?”  
“Yeah”, Mickey only replied.

They stood there in silence for a minute.  
“Mick…”  
“No, I’m angry.”  
“Mickey”, Ian insisted, “You have to say it back, even when you’re angry, you know that. Those are the rules.”  
Mickey crossed his arms and looked away while muttering, “I love you too. But I’ll be fucking pissed off for the next 48 hours.”  
Ian nodded softly, he leaned down, kissed him good night, smiled sweetly and then went downstairs to sleep on the couch.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The next morning, Mickey woke up in an empty bed. He turned on his back and looked at the space next to him. This wasn’t a completely new situation, Ian was working in weird shifts, sometimes he was already gone by the time Mickey woke up or he didn’t come to bed yet and Mickey would find him downstairs, making breakfast, he would then go to bed when Mickey left for work. Mickey worked in shifts too, but they were far more regular and he had the day shift most of the time.

Mickey sighed and got up, but noticed a shirt lying on the bed over his legs, that wasn’t there before. Mickey took the shirt confused, if he wasn’t mistaken, it was the shirt Ian wore the evening before. Ian of course knew he liked to wear his shirts at night, it had something comforting. Mickey guessed, Ian came into the room early, got a few things and left.

Mickey hid the shirt under the pillow, so no one would put it into the laundry during the day. He got dressed and went into the bathroom. He got out just in time before Debbie and Carl came running down the hallway, racing for the bathroom.

Mickey ignored them and went downstairs to get his breakfast. Fiona was sitting at the table and went over the bills.  
“Have you seen Ian?”, Fiona asked.  
“What makes you think he isn’t in bed?”  
“Someone slept on the couch. Since you’re here, I guess it was him.”  
Mickey shrugged and looked for an empty bowl to make himself some cereal.

“So?”, Fiona asked.  
“So what?”, he asked annoyed.  
“Why did Ian sleep on the couch? And where is he?”  
“At a friend’s place”, Mickey shrugged and sat down at the table.  
“Trouble in paradise?”  
“Paradise is lost since we moved in here”, Mickey mumbled.  
“You don’t have to live here if it’s so awful”

A few minutes later multiple people came running down the stairs. Debbie crashed into a few things and people, because she was staring at her phone the entire time, her entire vocabulary consisted of “Ugh” and “Argh”.

“We’re 50 dollars short on rent”, Fiona said, “Mickey, do you have some left?”  
“Ian already took a hundred from me for rent.”  
Fiona looked at him. Mickey rolled his eyes and shrugged, “Yeah, yeah, I’ll give you another 50 when I get back from work”, he said.

He got up from the table after he finished his breakfast, he put on his shoes and checked the time on his phone. 39 more hours.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ian sat on Nadine’s couch, she was a co-worker, who lived in a small apartment with her ‘roommate’ in whose bed she was so ‘generous’ to sleep, but Ian was certain, Nadine hadn’t slept in her own bed in a while. Ian was texting Mandy again, she barely ever answered him anymore. Nadine sat down next to Ian on the couch with a sigh.

“So, how are you?”, she asked, they both had this and the following day off, “How did Mickey take it?”  
“After I convinced him that I don’t want to fuck other men, he didn’t take it so badly. He even gave me his pillow.”  
“And that’s important, because…?”  
Ian smiled, “He knows I like how he smells and his pillow smells like him. It’s in case I miss him.”

Nadine nodded, “Or he thought, if he gives you his pillow, you will definitely not cheat on him on the pillow that smells like your boyfriend.”  
“He couldn’t know I would actually take it with me to your place. Nah, he’s just a good boyfriend. I could never cheat on him as long as I’m of sound mind”, he grinned, “I’m just glad to be out of that house again. I never thought I’d say that, but I really miss the Milkovich house. There the most annoying roommate was the mould in the bathroom.”, he sighed, “I miss that mould.”

Nadine chuckled, “And why don’t you two move into your own apartment?”  
“We can’t afford it, well, we could, but I like to safe money for… let’s say, future events.”  
“Future events, huh?”, Nadine grinned, “Do I hear wedding bells already?”  
“Not already”, Ian shook his head, “But one day, sure. Also, I need to support my family, my younger siblings still go to school and Fiona only works a small job in a diner, if Mickey and I would move out, I’d still have to give them some money so they can cover their bills.”

Nadine looked at him confused, “How did that work when you lived in the other house?”  
Ian laughed, “Oh, we didn’t pay for that. The house belongs to Terry and the family intimidated every person imaginable, they’re not paying for shit. So, I could always slip Fiona enough money to cover the bills.”

“Sounds like a very nice family”, Nadine mumbled.  
Ian chuckled, “Mickey is different. He is like… sour candy, sort of. Like sour coke bottle gummie bears.”, he smiled, “Sour, sweet and a tiny piece of heaven.”  
Nadine laughed lightly, “And still you go away without him? Why not try a couple retreat next time?”  
“Didn’t work out with our schedules for one, also… I have my reasons to go to the club without him. And when I get back, I’ll be really fucking glad to be with him again and he’ll be happy to see me – not like the last few weeks when we always fought as soon as we laid eyes on each other.”

“You sure that’s gonna work?”  
Ian smirked, “I’ve been dating that man for basically five years, though he’s under the impressions it’s only been three. I let him believe, he’s oh so mysterious to me some times, so he can be, what he thinks is ‘sneaky’ or ‘surprising’ – but I can see right through him.”

Nadine smiled at him, “Is he able to see through you too?”  
“He asked me whether I’m gonna cheat on him a dozen times, yesterday.”, he reminded her, “So, no, he’s so fucking clueless sometimes, but it doesn’t matter. When I get to surprise him or be sneaky like he likes to be, he always gets this cute look on his face, like, he looks away and bites his lip so he doesn’t smile and he mumbles something about ‘idiot’ before eventually having to smile though – so adorable, I swear.”

Nadine laughed loudly, “You know, every time I see him, when he picks you up for lunch or something, he looks so damn scary. I mean, he looks at everyone, like he’s about to rip their throats out if they make the wrong sound.”  
Ian nodded, “It’s just how he was raised. But, yeah, he would do that if someone would call us faggots or if he would see someone flirting with me, you know Caleb the Firefighter?”

Nadine looked at him confused and shook her head.  
“At the fire department down the street works a firefighter called Caleb, tall black dude, very attractive. Think hot firefighter calendar. We met a few times over work and he always flirted with me. I told Mickey about it and, uhm”, he chuckled, “He wasn’t amused. But he didn’t do anything when I told him I didn’t flirt back and am not interested in the slightest.”  
“Hard to believe, considering how you just talked about his looks.”  
Ian rolled his eyes, “I’m faithful to my boyfriend, not castrated or blind. Anyways, Caleb kept flirting, even though I told him I have a boyfriend and am not interested, but Caleb asked me out though and once even came to the station to ask me out again when Mickey was there too to pick me up.”  
“Oh, shit, what did Mickey do.”  
Ian smirked, “I’m not a snitch. But since then Caleb didn’t dare to do so much as look at me anymore.”

Nadine looked at him with raised eyebrows, “Dude, he’s gonna land himself in prison one day and you’re gonna have to go visit him and only have sex through plexiglass.”  
“Nah, not gonna let that happen, ever. He’s been in Juvie because of me already, I’d break him out and run away to Mexico with him.”  
“So romantic”, Nadine mumbled.

Ian smiled, “So, what are you and your roommate doing tonight?”  
“Movie night”, she smiled, “Tell me before you leave later, I’ll give you a key so we don’t have to get up in the middle of the night when you get back. And remember – don’t bring home other guys, you can’t fuck someone else on your boyfriend's smelly pillow.”  
Ian chuckled but flipped her off, “I spent so much time trying to bring this man to be my boyfriend, I wouldn’t even throw this away for Tom Holland’s ass – and I mean, did you see him in that Spider suit?”, he smirked, “I should get Mickey to wear one for Halloween this year”  
“Okay”, Nadine said and got up, “That’s the point where I don’t need to know more.”  
Ian laughed, “Sure? I could tell you about that one time we fucked at the cemetery on Halloween – we almost had a threesome with a ghost”

Nadine grimaced, shuddered and left the room.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mickey came home from work in the afternoon. He just wanted to lie down and nap. Milkoviches weren’t made for 9-hour shifts and actual, legit work.

Mickey opened the door to the living room, walked towards the couch – but the couch was already occupied. Debbie lay there with a boy, making out. Mickey cleared his throat and the two teenagers sat up surprised and looked at him.

“Mickey, you’re already home?”  
“Who’s this?”  
“Uhm”, Debbie looked at the boy, “This is Derek, my boyfriend.”  
“Boyfriend”, Mickey repeated and looked down at the teenage boy, “How old are you?”  
“Uh, sixteen?”

“Well, we should go upstairs.”, Debbie said quickly and got up.  
Debbie quickly ran up the stairs and Derek stood up too, to follow her, but Mickey stretched out his arm to stop him. The boy looked at him nervously.

“I’m watching you, sixteen.”, he said and then let him go. Derek swallowed hard and hasted upstairs.

Mickey shook his head and lay down on the couch with a deep sigh.  
He could only lie here and relax for about five minutes before he was startled by someone stabbing their finger into his shoulder. Mickey opened his eyes and almost bumped his head into Liam’s, who stood next to the couch, leaning over him.

“The fuck do you want?”  
“Can you help me with my homework?”, the otherwise quiet Gallagher asked.

Mickey actually liked Liam the most out of Ian’s siblings, because he was uncomplicated and didn’t talk a lot. For him there was his freckled Gallagher, then there was Smart Gallagher, Parent Gallagher (which was Fiona, not Frank), Juvie Gallagher, TeenMom Gallagher, Drunk Gallagher and Quiet Gallagher.

“You’re in first grade, what do you need help for?”  
Liam held his homework in front of Mickey’s face, so close Mickey couldn’t see anything.  
“Yeah, alright”, Mickey sighed and sat up, Liam sat next to him and showed him what he needed help with.

“You’re lucky, I if you were in fifth grade I couldn’t help you with that shit. Next time ask Fiona though.”  
“Fi is at work”, Liam reminded him.  
“Yeah, and I just got home from work. People coming from work need to rest.”  
“You don’t have homework.”  
Mickey smirked, “Even if, I didn’t do my homework since the third grade.”

A while later, Mickey stood in the kitchen to cook dinner. The children themselves wouldn’t cook and Fiona would be home too late again, also Mickey was hungry anyway, he could very well also cook.

Eventually, Debbie got downstairs and sat down at the kitchen counter with a sigh.  
“Is sixteen gone?”  
“He has a name”  
Mickey shrugged.  
“And yes, he’s gone. Did you say something to him? He was weird after you saw us on the couch.”

Mickey shrugged, “Just said that I have an eye on him. As long as he doesn’t have bad intentions, that shouldn’t be a problem for him.”  
“Bad intensions? Derek doesn’t have bad intentions.”, Debbie crossed her arms in front of her chest.  
Mickey looked at her with raised eyebrows.  
“It’s not like he just wants to use me for sex. He loves me.”

Mickey nodded, “Sure he does.”  
“Ugh, what do you know huh?”  
“Debbie, I’m not only a guy and gay, but I also have a little sister with a terrible taste in boys. He’s a sixteen-year-old teenage boy. Don’t be foolish.”

“So? Just because he is sixteen and wants to sleep with me, doesn’t mean he doesn’t love me.”  
“That’s right. There’s also nothing wrong with sleeping with him, you’re fifteen, you can do whatever you want, and I’m the last one in this house that wants to talk about straight sex with you.”  
“You’re doing it though.”

“No, I’m just saying this: If you get pregnant and there's also a crying baby in this house among all the other crying and screaming people, I will get fucking homicidal. Also, trust me, he’s the kind of guy who’s moving across the country when he sees a positive pregnancy test.”  
“You don’t know that”, Debbie mumbled.  
“Oh, I do. So use condoms, abortions also get more and more expensive.”, he shook his head.  
“Just because you’re gay and a guy, doesn’t mean you know everything about straight couples and abortions.”

Mickey looked at her and sighed, “Who do you think went with Mandy to the abortion clinic? It’s not a fun family trip, so spare your family and yourself those problems. Get the pill or something. This house can’t get any louder, we would all go insane.”  
“You mean, you would go insane.”  
“Okay, the Milkovich would go insane, which means the Gallaher’s would go dead. Fun talk.”, He turned off the stove and leaned into the living room, “Liam, food.”

Liam turned off the TV and came running to the kitchen, where he started setting the table, while Mickey watched him with a raised eyebrow. The Gallaghers always eating together was still weird to him. Sure, he and Ian also always ate together, but they at least liked each other and didn’t nag through the entire meal.

Carl came downstairs as well and he and Debbie were grunting at each other during dinner, while Mickey stared at the time on his phone.  
29 more hours.


	7. St. Louis and the Eastcoast

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please note: The spelling mistakes in the chats I left unedited on purpose. The grammar mistakes when Ian is drunk are also on purpose.

The first day without Ian was okay since Mickey had been at work for the most time and then went to bed early. But while the timer was counting down the last 20 hours, Mickey had the day off. He didn’t exactly have hobbies or a lot of friends. His cousin Sandy was in prison yet again. It was Saturday so the rest of the siblings were at home too, which meant, Mickey had no desire to stay here as well. Mickey sat outside on the porch and texted his sister.

**8\. July**

Mandy: am at the new house now it’s really nice, no mould in the bathroom 😉

Mickey: better mould than that dude

Mickey: you can still come back

Mandy:😂

**15\. July  
**

Mandy: hows paradise ?

Mandy: got a new job at a cute café

Mandy: no ugly squirrel hats🐿

Mickey: sad, squirrel and you looked so alike🤔

Mandy: asshole don’t fucking miss you a bit

Mickey: nah but I bet you missing ian real bad

Mickey: you could still come back, lips not here, assholes at college

**3\. August**

Mickey: how are you doing?

Mickey: Ian said you didn’t answer him in days

Mickey: hes getting worried about you, lying in my ears with the whole time

Mickey: could you answer so we know you not dead? 

**4\. August**

Mandy: am okay, jeez cam down you two😒

Mandy: am gone for a month and you freak out with out me

Mickey: im not freaking out ian freaked out

Mickey: also why blame us, you left with some shady ass dude🤬

Mickey: hows the new job?

Mickey: ?

**6\. August**

Mickey: ?

**8\. August**

Mickey: ???

**9\. August**

Mickey: ???

**10\. August**

Mickey: ???

**11\. August**

Mickey: ???🤬🤬

Mandy: jeez stop annoying me😩🖕🏻

Mandy: am out of the job again

Mickey: why?

Mandy: wasn’t perfect

Mickey: you waited at some shady diner with a squirrel on your head for 2 years

Mickey: you care about perfect?

Mandy: Zach said I don’t need to work

Mandy: he can handle the bills I just stay home and cook and stuff

Mandy: its fun tho, picked up a hobby never had tiem for that shit before🧶 m sewing now 🧵

Mickey: …

Mickey: come back home Mandy I don’t like this

It was around the 20th of September now and since then Mandy hadn’t answered him anymore. She texted Ian some emoji or some ‘fine’ every once in a while but the last one was also around three weeks ago.

The door opened and small steps walked over to him and Liam said quietly down next to him.  
“Hey, what’s up?”  
“I’m bored. What are you doing?”  
“I’m trying to reach my sister.”, he mumbled, “go watch some TV or something”  
“Carl is watching something and Debbie is upstairs with her boyfriend. I think they’re having sex, I don’t want to listen to that.”, he small boy said and put his chin into his hands.

Mickey looked at his phone and then back at Liam, he stood up and sighed, “How are you feeling about a Roadtrip, huh?”  
Liam shrugged, “Okay. Can we take snacks?”  
“Yeah sure”  
“We have to buy some.”  
“Okay”, Mickey just agreed, they put their shoes on, took the car and drove off to the nearest store to buy some snacks for Liam.

“And where are we going?”, Liam asked when he sat in the back of Mickey’s car with chips and soda.  
“St. Louis”, Mickey said, “I’m just gonna text your sister, that you’re with me.”  
“How long until St. Louis?”  
“Four or five hours. We gotta be home by 10, I got something else to do tonight.”  
“Maybe we should have bought more snacks”, Liam said thoughtfully.  
“Well, if you really make it through all of that stuff, we can get some new snacks at a gas station on the way. But don’t eat too much, if you puke into my car, I’ll leave you next to the Interstate.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Almost five hours later Mickey and Liam arrived in front of a small house in St. Louis under the address he had forced from Mandy and Zach a while before they had left. “Come on, get out of the car”, Mickey said and opened Liam’s door. Liam came out of the car and brushed chips crumbs from his pants.

“You good?”  
“I have to pee”  
“Then go behind some tree, I hope you can do that on your own."  
“If your sister lives here, can’t I go inside?”

Mickey sighed and nodded. He opened the metal gate to the house and checked the name on the door. Kogutowicz & Milkovich. He knocked on the door a few times, rang the bell – but no one answered the door.

“They don’t seem to be home”, Mickey mumbled and tried to peep into a window.  
“But I really really need to go”, Liam said.  
“Well, then go around the house, that dude deserves it anyways. I’ll wait here.”

Liam nodded and quickly ran around the house.  
Mickey sighed and kept trying to look into the house, but he couldn’t see anything.

“Hey, what are you doing there?”, a woman called from the street.  
Mickey turned around to her, she was carrying shopping bags with groceries.  
“Do you live around here?”  
“Yes, what are you doing there, you don’t live here.”

Mickey nodded and came down to her.  
“A young couple is supposed to live here. I’m looking for the girl, wait”, he pulled a photo out of his jacket that showed Ian and Mandy, “Here, have you seen her around?”

The woman looked at the photo and to Mickey again.  
“Who are you again?”  
“She’s my little sister. She moved here with some shady boyfriend a few weeks ago and I haven’t heard from her in a while.”  
“Hm, well, yes, I’ve seen her around, but not with the man from the photo.”  
“No, that’s her best friend, the boyfriend has dark hair, tall, takes a lot of steroids.”  
“Yes, yes, they were here. The girl was nice, she worked at my favourite café a few streets over. But they moved out a few weeks ago already after she quit at the café. But I don’t know why or where they moved."

Mickey sighed.  
“Okay, uh, just, when you saw her… was she alright? Did she have bruises or black eyes, cuts, something?”  
The woman looked at him surprised, “Oh, no, no”, she shook her head, “No, she was wearing short clothes and I’ve never seen any bruises or stuff. The guy seemed weird though, didn’t want to talk and stuff. But I don’t think he hit her.”

Mickey bit his lip and looked at the photo sadly, he nodded, “Okay, thanks.”, Liam came back around the house to him, “Uhm, could you maybe point me to that café she was working at?”  
“Oh, sure, yeah, it’s called _Cathy’s_ down the street, to the left, then left again and to the end of the streets, between a laundromat and a Yoga studio.”  
“Thanks. Well, Liam, you wanna get some coffee?”  
“I’m too young to drink coffee”  
“Yeah, yeah, we’ll find something else, go back to the car”, he looked at the woman, “Bye.”  
“Goodbye, I hope you find your sister”, the woman said and went home herself.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mickey and Liam went to _Cathy’s_ a small cafe in soft colours. Usually, Mickey wouldn’t set a foot into this place. He sent Liam to wash his hands properly in the restroom while he went to the counter to talk to a waitress.

The waitress wanted to give him the menu, but Mickey raised his hand, “No, I don’t want anything, I just have a few questions about a waitress who worked here a few weeks ago.”  
“You think I’m gonna answer random questions about a co-worker?”

Mickey pulled the picture out again and showed it to her, “Her name is Mandy, she’s my little sister she worked here a few weeks ago. Do you know her?”  
“Oh, Mandy, yes, she was nice. So, what’s your name again? She said something about a brother.”  
“Mickey”  
The waitress nodded approvingly, as if he just passed a test, “What do you want to know, I’m not sure if I can tell you a lot though”

Liam came back from the restroom and pulled on Mickey’s jacket, “Mickey, can I get some pancakes?”  
Mickey sighed, “Dude, how much food can you stuff into that tiny stomach?”  
“Please”

Mickey sighed, “How much are some pancakes?”, he asked the waitress.  
“Eight dollars.”  
Mickey sighed and looked t Liam, “I’ll get all this money back from your brother”, he mumbled.  
“So, some pancakes for the little guy?”, she smiled.  
“Yeah.”  
“And hot chocolate”, Liam added, “Please.”  
“Coming right up. Do you want something too?”  
“No, thanks”

The waitress told the cook about the pancakes and brought some hot chocolate to Liam.  
“So, what do you want to know?”, she asked Mickey.  
“Did she say anything about where she would go?”  
“No, she quit before they moved. She came in though until she moved, she didn’t look very happy, to be honest, but she never said anything about moving.”  
“Did she say why she quit?”

“No”, she shook her head, “It was a real shame, everyone loved her, she was so nice”, the cook announced the pancakes and the waitress carried them to Liam, “Here ya go. Mandy seemed really happy to work here, always said, how people tip as if they touched her, but they didn’t. Don’t know where she worked before that, but I hope she isn’t back there.”

Mickey would be happy if she would work at the Squirrel wafflehouse again, she’d at least be home again. He rubbed his forehead.  
“What about her boyfriend, name’s Zach. Ever met him?”  
“Oh, yeah”, she said and nodded, “Unpleasant man. Always looked like he was smelling something bad, and there’s nothing in here smelling bad, ever, I tell you.”  
“That’s true”, Liam said, “It smells great in here. Better than in Fi’s diner”

“Aw, thanks, little man. You know what, when you leave, I’ll give you a doughnut for free”  
“Thank you, miss”, Liam smiled widely.  
“Anyways, Zach.”, Mickey redirected the conversation.  
“Oh right, so, he always picked her up in the afternoon and brought her in the morning, even when her shift was over, she always stayed here until her boyfriend picked her up. But just in the end though, in the beginning, she was walking very freely, then not anymore. After she quit, she always made sure to be home by the time her boyfriend would be home and off work.”

Mickey glanced at Liam, he sighed, stood behind Liam and put his hands on Liam’s ears, who kept eating his pancakes without caring.  
“Did he ever hit her? Did she have bruises or stuff, ever seen some?”  
The waitress shook her head, “No, not that I saw. And our uniforms are quite short”, she said and showed her bare arms, “I don’t think he hit her, was kinda controlling though, but I don’t think he’d hit her.”  
Mickey took his hands from Liam’s ears and nodded, “Okay, thanks. How much’s that food and chocolate all together?”  
“$9.50”  
Mickey slid a 20 dollar bill across the counter, “Keep the change and if Mandy ever comes back or you hear from her, could you call me?”, he asked and wrote his number on a piece of paper.  
“Sure, I will. You seem like a good brother, she always talked about you and her friend Ian, always sounded like she wanted to go back home, don’t know why she just didn’t”, the waitress shrugged and left.

After Liam finally finished eating, Mickey sent him to the restroom again and they took off – the nice waitress pushed two doughnuts into their hands before they left – and Mickey told Liam again, not to puke into his car.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was around half-past nine when they arrived back at the Gallagher house. The timer was counting down the last 75 minutes. Liam was asleep in the back of the car.  
Mickey got out of the car, opened Liam’s door and carried the child out of the car, the door opened and Fiona came rushing down the porch.

“Finally, there you are! It’s fucking late, what were you thinking? You can’t take him on a road trip like that!”, she whisper-yelled at him.  
“I texted you before we left, also, he’s alive, he’s fed and he had a lot of fun informing me about every single yellow car he saw along the way.”  
“And where the hell were you?”  
Mickey started carrying Liam into the house, “Stop nagging at me, Fiona. We were in St. Louis.”  
“St. Louis? What the hell were you doing there?”  
“None of your business.”, he said sharply and put Liam down on the couch, “Now leave me alone, I gotta take a shower, change my clothes and then I have something to do.”

He let her standing in the living room and went upstairs. Like so often, the house was out of warm water, but he didn’t care. He cleaned himself up in every way, even brushed his teeth again. He took out a pair of those tight jeans Ian often wanted him to wear because his ass looked amazing in them, apparently. He looked for a shirt he could remember Ian complimenting him in, styled his freshly washed hair and checked the timer on his phone again.

30 minutes left.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ian stood in his favourite club. He’s been here with Mickey a few times, but he didn’t really like it. The 48 hours were almost over and by now he really wanted to get back to his boyfriend. None of the other men’s flirtations and compliments meant as much to him as Mickey’s words did.

He was flirting with some twink right now, who was so kind and bought him a drink, he was basically drooling over his biceps. He barely listened to him, instead, he wondered whether he should leave now, grab his stuff from Nadine’s place and go home tonight, or go home in the morning. Mickey had the following day off, he would have enough time to show him all the love in the world and fuck him until the bed broke.

“I bet you could even lift me with those guns and take me against the wall”, the twink said with a dirty grin and licked over his bottom lip.  
Oh, he would love doing that to Mickey, fucking him like that was some real fun, though he could never carry him for long.  
“I could”, Ian stated, “Mainly because you’re built like a twig”, he was tired of it now, he knew his 48 hours were as good as over and he didn’t need or want this man’s compliments anymore.

The twink looked at him confused when suddenly someone else put himself right in front of the two. Ian and the twink looked at him – it was Mickey.

“Mick, what are you doing here?”, Ian asked.  
Mickey didn’t answer, he was looking at his phone.  
“Hey, dude, what do you want?”, Twinkie said.

Mickey held his hand up in front of Twinkie’s face signalling him to stop talking, they both looked at him confused, while Mickey folded his little finger in, then his ring finger and Ian realised, he was counting down. Mickey put his phone away when only one finger was up. Then he suddenly has his fist close to Twinkies face and the other hand on his shirt, “Now get away from my boyfriend, faggot”, he growled.

Twinkie looked at him with wide eyes and quickly ran off.  
“Time’s up, Gallagher, hope you enjoyed it… but not too much”  
Ian laughed, wrapped his arms around him and kissed him.

“How did you know where I was?”, Ian asked.  
“You dragged me to this place often enough didn’t you?”, Mickey chuckled.  
Ian grinned and took his hands, “Come on, dance with me”  
“You know I don’t dance, freckles.”  
“Come on”, he put his arms around his neck and grinned down at him, “Don’t you wanna show those guys who want something from me, that only you can get it?”  
Mickey started to smile, “How about you dance and I stand there and look good.”  
Ian laughed, took his hands and pulled him to the dance floor.

Mickey could have very well been a pole, Ian could dance on, but he actually made it to make Mickey move with him. Ian had his arms around him, moving their bodies together, pushing their hips together, he kissed him and the guys around him were jealous, they could feel their jealousy while they were dancing and turning each other on.

Ian started running his hands down Mickey’s body, he grabbed Mickey’s ass through his tight jeans, pulled him closer and started to kiss him while neglecting the dancing for a moment, Mickey laughed against his lips, he could feel the other people staring at them, not in a way Mickey would hate. They were judging, he could feel that, but out of jealousy and spite.

“We should go home”, Mickey murmured into Ian’s ear, “Didn’t have you in three weeks”  
Ian laughed and kissed him again, then he took his hand and pulled him to the exit of the club.  
“I’ll call us a cab”  
“I’ve got my car around the corner, Gallagher, spent so much money on food today, not gonna pay a cab too. Also, I almost didn’t drink anything, come on”, he held his hand out towards Ian, who grabbed it and walked to Mickey’s car, swaying their arms back and forth, making Mickey laugh at him.

In the car, Ian kissed him again and Mickey wondered, how many drinks other guys bought for him that night.  
“It’s almost one in the morning”, Mickey said, “you think we can still go get your stuff?”  
“Yeah, need my Mickey-pillow”, Ian nodded, Mickey gave him his phone so he could put in Nadine’s address and Mickey could drive there.

“And how was your 48 hour vacation? Many men tell you how great you are?”  
“Yeah, many, many men much less attractive than you, telling me how hot I am and stuff.”  
“And you feel validated enough? Feel like the hottest person in the room again?”  
Ian nodded and reached over to touch Mickey’s cheek, “Like it better when you tell me though. Good to know that I still have it in me, but baby, you seen how fucking jealous they were of us? Loved it, I love you”, he leaned over and kissed Mickey’s cheek.  
“Love you, too”, Mickey grinned, “Missed ya, man.”, he glanced over at him.

Ian smiled angelically.  
“I missed you, too. Really don’t like sleeping without you, bed’s so cold”, he complained with a pout, making Mickey chuckled, “We needed this though. First time in while I really just longed to be with you again.”  
“Wow, nice.”  
Ian laughed, “NO! Always happy that you’re mine. But last weeks were fucking hard man”  
“I know, freckles, it’s alright, we can talk about this when you’re sober again. By the way, you are aware that you have a nightshift coming up in a few hours right?”  
Ian leaned his head back and groaned, Mickey chuckled and pulled into a parking space in front of Nadine’s address.

“Want me to come upstairs with you?”  
“Better not, once I got you in a room with a bed, I’m gonna tear your clothes off. Wait here, I’ll get my things”

Ian got out of the car and Mickey watched him stumbling towards the door. He needed about 15 minutes to come back down with his backpack and the pillow. Mickey drove them home, while Ian mumbled things about missing and smelling the pillow at night.

In their bedroom, Ian carefully placed the pillow on Mickey’s side of the bed, before pulling Mickey in and tearing their clothes off to fuck him in their bed again. Afterwards, Mickey lay on his chest and Ian played with his hair.

Ian sighed happily and Mickey looked up at him.  
“I was thinking”, Ian said thoughtfully, “We have to deal with all of those people in this house, and it’s not gonna get any quieter in the future and our jobs aren’t gonna get less stressful. We can’t keep letting all of this out on each other. Before we also made it to calm each other down at the end of the day.”  
“Yeah”, Mickey mumbled, he was thinking about Mandy, how they used to live in the Milkovich house, Ian, Mandy, Sandy and him and how it was so perfect.  
“This room is just ours, all the other people are out there, the jobs are out there. The stress should stay out there too, you know? This is our room, like our place used to be, but better. Everything that is not us, we should just leave it outside.”

Mickey reached up and touched the freckles on his jaw, “Since when are you so deep, huh?”  
“I’m just trying to find a solution to this.”  
Mickey smiled, “I think it sounds good. If we can pull that off”, he chuckled, “You know, next time we can’t deal with all of this, we should go away together, though.”  
“What do you mean?”  
“Like some weekend trip or something. Nothing fancy, but take two days for us, get out of this house and so on.”

Ian smiled and curled one strand of Mickey’s black hair around his finger, “That sounds very nice.”  
“Yeah, so, make sure you switch your shifts so they match mine around your birthday, so we have the same days off. I’ll take you somewhere.”  
Ian grinned down at him and pulled him up to him to kiss him again.

“So what have you been up to the whole day I wasn’t home, you didn’t have work.”  
“Took your brother on a road trip.”  
“Yeah, which one?”  
“Liam. He eats like he’s pregnant with twins.”  
“Where did you go to?”

Mickey bit his bottom lip. He wasn’t sure whether he should tell Ian about all the things he found out about Mandy. But he himself wasn’t sure about what they meant yet. The boyfriend sounded troubling, but no one ever saw bruises on Mandy’s skin. They said, she seemed happy and nice, she must have been talkative when she told them about Mickey and Ian and home. He didn’t want to alarm Ian. But the worst part was, all the things he found out were a dead end. He didn’t know where Mandy went and Ian wouldn’t know either, he would only trouble his mind with it, while he was otherwise so happy right now. Ian would try to look for her too, finding nothing but the same dead-end and then they would both go crazy over it and set the whole country on fire and yet they wouldn’t find Mandy. Maybe he would tell him another time. Right now Ian was in a good mood and he didn’t want him to lose this cheerfulness.

“Just driving around”, Mickey said, “We were bored and staying in this house with the other two can be a horror trip.”  
Ian chuckled, “Yeah, I know. I like that you have some quality bonding time with my siblings."  
Mickey nodded, “You owe me about $30 worth of candy and snacks, by the way.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A few weeks later, Ian’s birthday came around and Mickey took Ian in the morning, gave each other sibling about one minute time for birthday wishes, then he put Ian in the car and drove off. Ian was so tired he overslept half of the car ride.

Mickey shook him awake eventually, the sun stood high above them, they definitely were not in Chicago anymore.

“Wake up sleepyhead, we’re there.”  
Ian looked around tiredly, they were in a parking lot of a motel, Ian looked at him confused and Mickey started chuckling.  
“What, you don’t like it, freckles? It’s only our place to sleep and stuff, I’ll show you what we’re here for after you took a shower and stuff.

About half an hour later, Mickey walked through a few streets with him away from the Motel and he could already smell it in the air, it smelled like salt, he could here people and seagulls and yes, even waves. Ian’s eyes grew wider and Mickey just smiled while not telling him anything. They eventually arrived at the beach around 10 minutes away from the motel.

“You brought me to the beach”, Ian whispered with the widest grin Mickey had ever seen on his face. Ian hugged him and would have lifted him in the air and twirled him around like a Disney Princess if Mickey wouldn’t have stopped him. He laughed and let Ian kiss his face repeatedly.

“Alright, calm down, it’s just the east coast and the motel with the best Yelp review.”, Mickey chuckled.  
“I love it”, Ian said and kissed him again.

It was October but it was still decently warm, warmer than October ever was in Chicago. Mickey had brought some beach towels and got a nice place in the high sun for them. When you lay directly in the sun, it was very fucking hot for October. Mickey took his sweet time rubbing suncream all over Ian’s body, he didn’t waste one fuck on the people around them that could have judged or commented. Afterwards, Ian insisted on giving Mickey the same treatment, who hadn’t even considered taking his shirt off and exposing his skin to the evil sun. – Ian just laughed at him.

“Come on, let’s go into the water”, Ian said when they were both sunburn proof.  
Mickey sighed but followed Ian into the ocean – not that he would have had a choice, since Ian pulled him into the blue, wet thing on his hand it as if it was the first water he had seen in his life.

Ian threw himself into the water, other people were swimming around playing with huge beach balls, but it wasn’t extremely full. Mickey only went into the water until it reached his hips and watched Ian swim and jump around, the Gallagher splashed water on him and laughed. He looked a bit like a mermaid, Mickey thought.

Ian eventually walked back to him and took his hands, “Why don’t you come in further? It’s fun.”  
“You do know that I can’t swim, right?”  
Ian looked at him surprised, “You can’t swim?”  
Mickey shrugged, “Never learnt how. My dad didn’t exactly take us to the pool or the lake all too often, except when he needed help to get rid of a body.

“Why did you bring me all this way to a beach if you can’t swim?”, Ian chuckled and shook his head, thinking how stupid Mickey was again.  
Mickey shrugged, “You always talked about the beach and the ocean, wanted to see it and swim and stuff.”  
Ian started smiling widely, “Why do you have to be such a great boyfriend”, he sighed and kissed him, “Always putting me to shame. I love you so much.”  
Mickey chuckled, “Yeah, and it’s about to get better, Gallagher. While you were asleep, I bought some sour candy for you”  
Ian’s eyes lit up, “Marry me”, he said and kissed him.  
Mickey laughed brightly, “Maybe later, Gallagher, go enjoy the ocean, I’ll collect some seashells or something.”

Mickey wandered up and down the beach, watching his boyfriend playing between the waves, swimming around and coming up to him every once in a while to tackle him in the sand or to kiss him on the beach towels when he needed a break.

In the evening Mickey even took him out for some nice dinner date in a real restaurant with candles and everything.

Ian held his hand over the table and looked at him smiling, “I love you”, he whispered.  
“You’re saying that a lot today”  
“Because it’s true, and because this, all of this is so fucking fantastic”, he grinned, “You’re the best boyfriend in existence. Like, two years ago you barely let me put my arm around you when we walked around in public together.”

“I’m glad you like it, 21st birthdays gotta be something special.”  
Ian bit his bottom lip and looked down their fingers ashamed when he thought about Mickey's 21st birthday. How selfish he had been, how he had forced him to come out, how Mickey got a serious beat down.

Mickey pinched the skin on Ian’s wrists, “Hey Gallagher, don’t make that face. I spent a lot of money on this whole thing, you better be happy and smiley the whole time.”  
Ian looked up at him and smiled again.  
“There we go, good. Also, this is gonna be the last expensive thing we can do in a while”  
“Why?”, Ian asked confused.  
“Because I really want to move out of that house again”, Mickey smiled, “What do you think, we can start saving now, cut back on presents and anniversary stuff and so on, and by my next birthday we can live in our place.”

“That sounds great”  
“Yeah?”  
“Yes”, Ian grinned, “Just you and me… but my sister needs our money to cover rent and stuff.”  
“I hope by that time Carl makes some better money with his drug business. Maybe he should ditch the black kids and start working with my family, there lies money.”  
“You were completely broke your whole life, too.”  
“Good point. Doesn’t matter, we’ll figure something out with Fiona. But I can’t live in that house forever Ian, I’ll end up going on a killing spree.”  
Ian chuckled, “Okay, yeah, let’s start saving and move the fuck out of that place. Get something cosy just for us.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

They came back the next night, it was well past midnight and they expected the house to be asleep, but instead, the entire Gallagher clan, including Lip, was in the living room. Ian and Mickey could hear Fiona and Debbie yelling at each other from outside of the house already. When they opened the door and entered the living room, the two stopped screaming and looked at Ian and Mickey.

“What’s this, our welcome back party?”, Ian asked confused.  
“You could have had a party but you decided to vanish on your birthday”, Lip said with a smirk.  
“Our vacation was better than any party could have been”, Ian grinned, “So what’s the screaming all about?”

Debbie stood in the middle of the room, with her arms crossed in front of her chest, looking at the rest of them angrily. Fiona had her hands in her hips and looked at her little sister frustrated. No one answered Ian.

“Debb’s pregnant”, Carl said eventually.  
Ian and Mickey stared at the Teenager with wide eyes.  
“And Fiona wants me to abort it, you fucking bitch!”, Debbie screamed at Fiona and ran upstairs.

Fiona sighed deeply, she ran her hands through her hair and sat down on the couch.  
“Yeah, we’re moving out”, Mickey said, “Good night”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ian wished they would still be at the beach, in the hot midday sun, feeling the waves crashing against his hips softly while he watched Mickey picking up seashells along the beach. He has never been so thankful for a sunburn as he was for the one on the back of his neck because it reminded him on their vacation.

The house was loud and filled with frustration and anger. It wasn’t a discussion about morality in any sense. Fiona wanted Debbie to abort. Debbie didn’t. If the thing in Debbie’s womb was called a baby or a foetus or a cell clump wasn’t of any weight. Ian had no idea why Debbie even wanted a child, maybe she just wanted to disagree with Fiona, because that was what she did during all of those discussions.

Ian was in his room and gently touched the seashells Mickey had brought home from the beach, they lay on his bedside table, Mickey was asleep, Ian sat fully dressed next to him, about to leave for work.

“Let me alone!”, Debbie yelled through the house and it felt like the whole house shook when Debbie threw her door shut. Ian sighed and pinched the sunburn on the back of his neck, hissing at the sharp pain, but through the pain, it was like he could smell the sea again.

“Don’t do that”, a groggy voice came from the bed, “It’s never gonna fucking heal if you keep doing that.”  
Ian leaned down and kissed him gently, “It’s almost gone”, he said, “Sad, actually, last bit of summer.”  
“You’re a masochist”, Mickey mumbled.  
Ian smiled and kissed him again, “I have to go to work, pick me up for lunch later?”  
“Yeah, but not in Fiona’s diner, I can’t eat with her screaming about pregnancies and birth and afterbirth”, he shuddered. Ian chuckled and quietly left the room.

Ian walked the way to the station, his mind travelled back to his own conversation with Debbie on the topic the day before:

Debbie sat down next to Ian on the couch and stared at him until he switched off the TV and looked back at her with a sigh.  
“So, what do you think?”, Debbie asked, “Everyone gave their fucking opinion, tell me, should I abort or not?”  
Ian sighed annoyed, “Isn’t that your decision?”  
“Of course it’s my decision, but I gotta know who’s on my side.”  
“Debbs, I’m always on your side. But I can also understand Fiona. You’re not even sixteen years old, you have no job, didn’t finish school. Fiona is just afraid she might end up having to take care of the baby too.”  
Debbie growled, “No, she just thinks I couldn’t do it. That’s what all of you think, right? Debbie could never do it. Guess what, I’m not a little child anymore!”  
“So, you want to have a child, to prove you’re not a child… sounds childish to me.”  
Debbie pinched his sunburn hard, making Ian moan in pain, “Ah, fuck, Debbie!”  
“I want to have this baby.”, she stated, “I’ll be a good mother and Derek’s gonna be a good father and if my family doesn’t support me, his family will!”  
“Of course we will support you, Debbs.”, he looked ta his little sister, “If you really want it, you should do it. It’s your life.”

Ian was pretty sure, if Debbie really kept the child, Fiona would kill him for saying this to Debbie. But what was he supposed to do? Hold her down, while Fiona pushed a clothing hanger up Debbie’s uterus? Hard pass. He just hoped, Mickey and he could move out before there was another crying and screaming person tormenting this house.

Mickey crept down the stairs around noon. He wanted to pick up Ian for lunch in a few hours and just wanted to get something to drink from downstairs. He peeped into the kitchen, no one was in. He quickly went to the fridge to get some orange juice. The last time he had to move like this around the place he lived in, was when he still lived with his father.

The moment he closed the fridge door, Debbie suddenly stood next to him, startling him.  
“Jesus Christ, fuck, Debbie. What are you sneaking up on me for?”  
“I didn’t sneak”, she said and sat down on one of the stools at the counter.  
“Why aren’t you at school?”  
“Because I’m pregnant?”  
“Great start”, Mickey mumbled, “You know, it just occurred to me, I should drink this upstairs”, he said and wanted to make a run for the staircase.

“Wait”, Debbie said, “Mickey, I need your opinion.”  
“Goddamn, where is that giant Rainbow flag when you need one? I’m really the wrong person to consult over the aftermath of straight sex.”  
“But you said you know stuff because of your sister, please… Do you think I should get an abortion?”

“Why do you ask me of all people? It’s not possible that you ran out of siblings to annoy. And if you did, I bet your dad has some hidden in some trailer parks.”  
“But you’re basically my brother in law”, Debbie said, “So… please.”

 _Brother in law_. Mickey had to admit, he liked the sound of that. It sounded so good to him, that he really stayed in the kitchen to talk to Debbie about the whole thing.

“Okay.”, he sighed, “I’m not gonna tell you what to do, last time I tried that, I got a frying pan thrown at my head.”  
Debbie looked at him surprised, “Mandy threw a pan at you?”  
“No, not Mandy. Some half-sister, Jenny. She had an affair with a teacher, he promised her love and future and so on and that he’s gonna leave his wife for her. She got pregnant, we all told her to abort because the dude would never leave his wife for her, but she was so in love she didn’t want to listen. She threw a pan at me. Now she sits at home with twins, while the baby daddy lives in a nice house with his wife and doesn’t pay a lick of child support. Or well, he didn’t, My half brother Olly, not the same mother as Jenny, my cousin Sandy and her brother Timmy and I beat him up until he paid.”

“Sometimes I think you’re just making stuff up.”  
“Oh yeah, wait until I tell you about the one time my cousins Tilly and Ully had twins together and named them Willy and Nilly. They were siblings by the way.”  
Debbie blinked a few times, “Now you’re joking.”  
“I wish I was”, Mickey said and shrugged, “So, who’s your kid’s dad?”  
“My boyfriend Derek.”

“Sixteen?”, Mickey asked, “I knew that dude meant trouble. Don’t make me say ‘I told you so’ I’m gonna sound like Fiona”, he shook his head, “So, how did he react?”  
Debbie shrugged, “Well, he didn’t run.”  
“How close were those fingernails to his balls when he didn’t run?”, he pointed at Debbie’s long claws.

Debbie looked at her fingernails, “You know who made them for me? The mother of Derek’s nephew. I met her at a family gathering, it’s a big, great family. When she got pregnant, the family took her in and supported her and the baby.”  
Mickey looked at her for a long minute without saying anything, “Did you get pregnant on purpose to get the same treatment?”  
Debbie stared back at him for an even longer minute, “No.”  
“Fiona's gonna kill you.”  
“Then don’t tell her”, Debbie hissed.

Mickey ran his hand through his hair, “You’re so knee-deep in horse shit, Debbie. How do you plan to manage all this, believe me, you show a list with potential baby names to Sixteen and he runs.”  
“So, you think I should abort.”, she stated and crossed her arms in front of her chest, “But I want this baby.”

Mickey sighed, “Listen if there is one thing I learned about this whole pregnancy and abortion stuff from my sister it’s this: It’s never so much a question of want as it is about ability.”  
“And that means what?”

“That means, okay, you want the baby. But are you able to have it? Are you able to provide for it, take care of it, raise it? You’re going to school, you’re skipping classes right now, you don’t even have some after school job. This house is packed, the crying baby would be in your room the entire time, you would have to get up all the time at night to feed it and change diapers. Who’s gonna watch the baby when you’re at school or work? Because Fiona won’t. From where are you gonna get all the money for diapers, food, clothes and so on? You can’t be sure of Sixteen’s support or his family’s support. So far, you can only be sure of Ian’s and probably Lip’s – and Lip is busy with college and Ian and I want to move out. If you think you can handle all of this shit, fine, have the damn baby. But your decision is also affecting every other person in this house, you know the ones that are already living and breathing and are running very low on impulse control and sleep.”

Debbie had her arms folded on the counter now and looked up at Mickey.  
“And if I have a solution for all of this?”  
“Then decide on that basis. You still got some time to decide, right?”  
“Yeah”, Debbie mumbled.  
“How about, you put those claws away and talk to Sixteen calmly about whether you can expect his support for real. And if nothing helps, you tell him about how we deal with guys like him in my family.”, he looked at his phone, “Okay, I have to get ready, I promised Ian to grab some lunch together.”

Debbie nodded and stayed in the kitchen for the rest of the day.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Debbie eventually decided to keep the child to the great dismay of about everyone else in the house. Ian was low-key excited to become an uncle, how he told Mickey later after Debbie announced her final decision, but he still thought Debbie was too young for this.

“Maybe a more aggressive approach like Fiona did it would have made more sense”, Mickey had mumbled to Ian and with that, he was over the topic.

So, Debbie started to build up all of Liam’s old furniture in her own bedroom and put ultrasound pictures on the fridge with magnets. While most of the family came around – especially Frank was very excited for his grandchild, weirdly enough – Fiona had a frown on her face for about 5 months on end now.

When Debbie was six months along and proudly showing off her baby bump, everything seemed to go well. She had some annoying mood swings and ate weird stuff all the time, but she was happy. Until Mickey came home one afternoon, and as soon as he opened the door to the living room saw Debbie crying on the couch.

Mickey bit his lip and wanted to sneak back out of the room before Debbie would cry to him.  
“Mickey?”, her soft voice came from the couch before Mickey could leave again. Mickey cursed under his breath and then went to the couch.

“What’s going on?”, he asked, expecting her to cry about backpain, clothes that didn’t fit anymore or that they ran out of ice cream again (in the middle of winter, who would want to eat ice cream in the middle of winter? Pregnant people, that’s who)

Debbie stood up and threw herself against Mickey, crying into his shoulder.  
“Derek is gone!”, she sobbed pathetically, “He moved to California to his aunt, he didn’t even say goodbye!”  
Mickey sighed and awkwardly patted her back, trying to think of something to say other than ‘told you so’ or ‘what a surprise’

“There, there”, Mickey said awkwardly, which only made Debbie sob harder, “Okay, Debbie, Debbie, come on, sit down”  
Mickey made it to make Debbie sit down on the couch. No person ever dared to hug Mickey like this and cry to him – his relationship with Ian really was poison for his reputation.

“Do you want me and my brothers to go to him and beat him up?”  
“No, I want him to come back”, Debbie cried, “Oh god, what am I supposed to do with the baby now? Neither he nor his family wants to have anything to do with me”  
“They are legally required to pay”, Mickey said, “But you don’t need that asshole, you’re gonna be fine.”  
Debbie looked up at him, “You think so?”, she sobbed.  
“Yeah, sure”, Mickey said, he wasn’t sure whether he really believed it, but he needed Debbie to stop crying, “You remember what we talked about a few months ago, you wouldn’t have decided to have the baby if you didn’t think you could do it. Fiona raised five of you while being a child herself and she made it without a man. You don’t need him. It’s better that he’s gone, I always knew he was trouble.”

“You’re right”, she said and tried to regain control over her emotions, she held her head high, “I don’t need him, I and my baby will be fine, it’s his loss ‘cause he’ll never meet her!”  
“Right. Keep that in mind.”  
Then her lip started to quiver again, “But I miss him”, she wailed and started crying again. Mickey leaned back into the couch and decided to just stay put and wait for another Gallagher to come and deal with her.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Debbies pregnancy went on, she slowly seemed to get over Derek. She picked out a name for her Baby girl – Franny… after Frank. Mickey was very confused with this choice, but what did he ever understand about women? And she prayed that Franny would have no of Derek’s features.

Over the last few weeks, however, Mickey couldn’t decide who was acting weirder: Ian or Debbie. Ian was extremely excited about his new niece. But something about him was off. He seemed to barely ever sleep, he had only night shifts and went running in the morning just to come back with thousands of pictures of the same sunset.

Somehow Ian was spiralling out of control and Mickey had no idea why. But the rest of the family didn’t seem to notice a change in his behaviour, since everybody was busy with Debbie. Mickey also didn’t want to alarm anyone, he didn’t know what it was, what was going on, maybe it was nothing, maybe Mickey was just jealous because he felt like he didn’t get enough sleep in months, while Ian just didn’t seem to need sleep anymore.

Mickey just finished his shift at the security company for today, when a text message reached the Gallagher house group chat.

Fiona: Debbie is having the baby! On the way to the hospital now!

Debbie was about to have her baby daughter. Ian surely wouldn’t want to miss that. Mickey called Ian on his phone while running to his car. Ian didn’t pick up. His shift probably didn’t end yet. Mickey drove up to the station, where he met Nadine, who was just returning from lunch.

“Mickey?”, she asked, “I didn’t see you in a long time, how’s Ian?”  
“What do you mean, how’s Ian?”, Mickey asked confused, “His sister is having her baby, I wanted to pick him up.”  
She looked at him confused.  
“But Mickey, Ian doesn’t work here anymore. He quit almost two weeks ago.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not to sound too needy, but you know comments = motivation
> 
> Also, I'm so sorry, I didn't notice that somehow the dates for the chats got completely messed up - I fixed it


	8. Franny, Cars and Bank Accounts

The entire Gallagher family, minus Debbie and her daughter Franny, sat in the Gallagher livingroom early in the morning. Ian didn’t come home all night, didn’t pick up his phone, nothing. While the siblings were worried shitless, Mickey was furious.

For two weeks Ian had talked about night shifts. For two weeks Ian was out of his job. For two weeks Ian had barely ever been home a night. For two weeks he had always taken showers before coming to bed. So Mickey didn’t have to ask any questions, the case was crystal clear for him.

Interestingly enough, it was also clear to the rest of the family, and yet both came to entirely different conclusions. Because of Mickey’s conclusion, Lip had cuffed him to the bannister, so he wouldn’t beat Ian to a pulp as soon as he laid eyes on him again.

Ian came through the door whistling – fucking whistling out of happiness and it made Mickey sick. He was surprised to see his whole family gathered here, waiting for him at around four in the morning.

“Hey, guys, what’s up?”, Ian asked grinning and looked at Mickey, “Why are you handcuffed?”  
“So I don’t rip your fucking throat out!”, Mickey growled and Ian looked at him confused.

Then Ian laughed and went over to him, he kissed him and said, “You’re running low on sleep, that’s all. Or have a snack.”  
“You smell like old men’s cum”, Mickey growled lowly, but Ian didn’t look like he even cared.  
“Ian, where were you the whole night?”, Lip asked calmly.  
“Where was I supposed to be? I was at work”  
“You quit at the station two weeks ago”  
“The station?”, he laughed, “Yeah, that’s history, got a new job. Man, I’m hungry, do we have something to eat? Mickey, you want a sandwich, too?”

Ian grinned and happily strolled to the kitchen, the other Gallagher’s followed him, leaving Mickey behind, still handcuffed.

“Ian, are you okay?”  
“Yeah, just fucking hungry”, Ian said, “You know, I always thought this kitchen looks a bit dull, we should use some colours, especially now when Debbie has her baby soon.”  
“Debbie had her baby today. We tried to call you, but you didn’t show up and didn’t answer your phone”, Fiona said.  
“Oh shit, she had the baby?”, Ian grinned, “Where are they?”  
“Upstairs, sleeping”  
“Oh, I have to go and say hello!”, Ian pushed the remains of the sandwich into his mouth and went for the stairs, but Lip pulled him back, “No, they need to rest, Ian, you can say hello later. Tell us where you were all night. We were worried sick and your boyfriend thinks you cheated on him.”

Ian looked towards the living room, where his boyfriend stared back at him angrily. Ian said something with his mouth full of Sandwich.  
“Ian, chew that Sandwich, swallow and take that time to think about your words.”, Fiona said.

Ian chewed quickly and swallowed his sandwich down, “I don’t know what you all want from me, I got a new job that’s all. Give me the key for the cuffs”  
“Are you sure? He reminds me of a dog with rabies.”  
“Poor thing”, Ian said, “Stop being mean to him”

Lip and Fiona exchanged a look, Fiona eventually sighed and gave Ian the key for the cuffs. Ian ran over to Mickey and smiled at him, he opened the cuff, “There, all better”  
Within a split second, Mickey leapt at him, threw him to the ground and sat on his ribs, ready to punch his lights out, but Lip and Carl were right behind him immediately and held his arms back.

Ian smiled up at him, “What put you in a bad mood?”  
“What put me in a bad fucking mood? Where were you the entire night, huh? What you smelling like old money for?”, he yelled at him, while the other two brothers pulled him backwards.  
“Shht, Mick, didn’t you listen before? Debbie and the baby are sleeping upstairs.”, Ian said, “It’s okay, I didn’t sleep with anyone Mick”, he said and rolled his eyes like it was the most ridiculous thing, “I just have a new job”

Ian shrugged and stood up, Mickey freed his arms out of the brothers’ grip.  
“And what fucking job is that supposed to be, huh?”  
Ian shrugged, “I dance at the club now.”  
“You what?”, Fiona asked shocked.  
“I dance at a gay club. It’s good money and it’s easier than running around in a uniform dealing with dying people”, he grinned, “It’s no big deal. It’s fun.”  
“You quit your job to become a stripper and rub your dick on zombies instead?”, Mickey yelled at him.  
“Shht”, Ian put his finger against his lips, “The Baby, Mickey.”  
“You fucking bitch, you spent the night showing off your cock while that Baby was born.”

Ian rolled his eyes again, “I don’t strip and I don’t show off my cock, Mick, calm down. It’s not so serious, I was bored at my old job, now I have a new one that’s fun.”  
“Fuck your fun”, Mickey growled, Lip wanted to grab Mickey’s arm again, when he thought Mickey wanted to punch Ian again, but Mickey pushed Lip away and just stormed to the door to leave the house.

“Mickey?”, Ian asked confused, “Where is he going?”  
“Probably about to kill someone”, Fiona said and shook her head, “Ian, what is going on with you? How are you feeling?”  
“I’m feeling fine, what’s up with you? It’s my fucking life, I can do with it whatever the hell I want”, he scoffed, “You guys are crazy. You know what, I’m gonna go for my run, the sun is about to come up, maybe the Baby will be up when I come back”, he grinned happily.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mickey ran to his car, got in and just drove off.  
“Stupid fucking idiot!”, he cursed, “Dancing in a club! What is fucking wrong with him?”  
He took his phone and dialled Sandy’s number to vent. But it wasn’t even five in the morning, so she, of course, didn’t pick up. Mickey had no idea where he was about to drive, so eventually, he pulled into a gas station.

He decided to do what he did often during the last few months. He took his phone and checked the news cross country about women found dead or domestic abuse victims. It was a habit he picked up after Debbie kept asking him for advice. He was worrying about his own sister, he wanted to find her, he wanted to make sure she wasn’t dead. After he paid for gas, he leaned against his car and smoked a cigarette until he found a message from a police department in Indianapolis.

Mickey got into his car and kept driving until he got to the ‘Leaving Chicago now’ sign. He stopped the car and read the message from the police again.

An unidentified woman was found dead in the White River State Park on the 14th of June.  
Description: white; 5ft 5, long, black hair; blue eyes; birthmark on the right inner thigh  
The woman was found with a red sweater, black jeans, brown faux leather boots and a black ring worn on the index finger.

There were pictures of the clothes and the ring, Mickey didn’t know them. But the description…

The screen went black and Lip’s name appeared, he was trying to call him, but Mickey didn’t want to hear anything from any Gallagher right now. He rejected the call and then called the hotline about the dead girl in Indianapolis.

He waited until the person on the other side of the line finished her information speech.  
“This is Mickey Milkovich, I’m looking for my sister, her name is Amanda, and I, uhm, I think she could be the girl you found.”  
“Did she recently spent time in Indianapolis?”  
“I don’t know. I didn’t have contact with her in the last year.”  
“Did you recognise any of the clothes we published pictures off?”  
“No. But she does find the description. Though I don’t know anything about a birthmark. But she had a nose piercing, right side. Does the girl you found have one?”  
The person seemed to look something up but then told him that no piercing or piercing hole was found.  
“Okay, then it’s not her. Thanks”, he hung up quickly.

It wasn’t the first conversation like this for Mickey, he even once drove all night to St Louis to look at a dead prostitute, and he never knew how he was supposed to feel at the end of it. He was glad, Mandy wasn’t found dead in some park or as a strangled prostitute. But he was still worried about her, he wondered where she was, how she was.

As long as he could worry about Mandy, he didn’t have to worry about Ian.

Stupid fucking Ian.  
Quit his job and became a stripper?

Why? Fucking why?

And his siblings were weird too, now. Mickey didn’t know what was going on, but the siblings all just mumbled and looked away. They knew something! And no one would tell him anything – he did so much shit for them! All of them! Especially Ian! And the siblings all just stood around him, looking away mumbling “Don’t think he’s cheating” and stuff!

Mickey’s fists were shaking. He had the uncontrollable urge to hit someone, hit Ian- he wanted to beat the living shit out of someone or something. For years he had tried and tried to control his anger and his emotions. Whenever they fought, he had to learn to remove himself from the situation, he had to learn to restrain himself – and now Ian was freaking out in every sense imaginable like it was no big deal. The only thing Mickey wanted from Ian in return for his effort, was a little love and faithfulness.

Mickey needed to go somewhere – he needed to find someone he could beat up. He needed to be prompted. Lip called him again and Mickey rejected the call.

“Fuck you, Gallagher”, he growled and got back into the car. He drove in full speed to Boys Town. _“I dance at the club now”_ When Ian said _the club_ , Mickey knew which one he meant. He drove to the club, it was very early but for a club, it was around closing time. He got out of the car and walked up to the club, maybe he could find the manager or some shit around here and beat him until he fired Ian. He lit a cigarette while standing in a darker corner by the club, watching the last people coming out. Suddenly he noticed some old dude with grey hair coming out, in his arm he held a young boy, he looked barely legal. He watched how the old man groped the younger one, he licked across his cheek and put his wrinkled hands under his shirt – this was what could happen to Ian every fucking night here! This young twink could very well be Ian, maybe it had been Ian before during the last days of working here.

Mickey breathed heavily out of his nose when the two walked past him, he stormed towards the couple, pulled the old man back on his jacket and pushed his burning cigarette into his neck.  
“You got fun molesting little boys, huh? Fucking perverted asshole!”, he kneed him in the balls and punched him in the face, the younger boy stood motionlessly next to them and watched. Mickey let his anger out on the man’s face until he heard someone calling towards them from the street. Mickey let go of the man, then ran back to his car and drove off again.

He didn’t know where to go – where was he supposed to fucking go?!  
He couldn’t go back to the Gallagher house, no, he just didn’t fucking want to! He didn’t want to see them, not even Liam or the baby. He couldn’t go home, because his dad was out of prison and if he would get close to the house again, Terry would kill him. Sandy’s house burned down years ago and since then she lived in Terry’s house. Their old place, the abandoned stone building, wasn’t burned down to the ground, of course. But since the fire homeless people were more aware of the place and had occupied the buildings. What was left? Their old spot under the Highschool bleachers? They used to go there all the time at the beginning of their little affair.

Mickey eventually just stopped the car somewhere and sighed deeply. His knuckles hurt, he had blood on his shirt, he didn’t sleep in 24 hours. His phone was ringing again. Mickey sighed, “Fuck it”, he mumbled and answered the call.

“The fuck do you want?”, Mickey growled.  
“Mickey, you need to come back”, Lip said calmly.  
“Yeah, why the fuck would I? I’m tired of your family and your shit”  
“You don’t understand.”, Lip sighed, “Come back and we explain it to you. Ian is… we think… Ugh, fuck”  
“The fuck are you talking about, how are you in fucking college when you can’t even form a real sentence?”, Mickey yelled at him.  
“Jeez, fuck, stop screaming at me. Just come back and we explain it.”  
“You explain it? Why can’t your shithead brother explain it to me, huh?”  
Lip sighed deeply, “Just come back”, he said and hung up.

Mickey spent another hour driving around aimlessly until he stopped in front of the Gallagher house again. He sat inside the car for a while, not moving an inch. The door to the house opened eventually and Lip came out with two mugs. He came down to the car, opened the door and sat on the passenger seat, he handed one of the mugs to Mickey. Mickey took the mug with hot coffee wordlessly, the two men sat in silence for a while.

“Did Ian ever tell you about our mom?”, Lip said eventually.  
Mickey shrugged. Ian had told him bits and pieces, but Monica wasn’t a popular topic in the house.

“She has a mental illness”, Lip said calmly, “Bipolar Disorder. It’s an affective disorder, uhm, which means she doesn't have control over her moods, in a way. She has episodes of depression and mania. In the depression she’s just lying in bed, she has no energy to move… tried to kill herself once or twice. And in the mania, she thinks she’s the queen of the world. And she’s reckless, danger to herself and others. She has no control, you know? Just acting on impulse.”

Mickey listened while drinking the coffee. He had no idea what Lip was on about.

“Do you understand what I want to say?”  
“Your childhood was awful boo-hoo, whose wasn’t? Does that give Ian the right to act like this, I think the fuck not”  
“We think Ian has the same disorder.”, Lip stated.

Mickey frowned and looked at Lip, “You what?”  
Lip nodded, “He’s acting like Monica in a manic episode. He’s bored with his job, so he quits. Then he starts dancing in the club. He’s got a ton of energy, always running around in the morning. Then he wants to renovate the kitchen and forgets about Franny being born. And honestly, it’s gonna get worse.”

Mickey looked down into his black coffee.  
“Usually, these things start with depression, did you ever notice that during the two years you lived on your own in the Milkovich house?”  
Mickey bit his bottom lip and shrugged.  
“Hm?”, Lip asked.  
Mickey rubbed his hand over his lips, “I mean, we all get fucking depressed, how could we not living around here?”

“So, yes?”  
Mickey shrugged, “There’s been a few times he was sad and… barely wanted to get out of bed and stuff. I thought it was just some seasonal depression and then he cried about how he treated me badly a few times. It just lasted nine days the one time and two weeks the other.”  
Lip looked at him sadly, “They could get worse. And he’s gonna get more episodes. Depression and mania over and over again, sometimes multiple depressions after each other, sometimes it goes from one to the other and sometimes there might be normal times between them…”

Mickey looked at him, “And now?”  
“There are meds for it. Monica never took hers and as long as they’re manic they don’t accept or want to hear that they’re sick. We have to… yeah, we have to wait. And then we have to try to get him committed.”  
“Committed?”  
“In a hospital, so he can get a diagnosis and meds.”

Hospital? Psych ward, mental illness and medication? This was all going too fast for Mickey – Ian and he just wanted a little happiness, just a good relationship and now they were talking about mania and depression! He didn’t want this. This couldn’t rain on them too, now. They’ve already been through too much, this couldn’t happen too.

“You want to put him in a psych ward because he switched his job and doesn’t love living in this shithole?”  
“Mick, you wanted to rip his throat out this morning because of his smell.”  
“I know the smell of perverts and clubs. He lied to me for weeks about where he goes every night and then took a shower every night when he came home before coming to bed. What was I supposed to think other than that he cheated on me? And he’s a stripper now and I know the club he’s probably working in, I’ve seen those ‘dancers’ there and how they interact with the men.”, he shook his head.

Lip bit his bottom lip, “So what are you going to do? If you left him now, he probably wouldn’t even register it properly.”  
“So you’re saying if I break up with him, he wouldn’t even care?”  
Lip shrugged, “He’s sick. If we make it to convince him to go to a hospital and then to take his medication, he will be okay. Good old Ian.”  
“And how much of shitty, stripper, semi-cheating Ian do I have to endure until then?”, he shook his head, “Fuck… and if he’s not bipolar? What if he’s just happy and having some kind of early midlife-crisis?”  
Lip shook his head compassionately, “That’s not what this is, Mickey. Now come back inside. Ian didn’t cheat on you, he only switched his job. He needs you, you’re his boyfriend.”

Lip finished his coffee and got out of the car again.

Ian needed him. Was Ian really sick? He didn't want him to be sick, he didn’t want him to be sick like his mother – would that make him Frank? No, Ian would never be his mother. Not Ian. Cute, lovely, grinning Ian… But something was wrong with him, Mickey couldn’t deny that. And either way, he needed him now. Mickey was his boyfriend, he couldn’t simply run away and let him down – what kind of boyfriend would that make out of him?

Lip was in the house again and Mickey sat motionlessly in his car until he was startled by someone knocking on the car door. Mickey looked up and was face to face with Ian, who waved at him and smiled.

Mickey sighed and got out of the car.  
“Hey, you left so quickly this morning. I just came back from my run, are you feeling better now? Not so angry anymore?”  
Mickey looked up at him and shrugged.  
“Don’t be mad at me because of the new job”, Ian put his arm around Mickey’s shoulder and pulled him towards the house, “Maybe I’ll go back to being an EMT later, but now I just wanted something new, you know? And I always thought, it looks like so much fun, what the dancers are doing in the club.”, Ian grinned and kissed Mickey temple, he pushed him into the house, “It’s good money still, and it’s going great. You’ll see everything will be fine”

Ian wanted to bring Mickey upstairs, he took his hand and then noticed Mickey’s wounded knuckles.  
“Oh, no, what did you do there?”  
Mickey just shrugged and wanted to pull his hand back, but Ian pulled him quickly to the kitchen, while loudly shouting through the house: “Wee-woo-wee-woo”, imitating the siren of the ambulance.

He pulled Mickey to the sink in the kitchen and washed his knuckles, Debbie and the newborn Franny sat at the kitchen table watching them confused. Ian dried Mickey’s hands and then quickly skipped through the room and came back with some band-aids, “here, for the real bad ones”, he said and stuck the band-aids to Mickey’s wounded knuckles. Mickey couldn’t even smile about this or find it amusing in any way. Ian kissed his knuckles, “There, all better”

Then Ian turned around to his sister, “Awe, is that Franny? Hi, hello little girl”, he said and came over to the baby, squatting down in front of Debbie, “I’m your uncle Ian and that’s your uncle Mickey.”, he pointed to Mickey.  
Mickey just shook his head exhausted. Though the mug of hot caffeine, he was feeling drained and tired, he went upstairs while Ian was cooing at the baby, Debbie refused to give her to him to hold her.

“It’s so cute, she’s only been born 3 days before Mickey’s birthday, you know? Isn’t that amazing?”, he laughed and turned around to Mickey again, he frowned when he saw Mickey was gone.  
“Where did he go? Where did uncle Mickey go, huh?”, he asked Franny.  
“Upstairs”, Debbie said, “I think he’s pretty mad at you, Ian.”  
“Why?”, Ian asked confused, “I didn’t do anything. It’s okay, I’ll talk to him. Maybe he’s just tired or wants a hug, I’ll go hug him.”

Ian ran upstairs into his and Mickey’s room, where Mickey lay in their bed, looking at the bedside table with the seashells from their vacation for Ian’s birthday around eight months ago.

“Hey, baby”, Ian mumbled and crawled into bed behind him, “Do you need a hug?”  
“No”, Mickey grumbled, “Go away.”  
“But you’ll feel better when I hugged you”, Ian insisted and put his arms around Mickey from behind, “See? All better and warm”, he kissed his neck and chuckled.

He kissed his neck again and kissed up to his cheek, he pushed his hips against Mickey’s ass. Mickey wasn’t in the mood for sex right now, especially not for sex with Ian. Ian grinned and whispered into his ear, “You’re so hot” He pushed down Mickey’s boxer shorts. Mickey lightly pushed against Ian, but Ian only took it as encouragement.

Mickey turned around to Ian, the Gallagher just grinned down at him and kissed him. Mickey pushed against his chest, “’m not in the fucking mood.”, he mumbled.  
“Come on”, Ian whispered, “I’ll do all the work, just relax.”  
“Leave me alone. You’re still stinking like overpriced cologne the oldies from the club are wearing. So, piss off”, he pushed Ian harder and shoved him to the other side of the bed.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The following days were hard. Ian was in the happiest mood as if he was on drugs. He was talking non-stop, he was gone the entire night “working” which led to Mickey not being able to sleep all night until Ian came back home, which lead to Mickey slacking off at work. While Ian loved to talk and laugh about the most random things, he was unable to actually hold a conversation, especially a serious conversation with Mickey, so Mickey stopped trying. Ian was dancing around the living room, turning up the music so loudly, he drowned out Franny’s screams. He started cleaning the house and leaving everything in more chaos than before. He was feeling extremely creative all of a sudden and doodled the entire time in a little notebook he was carrying around with him like it was made of gold.

Mickey was feeling extremely tired the last few days as if Ian was draining Mickey’s energy to be able to stay as energetic all the time. Usually, he liked happy Ian, fucking optimistic-no-matter-what widely grinning Ian.

But not like this.

He didn’t like this Ian.

This Ian couldn’t be serious, even when he needed him to be. He was reckless and wild and he wasn’t thinking before making decisions.

It was the morning of Mickey’s 24th birthday. He wasn’t in the mood for a birthday with the Gallaghers, or even just one Gallagher. He had texted Sandy the day before, asking her to spend the birthday with him, so he wouldn’t have to be around Ian for too long.

The past few years, Mickey was always woken up with a blowjob and breakfast in bed for his birthday. Mickey always thought the breakfast was too much anyway, he didn’t need all of this effort and today, he didn’t really want to talk to Ian.

“Mick, Mick, Mick”, he was woken up by someone poking their index finger into his chest, “Mick, Mick, wake up.”  
Mickey slowly opened his eyes and growled when he saw Ian, who sat on top of him, grinning widely.  
“Happy Birthday, Mickey”, he kissed Mickey on the lips. “Wake up, come on.”, he kissed him again, “Birthday sex is waiting. Hm, I’ll do anything you want. Want me to eat you out? Suck your cock? Fuck you from behind? Tell me.”

Mickey looked up at him, he didn’t have sex with Ian in a while and he was kind of horny. Ian wanted to have sex all the time lately (which seemed to be a symptom) and was reacting frustrated when Mickey told him no. But today was his birthday, and even though Ian made him generally uncomfortable, getting some Birthday sex from a happy Ian was at least a sense of normality.

“Tell me, Love”, he smiled, Mickey smiled up at him.  
“I’m down for some cock-sucking”  
“Oh, yeah?”, Ian grinned and ran his hands down Mickey’s body.  
“Some nipple-pinching”  
“Kinky”, Ian whispered and leaned down to kiss Mickey’s nipple while pushing down his boxers.  
“And then you’re gonna let me ride you.”  
Ian grinned up at him, “Going dominant on me, huh?”

Mickey smirked while Ian pulled his boxers down and started sucking his cock.  
Mickey wanted to ride him to be at least a bit in control again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sandy: happy birthday asshole

Sandy: getting fucking old

Sandy: coming over now

Mickey read Sandy’s texts when he was getting dressed after a shower. Ian was watching him from the door. “Come on, time for presents”, Ian said, he was practically shaking with excitement.  
Mickey sighed and followed Ian downstairs. Lip and Fiona sat at the kitchen table, talking while drinking coffee.

“Morning Mick, Happy birthday”, Lip said and Fiona nodded and raised her mug to him.  
“Thanks”, he mumbled while following Ian nervously. He had a bad feeling, though he wasn’t sure why.

They had spent the last year saving up for their own place. They went cheap on Christmas and anniversary and didn’t have a date at all to save money. Because they wanted to have their own place, just for them. His gut told him, that Ian didn’t go cheap with whatever Birthday gift he was about to present.

“Come, come, come”, Ian said and pulled him through the living room. Mickey was looking back to the other two siblings, who decided to follow them. Ian led him on the porch, “Oh, shit, wait, you should have closed your eyes! Uh, fuck it.”

Ian shook his head and ran down the porch down to the street to a car.  
“Tada”, he said and spread out his arms in front of the car.  
Mickey frowned, “What?”  
“Tada”, Ian repeated and laughed, “It’s your present.”

The three stood on the porch in silence, until Fiona spoke up: “The car?”  
“Yeah, the car”, Ian grinned, he ran back to Mickey, grabbed his hand and pulled him down to the car, the other two followed them, “You were so upset with me so I wanted to buy you something nice to make you happy. Do you love it?”, Ian grinned and kissed his cheek.

“You bought a car”, Mickey stated and looked at him, “With what money?”  
“What money?”, he scoffed and grinned, “Our money, of course.”  
“Our money. The money we saved for almost a year? The money we wanted to use to move out?”, Mickey’s voice got louder and more aggressive with every word.

“I just wanted to buy you a Birthday gift, Mick, what money should I have used?”, he shook his head like it was the most ridiculous thing, “Also, why would we move out at all? It’s fine here, Mick, and your old car is so old, now you have a new one, see, isn’t that great?”  
“No!”, he yelled at him and shoved him against the car, “No, it’s not fucking great! We worked our asses off and didn't celebrate our anniversary properly and you just quit your job and then fucking spent it? What the fuck is wrong with you?!”

Ian looked at him confused like he couldn’t understand what he did wrong. Then he started laughing, “Mick, calm down, I just wanted to do something nice for you. It’s your birthday. Come on, calm down, and I treat you to some pancakes, or pie, Fi when is your shift starting? Let’s go to Fi’s diner and celebrate.”

“Forget it, Asshole! I don’t want to see you today, stay the fuck out of my view or you’re gonna need four brothers to stop me from running you over with that fucking car!”, he yelled at him and then stormed off towards Sandy, who was coming down the street.

Ian was calling after him, but Mickey ignored him, grabbed his cousin's elbow and walked away with her. Meanwhile, Lip was holding Ian back, so he wouldn’t run after Mickey.  
“Let him go, Ian. He’s angry, let him cool off.”  
“But I just wanted to make him a nice present.”  
“But you spent too much money, you should have asked him first how much money you were allowed to spend”, Lip sighed and looked at Fiona, “Fuck, why am I talking as if you’re a fucking child, you know this shit, Ian! Get your shit together! You’re sick, Ian, you need to go to a fucking hospital.”

“Sick? I’m not sick, I feel great”, Ian shook his head.  
Fiona touched his arm softly, “Ian, what we mean, is that we worry about you. We think you should talk to a psychiatrist.”  
Ian scoffed, “What is wrong with you two? I’m feeling great, I’m not sick, I don’t need to talk with anyone”, he shook his head, “Let me go inside. You’re crazy.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mickey and Sandy sat in the Alibi. Mickey was taking shot after shot and then asked for a beer.

“Dude, it’s not even noon.”, Sandy said.  
“So? If you’d know what a fucking week I had you would have brought me enough alcohol to fill that fucking car.”  
“You’re the only Milkovich I know that complains about someone buying them a car.”, Sandy shook her head.  
“You don’t get it, okay? We cut back on all the couple things, dates, vacation, presents, for a whole fucking year so we can move out of that loud fucking house with the infant that is screaming the entire night!”

“I thought you hated the couple things anyways. Dates and stuff.”  
Mickey shrugged, “I’m not a fan of them, but the longer we lived in that house with all of those people, the more I just wanted one night alone with Ian and some fucking diner food. And no matter if I hated them or not, we both worked hard and saved every penny we could to finally move out. And Ian just fucking spends it on a car we don’t need. My old car is fine, the house is not.”

Sandy sighed, “And do you know what’s up with him? Why is he doing this shit?”  
Mickey bit his bottom lip, “His siblings think he’s sick. They think he’s fucking crazy like their mom and want to lock him away in a psych ward.”

“And you don’t think so?”  
Mickey shrugged, “I don’t know. I just know that I don’t fucking want it to be true.”  
“So you’d rather want him to be sane and do all of this shit though he knows better?”  
“No”, Mickey sighed and angrily grabbed his glass, taking a gulp of the beer, “I just want him to be normal again. Just Ian.”

Mickey ran his hand through his hair, “Why does everything have to be fucked up? Huh? What have I done to deserve this? I’m doing everything I can to make this fucking relationship work, I even took an extra beating from my dad and now Ian is supposed to be fucked for life because of some disorder shit? Fuck”

Sandy played with her lip piercing.  
“Who says he’s fucked for life, Mick? Maybe he gets it under control or something. Swallows enough drugs to keep it together”, she shrugged, “But he needs your support.”  
Mickey scoffed, “Why is that all I’m ever hearing? He needs my support, I need to help him, I need to be there for him and blah – while he is messing up our life. I’m fucking done with this shit!”

Sandy frowned, “Do you want to break up with him?”, she asked surprised.  
Mickey bit his tongue and then swallowed, he looked at her and sighed, “I don’t know for how much longer I can take this. He’s driving me crazy and I always end up in situations where I just want to punch his lights out, hoping it would make him normal again. And I don’t want to do that or be that kind of person anymore. But I don’t want this relationship if it’s just me always fighting and giving and being needed. And even if I want it, I don’t know if I can do it for the rest of my life. I mean, look at Frank, his wife has the disorder the others think Ian has. He has six kids he doesn’t care for, is an alcoholic and has a completely fucked up life. I always thought I’d end up just like him until Ian came around talking about love and life and future and made me fucking think, there could be a chance. But there is none. The two years in the Milkovich house were as good as it’s ever gonna get. And now he’s just… I can’t deal with him”, he shook his head, “I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.”

Sandy sighed, “Great Birthday, huh?”  
Mickey looked at her and let out a small chuckle, “Oh fuck, Sandy, I just want to know if this shit is at least worth it. Even if they get him to go to the hospital and then take his meds… this whole family and their problems, I don’t know if it’s worth it anymore. Sometimes I just want to get into my car and drive off.”  
“Drive off to where, huh? Any plan? I come with you.”  
Mickey shrugged, “Find Mandy. She’s got to be somewhere in this country. Maybe I’m just gonna leave them Gallaghers behind and look for Mandy the way I should. One good thing that car has at least – when Ian is annoying me, it looks comfortable enough for me to sleep in there.”

Sandy smiled, “I’d say you can sleep at my place, but that’s your dad’s house and when he sees you in there, he’s gonna decorate the walls with your brain.”  
“Another curtesy of Ian Gallagher being an idiot”, Mickey shook his head and emptied his beer, “Never date a Gallagher, Sandy. All they do is force you to do shit, nag at you and trap you with a pregnancy by faking being on birth control.”, he shook his head.  
“I’ll keep it in mind.”, Sandy mumbled, “You really managed to pick the second most messed up family after our own as in-laws. Congratulations.”  
“In-laws”, Mickey scoffed, “As if Ian could ever again be serious enough about our relationship to marry me, Nah, that’s not gonna happen in my lifetime. Except when he comes up with that one evening while he’s manic and tries to decide whether to drive off to Las Vegas to get married or start a painting class. And yes, right now that seems to be on the same level for him.”

Mickey came home that night when Ian was already at work, he met Debbie on the couch though, who was trying to breastfeed her baby while watching TV.  
“Hey Mick, happy birthday”  
Mickey nodded, “Thanks. How’s the baby doing?”  
“Wakes me up like four times a night and most of the time she doesn’t even have anything, little drama queen.”, she groaned, “This is harder than I thought.”  
“Being a Teen mom isn’t easy-peasy? Who would have thought?”  
“Save your sarcasm”, Debbie hissed, “Heard Ian bought you a car”

“Don’t remind me”, Mickey said, “I heard it’s calming for babies to be driven around in a car. Do you want to buy it from me?”  
“With what money?”  
Mickey shrugged, “Let me give you a life-advice, Teen mom. Never have a shared bank account. With anyone. No matter how great it sounds in the beginning. Not even if you start out having less money and are continuously earning less than the other. It’s just a bullshit idea.”, he sighed, “Do you know where the Laptop is, I have to google how to separate the accounts again.”  
“Kitchen, I think.” 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Buying a new car for Mickey to cheer him up, didn’t work. Mickey didn’t touch the car and still only used his old one, while he planned to give the new one back to get his money back, as soon as he separated those bank accounts, or got his own, new one. He had to do something before Ian drained their account to the last penny.

Why did they have a shared account in the first place?

When they moved together, Ian immediately started working as EMT after graduation, while Mickey didn’t work at all. Mickey wasn’t used to paying for stuff and work for money he needed to pay for stuff. But since Ian didn’t want him to get another conviction, he had to start with that. Before he got a job on his own, he often needed to ask Ian for money when he was supposed to do easy things like grocery shopping, getting take out or going on a date. This was the main reason he got a job in the first place because he hated feeling like the little trophy wife of a rich businessman or something who always had to ask for money to go shopping. When he got a job he was making very little and often spent it pretty quickly, like he had always done it with the checks from the Kash’n’Grab (of which he always had to give half to Terry). So he agreed to join their accounts so it was easier to pay evenly for their household costs and Mickey didn’t have to ask his boyfriend for money all the time. Through this, he also got better at managing money and saving, because he also didn’t want to spend all of Ian's money he worked so hard for.

Who could ever guess that saving-every-penny-Ian suddenly bought a new car and was probably mentally ill?

Mickey started taking up extra shifts at work, in order to avoid being at the Gallagher house and with Ian. He came home after an 18-hour shift, he just wanted to go to bed, he almost fell asleep at the steering wheel on the way home, but on the way, he still got some take out he ate on the McDonalds parking lot.

He tiredly stumbled into the living room, where he met the entire family and Kev and V.  
Mickey sighed deeply when he saw them.  
“Hey Mickey”, Ian exclaimed, jumped up from his seat and hugged him, “How was your day?”  
“Exhausting”, Mickey said pushed him away, “What’s this, an intervention?”, he asked looking at Lip.

Lip shook his head, “You’re not gonna like this.”  
Mickey sighed and looked at Ian again, “What did you do?”  
“I just noticed that everyone is a little tense and in a bad fucking mood the entire time, so I wanted to give all of you a present. I thought they could cheer you up”, he grinned into the round.

No one was smiling back.

Ian spent more money. More money on stupid gifts. Mickey now noticed that a lot of newborn-inappropriate child toys lay around the living room, Franny wouldn’t be able to use them for another few months or even years. Many of the other items which lay on the coffee table just didn’t make any sense for any of them – a pan, oven mitts, a card game, riddle books, glitter pens and an empty flower pot.

Mickey didn’t even have the strength to be upset about this. He looked at the presents and Ian as empty as the flower pot was. Then he wordlessly went upstairs.  
“Mickey?”, Ian asked confused, “Hey, stop running away all the time, don’t worry, I got something for you, too.”

Ian ran after Mickey, who locked himself in the bathroom quickly. He took a few deep breaths and looked into the bathroom mirror. In the past times, he asked himself again and again if all of this was still worth it. He didn’t want to go home anymore after work, he didn’t want to be around Ian. He started brushing his teeth and looked at himself.

He was in love with Ian, wasn’t he? Sure, he still loved him, loved him so fucking much. But not this Ian. He wanted his Ian back. Somehow this Ian reminded him on the time they had fought about Mickey coming out. After the whole coming out thing, Ian had done a lot to show him he could be compassionate. He had been very ashamed for his behaviour on occasion and made sure to always ask Mickey how he was feeling about things. Now all Ian did seem so selfish and didn’t seem to care about anything anymore.

After he brushed his teeth and splashed like five gallons of water into his face, he left the bathroom and went to their bedroom, where Ian was waiting.

“Hey, baby, were you upset because I didn’t buy you anything?”  
“You already bought a fucking car. If I’m upset about anything it’s that you’re spending more money with less thinking.”  
“I just wanted to do something good for everyone, make you happy.”  
“Did anyone of us look happy?”

Ian just shrugged. Mickey scoffed and started undressing, he just wanted to fucking sleep.  
Then he noticed something lying on the bed – Four red roses.  
“I bought them for you. You were saying how we didn’t celebrate our anniversary properly and you brought me a rose on our first anniversary, so… four roses for the 4th anniversary.”

When he saw them in the beginning, he just wanted to hit Ian with the roses. But now… the look of them just made him sad. He looked at Ian softly, “It’s been four years already, huh?”  
Ian nodded smiling.

Four years and for Mickey they were four very happy years actually.  
Mickey sighed and reached his hand out towards him, “Come here”, he whispered.  
Ian smiled, took his hand and came closer to him, also taking his other hand.  
Mickey raised their joined hands and gently kissed the back of Ian’s hand.

“You love me right?”, Mickey whispered.  
“Of course”, Ian nodded, “I love you”, he said and pressed a kiss on his lips.  
Mickey nodded, “Your siblings think you’re sick. They think you have what your mom has, the bipolar, hm?”  
Ian blinked a few times, “But I don’t”, he said and shook his head, “Mickey, I’m feeling great. I’m just happy, is that wrong?”  
“Are you really happy?”, Mickey asked, “Or are you just thinking that? And I can tell you, I’m not happy. I’m really not happy right now Ian, because of the way you’re acting, do you understand that?”

Ian looked at him and it was clear that he didn’t understand. Not at all and it hurt Mickey deeply.  
“Why not? We have each other that’s all that counts, right? So we don’t move out, so what? I don’t want to move out, I love this place, I love this house, my niece is finally here, everything is just great, Mickey. Maybe you’re just too stubborn to be happy.”  
Suddenly, Mickey was feeling far too tired again, he felt so exhausted, so drained, that he could just collapse on the spot.

He let go of Ian’s hands, collected the roses from the bed and put them on the dresser. “Open the window, it feels like I’m suffocating in here”, he mumbled while crawling under his blanket. Ian opened the window and sat on the bed.

“I bought a guitar”, he said, “I want to learn how to play it, then I can sing lullabies for Franny. I don’t know why none of us ever picked up an instrument. I could play something for you, while you fall asleep.”  
“I will smash the guitar on your head”, Mickey growled.  
“It’s okay, I have to go to work soon anyway.”, he smiled, leaned down and kissed Mickey’s cheek, “Good night, Mickey.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was a few days later. The four roses were the first thing Mickey had seen each day after waking up each of those days. They were withering away on the dresser.

Four years. Four fucking years and damn him if they weren’t the happiest years of his life. The days or weeks of this mania thing were nothing against that, right?

The weirdest thing was, when they had times in which they just fought, he had never been this unhappy or lost. When they fought he knew it was still Ian he was talking to, he was fighting with, it was also him he was fighting _for_. But with Ian the way he was right now he felt like he didn’t know him anymore. He didn’t know the person he was talking to, he wasn’t even fighting with him, because he didn’t know how. He didn’t know what he was fighting for here. He didn’t know where it would all go, how it would end.

Mickey forced himself out of bed around noon. He took a long shower, brushed his teeth and tried to come up with a plan to spend the day that wouldn’t require him to stay inside the house. He went downstairs, made himself some cereal and sat down at the table next to Debbie who fell asleep on the table. Franny had kept her awake at night again (shocker). Mickey ate his cereal when Ian came walking quickly into the kitchen, he was carrying the 4 weeks old baby and was playing with her happily.

“Who is your favourite uncle, huh? Who is your favourite uncle?”, Ian cooed at the child, trying to make her laugh. Then he started lifting her in the air, sticking his tongue out to her.

Mickey watched them with concern. Franny was only a month old and Ian was acting pretty wild with her. “Ian”, Mickey said, “Careful.”  
Ian kind of ignored him, he lifted Franny up and down and spun around with her, which she didn’t like at all. When Franny started crying, Mickey just finished breakfast and Debbie was startled awake by her daughter.

“What did you do?”, Debbie asked tiredly.  
“Nothing just played with her.”, Ian grinned.  
“Hold her head, you’re gonna give her shaken-head-syndrome.”, Debbie said.  
Ian laughed and spun Franny around again, Mickey walked around the counter again, so he stood near them, ready to take the child from Ian if he had to. Dealing with a crying infant was bad enough, Mickey wasn’t in the mood for the baby to also have some weird head syndrome.

Ian spun around again, during that he suddenly slipped – he was falling backwards with a sharp yell. Mickey immediately reached for the baby and made it to take her out of Ian’s hands before to the ground, crashing in a kitchen chair in the process.

Mickey was holding Franny, making sure to stabilize her head and rocking her softly, she was crying loudly. Debbie sat at the table staring at them with big, shocked eyes. For a moment everyone was silent except the baby.

Then Ian started chuckling, “Ow, fuck, shit, sorry”, he said and slowly got up from the ground, rubbing his arm, “Oops, come here, Franny, uncle Ian comforts you.”  
“Get the fuck away from the child, Ian”, Mickey said sternly. He turned around and returned the baby to her mother, who calmed her down while quickly going to the living room, guessing what would come now. Fiona and Lip on the other hand came from the living room to the kitchen.

“Are you completely fucking mental?”, Mickey yelled at him, “I’ve had it with you and your bullshit! You quit your job, spent all of our fucking money, act like there is no care in the world”, he was walking towards him and with every step make Ian back off, until he stood with the back against the wall, literally, “And now you can’t even get your shit together when it’s about your own fucking niece?! You almost dropped her, you braindead mushroom!”

Ian didn’t answer, he didn’t even laugh, he became very small in front of Mickey and looked at him with a mix of fear and despair. Mickey grabbed Ian’s arm and then started pulling him forcefully, almost violently, to the staircase. 

“I don’t give a flying fuck whether or not you’re fucking mental, you’re driving me fucking insane with your moods and your laughs”, he yelled and pulled him upstairs to their room, where he pushed him to the ground, took one of their cuffs out of their bedside table and cuffed Ian’s wrist to the bed, “You’re staying right here where you can’t mess up anyone’s life anymore! I’m gonna give back that fucking car, separate our bank accounts, then I’m gonna burn something down and when I come back you either got your shit together or I’m moving out! You hear me? I’m not gonna have a relationship with whatever the hell you think you are!”

He slammed the door to the room and then stormed out of the house.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no idea how bank accounts in the US work and I have in general no idea how joined bank accounts work. I'm sorry if those parts are complete bullshit but smh I didn't think of it as important enough to google it 🤷🏻♀️


	9. Nighttime

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I guess, a little TW for depression etc

Lip wanted to let Ian calm down for 10 minutes before going upstairs. He was confused that Ian hadn’t made a sound since Mickey dragged him into their bedroom.

When he entered the room, Ian sat on the ground in front of the bed, his wrist was cuffed to the end of the bed. He sat there quietly, just staring at the ground in front of him. He didn’t look up when Lip came in.

“Ian? Are you okay?”, Lip asked softly. Ian looked up, he was biting his lip hard, sitting there like a lost puppy.   
“Where is the key for the cuffs?”, Lip asked and generously ignored that Ian and Mickey kept black, fuzzy cuffs in their bedroom.   
“On the dresser.”

Lip went to the dresser, where some roses were withering away, he took the tiny key and opened the handcuffs. Ian quietly crawled into bed.   
“Are you alright, Ian? How are you feeling?”  
Ian just lay down on his pillow and pulled Mickey’s pillow against him.   
“I want Mickey”, he mumbled.

Lip nodded, he could guess that Ian was currently going from manic to depressed.   
“Do you know where he went?”   
Ian shook his head, “Wanted to give back the car I think.”   
Lip nodded, “Okay, I see what I can do to get him back here.”

“Tell him, I’m sorry”, Ian said sadly, when Lip turned around.   
“Okay.”   
“And that I love him.”   
“Sure, Ian. Take a nap, yeah?”

Lip went to the door.   
“Highschool Bleachers.”, Ian said suddenly when Lip wanted to close the door.   
“Huh?”   
“Try the Highschool bleachers. He said he wants to burn something down.”

Lip didn't really understand what the Highschool bleachers had to do with this, but he just promised him to go to the Highschool bleachers and left the room.

Lip told his siblings to leave Ian alone for now and left the house.

He needed a while until he arrived at the Highschool bleachers by foot. He wondered what he was supposed to say to Mickey. Bipolar was a hard thing to deal with, he couldn’t force Mickey to take care of Ian like this. And Mickey obviously didn’t understand the disorder or Ian, much less was he able to handle it. Restraining Ian to the bed definitely wasn’t a long-term solution.

He got to the high school field and already heard a deep, dark ‘clonk’ noise over and over again as if someone was hitting against the metal posts of the bleachers with something.   
Lip needed some time to locate the noise but eventually found Mickey hitting a thick tree branch against the bleachers, until it finally broke in half and Mickey hurled them away.

“You know, in wood versus metal, wood will always lose.”, Lip said. Mickey looked up.   
“Yeah? Maybe I should slam your head against this, see if it works better”

Though the obvious threat, Lip walked up to him.   
“The fuck do you want? Leave me alone. I’m done with you fucking Gallaghers!”   
“I talked to Ian.”   
“Yeah, how did you do that? There a secret to get through to that scrambled brain?”, Mickey barked and now grabbed a stone from the ground and threw it against the metal post, it bounced off and flew into Lip’s direction like a bullet. Lip quickly jumped out of the way.

“Could you stop that?”   
“No”   
“Ian calmed down.”   
“Oh did he know?”   
“If I made an educated guess, I’d say he’s slipping into the depressed episode now. You said, he already had those, you remember? You know how to deal with them.”

Mickey looked at him, “I don’t know anything anymore!”, he yelled at him, “I don’t know who that fucking man is at all! I don’t know why I fucking bother! Why me, huh? Everyone is coming to me ‘ _uh you have to take care of him wah-wah_ ’ Fuck you!”

“I get that you’re frustrated, Mickey, but he needs you. You’re his boyfriend.”   
Mickey scoffed, “I’ve been his boyfriend for the longest fucking time. He doesn’t fucking care who I am or if I’m there.”   
“That’s not true.”, Lip said, “I know it’s frustrating and it’s hard and shit, but it can be okay. This isn’t a death sentence. We just need to get him through the depressed episode now and then have to convince him to go to a hospital.”

Mickey shook his head, got a pocket knife out of his jeans and went to the metal post, where he started scratching off the blue paint. Lip looked at him confused and walked over to him. In the metal post, at the spot against which he hit with the stones and the thick branches two initials were scratched deeply into the metal.

**I + M**

‘ _Highschool bleachers. He said he wants to burn something down_ ’ – now Lip realised why Ian thought of the High school bleachers when Mickey wanted to burn something down. He meant their relationship as a whole.

“He doesn’t have control about the things he does. You can’t be too mad at him because of them.”   
Mickey stopped with the pocket knife against the metal and looked at him with raised eyebrows.

“Oh, can’t I? What about your mom? Aren’t you allowed to be angry with her and hate her? She’s sick, ain’t her fucking fault she forgot you in the park in winter and always ran away, so GET THE FUCK OVER IT!”

Lip stepped back from Mickey.   
“That’s something different, okay? Monica had like 30 years to get her shit together and take her meds regularly, but she never did. If we get Ian the medication he needs, he will be okay.”   
“Fuck that. If your mom didn’t make it, why should Ian?”   
“You’re not like your dad either, are you?”

Mickey scoffed, “Aren’t I? Have you any idea how fucking close I was to beat Ian’s head in during the last month? Half an hour ago, I shoved him into the bedroom and cuffed him to the bed, you know who does that? My dad! If he’s losing control, I’m losing control. And he’s so fucking exhausting and draining and frustrating – how am I supposed to keep my shit together? Huh? And why do I always have to do everything for him? Why am I supposed to sit quietly next to him while he ruins our relationship? It may be fucking hard to believe, but I still have some dignity left. I’m not gonna let him walk all over me for the next years, the way Frank let Monica do it.”

He turned around and tried to erase the initials from the metal post, but it was carved too deeply into the post too many years ago, he yelled in frustration and threw the knife away, “Why won’t this shit come off?”

The two men stood in silence for a few minutes, while Mickey was just desperately staring at the carving.

“I get it, you know?”, Lip said eventually, “I don’t want to deal with this again, either. I’ve been trying to help Monica all my life, I’m tired of it too. We can’t ask you to deal with this either, you’re right, it’s not fair in the slightest. Ian is mentally ill, and yes, he needs you, but it’s not fucking easy, so… if you want to leave, you should leave. We can’t promise that it will be easier, that Ian will take his meds regularly, we just can’t. If you want to go, we’d all understand it and Ian would understand it too.”

Mickey shook his head and breathed out of his nose.   
“And where am I supposed to go? I gave up everything for him. I can’t go home, because my dad is there and after Ian made me come out, he would kill me rather than let me sleep in the house again. I burned the only place where I always went when I couldn’t take it anymore at home, because of how Ian was treating me at the time and how he was talking about the place. And Ian spent all the money I earned on a fucking car, toys and a guitar, so I also can’t get even the deepest shithole as my own place.”

Lip shrugged, “The car looks quite comfortable, you could sleep in there.”   
Mickey let out a humourless laugh, “Yeah, sleep in there, while Sandy and I drive across the country looking for Mandy. While the original plan was for me and Ian to get our own apartment and have a future. Fantastic.”

Lip sighed, “When I uncuffed Ian, he told me, I’m supposed to tell you that he’s sorry. And that he loves you. He knew right away I’d find you here because he knows you and he does love you. And I bet my fucking scholarship that he’s gonna have major depression for the next couple of weeks, so… at least no money spending and dancing in the club. Just think about it.”, Lip said and then left the bleachers.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mickey didn’t know what to do with himself. Four good years seemed to be flushed down the toilet within a month. He felt like he _had_ to go back, _had_ to help Ian, be there for him. But at the same time, he felt so exhausted by all of it. Why was he the one who had to help and support? Who supported him?

It always had to go the way Ian wanted it. Ian barely ever apologised for his behaviour or at some point became aware that he was acting shitty in the past. Sure, it happened, but always very late and with only a few apologies.

Part of Mickey wanted Ian to lie before his feet and beg for forgiveness, beg him to not leave him, apologize and cry his eyes out about what he had done. Part of him just wanted his lovely, cuddle-addicted boyfriend back who made him feel comfortable and at home wherever they were.

And then there was a part of Mickey, a tiny part of Mickey that started to grow bigger and louder, that wanted to see Ian fall. That wanted Ian to have a problem, a crisis like this – like Mickey usually had them. That wanted Ian to know what it felt like being lost, without a home, uncomfortable, exhausted, sad and angry without being able to express these things properly. He should know how it felt, how Mickey felt, and then he would see how fucking lucky he really was to have Mickey (if Mickey was still there then) and then he should come crawling on his knees, begging him. Begging and crying and promising to be there for Mickey too, the way Mickey needed him to be.

Mickey was shocked about that part of him. He had never wanted to see Ian suffer before. Everything he did in his youth, he did to prevent Ian from suffering through him.

In his own way, Ian had been there for him when he needed him. In the two years, they’ve lived alone in the Milkovich house, Ian was there when Mickey needed him. Mickey wasn’t used to being vulnerable and show Ian he needed him, sometimes he wasn’t aware he needed emotional support, but somehow, Ian had always known immediately what Mickey needed and got it done – from couple evening without the Milkovich girls over comfort food to a nice massage, Ian was always happy to provide.

But what was asked of Mickey now, was bigger. The siblings were convinced, Ian had a mental illness, the same mental illness their mother had. Whether or not Mickey wanted to believe this or accept this, something was going on with Ian that Mickey couldn’t handle on his own. And he didn’t know for how much longer he could endure it.

Mickey spent the whole day driving around and thinking. He had tried to give the car back, but it didn’t work, but at least he made it to make an appointment with the bank. At some point, he had no energy to drive anymore and parked in front of the Gallagher house. He stayed inside the car and looked at the house for hours, waiting for every light to be turned off.

It was around midnight when he finally entered the house again. There was no clear decision on his part, but given that he felt so uncomfortable in here that he rather stayed in the car, which he hated than come in, he felt like he had to get some stuff and get out of here. Maybe just for a few days or weeks, a temporary separation from Ian, family and house. He quietly went upstairs on his tip-toes and snuck into the bedroom.

He could barely make out the lump in the bed, which must be Ian. Mickey had brought a trash bag from downstairs, he went to the dresser, opened it and started to pull his clothes out, the trash bag rustled loudly, so Mickey tried to be as quick as possible while putting some of his things in, at least the things he could make out in the dark. Eventually, he got sick of it, took out his phone and used it to shine some light on the things he wanted to take with him.

When he turned around, however, he could now see Ian clearer too. His boyfriend wasn’t sleeping as Mickey thought. He was wide awake and stared at him out of wide, dark eyes. Mickey could even make out tears on his undoubtedly red face.

Mickey looked at the sad figure in the bed, how he was holding on to Mickey’s pillow for dear life. He wasn’t prepared for this. The picture made his heart hurt deeply in his chest, he felt like the muscle was cramping up, for a moment he thought, he was having a heart attack and he wondered if this was what it felt like when your heart broke.

He let the bag fall.

What the hell was he doing here? This was still his boyfriend. And if he was still Ian somewhere deep inside, then he was still the love of his fucking life. And the love of his life didn’t deserve to be left in the middle of the night, in the middle of a break down in a time of need.

He looked at him sadly and turned the light of his phone off. He put it on the bedside table, slowly opened his pants and took them off. He pulled back the blanket and climbed into the bed. He gently took the pillow from Ian, lay down on his back and looked at Ian, who was still crying silently.

Mickey lifted his arm and pulled Ian to him, who scooted closer and lay his head on Mickey’s shoulder, wrapping his tired arms around Mickey’s body.  
“I’m sorry”, he whispered under tears, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry”, over and over again, while his tears got more and his voice became high pitched and desperate.   
Mickey didn’t say anything in return, he just kissed Ian’s forehead gently, rubbed his arm and whispered “Shht”, to calm him down.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If Lip was correct, Ian has had two “depressed episodes” within the two years they had spent at the Milkovich house. For Mickey, they had looked like burn-out and seasonal depression, that’s all. Ian didn’t like to be touched when he was like that, he wasn’t hungry and almost had to be force-fed at some point. He didn’t shower and barely got out of bed, every step he took seemed to exhaust him.

Mickey and Ian both stayed in bed the entire next day. Every now and then they scooted closer to each other and one was holding the other for about thirty minutes before Ian couldn’t take the touching anymore. Fiona was so kind to bring each of them some water and a sandwich (which neither of them touched).

The second day, Mickey had to go to work again. When Mickey woke up, Ian lay a bit further away from him again. Mickey rolled on his side and looked at him. He seemed much calmer now, he wasn’t asleep, just lay there, eyes half-closed, breathing steadily.

“Are you awake?”, Mickey whispered, although he knew he was.   
Ian opened his eyes slowly and looked at Mickey.   
“How are you feeling?”   
Ian looked down again and pulled his blanket closer around him.

Mickey leaned to him and gently kissed his forehead, “I have to get up and go to work.”, he told him slowly and left the bed to go to the bathroom.

Mickey could deal with Depression. He had done it twice already with Ian, he witnessed and taken care of Mandy when she was depressed several times throughout her teenage years and he remembered seeing his mother like this too when he was young and he always brought a bowl with soup to her bed.

It wasn’t easy, by all means. He had to take care of his mom, Mandy and Ian like they were children, had to make sure they ate, while they stayed in bed and barely talked or moved. Mickey was worried about them the entire time, definitely, he was going through hell – but he at least knew how to deal with it.

About that manic stuff? He didn’t know shit about it. He didn’t even know for sure if Ian really was bipolar. Ian was out of control when he was like that, he was spiralling out of control the entire time, endangered everyone and himself and couldn’t be serious about anything. Mickey didn’t know what to do, how to calm him, how to not freak out. When Ian was depressed, that was awful, but Mickey at least felt like he was able to help him, even if just a little bit.

He took Ian’s toothbrush, put some toothpaste on it and brought it to the bedroom. He squatted down in front of the bed, looking at Ian, “Brush your teeth”, he mumbled, Ian just looked at the toothbrush, so Mickey took his hand and put it into his hand, “Come on, at least 20%, freckles, hmm? We talked about this, you remember? A bit is better than none.”

Ian looked at him for some time, before slowly opening his mouth and putting the toothbrush in. He was sucking the paste from it, rather than brushing, but it was enough. Mickey helped him sit up a bit when he gave him his glass of water and then gently put him down again. He brought the stuff back to the bathroom when he noticed Fiona standing in the door to their bedroom, watching him. 

“Hey”, Mickey mumbled while rinsing the toothbrush and getting a fresh glass of water for Ian.   
“Hey, you made him brush his teeth?”   
Mickey nodded and looked at her, “You maybe know better than me what’s going on when he’s running around buying gifts for everyone, but I still know what to do when my boyfriend’s low.”, he said to her, went back to the bedroom and closed the door. He put the glass of water on Ian’s bedside table, then started to get dressed for work.

Before he left the room, he tucked Ian in under the blanket properly and half-opened the window to get some fresh air into the room.   
“I have to go to work, okay? I’ll be back in a few hours. Try to eat something today, yeah?”, he whispered and kissed his forehead, “Everything will be okay again, hm?”   
Ian looked away but reached his hand out to pull on Mickey’s shirt. Mickey smiled, reached over the bed and took the old shirt he had discarded before his shower and gave it to Ian, “Here. Sleep some, you’ll feel better soon.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

All of the Gallaghers and their neighbours expected Mickey to walk out on Ian. Especially after the incident with Franny when Mickey ran away and Lip came home saying “I think that’s the end with them”

But Mickey stayed and while the last month of dealing with Ian had seemed to be a living hell for Mickey, he took care of depressed Ian with love and care and, if the siblings dared to think it, _ease_. Now, taking care of someone clinically depressed wasn’t easy by any means, the only thing the siblings witnessed that they thought was ease, was Mickey being calm again. He didn't freak out about Ian's behaviour, didn’t almost punch hit lights out, didn’t even raise his voice around him, not once. It became very clear that Mickey had experienced Ian in this state already.

Lip was more surprised than anyone, when he came home on the weekend and found Mickey in the kitchen, cutting a sandwich into tiny squares, that Ian could eat without much effort.

“You’re still here?”, he said bluntly, making no effort whatsoever to hide his surprise.   
Mickey only shrugged, “Right where I’m supposed to be”, he mumbled.

Mickey went upstairs, went to their room and closed the door. Ian was lying under the blanket with a collection of Mickey’s shirts that he had worn during the week. The room was smelling bad, though Mickey always opened the window, the only movement Ian had enough stamina to perform seemed to be closing the damn thing again.

Mickey opened the window, which told Ian that he was in the room, Mickey couldn’t see whether he reacted at all. He sat down on his side of the bed started pulling the blanket away slowly, so Ian could get used to the light. Ian hadn’t bathed or shaved in a week, soft gold-red hairs had taken a permanent stance on his face.

“How can you even breathe in there, huh?”, Mickey whispered, “I’ve got some food for you, you didn’t touch the dinner last night. Look, they’re nine pieces, You have to eat at least two. I’d be very happy if you ate three though.”

Ian looked at him tiredly. Mickey pulled Ian to him, so his head lay on his thigh. He gently stroked over his cheek and waited for Ian to take a sandwich square. When he didn’t, but also made no move to push the plate away, Mickey picked one of the squares and fed it to Ian. Ian let him feed three of the squares to him, before turning away. Mickey nodded and let him scoot away.

“How are you feeling about giving up on a few of those shirts? I need to wear them at some point. They’re just smelling by now. Either the shirts have to go or you let me put you into the bathtub.”   
Ian held the collection of shirts close to his chest.   
“You’ll get other ones, here, you can have the pillow for now.”

Mickey took off his jacket and his shirt, put the jacket back on and then traded the pillow and the ‘fresh’ shirt for the old shirts.   
“Good, okay”, Mickey said and smiled down at him, “Everything will be fine, we’ll be fine.”, he whispered and touched Ian’s wrist. He zipped his jacket up and left the room again with the dirty shirts.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ian didn’t know what day it was, or what time it was. He only determined time and day by the amount of light and people in the room. It was in the middle of the night, Mickey was asleep in the bed, Ian was awake because his little niece Franny cried again in the middle of the night and woke him up (Mickey was somehow sleeping through it, or at least tried to)

Ian at some point stood up to go to the bathroom. It was about one of the only things he stood up for during the last weeks: Bathroom and maybe get a snack in the middle of the night, which he then didn’t eat after all.

Somehow Ian found himself on the last few steps on the staircase to the kitchen. He wasn’t sure anymore why he came here. He felt so heavy like he couldn’t take another step like he couldn’t hold himself upright anymore. He stumbled down the last two steps and to the kitchen counter. Now, how was he supposed to get upstairs again?

Ian turned and looked on the ground in the kitchen, in the corner sat someone... a lump of sadness sat there, gasping for air, coughing. Ian flinched back – was that Monica? It couldn’t be, he hadn’t seen her in a long time, why would she just sit in their kitchen?

He rushed to her, Monica was looking at him, gasping, Ian almost slipped in a liquid that was covering the ground – blood. He suddenly could smell the blood and Ian almost became sick. Monica lay here in the kitchen with slit wrists, blood pouring out of her body like a tidal wave and Ian could do nothing against it. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mickey woke up in the middle of the night, he wasn’t sure why. He didn’t hear a baby crying or anyone screaming, he didn’t wake up because of those things. He turned on his back and then he noticed it – Ian was gone. Mickey quickly sat up.

The spot next to him in bed was still warm. He couldn’t be gone for long. Mickey quickly got out of the bed and went to the hallway, not one lamp in the entire house was switched on, the bathroom was empty too.

Where was he?

Mickey snuck downstairs, “Ian?”, he whispered, “Are you down here?”   
Mickey tried to hear anything since he could barely see anything in the dark.

There was a low whimper coming from the kitchen counters. Mickey slowly approached the space and there, pressed into the corner sat Ian. He had his knees pulled up to his chin.

“Hey, what are you doing here?”, Mickey whispered and sat down in front of him, something shiny caught his eye. He gently took Ian’s wrist and raised his hand, he was holding a knife. His stomach cramped up suddenly, his mouth went dry – this never happened before.

Mickey slowly took the sharp kitchen knife from his boyfriend’s hand, “Give that to me, that’s good.”, he whispered, put the knife on the counter, and took both of Ian’s hands, stroked his thumbs over Ian’s wrists but found them still undamaged. Mickey let out a breath he didn’t realise he was holding.

“Freckles, you almost gave me a heart attack”, he mumbled and then hugged him tightly, pushing his face into Ian’s shoulder, for a moment ignoring whether or not Ian was okay with this kind of closeness.

Mickey pulled back from him and sat next to him on the cold floor, “What are you doing here, huh?”   
Ian didn’t say anything, he just leaned against him, and Mickey was sure, if he would move away, Ian would just fall over and lie on the floor for the rest of the night.

Mickey stayed in this position for about thirty minutes, until he tried to stand up, pulled Ian up too, which was fairly difficult since Ian was generally heavy but right now was like a wet bag of sand. He knew he couldn’t bring him upstairs, so he led him to the couch and made him lie down there. Mickey put a blanket on top of him, tightly tucking him in.

“What were you doing down here? In the kitchen?”, Mickey whispered worriedly.   
Ian looked at him, “My mom”, he said so lowly, Mickey could barely understand him.

Right, Monica, when Ian was sixteen, Monica slit her wrists in the kitchen on Thanksgiving. Ian had told him about it half crying when he visited him in juvie afterwards.

“Hey, Freckle, listen”, Mickey whispered and took his hand, “Listen to me, you’re not your mother. Yeah? Your siblings may think you have the same disorder she has, but you don’t. I don’t believe it. You will be fine, you’re just feeling a little low, right? You felt low before, didn’t mean you’re sick forever. You will be okay again.”, he kissed the back of Ian’s hand, “ _We_ will be okay again. Take your time.”

The same night, Mickey wasn’t able to sleep anymore, so he collected all the knives and kitchens in the house and hid them in a box he put on top of the fridge (yes, he had to climb on a stair to put it up there).

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It took until late September until Ian’s depression faded again, which was good timing because Mickey was at the end of his strength. 

Ian had made progress throughout the week, talking, walking around more than before. That afternoon in late September, Mickey came home from Work and found Ian in the kitchen cooking dinner.

“Hey, you’re out of bed”, Mickey said to him softly.   
Ian looked at him and smiled lovingly under his red beard, he ignored the food, came up to him and hugged him tightly.   
“I love you”, he whispered and it sounded so desperate as if he had wanted to say it for weeks now, but couldn’t, “I love you so much, I’m so sorry.”   
“Shh, we talk about it later, upstairs. The food is burning.”

Ian stepped back and looked to the ground in what Mickey could only describe as shame. So Mickey stepped closer to him again and kissed his cheek, “Show me what you’re having there?”

Ian nodded and went to the pots, “Made your favourite, tried at least.”, he mumbled.   
Mickey’s favourite food, outside of greasy fast food and jello, was pasta with a special pepper-tomato meat sauce with Ukrainian influences. He had the original recipe from his mother, who made this for them all the time, usually, she made it in bulk and froze the rest of it, so they still had something to eat, when she wasn’t there or they had no other way to get their hands on new food. When people talked about “comfort food” in cooking shows, Mickey thought about this sauce his mother made. He also used it to actually “comfort” people, Ian learned the recipe from him when they were living in the Milkovich house together and Mickey cooked for him when Ian was upset about something.

Mickey took a spoon and tasted the sauce. Ian looked at him in anticipation. Mickey smiled at him, it tasted pretty good.   
“You’re getting better at this”, he said with a smile, “Burned the peppers a bit though, huh?”   
Ian shrugged and looked at the ground again.   
“It’s pretty good, Gallagher.”, Mickey assured him. 

The whole evening, from cooking over dinner where he had to answer a bunch of questions from his siblings, Ian looked extremely nervous and ashamed, always glancing at Mickey and moving his hand towards him to touch him, but then pulling back again, not daring to touch him after all.

Mickey stopped the siblings from talking about the bipolar disorder though. He told them, he wanted to talk about it with Ian alone at first, hear how he experienced the time and what he thought was going on.

Eventually, they were both in their room with brushed teeth and in their sleeping clothes. Mickey sat on the bed, leaning against the headboard. Ian was sitting on the edge of the bed by Mickey’s feet.

“We have to talk about it now, don’t we?”, Ian mumbled.   
“Yeah”, Mickey sighed, “So, about the job and the money-“   
“I’m sorry”, Ian interrupted him, he pulled his knees to his chest, “I’m so sorry. I don’t know what was wrong with me. I just felt so happy and… light. Like nothing could go wrong. I thought people find me hot at the club anyway, so I could also make money with that, right? I know it was wrong and also that I spent our money, I’m sorry”

Mickey looked at him sadly, he tipped his foot against Ian’s body. Ian looked up, Mickey spread out his arms and Ian crawled over the bed to him. Ian put his head against Mickey’s chest and Mickey wrapped his arms around him.

“Do you know… why you did all that? Why you felt like that?”   
Ian shrugged, “I was just happy. I just felt good and I wanted you to feel good too, and I thought giving you a nice birthday present would make you happy too.”

It was such childish logic, but Mickey almost felt bad when he thought about how angry he had gotten when Ian bought the car.   
“I know it was wrong, I should have never done that, we had plans for the money”, he mumbled, “I promise it won’t happen again”, he looked up at him, “I promise I will never do something like that again, Mickey, just please don’t leave me”, he pleaded, “Don’t leave me, I love you so much.”

Mickey ran his hand through Ian’s red hair and touched the beard he was sporting softly.   
“Your siblings think it’s more than that.”, he mumbled.   
“More than what?”   
Mickey bit his lip, “They think you might have that bipolar shit your mom has.”

Ian sat up and looked at him with fear, “No”, he disagreed quietly, “No, I don’t. I’m not like my mom, I promise.”   
“They say, it looked very similar to your mom being manic. They want to put you into a hospital and get a diagnosis and meds.”   
Ian shook his head fiercely, “Okay, I – I freaked out and I did things I shouldn’t have, but I’m not like her. We all did stuff like that once or twice. Because of Fiona Liam almost overdosed on cocaine and, and she spent money on dumb projects and things – no one is putting her into the psych ward! What I did was bad, but, but it won’t happen again. I swear, I’m not gonna let it happen again. I’m not like her, I’m not like her”, he said desperately and Mickey quickly took him into his arms again, soothingly running his hand over his back.

“It’s okay, Ian, it’s alright. Maybe you’re right, maybe it’s not that disorder thing… you were just in a good mood, right?”   
“Yeah, I was just in a happy mood, I made a couple of mistakes, but I will make up for them. I’ll be the best boyfriend you ever had, care for you like you always cared for me, just don’t leave me.”, he begged.

“And the last few weeks?”   
“I was just… I was sad. Because you said, you’re moving out and because I made you so angry. I’m so sorry, Mickey”   
Mickey shushed him softly and leaned down to kiss the top of his head.

“It’s okay, freckles, everything’s gonna be okay. I love you, yeah? Though you’re driving me insane sometimes. Everyone can freak out from time to time, it’s damn near impossible to stay sane around here. Maybe you were just excited about your niece.”   
Ian nodded, “Yeah, I was really excited about her. I’ve seen her today, she’s so cute.”   
Mickey nodded, “And loud. You’ll learn that tonight.”

Mickey sighed deeply, “Okay, when was the last time you took a shower, huh?”   
“This morning.”   
“Wasn’t very thorough then, was it? You fucking stink, Gallagher, basically didn’t shower in a month, you need more than a short morning shower. You’re gonna take a bath, a fucking long one.”, Mickey said and left the bed.

Ian followed him into the bathroom, where Mickey turned on the water.   
“It’s a bit cold, but it’s gonna make you clean”, he said and looked at Ian, “Don’t just stand there, put your new job to use: strip.”   
Ian smiled softly and took off his clothes. Red hair was growing across his chest down to his navel and further down to his pubes. 

Ian noticed Mickey staring and bit his bottom lip, it was probably the first time he was insecure about his looks. Mickey just smirked and told him to close the door, so the others wouldn’t disturb Ian’s bath.

“Now move your ass in there”, Mickey said, Ian climbed into the tub and Mickey sat down on the edge, “I’m just gonna put all of the girls' soap in here”, he shrugged while squirting amounts of Debbies and Fiona's body wash into the water, “You’re gonna smell like a vanilla cupcake throwing up on strawberry lipstick.”

“It’s cold”, Ian mumbled.   
“Yeah, live with it”, Mickey smiled and threw a sponge at him, “You get those layers of sweat and dirt off your body, I try to wash the grease out of your hair. Could very well just heat it up and deep-fry a corndog in there.”, he shook his head.

Ian chuckled at him, while Mickey wetted Ian’s hair and poured shampoo on his head, he softly massaged it into his hair.   
“I could get used to this”, Ian said, “Under different circumstances, this would be a great foreplay…”   
Mickey just smiled and shook his head, he rinsed Ian’s hair out and then washed it again, just to be sure to get all of the grease and dirt out of the birds' nest Ian called hair.

“You gotta wash your dick, too, Gallagher, don’t wanna know what’s been growing under all that foreskin.”   
“Ugh”, Ian made and playfully aimed his elbow towards him to hit him, but Mickey laughed and moved out of reach, “You’re disgusting, my hygiene wasn’t _that_ bad.”   
Mickey rolled his eyes, “Better safe than sorry”, he said, “After all, is it me who has to take it in his mouth in the end.”

And Ian laughed. It was the first time in a while Mickey heard him laugh, really laugh, and it sounded so different from his “crazy laugh” his “manic laugh” or whatever the hell it was. It sounded like small, happy teenage Ian saying he didn’t Mickey's cum on his sour candy. Mickey smiled and rested his face against Ian’s wet hair. 

After about an hour and a half of scrubbing him clean, Mickey helped Ian out of the tub and gave him a towel.   
“Shit, I’m freezing”, Ian mumbled and looked into the mirror, “I need to shave and cut my fucking hair.”

Mickey stood behind him and looked at him through the mirror, “I like it”, he shrugged and combed his fingers through Ian’s red, slightly longer hair, “Look like a lion.”

Ian grinned, “Yeah? Do you want the beard to stay, too?”   
“Kinda yeah. It looks nice on you, kind of… finishes your face”, he said thoughtfully.   
Ian looked at him funnily, Mickey smiled.   
“You look fucking hot, that’s what I’m saying, Freckles. Just have to shave it so it looks clean.”, he said and kissed the back of his neck. 

Ian smiled and took the electric razor, Mickey watched him while he trimmed his beard and cleaned the edges. Mickey really liked this look on him. When Ian was finished he washed his face and dried it with a towel before turning around to Mickey. He smiled dearly at him and kissed him.

They quietly returned to their bedroom and crawled under the covers together, Ian finally took him into his arms again and let Mickey be the little spoon, so he was right where he belonged again.

“Mickey”, Ian mumbled after a while of lying in darkness.   
“Hm?”   
“Are you sure we will be okay… our relationship I mean? You’re not gonna leave me?”   
“As long as you don’t pull that kinda shit again like buying a car out of nowhere, it’s unlikely that I go anywhere”, Mickey whispered, “But you gotta do your job as boyfriend, too”

He just blurted out the last part, his brain too tired to stop it from coming out. Over the time Ian was a little crazy and hyper, Mickey had felt so let down in many ways, left alone, too. He needed Ian to make up for that. Mickey knew that from outside he was assigned the role of the guy who wasn’t good enough and never did enough. But in reality, he worked extremely hard for this relationship since second one onwards and he just wanted to be able to rely on Ian again. He always could rely on him in the past and be sure Ian would understand him (if Mickey communicated his problems in the right way) and even when Ian didn’t understand what was wrong or what upset Mickey, he always tried to make up for it, comfort him somehow. That was how their relationship used to work not too long ago. Mickey needed that back – the security, the comfort.

Mickey didn’t feel like elaborating on his sentence and he hoped Ian wouldn’t ask about it. Ian just kissed the back of his neck and whispered, “You only deserve the best. I’ll try to be.”


	10. It's gonna be our Honeymoon

Ian’s birthday was in late October.   
It’s been a weird month in a way. Ian didn’t dare to touch or pick up Franny. He was quiet and spend a lot of time ‘just thinking’ as he called it, what looked a lot like staring into nothingness while having an existential crisis. The siblings still wanted to send him to a hospital “If he’s fine they're gonna tell us and we can be happy, if he’s not fine, they’re gonna tell us and we can deal with that” – but Mickey didn’t want to hear any of it and neither did Ian. Both just repeated “I’m not Monica” and “He’s not Monica” over and over again.

Mickey didn’t let any of the siblings get to him, they tried to remind him of his feelings during the “manic phase” but Mickey didn’t want to hear it. Ian and Mickey were good at denying this to the core. _“Manic? No, just happy, hyper, it was bad, I know, but it won’t happen again” “Depressed? Look where we’re living and there were so many mistakes made, who wouldn’t get depressed about it?”_ – They seemed to reassure each other in these lies and comfort each other with them. In a way, they valued the “healing” of their relationship over Ian’s mental health.

Ian quit his job at the club again, but the siblings wouldn’t let him go back to being an EMT just yet “not until we know for sure, what was going on with you” which was hard, since Ian refused to get examined.

So he spent the entire day doing chores, watching TV and trying to make everything good and right for Mickey. Ian has never been out of work since he has been 13 years old. This was new and he didn’t know what to do with himself. The house was pretty clean during that time since Ian cleaned up while he had nothing to do. When Mickey came home, he was eager to make him feel good: Hot tea, massages and cuddles, no matter if Mickey really needed them or not.

Ian was desperate. Desperate to convince his siblings he was not bipolar, desperate to keep Mickey. He had nightmares about Mickey saying he’d move out, about him leaving through the door again.

Ian had never experienced the threat of losing Mickey before. There was a time he thought about leaving him – but now, years later, being left by him? The knowledge that one mistake could lead to losing this man for good made him go a little crazy. “You’re gonna burn out if you keep it up.”, Mickey had said multiple times while Ian asked what he needed over and over again, almost starting to cry when Mickey did so much as roll his eyes at him. 

Now it was late October, pumpkin season, which led to Mickey calling Ian _Pumpkin_ lovingly from time to time, because when they spent their first Halloween in the Milkovich house together, Ian got super excited about pumpkins and carving faces into them, while his hair colour resembled the pumpkins perfectly.

Mickey woke up slowly, he noticed that it was fairly bright in the room, and he woke up on his own – but he set an alarm so he could wake up before Ian and start his birthday properly. Mickey quickly grabbed his phone to check the time, did he oversleep that alarm? He turned to look at his boyfriend, but he didn’t lie behind him in the bed. Confused, he sat up and spotted Ian sitting on the bed by Mickey’s feet.

“I switched off your alarm last night”, he said.   
Mickey looked at him confused, “Why?”   
Ian shrugged.   
“I wanted to wake you up properly for your birthday.”   
“I know”   
Mickey sighed, “And you didn’t want that?”   
Ian shrugged and gnawed on his bottom lip.

“Come over here”, Mickey mumbled and waved Ian over to him, he hesitantly came to him, “Under the blanket, Pumpkin, it’s fucking cold.”   
Ian crawled under the blanket and lay half on top of him, snuggled against him.

“Happy Birthday”, Mickey mumbled and kissed Ian’s forehead.   
“Thanks.”   
“I don’t have work today, any birthday wishes? Wanna go somewhere, do something? Nothing too expensive if possible.”

“No, don’t want anything.”   
“Nothing?”   
“No”   
“But it’s your birthday”   
“Enough money has been spent because of me.”   
Mickey sighed deeply, “We can do something that doesn’t cost money. We never had money when we were fucking teenagers, we don’t need that shit now to have fun… I could take you to a pumpkin patch, you always wanted that.”

Ian shook his head.   
“No? Buy a pumpkin and cut funny faces into it?”   
Ian shook his head again, “Just want to lie here. And forget about birthdays.”   
Mickey sighed deeply, “You know… you made mistakes, yeah, but that doesn’t mean you have to punish yourself for the entire year. You don’t need to feel too guilty to have a nice birthday.”

Mickey kissed his forehead, “Come on Redbeard”, he grinned, “Let’s get you some nice pancakes downstairs. We can spend the whole day having sex if you like, or get you some nice, tiny, baby-pumpkin, those you like so much.”   
Ian smiled up at him, “I love you.”   
“Love you too”, he kissed his lips.   
“Take a shower with me, together?”, Ian asked.   
“Sure, Pumpkin.”, Mickey grinned.

After their shower, they went downstairs to the kitchen and Mickey started making cinnamon pancakes while the rest of the siblings congratulated Ian. Ian had told them before, he didn’t want any presents from them. To at least give him something, all the siblings put together for a small present they insisted on. Mickey didn’t pay much attention to the whole thing, he just prepared the pancakes while remembering, how happy Ian used to be about those tiny pumpkins they always had at the stores around Halloween.

After breakfast, Mickey dragged him to a store for ‘grocery shopping’ hoping they would have those baby pumpkins Ian loved.   
“So, what do you want for your birthday dinner? I could afford some diner date for the two of us, or we cook something.”   
“Whatever you think is better”, Ian said shrugging.   
“It’s your birthday, Redbeard, you get to decide, come on, I don’t need to tell you how these things work… No one’s gonna put you into a psych ward because you’re in a good mood, you can have them, ya know? It’s your birthday, your family got you a present, your boyfriend blew you under the shower this morning – no reason to not be happy, is there?”

Ian looked at him and smiled slightly, “No. I am happy, Mickey, I’m thankful for all of it… just don’t know if I deserve it.”   
Mickey rolled his eyes and leaned his head back, “You deserve it, and now I don’t want to hear anything about it anymore. You’re allowed to be as fucking happy as you want to be. Yeah? You made a few fucking mistakes a couple of months ago, now enjoy your birthday.”

Ian looked at him for a long time without saying anything.   
“What?”, Mickey asked confused.   
“You didn’t forgive me yet”, he stated, it wasn’t a question or an accusation, just a plain fact like ‘ _the sky is blue_ ’   
“Yes, I did.”, Mickey said and shook his head, he kept walking further into the store since they’ve just been standing by the entrance for five minutes. Ian followed him.

“You don’t trust me though”, he said, “I know it, not like you did before. You think I will freak out again and ruin everything.”, and now it sounded like an accusation after all.

Mickey stopped walking, grabbed his arm aggressively and looked him in the eyes, “Listen, you little shit”, he hissed, “I have no fucking clue what was going on with you and there is a chance it is a fucking illness that will make you do it again and again. Make you freak out, make you be reckless, make you cheat on me and then make you slit your wrists. And I can only hope it’s not, so yes, I’m a little stressed out about that. The only reason you’re not in a psych ward right now is that I trust you when you say it’s not a disorder and you can handle it. I’m not gonna force you to go to a hospital if you don’t want it, that’s as good as it’s gonna get with the two of us until we’re clear on what’s going on. So, will you be fucking happy now or do you want me to leave?”

Ian looked to the ground ashamed, “You’re hurting me”, he mumbled.   
Mickey looked at his hand, that was squeezing Ian’s arm tightly, he let go of him, sighed disappointed in himself and rubbed Ian’s arm, “Sorry. But stop accusing me of things that are your own fault. Over there are the pumpkins. You want one?”

Ian looked up to the corny display of Halloween pumpkins, placed in fake hay bales and decorated with plastic ivy and grapes, white ghost puppets and paper bats hung above them and Mickey knew, when Halloween was over they would simply remove the bats and ghosts and use the display for Thanksgiving.

A small smile appeared on Ian’s face and he walked towards them like a little kid. The years before, Mickey wasn’t keen on getting those pumpkins, cutting faces in them made a huge mess, and Ian and Mandy had used the insides of the pumpkins to make pretty disgusting meals – Mickey had to eat oversalted pumpkin soup until Christmas three years ago and since then he was pretty sure he developed an allergy against pumpkins.

There were some especially perfectly round, tiny orange pumpkins this year. Ian picked one up and smiled at it, “This looks perfect, doesn’t it, Mick?”, he asked and showed it to him.   
“Yes, perfect, Gallagher. You want it?”   
Ian looked thoughtfully at the others, “Wait, I have to check all of them, imagine there’s an even better one and I overlook it now. I don’t want to choose the wrong one.”   
Mickey smiled at his boyfriend, “We can buy more than one”   
Ian looked up at him with wide eyes, “Really?”   
“Sure, it’s your birthday, Pumpkin”, he smirked, “As long as you don’t make me eat them, get as many as you want. I’m sure Liam will help us carve some faces into them.”   
“You’re carving Jack-O-lanterns with me this year?”   
Mickey nodded, “If that makes you happy.”   
Ian smiled, went over to him with the pumpkin in his hands and kissed him.

The ended up buying three of the baby pumpkins. Ian insisted on giving them names, which Mickey found deeply unsettling since they were about to cut off their top and carve their insides out to then cut holes into the bodies of little Luna, Meghan and Dylan.

At home Liam, Ian and Mickey turned the pumpkins into Jack-O-Lanterns for the upcoming Halloween. While Liam and Mickey were cleaning up the mess in the kitchen, Ian was googling “recipes with pumpkin” and every time he read something out loud, Mickey just pulled a face.

Eventually, Ian and Mickey lay down on the couch together, where Ian kept reading out recipes. Mickey just watched his face, taking in every small smile he could catch. He kissed Ian’s cheek to distract him from the disgusting sounding pumpkin food, he stroked his knuckles against Ian’s beard, which inspired Ian’s newest petname _Redbeard_ , which made him sound like a pirate – a sexual fantasy Mickey exploited greatly in the last months. It usually included handcuffs, white linin shirts and Ian wearing boots… only boots. Some boots were made for walkin’ – but theirs were made to speak in a British accent and fuck Mickey’s brains out (though they didn’t even resemble pirate boots, but Mickey didn’t give a fuck)

“You still like the beard, huh?”, Ian mumbled, Mickey smirked and kissed his face repeatedly, until Ian giggled and put his phone away to give his boyfriend his full attention, “Is it because you can’t grow one yourself?”   
Mickey sat up and crossed his arms in front of his chest, “Yes, I can”   
Ian chuckled, “So, you choose not to?”   
“Yeah, obviously.”   
“Weird, I’ve basically never seen you shave in the three years we’ve been living together. Lil’ Baby Face.”

Mickey grabbed a pillow from behind him and playfully hit Ian with it, “What was that, huh? You wanna repeat that?”   
Ian laughed underneath him, while Mickey sat with all his weight on his chest.   
“Babyface”, Ian repeated and laughed when Mickey attacked him with the pillow again.   
Ian grabbed his waist and turned them around on the couch while laughing, so Mickey was lying underneath him and Ian could kiss his face that really wasn’t capable of growing more than an itchy stubble every once in a while. Ian threw the pillow Mickey was hitting him with over the couch and cupped Mickey’s cheeks.   
“Your hands smell like pumpkin.”   
“I know”, Ian grinned.   
“I hate it”   
“You don’t”, Ian said and kissed him again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

All in all, it was fine, October went by, Halloween came and went. November was cold as fuck and Mickey took advantage of the fact that Ian was big enough to curl himself around Mickey, keeping Mickey in a warm cocoon at night.

It was in the middle of the night in the middle of November, that Mickey was woken up by the deep, screechy sounds of an untuned guitar. Mickey sat up confused and looked around the dark bedroom. Ian sat on the blanket in the middle of the bed with the light of his cell phone’s flashlight and played the guitar he had bought in July with a bunch of other toys. He hadn’t touched it since then, just looked at it guilt-ridden from time to time.

“Ian?”, Mickey asked groggily.   
“Hey, Mick”   
“What are you doing?”   
“Couldn’t sleep, so I thought I could learn playing this, always wanted to play an instrument. Isn’t it crazy that none of us ever learned to play something? Frank plays the piano, I don’t know how he ever learned that he’s not exactly patient.”   
“Ian, it’s the middle of the night”   
“It’s alright, go back to sleep.”   
“I can’t sleep when you’re playing that dead cat thing right next to me. Go sit on the porch, play there.”   
“Okay”, Ian got up.   
“Grab a sweater, it’s cold”, Mickey mumbled lay back down.   
Ian nodded, took some warm clothes and left the room. 

Mickey woke up the next morning, the memory seemed like a dream to him now, and shit, he hoped it was just a dream. He bit his lip and felt the space in the bed behind him: it was empty and cold. Ian couldn’t sleep last night. Ian randomly picked up the hated guitar and started playing in the middle of the night, not caring about who he might wake up.

Mickey pulled the blanket closer around his body. He knew what this was. It was starting again. Ian would behave like in July again. Mickey curled up in himself underneath the blanket.

He could hear Ian singing somewhere downstairs. It was starting again. It was happening again. Mickey knew he couldn’t handle this a second time. He couldn’t go through this again, their relationship wouldn’t be able to endure it.

“I should have forced him to go to the hospital. I should have just listened to the others and brought him there.”, he thought to himself. He stared at the closed door. He wanted it to stay closed for the rest of the day. He didn’t want to look into the Gallaghers' faces. He didn't want to see and experience Ian like this again. He didn’t want this. He just wanted to stay in his bed and hide from the whole world forever.

Downstairs, Ian had abandoned the guitar a while ago, he had shaved off all his beard and buzzed off almost all of his hair, looking like 17 again, and had spent some time around six a.m. in the attic looking for colours. He was determined to give the hanging cabinets in the kitchen a new design. He drew a bunch of flowers on one cabinet when the siblings slowly came downstairs one by one, by now he was drawing dicks while having a laughing fit.

“Here, this is mine”, Ian pointed the brush at the biggest one on the cabinet, “This is Mickey’s and this fat fucker is Roger Spikey.”, he winked at Lip. Debbie put a hand on Franny’s eyes, which made Ian laugh because in no way did Franny know what dicks are or could even process the pictures she saw, neither would she remember them. Lip convinced him to overpaint the dicks after all again since all the cum coming out of them didn’t go with the kitchen, “Maybe I can paint it on the bedroom wall, I’m sure Mickey would like it”, he had giggled.

Fiona and Lip sat next to each other at the table, watching him.   
“Where’s Mickey?”, Fiona asked lowly.   
Lip shrugged, “Haven’t seen him. Do you think he bolted again?”   
“Car’s still outside”, Carl said, who luckily had abandoned his black-kid-at-heart phase by now.   
“So, what, is Mickey still in bed?”, Fiona asked confused, “No way he slept through this.”  
Lip shrugged, “Maybe he left but without the car. He was two working legs.”

“Oops”, it came from the kitchen, Fiona didn’t even want to look.   
“I go look for Mickey”, she said and went upstairs, so Lip and Carl had to deal with Ian spilling paint all over the floor.

Fiona knocked on the door to Ian and Mickey’s room but didn’t get an answer. She slowly opened the door and looked into the room.   
“Mickey?”   
She noticed a person lying in bed hidden under the blanket. She walked further into the room.

Mickey stared into nothingness in front of him, the blanket pulled up to his chin.   
“Mickey?”, she asked again. Mickey didn’t answer, she waved her hand in front of his eyes. It reminded her terribly of Ian’s depressed episode.   
“Are you okay? Listen, Ian’s downstairs repainting the kitchen.”   
Mickey now looked at her.   
“We can’t get him committed to a hospital against his will, you know? He won’t listen to us alone, maybe you could talk to him?”

Mickey looked at her for a moment and then just turned away from her to the other side and pulled his blanket over his head.   
“Okay”, Fiona mumbled, “It’s hard, I know.”

Fiona went downstairs again and pulled Lip aside.   
“And? Is he still there?”, Lip asked.   
“Yes, but he looks depressed”, Fiona whispered while looking at Ian, who was making faces at Franny.   
“Depressed?”, Lip whispered back.   
“Yes, he just lies in bed, not talking.”   
“Great, now they’re both sick”, Lip mumbled, “Doesn’t Mick have to go to work today? Should we call for him?”   
“Since when is Mickey Milkovich our responsibility?”   
“We ask him to take responsibility for Ian, don’t we?”   
“If it weren’t for him, we could have convinced Ian to get committed while he was normal. Mickey said no. Now, he has to deal with that choice.”, she checked her phone, “I have to go to the diner, can you handle this?”   
“Handle this? I have a course this afternoon, I have to go back to college.”   
“Mickey and I are the only ones in this house that earn any money, I’m picking up as many shifts as possible. When he’s now also out of work, we’re going down. I have to go to work, maybe we can call V over to keep Ian from setting the house on fire. I’ll call her on the way.”, Fiona said and went to Debbie and Franny, while Debbie went back to school Fiona took Franny to the diner with her most of the time. Debbie gave her daughter to her sister, at the beginning of this arrangement she never really wanted to give Franny away. But right now she seemed desperate to get Franny away from Ian.

After Fiona, Franny, Debbie and Carl were gone, Ian was rushing through the living room again (he didn’t give the paint mess in the kitchen a second glance), Lip followed him.

“Hey, Ian where are you going?”   
“I didn’t take my run this morning yet, oh fuck, I missed the sunset, did you see my hat?”   
“Whoa, slow down, come here”, Lip grabbed his arm and pulled him to him, “Are you aware where your boyfriend is?”   
“Mickey? He’s asleep, I think.”   
“He’s not asleep, Ian. He’s upstairs in the bedroom, he’s very upset.”   
“Upset? Why would he be upset? Nah, I’m sure he’s just hungry. Hungry Mickey and upset Mickey are easy to mix up. I’ll fix him some sandwich.”

Ian rushed over to the kitchen again and laughed at the paintings on the kitchen cabinets. Lip sighed and followed him.   
“Ian, he’s not hungry, he’s sad because you are manic again.”   
Ian looked at him and laughed at him, “Manic”, he shook his head, “I’m in a good mood, can’t I be in a good mood.”, he took some bread and other stuff he wanted to put on the sandwich.  
“Since when are you up?”   
Ian shrugged, “Three?”   
“And what were you doing?”   
“Playing the guitar”, Ian shrugged, “I’m getting pretty good at it.”   
“You’re not. Ian, your boyfriend is depressed because of your behaviour. Do you understand what that means?”, Lip said sternly, “You have to go to a hospital. There they can help you. If you don’t, that man up there will leave you. Do you get that? Mickey no boyfriend anymore. Mickey gone. Ian has to go to hospital or Mickey gone.”

Ian looked at him, “No he won’t”, he grunted, “What’s your damn problem, huh? Mickey loves me, he at least accepts me how I am and doesn’t want to tell me that I’m sick every time I’m happy.”   
His excitement turned over into anger within a split second, while he slapped ham on the bread.

“Accepts you? No, forget it. He takes care of you because he loves you and man, you’re losing that love big time right now. Last time, he ran out and wanted to sleep in the car rather than come back home and he chained you to the bed. He’s enduring this, not accepting it. And he’s not gonna endure it for long. You need help, Ian. This is not the end of the world, you don’t have to end up like Monica if you take your meds.” 

“I’m not Monica. We all do stupid shit, I don’t see you shipping off Fiona to the psych ward for giving Liam cocaine or Debbie for becoming pregnant with fifteen! I’m not Monica anymore than they are.”   
“You’re completely denying that you have a problem and need help, that’s literally Monica Gallagher 101. You need to get professional help, Ian, that’s not the end of the world. What’s more important to you, your pride or your relationship with your boyfriend and family? Think about that and bring your boyfriend that damn sandwich.”

Lip left the room angrily. Ian looked after him and growled. He put the sandwich on a plate and went upstairs.

He went into the bedroom and sat down on the bed next to Mickey.   
“Hey, baby. I thought you might be hungry.”, he said and proudly presented the sandwich.   
Mickey turned away from him. Ian leaned over him and looked into his eyes, “Hello? Babes? Are you tired? Do you want a hug? Are you cold?”   
Mickey just pulled his blanket over his head so he didn’t have to look at Ian.

“Are you sad? Don’t be sad. Wait I can cheer you up.”   
Ian jumped from the bed, rushed downstairs and took his guitar before running upstairs again.   
He sat back on the bed with a grin, “I’ll sing you a song to cheer you up, how about that? Wait.”

Ian started strumming the untuned guitar, underneath the blanket Mickey put his head underneath his pillow.

“ _Mickey, Mickey, happy Mickey, don’t you go be sad!_  
 _Just go eat your sandwich up then you won’t be mad!_  
 _Lovey-dovey little hubby, are you icy-cold?_  
 _Let me heat you up real ‘quick… uhm… then we’re getting old!_ ”

Lip heard Ian singing from downstairs, he felt sorry for Mickey. Sure, Mickey should have convinced Ian to go to the hospital and get a diagnosis and meds – but Mickey was the least experienced with this disorder out of all of them, and it probably scared him shitless.

Lip went upstairs, “Ian”, Lip hissed, “Let him alone, come out.”   
“No, I’m just cheering him up, let me alone.”  
Lip sighed, “Ian, I don’t have time for this, I have to go to college, come out of there, leave him alone.”   
“No, get out. Fuck off, Lip, we don’t want you in here, it’s our room.”

Lip looked from Ian to Mickey under the covers and back. He sighed and shook his head, he didn’t have the nerves or time for this. He closed the door and left the two men alone.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ian and Mickey were alone for the majority of the day. Mickey didn’t feel like he had any strength in him anymore. Every noise that Ian mad that Mickey could connect to the mania made Mickey flinch and getting smaller. Mickey had no idea what kind of mess Ian was making in the house, but Fiona was freaking out a lot when she got home.

This whole house was just too stuffed, too full, too loud. Ian was too sick, too exhausting, too draining.

Mickey lay in his bed and was going through police messages again about missing women, found bodies, domestic abuse victims. He was also checking news from St. Louis every once in a while, which, arguably, didn’t make a lot of sense, since Mickey expected Zach to have taken Mandy far away from their last known address, but it was the only clue Mickey had on her location. 

Mickey was desperate for news from his sister, as much as he was desperate for Ian to be normal again.

He was scrolling through the published photos of clothes and possessions of a found body, female, Caucasian, age 20-25, 5ft5, bleached hair with dark roots, blue eyes. It was shocking how many young, small, blue-eyed women were found dead in America all the time and how many of them were not missed or recognized by anyone. Green sweater, white jacket, dark jeans, Mickey-mouse socks, brown boots, thin gold necklace, wide green bracelet, dangling gold earrings, silver ring with a black stone.

Mickey suddenly sat up in bed. He looked at the ring, zoomed in on the picture, looked over every detail. He knew that ring. He knew it pretty fucking well, it belonged to Mandy. For a moment Mickey thought he was getting crazy too now. He quickly searched through the gallery on his phone to find a picture of Mandy wearing that ring, okay, that wasn’t hard, she wore it every single day since she was five, and she got it from their mother shortly before she died. But he needed a picture on which he could see the ring clearly.

He finally found one, it was taken by Ian, on a day Mickey got out of Juvie, he was doing his signature pose, showing off his knuckles so they said FUCK U-UP, Mandy stood next to him doing the same pose, holding her knuckles into the camera, the ring clearly on display. It was definitely the same.

For a second Mickey felt a sudden relief and joy that he finally found a sign of his sister, but then the horror of the situation washed over him. There was a woman found dead in St Louis, fitting his little sister’s description wearing the ring she would never give away.

Mickey felt sick to his stomach and if he had eaten anything today, he probably would have thrown up now. Mickey swallowed hard and went back to the official message by the police and called the hotline. He told them that he recognised the ring and the woman could be his sister. They asked him to come in. He said, it would take him around five hours, but he definitely wanted to come right away. They agreed.

Mickey just now realised, that it wasn’t evening or night as he thought, it was just November and it got dark fucking early. Mickey got out of bed, brushed his hair and teeth, splashed water into his face, got dressed and rushed out of the house. He probably passed some of the Gallaghers on his way, but he barely registered them.

He arrived at the police station around 9 pm. He was sent into a room where two female detectives were waiting: Palmer and Peaks.

“You are sure the ring you saw is your sister’s ring?”, Palmer asked.   
“Yes, I’m sure, I have a picture of her with the ring here”, he handed his phone over, “The picture is like seven years old. I can prove it too if it’s her ring there’s an engraving on the inside.”

Peaks and Palmer exchanged a look, then Peaks handed him a small plastic bag with the ring inside. Mickey looked at it shocked for a moment. This was the closest he was to Mandy in over a year. He took the plastic bag from Peaks and read the name engraved on the inner side. Mickey nodded, “It’s our mother’s last name. She gave it to her before she died, Mandy would never give it away.”

Palmer and Peaks exchanged another look.   
“Mr Milkovich when was the last time you saw our sister?”   
“Last year, uhm, beginning of July. She moved from Chicago to St. Louis with her boyfriend. She stopped replying to my and, uhm, her best friend’s texts and calls. Last year in late September I went to the address she gave me before their departure, but they already moved again at that point and none of her colleagues or neighbours could tell me where they went.”

“And you have no idea where she might be? Not even a hunch?”   
“No, none. I think that boyfriend of hers is… controlling her, took her away, I have no idea where she could be, and I barely knew the guy.”   
Palmer looked at the photo Mickey had shown her on the phone again and sighed, “I don’t know… the photo is seven years old, with bleached hair… maybe”, she said to Peaks.   
“Mandy would never give that ring away.”, Mickey interrupted them, “Never.”

Peaks bit her lip and looked down at the sad and desperate man, he was biting his lip while staring at the ring.   
“Mr Milkovich would you be ready to accompany us to the morgue and identify the body?”   
Mickey was rubbing his forehead but nodded. He was clutching the plastic bag with the ring while he followed the two women. He checked his phone for a second and noticed several missed calls from every Gallagher kid, except Ian. He ignored them.

Mickey has been in morgues a few times in his life, to steal bodies for various reasons with his family and recently he’s been in them to try identifying women in cities a few hours away from Chicago.

Mickey always was cold in these places, for one because the rooms were naturally chilled, but also a weird coldness came over him every time he was about to look at a dead woman that could be his sister.

And right now, Mickey was freezing. He pulled his jacket closer around his body. The ring was Mandy’s. She would never give it away. It was found by a body. With every step, he took the realisation weighed down on him more: He was about to identify his own little sister. This time for real. She was dead.

He felt dizzy while following the two women, he could barely see where they were going, just walked after them like a zombie. Eventually, he found himself standing in front of a body under a white sheet, the medical examiner was waiting for a sign to remove the sheet.

“Mr Milkvoich?”, the ME said, “Are you ready?”   
Mickey nodded briefly and bit his lip hard when the sheet was pulled away. The woman in front of him had bleached hair, her eyes were closed, her skin was sickly pale. She barely looked human to Mickey, she looked like a rubber doll. But she didn’t look like Mandy.

Mickey stepped closer and tried to look straight at her face... if the hair was black… no, the nose was off. The face shape was off, the mouth was off.

“It’s not her”, he said, he stepped back from the body and he looked at the ring in the plastic bag again, “It’s not Mandy.”   
“Are you sure, Mr Milkovich?”   
“Yes, I’m fucking sure”, he growled aggressively and stormed out of the room. Outside he let himself fall on one of the blue plastic chairs. He propped his elbows up on his knees and put his face into his hands. He felt even dizzier now and wanted to throw up something, but he didn’t eat anything all day.

“Mr Milkvoich?”, Palmer said softly and sat down next to him.   
Mickey bit his lip and ran his hand through his hair, “Don’t get me wrong”, he mumbled, “I’m glad my sister is not dead. It’s all just a bit much right now… my partner is mentally ill, my sister just vanished from the earth with a guy who is probably abusing her, and now her ring appears on a random body?”, he shook his head.

“Maybe she needed money and pawned the ring”, Palmer said.   
“No, she would never”, he shook his head, “You don’t get it…”, he bit his lip again, “Mandy and I are the youngest of our siblings, well, our whole siblings, so my mom’s children. Mandy was very young when she died, she can barely remember her, the ring is the only thing she has from her. She would never give it away, not voluntarily. She wore it every day since she was six. She paraded it around the southside on a necklace, once some older girl stole it from her and me and my brothers beat her up to get the ring back for Mandy. She would have sold a kidney before pawning the ring.” 

Palmer sighed, Mickey looked at her, “Can I take this home with me? It belongs to my family.”   
“I’m sorry, no. It’s an open murder investigation… we will note down your name and address and after the investigation is closed we can send the ring to you.”, Palmer held out her hand so Mickey would give the ring back.

For a moment Mickey considered, running out with the ring. But he knew he wasn’t able to outrun Palmer or Peaks right now, he was feeling too sick, too exhausted. He sighed deeply and hesitantly gave the ring back.   
“Promise I’ll get it back. It’s a family heirloom.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mickey spent a few more hours in St. Louis. He smoked a few cigarettes, ate a sandwich and slept in his car. Early in the morning, he watched the sunrise from his car. Ian loved sunrises, especially when he was manic. It couldn’t go on like this. He had to bring Ian to a hospital if he wanted to or not.

He couldn’t promise anyone anything about staying with Ian, taking care of Ian through all of this. He didn’t know if he was strong enough for this. But one way or another, Ian needed help.

He arrived back at the house around noon. He walked up the steps to the porch and took a deep breath. Ian will go to the hospital today.

He opened the door and stood in the middle of what seemed like an intervention already. Ian sat on the couch with a scowl while Fiona and Lip were talking down on him. They stopped and turned to the door when Mickey came in. He briefly wondered, why they weren’t at work or college.

“Where have you been?”, Fiona asked. Ian jumped up from the couch and hugged Mickey.   
“Finally, Mick, tell them I’m not crazy!”   
Mickey gave the siblings a look and then turned to Ian.

“Ian, listen, you have to go to a hospital. You’re not having control over yourself, you need to get help.”   
Ian looked at him angrily and shoved him away from him, “Et Tu, Brute?”   
Mickey rolled his eyes, “Don’t be so fucking dramatic, Ian. You need to get help."  
“No! Leave me alone, I’m fine! I’m not crazy! Maybe you’re the one who’s crazy”

Ian wanted to storm off, but Mickey grabbed his arm and shoved Ian against a wall.   
“Listen, you little fuck! You’re gonna pack your things and then I’m gonna drive you to the fucking psych ward and you’ll get help. I don’t give a fuck anymore if you want it, either you come with me voluntarily or I’m gonna knock you out and put your body on the steps of the next nuthouse so they can deal with you there!”

Ian looked at him shocked. “Now, go, upstairs, get your things”, he barked and pushed Ian upstairs. He watched him like a hawk while he put his things together. Downstairs Mickey led him outside. Mickey took his things from him, opened the door to the back of the car and put the bag into the car when he turned around to Ian again, a fist suddenly landed in his face and he felt himself being pushed into the car and then the car started driving off.

Mickey needed some time until he was capable of moving and seeing again. His face was pulsating with pain. He groaned and looked around confused. He sat up, he was lying in the back of the car, Ian was sitting in the front, driving.

“Ian?”, Mickey mumbled.   
“Good, Mick, you’re awake.”   
“Ian, what are you doing? Did you fucking hit me?”   
Ian only blinked and did not react to the accusation.

Mickey crawled to the front of the car and sat on the passenger seat.   
“Ian, turn around, you have to go to a hospital. “  
Ian laughed, “Hospital, no”, he shook his head, “I promised I would never again let either of us be locked away. Never. We’re going somewhere nice, Mickey, somewhere warm where no one wants to lock us away.”

“Ian, we don’t want to put you into a fucking prison, okay? We just want you to be healthy again.”   
“I am healthy”, Ian grinned, “I never felt better, Mickey”

Mickey looked around, the side of the road was covered in snow and Mickey knew, any dangerous action could end in a car crash. He would have to wait until they stopped if he wanted to use force to get Ian’s ass back to Chicago. He probably should put him into the trunk and drive him straight to the next nut house.

“Well, where are we going?”, Mickey asked.   
“Callie”, Ian grinned widely, “There’s no snow in California, just summer sun, drinks and the ocean.”   
“Why California of all places?”   
Ian laughed, “Why California? You remember how happy we were last year, Mickey? So happy at the beach, just the two of us. And you hate the cold and snow, Baby. We’ll have a great honeymoon in California.”

“Honeymoon?”, Mickey exclaimed and looked at him shocked.   
Ian nodded, “We’ll have the best time there, Mick.”   
“Honeymoon”, Mickey repeated and wondered if Ian still knew what that word meant.   
“Yes”, he laughed, “You know what, let’s go to the courthouse and get married. Right now.”   
“Are you mental?”, Mickey yelled at him, “I’m not gonna marry you like this. Why would I want to be married to you, huh? You fucking asshole, turn around and go to a hospital!”

Ian looked at him.   
“Look at the fucking street, bitch!”   
Ian flinched and looked at the road again. "No reason to scream, I just thought if you loved me you’d marry me too.”

Mickey shook his head, “Listen to me Ian, I want you to remember this very clearly when you’re normal again: I won’t marry you. I won’t ever marry you if this is what I have to keep up with. Mania, Depression, no hospital, no meds – no fucking wedding. No fucking relationship.”, Mickey said coldly and leaned back in the car seat.

Ian didn’t say anything, he switched on the radio in the car and started singing to the music and Mickey wanted to smash his head on the steering wheel.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Man, I’m hungry”, Ian said finally.   
“Do you have money on you?”, Mickey asked condescendingly.   
“No”, Ian shrugged.   
“You want to drive to our honeymoon without planning anything, taking money, food, clothes, asking me to marry me in the first place. I’m impressed.”   
Ian laughed, “I’ll think of something.”

Somewhat later, they passed a little store and Ian stopped the car down the street.   
“What are you doing?”, Mickey asked confused.   
“I’m getting us something to eat. Any wishes?”   
“You said you don’t have any money on you.”   
Ian just laughed at him, “So, what do you want to eat?”   
“Ian, you’re not seriously about to rob the store, are you?”

Ian shrugged and got out of the car, Mickey got out too and went around it, he grabbed his boyfriend’s arms.   
“Ian, stop! You’re not robbing that store. They probably got cameras and then they’re not only locking you away in a psych ward, but they’re locking both of us up in prison.”   
Ian laughed again and wrapped his arm around Mickey.   
“You look so cute when you’re mad.”

Mickey sighed sadly, “Ian please, let’s go home. I can’t handle this on my own, I need you to get help.”   
But his words didn’t even get through to Ian, he just kissed him playfully.   
“I’ll get us something to eat.”  
Mickey shook his head, “I got money”, he said, “Let’s find some McDonalds and get some food from them.”   
Ian grinned at him, “And then we’re going to California?”   
Mickey swallowed and nodded defeatedly.

Ian cheered and kissed him again, he got back into the car. Mickey bit his bottom lip and followed him.

It was freezing cold outside and Mickey wondered if they would freeze to death in the car on the way to California. Ian just decided on impulse with everything he did, he was determined that they “will arrive in California at some point as long as we keep driving west”

When Ian got tired he stopped the car away from the road and pulled Mickey on the back seat.   
“Ian please, let’s drive home. This is a stupid idea.”   
Ian just chuckled and kissed him, “Why? We’re having so much fun. Let’s have more fun, it’s not a honeymoon without a lot of sex.”   
“It’s not a honeymoon at all”, Mickey mumbled, “Ian, I’m not in the mood to fuck. It’s cold and you’re…”, he shook his head.

Ian ignored him and kissed him, “I’ll do all the work, Babes.”, he opened Mickey’s pants and stuck his cold hand into his pants. Mickey hissed.   
“Your hands are cold, bitch.”   
“They’ll get warmer”, he said pulled Mickey’s dick out, he started jerking his dick and kissing Mickey. He pushed Mickey into the corner of the back seat and tried to find a position in which he could suck his cock.   
“Ian, I’m not in the mood.”, Mickey mumbled.   
Ian chuckled, “You not in the mood, you’re always in the mood.”

Ian looked at him and he bit his bottom lip, he didn’t have the strength to fight him right now. Maybe he would stop on his own when he noticed Mickey wouldn’t get hard. Ian eventually pulled back and looked at him confused, “What the hell, Mick?”   
“I told you I’m not in the mood”   
“Tss, you used to be able to fuck women, and now you’re not getting hard for your own boyfriend anymore?”   
“First”, Mickey said and sat up, “I’m not a teenager anymore. Second, it’s fucking cold and third, I don’t want _you_.”   
Ian frowned at him, “But I’m horny.”   
“Then jerk off”, Mickey said and closed his pants again.   
“Baby, please”, Ian kissed him, “I need you so badly. Blow me”, he reached for Mickey’s hand and led it to his crotch.

Mickey sighed and nodded, “Whatever”, he mumbled, Ian pulled his pants down and Mickey started sucking Ian off. Afterwards, Ian lay down on the backseat and pulled Mickey against him to sleep. Mickey couldn’t sleep, he was cold, he was upset, he felt sick. When he was sure, Ian was asleep, he slowly detached himself from Ian. He looked for his phone and got out of the car.

The Gallaghers had, of course, called him a thousand times already. It was in the middle of the night, he didn’t know if anyone would pick up the phone right now. He went through the contacts on his phone between calling Fiona and Lip, the decision wasn’t hard.

He called Lip. Lip picked up rather quickly for it being around 3 am.   
“Yes?”, he sounded tired.   
“Lip, it’s Mickey”   
“Mickey, finally, where the fuck are you?”   
“I don’t know somewhere west from Chicago… hopefully.”   
“Hopefully?”   
“I don’t know, Ian said he wants to drive to California and drives west, I don’t have a fucking clue if he actually did so.”   
“What happened at the car earlier? It looked like he just pushed you into the car and drove off.”   
“He hit me”, Mickey said and bit his lip, he looked into the car, “He almost robbed a fucking store today.”   
“What is he doing now?”   
“Sleeping. For now.”   
“Then use your fucking chance, Mickey! Get your ass behind the wheel and drive back to Chicago.”   
“He’s gonna wake up as soon as I move the car.”   
“I don’t know, strap him to the backseat, cuff him, something. Just bring him back.”   
Mickey looked into the car again, Ian was still sleeping soundly, “Alright, I’m on my way.”

Mickey hung up, opened Ian’s car door and stole the keys out of his jacket pocket. If he would have used his old car he would have some cuffs in his trunk, but this was the new car. The new car Ian had bought for him. There were no cuffs, no zip ties, nothing. He hoped Ian would just stay asleep for long enough.

Mickey sat behind the wheel, looked up the way back to Chicago on his phone, the battery was almost empty. He tried to memorize some of the way home and then started driving.

It took Ian three hours to wake up. Mickey’s phone was dead. Ian’s phone was dead. He was driving as fast and as carefully as possible, the street was slippery because of the coldness. Ian woke up and sat up on the backseat, looking around confused.

“Mick?”, he asked, “Why didn’t you wake me up?”   
“You need your sleep”, Mickey mumbled. Ian crawled to the front seat, almost kicking Ian in the meantime.   
“When are we gonna be in California?”   
Mickey bit his lip, “Phone’s dead.”   
“Oh”, Ian looked around, “Shit, I’m cold. Can’t wait to finally be at the beach again. You remember, last year, we were so happy at the beach, in the sun. You can collect your seashells again and maybe I can teach you how to swim. We will be so happy there, Mickey. Finally, be happy again. You and I.”, Ian smiled at him hopefully.

Mickey grabbed the steering wheel harder and stared at the road. Ian didn’t notice his behaviour and just kept on talking and leaned against Mickey’s shoulder happily. It was going well, and Mickey thought they really could make it back to Chicago and to the hospital.

But then they passed a sign, a few more miles to Chicago.

“Chicago?”, Ian read confused, he looked at Mickey, “Why are you driving back to Chicago?”   
“You have to go to the hospital, Ian, we can’t move on like this.”   
“How could you do this? I don’t want to go back, I don’t want to go to a fucking psych ward!”, Ian yelled.   
“This is not about what you want any more, it’s about what you need. I’m just trying to help you and if you don’t suck it up, I’ll be fucking tired of helping you.”   
“Then fuck you!”, Ian yelled at him, “Fuck all of you! Now turn around and bring me to California! Turn around!”

Ian started to reach over and grab the wheel.   
“Are you crazy, keep your hands to yourself!”   
“No, turn around! Turn around, Mickey!”   
Ian grabbed the wheel and tried to pull Mickey’s hands away.   
“Ian, stop! Stop it!”

With all the sudden hands and turning the wheel into different directions, Mickey suddenly lost control over the car on the icy road. The car started to slither and turn, Mickey grabbed the wheel and hit the breaks, trying to gain control over the car again, but to no avail. The car came off the road and crashed into a tree.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Are y'all still reading this?


	11. Baby, I'm a mess

Mickey woke up in a hospital room.  
It was dark outside, but since it was November that didn’t mean anything. The light in the room was bright and artificial and burned his eyes even before he opened them. He turned his face away from the light and was looking at Sandy. His cousin was sitting next to his bed, teeth gnawing on her lip, hair messy, she looked angry.

“Mick, are you awake?”, she asked and sat up straight when she noticed him moving, “Fucking finally, shithead, you scared the crap out of me.”  
Mickey showed a weak grin, “Were you worried about me? Gettin’ soft, bitch”  
Sandy smiled relieved and shook her head, “I hate you.”  
“For how long was I out?”  
“Three years, yeah, should have died, the hospital bill is gonna kill you now.”

“For fuck’s sake, could you stop joking?”, it came from the other side of the bed, there sat Lip Gallagher, “It was around 30 hours and you are seriously injured.”  
Mickey looked at him and searched in the room for more familiar faces, there were Liam, Debbie and Franny. He noticed his left arm was broken and he was sure his head exploded at some point and was put back together.

“Where’s Ian?”, Mickey mumbled, the headache was nothing against the pain in his chest when he thought Ian was so manic he wouldn’t even show up at the hospital.  
“I’ll call that nurse”, Sandy mumbled and got up as soon as she heard the name _Ian_.

“He’s at the hospital too. After the crash, he had kind of a meltdown while you were in surgery and begged me to take him to the psych ward. He’s getting the help he needs now.”  
Mickey closed his eyes and sighed in relief. At least some good news. The door opened again and Sandy came back with a nurse.

“When can I go see him, is he alright?”, Mickey asked.  
“You’re going nowhere for now”, the nurse said and walked around the bed, checking something, “Do you know who you are, where you are, what year we have?”  
“A pissed off man in Chicago, time is an illusion, what do you mean I’m going nowhere?”  
“You were in a car crash, young man.”  
“So? It’s not like I almost died.”  
“No, you were lucky. But if it weren’t for the other man in the car, you would have died and not just almost.”, she said. She checked some more things, asked him if he was in pain, noted some things down and left again.

“What did she mean by that? I would have died?”  
“Ian was only lightly injured, he was still conscious after the crash, pulled you out of the car and… He wrapped you up in all of the jackets and sweaters he was wearing and did as much EMT rescue stuff he could until some other car stopped and called an ambulance.”

“For how long has he to stay in the psych ward?”, Mickey asked.  
“Three days, for now. Maybe longer…”, Lip sighed and looked at his siblings, “Could you go outside for a moment?”  
Debbie looked at him confused, “Why?”  
“Just go, I need to talk to Mickey alone.”  
Debbie looked at him weirdly but then left the room with her daughter and younger brother.

Lip looked at Sandy, “You’re living on a whole fucking other planet if you think you can throw me out, too.”  
Lip bit his lip and shrugged, “Okay”, he sighed and looked at Mickey, “When Ian was normal in between episodes he apparently used the last bit of money he had on the account and effected insurance on the car. Maybe he kind of knew he would be manic again even though he denied the bipolar and wanted you to get some money if he would do something to the car in an episode. It’s not a lot of money, not what the car was worth, but you can have it and move out if you want to. I’d get it if you would want to move out now, I’m sure Ian would get it too.”, Lip sighed, “I’m not gonna tell you he needs you, you know that. But you’re not responsible, you don’t owe him shit. Think about it.”, he said, nodded and left the room.

Sandy looked at Mickey, “So, what are you gonna do?”  
“Do I need to decide that now?”  
“No”, Sandy shook her head and sighed, “You know I really thought, you and Ian is something for forever. That you end up getting married and shit, little domestic bitches. But look at you, you’re lying in hospital with a broken arm, concussion and a pretty nasty head wound.”  
“Well, if he’s medicated now…”  
“Who says he stays medicated?”, Sandy asked, “You don’t owe him shit, Mick. Do I think he’s the right guy for you? Yes. I think you’re great together. But fuck, you don’t owe him, never did, and yet you did so much for him. Either he fucking steps up or you should just leave him. He didn’t earn all of this from you yet. Either he earns it or this relationship is going to shit.”

Mickey sighed, “I love him”, he mumbled.  
“Fuck love. Love’s not everything, that’s something the straight people tell themselves. You’re a Milkovich, we’re not letting anyone walk all over us, no matter how much we fucking love them.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

They kept Ian a little longer in the psych ward. They were released around the same time. Lip and Fiona picked them up on the same day. They talked to Ian’s shrink, it was official now: Ian was bipolar. They had his meds too. Ian barely looked at Mickey when they met again, he looked deeply ashamed and like he was constantly about to cry. He only looked up at him once but immediately looked away again when he saw Mickey was looking at him too.

They sat in the back of Lip’s car (as far as Mickey knew his new rich college girlfriend bought it for him), Ian was looking out of the window, Mickey looked at him sadly. The car ride was extremely quiet. At home in the kitchen, the siblings put Ian’s pills on the kitchen counter. He had to take them three times a day with food.

“I’m tired”, Ian mumbled eventually and slowly went upstairs. Mickey looked after him and then at Lip and Fiona, waiting to be told what to do.  
“He’s gonna sleep a lot”, Lip said, “While getting used to the meds.”  
Mickey nodded, “Well, I’m tired too”, he mumbled and followed Ian upstairs.

Ian lay in their bed on Mickey’s side, he started rolling to his own side, when he saw Mickey standing in the door. Mickey sighed, closed the door when he was inside. He lay down on Ian’s side of the bed and looked over to Ian. Ian stared at his arm and started to cry softly. 

Mickey bit his lip, he scooted closer to him and gently kissed his forehead. Ian started sobbing and crying harder, “I’m so sorry”, he whispered, “I’m sorry.”  
Mickey just nodded, he wanted to say ‘ _It’s okay_ ’ but he didn’t, because he knew it wasn’t.

Mickey reached his right hand out and pulled Ian to him, so he lay on his chest.  
“You were bleeding”, he was whispering under tears now, “You were bleeding so much, I thought you were dead.”  
“I’m not dead”, he whispered, “I will be okay.”  
Ian held on to Mickey’s shirt and cried harder. Mickey bit his lip and then kissed the top of his head again.

Both fell asleep soon afterwards. Fiona woke Ian up later in the evening, to bring him his pills and a sandwich.

The next morning, they woke up in the same position. Mickey ran his hand over his short red hair and lay his cheek against his head. They didn’t say anything for a long time.

“How are you feeling?”, Mickey whispered eventually.  
Ian needed a full minute to answer, “Not feeling”, he whispered.  
“Anything?”  
“Pills making me…”, he chewed on his lip, “Tired.”

“You need to take them though.”  
“I know”, he whispered even quieter.  
“You need to take them now.”  
Ian gnawed on his bottom lip, “But they’re downstairs.”  
“Well, it’s time to get up, go downstairs, have breakfast, take your drugs. A normal day in the southside.”

Ian looked up at him and then slowly forced himself out of bed. They were both still fully dressed. Ian took off his clothes, “I smell like hospital”, he mumbled, “I go take a shower.”  
Mickey nodded.

While Ian was under the shower, Mickey checked his phone.

 **Lip** : we re gone already Ian needs to take his pills morning noon and evening with food no caffeine no alcohol call Fiona if you need help

 **Lip** : don’t worry if hes still behaving a bit off hes gonna be tired and sleep a lot be a little quiet and feel numb its all normal

 **Lip** : good luck

Good Luck. Yeah that he would need. Mickey sighed and sat up. He had a battle with his pants that he tried to take off with his one good hand. Then he sat on the bed and had to wait for Ian to ask for help with the rest.

Ian came back from his shower, “Only cold water”, he mumbled, dried his hair and put new boxershorts and joggers on, then he looked at Mickey, “Do you… need help?”  
“Yeah, kinda.”

Ian hesitantly came over to him and looked at the broken arm.  
“Ian, just help me out of the shirt”, Mickey said when Ian just stared at the injury that he caused as if it would make it whole again.  
Ian touched Mickey’s shirt with trembling fingers and pulled it up gently, Mickey took his good arm out of the sleeve and then Ian carefully freed it from the injured arm too. He got a new change of clothes for Mickey and helped him get dressed. He didn’t dare to look at his naked body, as if he had lost the privilege of looking at him.

They went downstairs and Mickey prepared breakfast for both of them. Mickey watched him as he took his pills as prescribed.

Ian really slept a lot and the rest of the day he was very silent. He barely looked at Mickey, and when he did he looked ridden with guilt and hate for himself. Mickey would have liked to ease his pain, but there was nothing he could say to him to make him feel less guilty except lies. And they had to stop lying to themselves. Because it was Ian’s fault, what happened. He was manic, he didn’t have control over himself, but in the end, it was his fault that they had the crash and Mickey’s arm was broken (what by far wasn’t the worst injury Mickey ever sustained, one of Ian’s affairs once shot him in the leg).

That first day went by so slowly they could have been two or three days just as well. Ian wasn’t a fan of the meds. But under Mickey’s eyes, he took them whenever he had to.

In the evening they lay in their bed, they switched sides for now, so Ian wouldn’t accidentally touch or injure Mickey’s broken arm in his sleep.

Ian lay on Mickey’s chest now, he played with the hem of his shirt, while Mickey had his hand on Ian’s short red hair, slowly stroking over them.

“Mickey?”, Ian asked in a low voice, the room was so silent, Mickey could have heard a needle falling to the ground.  
“Yeah?”

There was a pause, Ian had hoped Mickey wouldn’t answer so he didn’t have to resume.  
“Do you think it can ever be like it used to?”, he asked quietly.

Mickey didn’t really know what to answer to that. Could it? No. Probably not. Never. Never again, no. Ian was sick and he would stay sick for the rest of his life. He would have to take his meds. And _if_ Mickey stayed, and that was a big if, he would have to make sure Ian took his meds every day. He would have to be afraid and worried that he might not take his meds or that they might stop working, that Ian might be depressed again, manic again. It could never be like it used to because it used to be _easy_. And it used to be _light_. It used to be just loving each other and that used to be enough. Love just used to be enough.

But Mickey didn’t want to say all this. Explain all this. This wasn’t the right time to have this kind of talk about their relationship. He opened his lips to answer with something like: ‘ _I don’t know, maybe.’  
_ But Ian interrupted him, “Be honest”

Mickey made a long pause. He looked down at Ian’s short, red hair that he had buzzed off during the manic episode. Honesty. Maybe they needed that right now even though it might hurt.

“No”, Mickey said lowly, “It can’t ever be like it used to.”  
Ian pressed his face harder into Mickey’s shirt.

“Will you leave me?”, he whispered.  
And now, Mickey was honest, when he said: “I don’t know.”

Because he didn’t know. He didn’t know if he should stay. If he should leave. And then there were the things he should do, the things he would do, and the things he was capable of doing at all. And they were all different things.

Ian turned his face and looked up at him.  
“Do you still love me?”, he whispered even quieter and if Ian’s description of his feelings throughout the day wouldn’t have amounted to nothing and numbness, he might have cried now.

Mickey stared at the ceiling.  
“Yes”, he whispered and the truth was so hard that his eyes started to water when he said: “I just don’t know if it’s enough. I don’t know if love is enough because this is a lot.”

Ian turned away from him again and he cuddled into his shirt and Mickey could feel that his shirt got wet from Ian’s tears but neither of them said another word.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The next days it got harder. Ian resented the pills, he hated how they made him feel. He complained about how he wasn’t feeling anything, how he was lying under a wet blanket with cotton in his mouth – he had nightmares about this a lot.

On day three the mid-day snack pill-taking conversation went kind of like this.  
“You still didn’t touch the pills”  
“I don’t want them.”  
“You have to take them.”  
“I hate them.”  
“You have to take them.”  
“But they’re making me feel so much worse.”  
“They’re gonna make you feel better.”  
“I don’t think so.”  
“Then don’t take them and join your mother at the circus if you like it better.”  
Then Ian took the pills.

Now it’s been five days of this. Ian didn’t feel better yet, they barely talked and if they talked it was a pill-taking conversation. The rest of the time Ian stayed away from him as far as possible while looking at him filled with guilt and fear, or he was as close as possible to him, cuddling him and holding him as if he was afraid, Mickey might run away if he didn’t hold on strong enough. A valid fear.

Ian was standing in the kitchen and stared at the pill bottles. He hated them so much. He didn’t want to take them anymore. He was supposed to feel normal with them, but he didn’t. He felt sick. They were a constant reminder that his life the way he knew it was over. He could forget about being an EMT, it was just a question of time until his boyfriend would leave him and he couldn’t feel the amount of love, anger and sadness he knew he was supposed to feel about this. Everything was dull and muted. Everything except the guilt he felt.

He opened the Lithium bottle and let the pills drop into his hand, he looked at them. He wanted them to be gone, just gone. He wanted all of it to be gone. Maybe if he could get rid of them, he could finally feel better again, feel love and sadness and happiness to their full extend. Though he doubted that he would feel a lot of happiness for now.

“Ian”, a calm but worried voice appeared behind him, “What are you doing?”  
Ian bit his lip, he didn’t answer. Mickey walked up to him and touched his shoulder.   
“Put the pills back. You’re supposed to take one of them, not all, and not now.”  
“I hate them”, he mumbled.  
“That doesn’t matter, you have to take them.”

Ian looked at him, “But I don’t want to. They make me feel like shit, I don’t want this anymore”, he raised his voice at him. Mickey didn’t flinch.  
“Ian put the pills back.”, Mickey raised his voice now too, “Stop acting like a fucking child who doesn’t want to take his medicine. Put the pills back, get your shit together and go watch TV.”

Ian scrunched up his face and suddenly pushed the bottles and the pills in his hand to the ground in one swift motion with his arm.

“What the hell?!”, Mickey yelled at him, “Are you completely out of your mind?”  
“I don’t fucking want any of this anymore, Mickey!”, he yelled back at them, “What's the use of this fuckery, huh? I’m fucked for life anyway and I’m just waiting for you to leave me! Why should I take them if it’s no fucking use anyway?”  
“If you don’t take your pills I really will leave!”, he yelled at him, “I’m tired of your shit, Gallagher! I’m tired of all of this! Fuck you, fuck your problems! It’s all always just about you, is it? The only reason I’m still here is that you need help and everyone’s expecting me to help you! Either you fucking take your pills or I’m gone! You hear me? I’d rather move back to my dad than deal with you being unmedicated another fucking day!”

Ian stared at him, his face was red and he looked so hurt by his words, Mickey almost felt sorry for them. But in the end, he didn’t, because it needed to be said.

“Then leave!”, Ian screamed at him now with such force and despair in his voice, Mickey had to take a step back, “Then finally leave me if you want it so badly!”

Ian’s bottom lip started to quiver, he let out a sob and then turned around and ran out of the house.

Mickey sighed deeply and sat down at the kitchen table of the Gallaghers. What happened to them? Not too long ago their relationship seemed perfect to him. Now everything was just a mess. And somehow he couldn’t make the step to leave Ian. He was sick, he needed help – and Mickey felt like he was the one who _must_ help him.

Mickey took a few deep breaths and after about 10 minutes, he decided to go after Ian. It was December and the snow was high outside. He went to the door, he expected Ian to sit on the porch, but he wasn’t there.

“Ian?”, he called out and looked around confused. He noticed footprints in the snow leading away from the house to the street. The footprints made clear that Ian’s wasn’t wearing any shoes, only his socks.

“Fuck”, Mickey mumbled, Ian would freeze to death like this. He closed the door again, pulled on his shoes and jackets, Ian wasn’t wearing his jacket either. Mickey grabbed two warm blankets from the couch, Ian’s shoes and jacket and the keys to his old car. He carried the blanket under his injured arm. Fiona was using the old car most of the time, but today she got a ride from a co-worker.

He got to his old car, put the things on the passenger seat and started the car.  
Then he paused. Where did Ian go? He knew the general direction from Ian’s footprints, but he couldn’t follow him on foot. It was too cold and he needed to get Ian into a room with the blankets again to heat him up.

He nervously tried to think of where Ian might go that lay in the direction of the footsteps. There were many things in that direction, everything was there except Mickey’s old house: the buildings, the store, the L, the school. – The school! The Highschool bleachers.

Mickey quickly started driving, turned the car and drove in the direction of the bleachers. It’s been a long time since he’s been here. It was at the end of Ian’s first manic episode. Mickey grabbed one of the blankets. He left the car. Hopefully, Ian would be here.

He closed the door with his hip and started to walk towards the bleachers.  
“Ian?”, he yelled, “Ian, are you here?” He went over to their spot.

There, in the snow sat Ian, he had his knees pulled to his chest, he was crying and shaking, he was sitting right in front of the metal post they had scratched their initials into when they were together for about five months.

Mickey sighed, “What are you doing, freckles? You’re gonna freeze to death.”, he said softly and put the blanket around him, “Come here, stand up.”  
Mickey gave him his right hand, Ian hesitantly grabbed it and stood up, his hand was ice-cold.

Mickey kissed his cold cheek and led him back to the car, he was shivering and shaking and didn’t say anything. Mickey made him sit down in the back of the car. He sat on the left side next to him, he pulled Ian's wet socks off and struggled to put Ian’s shoes on his cold, stiff feet with only one hand, he made Ian wear his jacket and wrapped him up in the two blankets.

Ian lay in the corner of the back seat, his face was still red, he was shivering, but he didn’t let Mickey touch him. He was staring at the headrest of the passenger seat. They sat in silence for a long ten minutes.

“Why are you still here?”, Ian asked eventually, “Aren’t you tired of it? Always having to take care of me? I’m just demanding and demanding things without considering your feelings… Aren’t you exhausted?”

Mickey bit his bottom lip and looked down at his fingers, “Yeah, I am. Exhausted. Tired of it. Upset... about a lot of things.”

Ian exhaled a shaky breath, “I wish I would be oblivious to it”, he whispered, “Again. One good thing about being fucking manic I was oblivious to it, what a fucking asshole I was. I think that’s the reason that I’m so happy when I’m manic. You know? The reason for this happiness is that I don’t feel guilty anymore for what I’m doing to you, what I’m doing to my family, how I always behave… towards you. I wish I would… be oblivious to how fucked up I am… like Frank, Monica, who think they’re so, so amazing. Everyone knows that they ain’t but they don’t care”

Mickey looked at him, “I thought you wanted to convince everyone that you’re _not_ like your mother.”

Ian swallowed hard and pulled the blankets closer around himself, “I don’t want to be like her. I just… I’m so scared.”, he whispered desperately, “Mickey, I’m so scared”, tears started rolling down his face again.

“So scared to end up like her. Scared to lose you. I’m scared to lose my family… I can forget about being an EMT which is my fucking dream job. I’m a mess. My life is a mess. And I’m one alcohol poisoning away from officially being my parents. Mom at least. And I hate that.”

Mickey leaned his head against the backrest of the seat and looked at him softly, “Ian, if you take your meds, you’re not going to end up like her.”  
Ian sobbed, “Yeah, but… Monica promised all of us a thousand times that she would take her meds and she never did. She wasn’t strong enough and… I can’t say if I am.”

He took a deep breath, he briefly looked over to him and then stared straightforward again.

“You know when we got together, you said that you don’t want to be in a relationship with me, because you were so afraid that you might end up being like your dad. You might treat me like your dad treated your mother and all that and… I didn’t get it, you know? I didn’t… I didn’t think that you could ever be like that and I knew that you would never be your dad and that fear was so irrational to me and I couldn’t understand it.”, he said lowly and he leaned his head back and stared at the ceiling of the car.

“And now I can. I get it. I get it now. What that feels like”, his face twitched and he started crying harder again, “Because I’m fucking terrified of being my mother and treating you like my mother treated Frank… and me, and anyone else. And I don’t want to put you through that. I already put you through enough. And you said, then, that you don’t want to learn not to hit people at my expense. And I don’t want to learn to not be a mess at your expense.”

Ian didn’t look at him while he said all of this. Just stared into nothingness. Tears were running down his face, his voice broke several times through his sentences. Mickey looked at him, watched him, looked at that sad, crying face.

And a part of him was glad. Not that Ian was crying, but that Ian finally understood him. Understood at least something about Mickey’s feeling and his fears.

There was another long pause between them and Mickey had to look away too when he asked: “Are you breaking up with me?”  
It really sounded like it. And he didn’t expect it. He didn’t expect _Ian_ to leave _him_ , now.

Ian looked at him.  
“I would never break up with you. I love you. More than anything. And I remember that I said something about honeymoon when I was manic. And I always thought… before this, I thought we could be together… forever. Get married… all that shit. And now it’s just one big fucking mess, all of it.”, he snuffled, “And you’re hurting so much every day because of me for half a year now. And, uhm… and I don’t know why you stayed this long, but I’m telling you that it’s okay to go.”, his voice broke again at that sentence.

He took a deep breath and sobbed and he looked away again.  
“If you want, if you want to go, if, if you can’t handle this… then I won’t stop you. And I won’t be mad. Because I get it, you know? I wouldn’t want to go through this, and uhm… and no one should go through this, being with someone who has this. It’s, it’s torture. I know that. So, I never had a choice, because it was my mom, you know?... but you don’t owe me anything at all. If anything I owe you. I owe you the world. So, you don’t need to take responsibility for me or my problems. As you said, sometimes love isn’t enough… so, if you don’t want to do this anymore, If you can’t do this anymore if you want to leave I get it. I will let you go. I will let you be happy. I won’t be mad”, he shook his head, he was crying bitterly and he tried desperately to compose himself, “I want you to know that if you want to go you can… and you should. And uhm… I’m just thankful for all the time I had with you.”

Ian rubbed the tears from his face with the blanket, “And I know because of all the money that I spent you can’t really go anywhere, so… if we’re breaking up I can sleep on the couch and you can have the bed until you… find something”, he whispered.

Ian pressed his lips together. Mickey was just surprised. He didn’t expect Ian to sit here and to, essentially, give him a way out. To open the door and say ‘ _If this is what you want you can leave_ ’ because Ian knew this wouldn’t be easy and Ian didn’t want to force him to stay. And he didn’t want Mickey to feel guilty about leaving if he wanted to leave.

“What would you do if I stayed?”, Mickey asked sadly.  
Ian looked at him, “Stayed?”, he asked confused.  
“I’m not saying that I’m staying, Ian. And I won’t promise you anything for the future, because the disorder is making it pretty impossible to plan a future right now… But if you want me to stay, what would you do? What will you say to make me stay? Any arguments? Any reasons for me? Besides just love? Because we established that this isn’t enough.”

Ian looked at him, bit his lip and looked at Mickey’s broken arm, “If you stay I promise… I want to promise that I will take those pills… even though they make me feel awful sometimes. And, uhm, and… promise that I will listen to you and my siblings when you say something is off, and that if something is off and you’re telling me to leave I will go to a shrink immediately. And I- I want to promise that I will be the best boyfriend for you, that I consider your feelings and that I understand you. I’d do anything you want. Anything. You could ask anything of me. Because honestly, I don’t want you to leave me. Because I’m selfish. I’ve always been selfish, but the truth is you _should_ leave me. And that everything I want to promise you if you stay I can’t really promise you. Because every promise is a promise medicated Ian makes.”

Mickey bit his bottom lip hard, “And medicated Ian just promised me to stay medicated.”  
“Yeah… sometimes the pills stop working. And sometimes this happens, sometimes that. I wish I could be that person that has this under control and that can promise you those things sincerely. But I don’t know if I am. I don’t know… I simply can’t say, and I can’t promise. I can only swear with certainty, that… I will try. I will try to do my best… if that’s not enough, I get it. I get it. And it would be okay to leave me… and … it is okay to leave me whenever you want. You know? Even if you stay now to see if I stay on the meds or not… if you feel like you can’t anymore… if you feel like you can’t do this anymore it is okay to leave. It is okay. And I won’t stand in your way anymore. I want you to know that.”

Ian exhaled deeply. Mickey didn’t know what to say, what to think. He couldn’t decide anything now, he couldn’t promise or plan anything.  
“Let’s drive home”, he just said and climbed in the front seat.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

They spent that night together, sleeping closer to each other again, kissing each other softly for hours. No words were spoken, no promises made. Mickey wanted to stop thinking about the situation for a while and Ian wanted to enjoy what he was sure was the last night they would spend together.

Mickey woke up with the sunrise. Ian was lying by his side, facing him, his face against Mickey’s shoulder. Mickey looked down at him. He looked so beautiful. It was true Ian couldn’t promise anything and because of that neither could Mickey.

It was ironic in a way, Mickey had spent years feeling like he wasn’t enough for Ian, like he was just a big fucking mess. And now Ian was a mess too. An even bigger mess than Mickey in a way.

If Ian would take his meds, get this disorder under control, start working again and all that stuff, they could have a great life. There was a chance, Ian just needed to try hard enough. In a way, it would take some pressure off Mickey, not having to compare himself to the (in his eyes) _perfect Ian_ anymore. If both of them were messed up they could help each other, be there for each other in a way it just hasn't been possible before.

Ian finally understood what it meant feeling scared to hurt your boyfriend, what it meant to feel messed up and not good enough and to be afraid to be left. Sure, what was happening here was horrible, but it felt good to be understood in such a way.

And if Ian would take his pills, everything could be fine and Mickey would stay. He wanted to stay with Ian. He wanted Ian to be healthy and happy again, with him.

There was a chance they would have a future together. Just the two of them. Happy and in love, like they used to, but better. Because now Mickey and Ian could see eye to eye, Ian could be more considerate, humbled through his disorder and through being aware of the amount of pain he caused Mickey.

It’s only been five days, Ian needed to adjust to these meds. Essentially, Ian just needed a chance to prove himself to Mickey, the way Mickey had needed a chance back then to prove to himself that he could be a good boyfriend. Mickey didn't owe Ian anything, he agreed with that.

But he owed it to himself. He owed himself to take a chance on a future with Ian. He could leave whenever it got too much. But he wanted to make this relationship work. And he would try one last time.

He looked at Ian. He wanted this man to be his husband one day. It was a thing he had started thinking about a year or two ago. And he remembered how happy it had made him when Debbie said he was _basically her brother in law_ – he wanted that. He wanted nothing more than to be with Ian and be happy with him. That’s why he owed it to himself to give him one last chance.

“Fucking bipolar disorder”, Mickey thought, “Why does this fucking shit never end? Manic episodes, depressed episodes, the meds…”  
Mickey bit his lip when he realised… actually he didn’t know anything about the disorder his boyfriend was suffering from. He knew what he had seen with his own two eyes and what Ian’s siblings had told him. But what he was supposed to do, how he was supposed to help him, what triggered it, how he could maybe spot early signs – he didn’t have a clue about the entire thing.

He gently kissed Ian’s forehead, then moved his good arm away from him and grabbed his phone from the bedside table. He opened YouTube and started to look for videos explaining the bipolar disorder.

Ian woke up at some point, while Mickey watched the videos intensely and soaked up the information like a sponge.

Ian tiredly watched the video with him, mildly confused, until he made it known to Mickey that he was awake, by nudging his arm away, so he could lie on his shoulder and hold the phone for Mickey in return. Mickey gently kissed his forehead.

“I stay”, he whispered.

Ian stopped breathing for a moment. He looked up at Mickey.  
“You do?”, he whispered.  
Mickey nodded, “But you need to give your best with this, yeah? _We_ can learn to live with it.”  
Ian started smiling at him so thankfully and full of hope, he almost started crying even. He kissed him gently on the cheek and the lips.

“I love you so much”, he whispered.  
“I love you, too.”, he whispered back.

Ian kissed him again and then slowly sat up and left the bed.  
“Where are you going?”  
Ian smiled at him, “You want coffee and pop tarts for breakfast?”  
Mickey smiled back at him lightly, “Sure. But no caffeine on your meds.”  
“I know.”

Ian was gone for a couple of minutes, he came back with two steaming mugs, pop tarts and a sharpie. He placed the coffee next to Mickey and took the tea with him on the bed. Mickey noticed that Ian also held his pills in his hand. He took them, washed them down with tea, complained about his burned mouth, which made Mickey chuckle and then Ian started eating the pop tart.

“What’s the sharpie for?”, Mickey asked eventually while he switched between videos.  
Ian smirked. He pulled Mickey to him, so his head lay on his chest and he pulled the cap from the sharpie. He leaned over Mickey to his broken left arm and started scribbling down on the cast. Mickey started chuckling, “What are you doing?”

Ian finished, drew some hearts around his message and then looked at him with a satisfied grin. Mickey looked down on his arm.

I   
🖤  
U

M + I

And many little hearts around it. Mickey started laughing when he saw it, he leaned up to him and kissed him again.


	12. 6858 words of happiness

The last two years since the diagnosis were great. Ian took his pills every day, even let Mickey check whether he really took them or not. After a while of waiting in Fiona’s Diner, he was even allowed to get his job as EMT back and the rest of the time he tried to be the best boyfriend Mickey could have.

Mickey was reminded of why he fell in love with Ian in the first place. Back then he fell in love with the skinny ginger because he made him laugh, because he was fun to be around. Because he was the only one who made him feel at home and appreciated, who showed him kindness and love and showed him that he deserved this kind of happiness.

Yes, Ian made mistakes back then, but who was to say Mickey didn't? Especially before they got together Mickey said horrible things to him all the time even though he knew Ian liked him for more than just sex. " _You're nothing but a warm mouth to me_ " " _I'm just here for the dick, not your mouth talking_ " and all that shit. And also during their relationship, if Ian was unhappy before the coming out he had the right to tell him so, though he could have been a lot more understanding and patient.

But all in all, during their youth being together with Ian in any way, meant being happy. Making Ian happy and smile made Mickey happy. He made him forget about the horrors of the Milkovich house and gave him hope for a better tomorrow, for a time he could always be with Ian.

That time was now. And most of the time Mickey was very fucking happy with Ian. And now there was the bipolar, which was the reason they had been unhappy for some time.

The last two years, since the diagnosis, Ian really stepped up. He took Mickey on dates, he tried to be considerate and empathetic as much as possible. He put his heart and soul into making Mickey feel happy and safe and comfortable with him again.

The first six or seven months he overdid it in Mickey’s eyes. He was desperate to please Mickey and he didn’t allow himself to ask for anything in return. There was a lot of breakfast in bed going on at the time though Mickeys preferred waking up with Ian by his side and then going downstairs together. During that time, Ian would have bitten his own finger off if Mickey told him too and Mickey couldn't even criticise the smallest thing without Ian looking like he was about to cry - then he wouldn't let Mickey comfort him because he didn’t "deserve it"

It needed a long conversation for Ian to understand that being a good boyfriend didn’t mean being a slave and that Ian was allowed to have his own personality with dreams and needs and wishes. A relationship should be a two-way street. And Ian had started crying and sobbing " _I don't know what my personality is anymore. I don’t know who I am now_ "

Ian was broken in a lot of ways because of the disorder and Mickey wanted him to get therapy, but Ian argued they couldn't afford it. Mickey decided they would postpone the moving plans yet again and save less, use the money for therapy instead. Mickey wasn’t ready to move away from Ian's siblings yet anyways since he was still fairly inexperienced with the disorder and pills and all that stuff.

Thanks to the therapy it got better again. Ian got better, so did their relationship. The overwhelming guilt Ian felt for Mick’s crash and all the other things he did, slowly ebbed away, just staying present enough in his mind to make him take the pills three times a day with food. But their relationship was finally balanced and good again.

It’s been two years, it was summer. Franny and Mickey’s birthdays just passed. Franny was an energetic two-year-old who was running around the house and started talking in half sentences. For Mickey’s 26th birthday Ian took him on a nice night picnic at their spot and they carved their initials into their old metal post again and had sex like when they were teenagers after Ian had said, “You’re closer to 30 than to 20 now, you’re getting old” and Mickey had just smirked at him, “Then I’m exactly your type again, huh?”

Lately, Ian had started to read more books and listened to audiobooks in the morning or evening before bed. Mickey had to listen to them too all the time, while in the beginning he was annoyed by it, he now got upset when Ian listened to it without him. Was it a great idea to listen to horror novels and crime novels at night before going to sleep in a house it was very easy to break into? Probably not. Did it affect Ian more than Mickey, though it was Ian who always chose the stories? Of course, and Mickey often laughed at him for it, while Ian cuddled him like a toddler with his plushie at night.

Mickey had no clue what the book was called they were currently listening to, but it was kind of unsettling. They lay awake in their bed, taking an hour of couple time before Ian had to get up.

“This is so disturbing”, Mickey mumbled while listening to the story, Ian shushed him and kissed his temple, “Any reason you insist on our day starting with depression, future-anxiety and demon children?”  
“You think he’s a demon?”, Ian asked, “I think he’s a metaphor for the protagonist’s complicated relationship with his past and dead father.”  
“This ain’t a book-club, freckles.”, Mickey said and Ian chuckled, “We could spend this time with much more life-affirming activities.”

Ian smiled and kissed him properly. “I have about five minutes until I have to get up”, he mumbled, “That ain’t a lot of time for those activities.”  
“Yeah, because you never came in under five minutes”, Mickey smirked.  
“Asshole”, Ian chuckled and kissed him again, “If I did then only because you’re so hot.”  
“Sure”, Mickey smiled and grabbed Ian’s phone to stop the audiobook, “Had nothing to do with you being drunk and sex-deprived for weeks.”  
Ian laughed and kissed him again, “Hm, we could get up now and I use the additional four minutes under the shower with you.”  
“Now we’re talking”, Mickey smirked, “What are you waiting for, get up.”

After their shower, Ian had to hurry up with getting dressed, while Mickey had another thirty minutes before he had to leave the house.  
“Why couldn’t we listen to Treasure Island again?”, Mickey asked while watching Ian getting dressed.  
“Because we already finished it?”  
“So? This shit is freaking me out.”  
“If you don’t want to hear the rest, I can listen to it on my own.”  
“Nah, I want to know how it ends. Still, main dude here has a weird relationship to his abusive dad, then dad dies, and he has a son with the same name who is clearly a reincarnation of the abusive father? No thanks.”  
Ian chuckled while closing the buttons on his shirt, “I like the book.”  
“Sure you do, since it’s gonna be my dad reincarnated in children around us, not yours.”, Mickey mumbled, “Do you think Franny-“  
“No, Mick, I don’t think she’s a paranormal being out to kill you. Though her screams can be quite demonic. I just hear out of this, that apparently we have to have children before your dad dies, huh?”, he looked at him with a smirk.  
Mickey smiled at him, “If I want to have a baby around I simply forbid you to buy the new pop tart flavours and watch you have a temper tantrum in the supermarket.”

Ian leaned down to him and kissed him, “I gotta go, now I want a pop tart.”  
“Take your pills.”  
“Yeah, I’m on it”, he said and went to the door.  
“Freckles”, Mickey said, and Ian turned around to him, “Be careful.”  
Ian smiled, “Always am. Love you, see you tonight.”  
“Wait, could get late tonight, don’t wait up for me. Love you too.”  
Ian nodded and left the room.

That night, Ian waited a long time for Mickey to come home until sleep took away his free will around one in the morning. He woke up around six or seven o’clock when he felt another body lying down in the bed next to him.

“Mickey?”, he mumbled tiredly and reached for him.  
“Shh, go back to sleep, Gallagher, it’s way too early to be up.”  
Ian wrapped his arms blindly around Mickey and pulled him to him, “Where were you all night?”  
There was a pause, Ian groaned lightly at the thought of having to open his eyes to look at Mickey and get the desired answer, but Mickey said: “Double shift. Sorry, next time I’ll text you.”  
“You better”, Ian leaned to him and kissed whatever part of Mickey he could reach at the moment – hair, apparently.

Mickey was silent, he sighed deeply and wrapped his arms around Ian in return, leaning his face against his chest.  
“I want to go out tonight”, he mumbled eventually.  
“Huh?”, Ian asked, who was already half asleep again.  
“On a date, too many people around all the time.”  
“Hm, sorry, got a late shift in, how about lunch date? That okay too?”  
“Yes”, Mickey whispered, “I love you.”  
Ian grinned and caught his forehead when he kissed him again, “Love you too… Are you feeling okay? Sound weird.”  
“I’m alright. Just let me sleep for a few hours.”  
“I gotta get up soon, take my meds.”, he murmured and then they quietly fell asleep again.

A few hours later, Ian took him out for lunch in Fiona’s diner, because they got a discount there. Ian had his three pills in a tiny plastic bag with him, so he could take them with his lunch.

Mickey was very quiet, Ian reached over the table to hold his hand, Mickey looked at their hands thoughtfully.  
“Mick, are you okay? You’re so quiet.”  
Mickey shrugged and looked up at him, “’m fine. Just hungry”, he smiled at him, “I love you.”  
Ian smiled back at him, “Love you, too. A lot going on at work?”  
Mickey shrugged, “Same old shit. Got a new partner for the night shift at that Northside building with that shady ass chemistry lab thing.”  
“What are they doing at that lab actually?”  
Mickey shrugged, “No clue, making new laundry sauce? Anyways, that partner is just a tall child, I tell you. He’s not made for the job. One noise in the dark and he flinches the fuck out of his skin”, he chuckled.  
Ian smiled at him. A waitress brought their dinner. 

Ian took his pills, “I get off around ten tonight, are you gonna wait up for me?”  
“Of course, bring back some dinner, yeah? You know I don’t like dining with your family without you. They’re all so fucking noisy. Especially Franny. The greatest thing about this date is that no toddler is hitting her cup on the table like she’s the drummer of a metal band.”  
“Pff, and I thought the greatest thing is spending time with your boyfriend.”  
Mickey chuckled. “I could change my mind if you convince me in the bathroom.”  
Ian smirked and looked around, “Eat up, go first, I follow after a few minutes.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Ian picked up some Mexican take-out near his station and went home. He was exhausted from his shift in a good way and looked forward to ending the day with his boyfriend in his arms.

When he got to the Gallagher house, however, he was confused to see a police car parked in front of it. Mickey stood in the door, talking to two officers. Ian looked at them confused from the fence for a while until Mickey noticed him and waved him to him.

“This is my boyfriend, he can tell you I was here the entire last night. Ian, tell them.”  
Ian looked at him with raised eyebrows, because Mickey definitely hasn’t been home all night and why did the police care.  
“Uh, yeah, he was here”, Ian said to the officers, “What’s all this about?”

“Last night someone broke into a jewellery store, which employs Trystone Security, we believe in an inside job.”  
Mickey was working for Trystone Security too. That’s why they were here, Ian looked at Mickey surprised.

“But Mickey’s responsible for some chemistry lab currently.”  
“We are aware of that, but every employee of Trystone is currently a suspect. Especially the ones that didn’t have a shift last night and have a record for theft.”  
“Juvenile record.”, Mickey said, “And I was home all night, you heard that. Now get off my porch, my food’s getting cold.”

Mickey pulled Ian inside the house and the officers left. Mickey closed the door and grumbled something Ian couldn’t understand. Then he sighed and looked at the take out he brought.  
“Mexican?”  
“Uh, yeah.”  
“Sit down, I get some drinks.”

Ian sat down on the couch confused and kicked his boots off.  
“So… are you gonna pretend like that just didn’t happen?”, Ian asked eventually when Mickey started eating wordlessly.  
“What happened?”  
“You made me lie to the police.”  
Mickey rolled his eyes, “As if that was the first time you ever lied to the police.”  
“Mickey… where were you last night? You said you were at work.”

Mickey sighed and looked at him, “Okay, I wasn’t at work. I had stuff to do.”  
“Did you rob-“  
“No”, Mickey said and shook his head, “I had nothing to do with it.”  
“Then why did I have to lie to the police?”  
“Shit, because one of my colleagues was killed during the robbery, okay? It’s not just robbing a jewellery store, we’re talking murder here. You heard them, I have a criminal record and I don’t have an alibi – they would pull me in front of a judge before looking in any other direction. So, just say I was here all night. Didn’t even leave the house, it was my day off. And if I left the house you didn’t know anything about it, because I was here when you left and I was here when you came back.”

Ian gnawed on his bottom lip, “I don’t like this Mick. If you have anything to do with this, just tell me. Then I’ll lie for you, but tell me.”  
“I don’t have anything to do with it.”  
“But you’re also not gonna tell me what you did all night?”  
Mickey nodded, “Just trust me, hm, freckles”, he smiled at him, trying to get Ian’s mind off the whole thing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~++~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ian couldn’t sleep all night. The story about the robbery and the death of Mickey’s colleague made him aware for the first time that Mickey actually had quite the dangerous job. Usually, Mickey was the one saying “be safe” or “be careful” when he was going to work, Ian didn’t even think Mickey could die one day at his job too, or that it was even more likely that something would happen to Mickey than Ian (although Mickey was never employed for things like jewellery stores or banks, but for laboratories and personal security – people that preferred to have security guards with a criminal record.)

But also, he wondered if Mickey really didn’t have anything to do with it. Sure, he was under the impression, Mickey had left that life of robbing, drugs and violence behind. But would he really know about him going back if Mickey didn’t want him to know? Maybe Mickey thought they needed the money, or his brothers convinced him to pull this off with them. Mickey was a southside thug through and through, no matter how often Ian made him cuddle on the couch with hot chocolate in winter.

He trusted Mickey with his life. When Mickey was gone all night, one’s thoughts could wander to him having an affair or some other nasty secret – but Ian knew, that wasn’t Mickey. Mickey would never cheat on him or put their relationship at risk. Ian trusted him in that because he knew him that well. But Mickey was a suspect without an alibi in a robbery he was definitely connected to in some way because he was working for the security company and was some sorts of friends with the dead colleague. Ian couldn’t remember Mickey ever mentioning him, but he listened to Mickey calling the colleague's wife to say his condolences, which was odd since Mickey would never do that usually, speak this softly to a random stranger. When Ian asked him about it, Mickey just shrugged and said, they were friends and used to work together a few times, and he had met the wife at some kind of office Christmas party or when she picked up her husband.

It was all very confusing. Mickey’s behaviour towards this apparent stranger, Mickey being gone all night, lying to Ian about being at work and lying to the police about being at home, and then there was Mickey’s weird behaviour when he came back home in the morning: Quiet, closed-off, exhausted.

But Mickey would tell him if something like this would have happened, right? He would have asked Ian for help with something or told him about needing an alibi right then and there. Or would he? Maybe he wanted to protect him by not telling him anything.

They were brought in for official questioning in the morning. Ian told the police what Mickey had told him to say. Lying to the police wasn’t a problem for him. But what if they don’t believe them? What if they arrest Mickey? Would Ian have to lie in court, too? Then get sentenced for lying in court?

“Mickey, I don’t like this”, Ian said when they drove back home from the police station.   
“Everything’s fine. I didn’t do anything. If I didn’t do anything, they can’t prove that I did something.”  
“Right, because no one ever got wrongfully thrown into prison.”, Ian mumbled, “What are we gonna do then, huh?”  
“Run away to Mexico?”, Mickey suggested with a smirk.  
“Be serious”, Ian hissed, “I don’t want to testify against you in court, Mick. I can’t lie in court, but what am I supposed to say, that you weren’t home all night? Came back in the morning and were weird and silent. You told me you were at work, but you lied to me.”

Mickey bit his bottom lip and looked at the road.  
“Mick, you lied to me.”, Ian repeated.  
Mickey sighed, “Alright, I’m sorry. I just didn’t want to worry you, so I said I was at work. But that doesn’t mean I went to rob a bunch of jewellery and shot someone.”  
“Are you sure? You can tell me. If you did it, tell me and we figure something out, but don’t lie to me… did you brothers or father force you?”

Mickey scoffed, “No”, he said, “Ian, I have nothing to do with it. Finnigan was a friend.”  
“I never even heard you saying his name before.”  
Mickey shrugged, “He was a friend though. Even if I would have been there, I would have never shot him, he’s got two kids at home with his wife, and another baby on the way with his secret wife in Evanston. Besides, if I would ever rob a jewellery store, I would share with you. Did I share anything with you?”  
“No”  
“See. So I didn’t rob anything.”

Ian looked at him for a few minutes, “That’s a pretty good argument”, he mumbled eventually. It was true, if Mickey would have done anything, he would have shared some of the stolen things with him, or at least the money from pawning off the jewellery that was stolen.

“I hope you’re telling the truth”, he mumbled, “Because I really want to trust you.”  
“You can trust me. Just stick to the story. They can’t prove anything.”  
“I don’t want to lie in court.”  
“It’s not gonna come to that.”, he said and stopped the car in front of the house, “I have to go to work right away, you got night shift, or…”  
“Yeah, night shift. So I won’t see you anymore today”, he said, leaned over and kissed him, “Be careful at work, yeah? I don’t want you to get shot too.”  
Mickey smiled, “Don’t worry, I’ll use the frightened kid has a human shield.”  
Ian smirked and kissed him again, “I love you.”  
“Love you too, now go, I’m late already.”  
Ian nodded, “Bye-bye”, he whispered and pecked his lips again before getting out of the car. Mickey drove off and Ian decided to lie down upstairs and sleep until his shift would start.

Not even an hour later, Mickey came back home, he threw the front door shut loudly, stomped upstairs and threw himself on the bed with a grunt, startling his boyfriend awake.

“Mick?”, Ian asked confused, still half asleep.”  
“Yeah”, he growled.  
“What are you doing here? Why aren’t you at work?”  
“Said, I’m a person of interest according to the police, am on paid leave until that cleared up. Fucking assholes, just because I didn’t have a shift that night, they’re acting like I murdered someone.”

Ian sat up and rubbed his eyes, “Person of interest?”, he repeated.  
Mickey shrugged, “Not sure if that’s really official now. But you know the fucking cops. I’m south side, I’ve got tattoos and a record, they wanted to throw me in the can on first sight. Hell, they probably only read my family name and determined it was me.”

“Well, at least you’re still getting paid while being at home. That must be like a nice little vacation for you. You never liked working anyways.”, he mumbled.  
“That’s all you have to say?”  
“Mick, please, I promise I will be very attentive in the morning and say a lot of smart things, but I need to sleep, I have a shift coming up in a few hours, okay? Come here, you’ll feel better after a nap.”

Mickey mumbled something under his breath and then curled up next to Ian. It was very hot in the room and yet, Ian insisted on pulling him in and cuddling him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~+

Mickey stayed in bed the whole afternoon and night, while Ian was at work. It was true, Milkoviches weren’t cut out to do real work, except when probation officers forced them. But lately, Mickey started hating being a Milkovich. In his teenage years, Mickey took pride in being a Milkovich. The tough Milkoviches. No one would ever dare fucking with them. They didn’t even need to lock their door at home, because who would ever be stupid enough to break in?

But after spending years with the Gallaghers, living in this family, experiencing their family bond and close-knitted relationships, he loathed his upbringing and his family. He barely had contact with any of them except Sandy. And especially now with this robbery, he knew it wasn’t only the record and the fact that he didn’t have a shift during that time, not even that he and Finnegan were sort of friends – the officers took one glance at his family name and that was it. He knew it. He just knew it.

Ian came home again around seven. He snuck into the room, “Mickey?”, he whispered, “Are you awake?"  
Mickey was awake for hours and was waiting for Ian to finally come home, he sat up slowly.  
“Hey”, Ian was smiling at him.  
“Hi, how was work?”  
“Good”, Ian shrugged, Mickey noticed that he kept his hands behind his back and that he was grinning weirdly.

“Are you okay?”  
“Yeah, why?”  
“You’re havin’ that smile”  
“What smile?”  
“The ‘ _I’m about to do something stupid I find incredibly funny_ ’ smile.”

Ian licked over his lip and tried to look at him seriously, which only made Mickey laugh in return.  
“What did you do, huh?”  
“I bought a present for Franny.”  
“Yeah? Because she responded so well to your choice of presents on her birthday?”  
Ian rolled his eyes, “She responded great, the rest of you hated it.”  
Mickey shook his head, “Never buy something loud for a toddler, Ian. You should know that.”

Ian sat down on the bed, “Whatever. When I bought it for her, I bought the same for you. I thought it might cheer you up, because of Finnigan and the whole investigation thing.”, he said almost shyly.  
“What could possibly put me in a good mood that a toddler can use, too?”, Mickey asked with slight concern.  
Ian chuckled, “I didn’t buy a sex toy.”  
“Well, shit, now that I’m out of work with nothing to do and you’re at work all the time, I would need something to pass the lonely hours… I could make a video of myself and send it to you during your break.”

Ian considered this. “I think on my birthday I’m gonna make myself a present by buying some toy for you.”, he mumbled and shook his head, “But not my point. I bought this for you.”  
He finally showed what he was hiding behind his back. It was a tiny, purple stuffed animal – an octopus, to be exact. Mickey looked at the thing with a raised eyebrow, then up to his widely grinning boyfriend again. He slowly took it from Ian.

“Thanks?”  
“Do you like it?”  
“I mean… I think it’s the first plushie I ever got, but I’m a grown-ass man. I was in prison for assault and battery once.”  
“It was just juvie”, Ian rolled his eyes and crawled up to him, he took the plushie back from Mickey, then he turned it around turned its inside out, revealing a different colour and facial expression of the toy, “When I saw it like this on my phone, it reminded me of you.”, he said with a soft sigh.

Mickey crossed his arms in front of his chest and looked at him grumpily.  
Ian smiled, “Yeah, exactly like that”, he said and held the grumpy looking octopus next to Mickey’s face.  
“Okay, asshole”, he said and scratched his forehead, he snatched the toy from Ian again and sighed, “Well, thanks.”  
Ian smiled and pulled him to him, he kissed his cheek, “Everything will be fine, Mickey. You didn’t do anything, so they won’t lock you away.”

Mickey shrugged, “If they put me in prison after all maybe I can take this thing with me”, he mumbled and looked at the octopus, “Got at least something of you with me, then.”  
Ian ran his hand through Mickey’s hair, “If they try to lock you away, I will put you in the car and we drive away. To Mexico.”  
Mickey chuckled, “Mexico with that white ass skin of yours? You’re gonna burn like a fucking Vampire.”  
Ian shrugged, “All for you”, he said in a sing-song voice and wrapped his arms around him.

Mickey smiled and turned the octopus in his hands, “Franny got the same?”  
“Different colour. I didn’t really listen to you yesterday when you got home and were all frustrated. I’m sorry.”, he kissed his forehead, “I thought maybe buying you something silly would cheer you up a bit.”  
Mickey smiled, “It did. At least I can say now that I owned a plushie in my life.”  
“You really didn’t have any when you were a child?”  
“Nah”, Mickey shrugged, “I think I had some old cuddly cloth or something until Mandy was born, and I had to pass it down to her.”  
Ian shook his head, “Your dad is a fucked-up, sadistic psychopath.”  
“You got that from me not having a stuffed octopus lying in my bed when I was a child? Not the beatings or the constant hunger or something?”

“Well, if he beat you and didn’t give you food, you could have at least have some plushie to cry into at night. No wonder you’re so out of touch with your emotions all your life.”  
“Okay, Doctor Phil”, Mickey freed himself out of Ian’s arms and took Ian’s phone, “Did you take your pills?”  
“Yeah, when I got home.”  
“Good, do you want to keep listening to that disturbing book with the house that peels itself?”  
Ian smiled and kissed him, then he pulled him down so they lay next to each other and Ian started the audiobook.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Ian was at work, evening shift. It’s been a few days and nothing changed regarding the cops and the robbery. Mickey was uneasy. One night, Ian came home and found Mickey packing bags for the two of them still half-asleep. He wanted to believe Mickey that he had nothing to do with the whole thing, but Mickey didn’t want to tell him where he had been that night.

Ian was on break with some colleagues, they were sitting in the station, each eating a sandwich. Mickey made Ian’s break-food for the last few days. The colleagues had noticed this, “Oh, look at that, it doesn’t look like you made that sandwich between doors five minutes before you left for work.”  
“My boyfriend made it for me”, he had said proudly.  
“Tss, my girlfriend never makes sandwiches for me, especially not some that look that good.”  
Ian had just grinned and enjoyed the taste of the food even more.

Today, however, one of those “Your boyfriend made it for you again, huh? When I asked my girlfriend for this, she yelled at me, about how I’m not preparing lunch for her either” sentences led to Ian sharing that Mickey was not working currently and why.

“And do you think that he had something to do with it?”, Nadine asked.  
“No”, Ian said, “he would have told me. Or at least would have shared the jewels or money. He had nothing to do with it, the police just wants it to be him because of his record and the tattoos and stuff.”

“Doesn’t he have an alibi?”  
Ian bit his bottom lip, he looked around, “I told the police he was home all night.”  
“But he wasn’t?”  
Ian shushed her, “Not so loud. The truth is, I don’t know where he was all night, he told me he was at work. Now I just don’t know what to do. What if they arrest Mickey? I can’t lie in court.”

“Then just don’t say anything”, Nadine said with a shrug.  
“How? I have to testify. I can’t just say ‘No I don’t wanna’.”  
Nadine nodded, “Yes, you can if you’re married.”  
“What?”  
“Spousal privilege. They can’t force you to testify against your husband. Then you can say ‘No I don’t wanna’ and then you don’t have to say anything. Was he home or was he not home, they’re not gonna hear it from you.”

Ian bit his lip, in his head, he started hearing Mickey’s voice:  
_“I’m not gonna marry you like this. Why would I want to be married to you, huh? You fucking asshole, turn around and go to a hospital!”  
“Listen to me Ian, I want you to remember this very clearly when you’re normal again: I won’t marry you. I won’t ever marry you if this is what I have to keep up with. Mania, Depression, no hospital, no meds – no fucking wedding. No fucking relationship._”

“Yeah, he’s not gonna want to marry me”, he mumbled.  
“How do you know?”  
Ian shrugged, “He said that once. Pretty clearly. ‘I won’t ever marry you’ – that’s what he said… I’m fine with it. At least it means, he isn’t chained to me and can leave when it gets too much for him, you know?”

But Nadine didn’t know. Ian was sharing only a few things about his bipolar and that he and Mickey almost broke up because of it definitely wasn’t one of them.  
“Well ask him again. If you get married you don’t have to lie in court and don’t have to throw him under the bus. He loves you, he wouldn’t want you to have to go through either.”  
Ian shook his head quickly, “No, that’s a stupid idea. I just have to have trust in the legal system and the cops.”

Nadine looked at him for a long time with raised eyebrows. She was basically drilling a hole into his skull with his eyes.  
“Shit, will you help me get an engagement ring for Mick?”  
“I know a guy, I can hook you up.”, she winked.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ian came home in the evening. Mickey heated up some leftovers from the dinner the rest of the family had earlier and the two ate while Ian told him about his day.

The marriage thing was a stupid idea, right? He couldn’t seriously ask Mickey to get married to him just so he didn’t have to testify against him.

When they crawled into bed together, Mickey took the octopus from the pillow and looked at it with a smirk, he had spent the day playing with Franny and their two plushies.  
“Franny decided, his name is Mr Octy. Hers is Splashy.”

Ian grinned, “I’m glad you’re bonding with Franny. I never thought you’d be good with kids.”  
Mickey shrugged, “It’s not so hard. They basically tell you what you’re supposed to do, you just have to play along.”

Ian sighed, “Any news from the cops or work?”  
“No”, Mickey mumbled, “This is a fucking nightmare. If I lose this job they’re only gonna take me at the meatpacking plant and I’m so not in the mood for that shit, I’d rather go back to selling drugs.”  
“I hope it’s not gonna get that far. You didn’t do anything, it’ll be fine.”

Mickey looked at the ceiling and was turning Mr Octy in his hands, “I think it’s time to face reality, freckles. Either they find whoever actually did it, or they’re just gonna arrest me to be able to pretend they’ve done something… fuck, I wasn’t even in the fucking city when it happened.”

Ian looked at him with raised eyebrows, “You weren’t even in Chicago? Where the hell were you?”  
Mickey bit his bottom lip and didn’t say anything, instead he put the plushie on the nightstand.  
“Mickey, how can you demand my trust when you’re accused of robbery and murder when you don’t even trust me enough to tell me what the hell you’ve been doing all night.”

Mickey sighed, “Ian, can we face one stressful thing at once, maybe? When this is all over, I will tell you what is going on, I just don’t want you to worry even more.”  
“But I do worry about it anyways.”  
“You would be even more worried if I told you. I will tell you when this whole thing is over, I promise. But right now it’s only important that I had nothing to do with what happened that night.”

Ian sighed deeply, “At least tell me where you were if you’re not telling me what you were doing.”  
“St. Louis”, Mickey said simply.  
“St. Louis? Why?”  
Mickey looked at him.  
“Okay, good. Then don’t tell me.”, he mumbled and crossed his arms in front of his chest, “But if you weren’t even in the city, there’s no way they’ll be able to place you at the crime scene. They’re not gonna arrest you just based on tattoos and a juvie record.”

Mickey gnawed on his bottom lip, “I don’t think it’s any of those things”, he said lowly, “They probably took one glance at my family name and that was it, just decided I was guilty.”  
Ian looked at him softly, “Mick, no…”  
“Yes. You weren’t there when the officers first came to the house. The way they said it ‘Mikhailo _Milkovich_ ’ – they could as well have spat on the ground. I hate that name. I’m not that anymore. I’m not stupid, homophobic, piece of shit Mickey Milkovich anymore.”

“Well, I fell in love with Mickey Milkovich, so you couldn’t have been that much of a piece of shit back then.”  
Mickey shrugged, “Point is, I may be my father’s son, allegedly I might add, but that doesn’t mean I’m fucking like him. And yet, they talked to me as if they were talking to him. I don’t want to be a fucking Milkovich anymore.”

Ian looked down at him and remembered the conversation with Nadine earlier.

“Then become a Gallagher”, he said suddenly, without even remotely thinking it through.  
Mickey looked at him surprised, “Come again?”  
“Become… Mickey Gallagher”, he said hesitantly, “You could marry me and take my name.”

Mickey looked at him with raised eyebrows and sat up in bed.  
“Are you… are you proposing right now?”

‘ _Oh shit’_ , Ian thought, ‘ _Now he’s gonna say again, how he doesn’t want to be married to me because of the bipolar_ ’

“Uhm, well, when we’re married and you take my name, they can’t hate you just based on the name. And… well, I don’t have to testify against you in court.”, he said and Mickey’s eyebrows sank back to where they belonged again, he looked almost disappointed, “Because I really don’t want to lie in court but I also don’t want to throw you under the bus.”

“Oh”, Mickey mumbled and started picking at the blanket, “No”, he said eventually.  
“No?”, and now Ian sounded disappointed.  
“I’m not gonna marry you for legal reasons. That’s just a bullshit reason to get married. If you don’t want to lie in court, I get it, then don’t. But I’m not gonna marry you just because of that.”

“Oh”, Ian said sadly and licked his lip, then he looked up at him confused, “Wait, does that mean, you would marry for another reason?”  
“Uhm, yeah. And literally, any other reason would be a better one, Ian.”  
“You would seriously marry me just for the sake of it?”  
“That… sounds a bit too surprised”, Mickey said confused.

“Too surprised? Two years ago you said, you’d never ever marry me.”  
“I didn’t.”  
“Yes, you did. I was manic, but I remember it pretty fucking well. You said _Listen to me Ian, I want you to remember this very clearly when you’re normal again: I won’t marry you.”  
_Mickey shrugged, “Can’t recall. Also, you were manic at the time, you just said that yourself, we probably said a bunch of things we didn’t necessarily mean for the whole rest of our relationship. I mean, we’re together for six years and it’s going pretty well. So yeah, I would marry you just for the sake of it.”

“Really?”  
“What the hell, yeah, really. If I would want to marry someone for legal reasons, I’d marry someone from a different country that doesn’t send me back for crimes I didn’t commit. And if I’d just want to get married for another last name _Gallagher_ wouldn’t be exactly my first choice.”

Ian stared at him with an open mouth and then said without thinking about it for another second: “Mickey Milkovich, will you marry me just for sake of being married to me?”  
Mickey smiled down at him, “Yeah, I’d really fucking love that.”

Ian pulled him down to him and kissed him fiercely, Mickey chuckled against his lips.  
“I love you”, Ian mumbled against his skin, “So much.”  
“I love you too, freckles.”, Mickey whispered, “You know, I heard, engagement sex is supposed to be amazing.”  
Ian laughed and pushed him into the pillow to kiss him again.

After (really amazing) engagement sex, during which Ian had created a few hickeys on Mickey’s neck, they Mickey lay on Ian’s chest happily.  
“Is it just me, or is that Octopus thing judging us”, Ian said after a while, “We should have turned it away.”  
Mickey chuckled and sighed.

“So, we’re getting married, huh?”  
“Yes.”, Ina smiled, “If you don’t mind, I’d still like to get married before the police gets some dumb ideas like arresting you, just in case I have to testify against you after all.”  
Mickey nodded, “Sure, whatever. As long it’s not the whole reason you want to marry me.”

Ian grinned and shook his head.  
“Still feels a little unofficial though, doesn’t it.”, Mickey remarked.  
Ian smirked, leaned over and grabbed a sharpie from his bedside table, he took Mickey’s hand and drew something on his ring finger.  
“What are you doing?”, Mickey chuckled.

Ian let go of his hand and kissed Mickey’s knuckles.  
Mickey looked at his hand. Ian had outlined a ring on Mickey’s ring finger and wrote IAN into it. Mickey laughed, took the sharpie from him and sketched a ring on Ian’s finger as well, writing MICKEY into it in tiny letters, then he kissed him lovingly.

When they finally lay down to sleep, Ian took his phone and took a picture of their hands with the ‘rings’ on them and then sent the picture into his family group chat, after writing _guess what_ under it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ABOUT THE PLUSHIE - I know you probably were like "wtf Mickey and a plushie?!" but listen, Ian wanted to cheer him up and he usually did that by making him laugh. Also, I bought one of those octopus things for my cousin and then for myself bc they're so fucking cute. Like Mandy's ring in the previous chapters, the Octopus plushie ( or the point of Mickey never having a stuffed animal) will be important/ at least be mentioned later on. Just be patient. It's not all bullshit what I write, it has meaning.
> 
> In case anybody wondered, the audiobook that is referenced here is LUNAR PARK by Bret Easton Ellis (he wrote American Psycho). I listened to the book for my Gothic Writing course and I really loved it. But I did make the references before finishing the book, so keep that in mind. 
> 
> Also, it's my little brother's birthday today. He's turning 11, and bc of that gets a Harry Potter "Party" (it's just my mom, brothers, grandfather and me) so I spent the entire day making Hogwarts House reveal muffins.  
> And yes, JK Rowling is a little transphobic cunt and Bret Easton Ellis is highly problematic and an asshole as well, but their work is still good.


	13. Seashells

The next morning, Ian and Mickey were woken up by a high pitched scream and then their bedroom door was ripped open.

“What the fuck?”, Mickey asked. Debbie stood in their bedroom, Ian pulled their blanket up, on impulse.  
“You’re getting married?!”  
Mickey looked at her and then at Ian, “Why don’t we have a lock for that door?”, he mumbled and lay back down, “Get out, ginger”

“We got engaged, yes, Debbs.”  
She ran around the bed and hugged Ian.  
“Congratulations”  
“Thanks, Debbs.”  
“Get out, Debbs”, Mickey imitated Ian’s voice.

“We need to celebrate this!”  
“Not now”  
“Yeah, yeah, tonight though. You’re not working tonight, right Ian?”  
“Uh, no, I don’t think so.”  
“Good, we’re having an engagement party, I’ll get some beer on the way home and tell Fiona to bring some pie from Patsy’s.”, she exclaimed and ran out of the room again.

Ian sighed and lay down again, Mickey turned around to him.  
“Is she getting married or are we getting married?”  
Ian smiled at him, “We are.”, he whispered and kissed him.  
Mickey grinned at him and kissed him again.

In the evening Debbie and Fiona organised a party for Ian and Mickey. Beer, soda, chips, leftovers from the diner, loud music. Franny was jumping around with Liam between the adults. Kevin and Veronica congratulated the two of them.

Mickey was grinning the entire evening, the engagement now seemed way more official to him. He loved the thought of being part of this family. Especially the sisters and Veronica bombarded them with questions – who proposed, how was it, did they cry (“Obviously not, Debbie, what the fuck?”) when will the wedding be?

Ian was kissing Mickey a lot while dodging the questions. But by the end of the party, they determined that they would get hitched within a week at city hall, without any big party or anything.

“Without a wedding?”, Debbie asked, “You can’t do that, what’s so unromantic.”  
“We’re only doing it to so quickly so I won’t have to testify against him in court. I know he didn’t do anything, but who knows what those bustard cops will come up with”, he shrugged and kissed Mickey’s temple, “When that whole thing is over and cleared up, we can have a big party.”

Mickey grinned, “Yeah, we don’t need some big princess party, with flowers and shit”, he said, “A bit more expensive booze though to celebrate.”  
Ian smirked and nodded, “That does sound good.”

“So just city hall and that’s it?”, Debbie sounded disappointed.  
Sandy came over to them with a beer, “Better stay with that plan, if you’re doing something bigger, Terry might hear about it and give you a bullet through the head as wedding present.”

“You think he’d do that?”, Ian asked.  
“He’s got a picture of Mickey in his room and shoots at it, calls it ‘ _shoot the faggot_ ’.”  
“So original.”, Mickey rolled his eyes, “Ain’t a big deal, where you ever at a Milkovich wedding where no one got shot?”  
Sandy shrugged, “Good point.”  
Fiona wrapped her arms around Ian from behind, “Getting some great in-laws there, Ian.”, she mumbled, Ian chuckled.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Over the course of the last two years, Lip’s life had a few ups and downs. Mickey never paid a lot of attention to him since he was busy dealing with Ian, and Ian was busy dealing with himself and was obsessed with trying to be a better boyfriend for Mickey. Of course, Lip’s situation didn’t go unnoticed by him and he did try to talk to him and help him, make him get help. But Lip wouldn’t take comments or advise from Ian of all people during that time.

He was drinking a lot. He was having an affair with a professor. He got lazy, did a lot of drugs. For some time he really tried with college do hard… but in the end, he was thrown off the college. Scholarship gone. Which threw him into a hole of alcohol abuse and weed.

He was sober now. He was working as a mechanic. He got a girlfriend, Tami. It was looking good for him again and Ian was happy about that (Mickey still didn’t particularly care)

Lip and Ian recently started getting closer again, now, that Lip was living at home again full time, had his life under control again and Ian was better with the pills and with Mickey. (Fiona consequently moved in with her boyfriend along the way, so Lip could have her room. There just wasn’t enough space, since Frank occupied Ian’s old bed in the boy’s room most nights.)

So Lip was naturally confused, more than surprised and happy like all the other Gallaghers, at the sudden announcement of a wedding. After the spontaneous engagement party, Lip had noticed something in Ian’s behaviour. The way he looked, how he was hesitant and didn’t really want to talk about marriage, wedding, how it all came together and so on. Mickey didn’t want to either, but that was just Mickey, really.

And since Mickey said, Ian proposed, it was all very weird to Lip.  
Why wouldn’t he talk to him about it first? Why was he so hesitant about it when he was the one who proposed in the first place? What was going on?

So, Lip decided to talk with Ian about it. From Brother to brother, without anyone around them, without the other siblings, without Mickey, without anyone. For his lunch break, he asked Ian to join him for some food.

Now they sat across from each other outside of a little diner.  
“It’s hot as balls, isn’t it?”, Ian said, “Shit, in winter I always miss the sun and in summer I think ‘oh if it would only snow now’.”  
Ian chuckled and drank some from his soda.

“So, how’s the job?”, Ian asked.  
“Good. Yeah, you know, by now I’m not even mad anymore they threw me out of college. This is where I’m supposed to be, this is what I’m supposed to do, you know?”  
“Well if you think so. I mean, the extra money from a college education probably wouldn’t have hurt.”  
“Nah, probably wouldn’t. But it’s fun, it’s fine. With Tami, everything’s fine, too. But I wouldn’t marry her, you know? It’s all very fresh, I don’t know if I’d do that… so”, he clicked his tongue, “How did you decide that, huh? Marrying Mickey?”

Ian bit his lip and looked at his food.  
“Oh you know, love him and want to spend my life with him. It’s all pretty clear. You’ll get it one day when you’re longer with Tami.”, he mumbled.  
“Hmm, yeah”, Lip nodded, “Are you excited about the wedding?”  
“Well, there’s not really gonna be a wedding. We’re gonna go to city hall next week.”  
Lip shrugged, “Are you excited about city hall?”, he asked slowly.  
“What’s supposed to be exciting about city hall? We’re going there, we’re signing a marriage licence application and then we’re gonna go back and get the little paper thing and then we’re married.”

“And… then?”, Lip asked.  
“Well, then we’re married.”, Ian repeated.  
“What, no big party, no wedding?”  
“No, no we have to do it quickly, because of that thing that happened at Mickey’s work.”, Ian insisted, “And you know, if they arrest him, wrongfully, I don’t have to testify against him in court.”

“So… you marry him because of the court thi-“  
“No. No, I don’t marry him just because of the court thing, no. You see, it’s called spousal _privilege_. And that’s all it is; it is a _privilege_ for, you know, for being married. So, it’s just a bonus, it’s not the reason I get married o him. I get married to him because I love him.”

Lip looked at him for a long moment.   
“Are you trying to convince me or are you trying to convince yourself?”  
Ian looked up, “Myself?”, he mumbled.

“So what, you don’t actually want to marry him?”  
“I- I want to, I mean… I…”  
“But you proposed to him.”  
“Yes, I proposed to him.”  
“But you don’t want to get married to him.”  
“I don…”, he sighed, “I don’t know.”

“You don’t – why would you propose if you don’t know?”  
“Because it’s just… this whole court thing is stressing me out, okay? Because I know, I think I know, that Mickey had nothing to do with it.”, he started rambling, “You know, with the robbery and the shooting and the colleague that was apparently his friend, but he never mentioned him to me? I’m very sure, he had nothing to do with it. He was apparently not even in the city when it happened. But I don’t know where he was, oaky? He told me he was at work, he told the police he was home. I don’t want to lie in court. And it’s just stressing me out and then Nadine told me about this privilege thing, and I thought, you know, if we get married, I at least wouldn’t have to stress about lying in court anymore and then I could only stress about Mickey probably going to prison. And that would be one thing I could stress less about and I thought that would be good, you know, because of my health and… yeah”

Ian sighed and leaned back in his chair.  
“Okay, uhm, I get that”, Lip said after a minute, “But you said that this court thing isn’t the only reason you get married to him.”  
“No, it’s not. It’s not the reason I get married to him. Uhm, it’s just… I don’t know, maybe it is… I don’t want it to be. And Mickey doesn’t want it to be. When I proposed to him and said that with the court thing, he said no. He said he doesn’t want to marry me for that, because it’s a bullshit reason to get married and I agree…”

Ian gnawed on his bottom lip, he looked at his hands, “But for the longest time, I thought he would never want to marry me. So, when I heard about this spousal privilege I thought, that would be the only way I could convince him to get married to me one day in this life. And when he said he would marry me for any reason except the court thing, it kind of… kind of came over me, you know? Like, without even thinking about it, all of a sudden I was proposing… and I’m not sure if it was the right thing.”

“Why not? I mean, if you were happy at that moment and thought being married to him was a great idea, why don’t you think so anymore?”  
“I… I mean…”, he signed, “Look, it’s all not so easy with him and me. I love him and I want to spend my whole life with him. I don’t have any doubt about that, I want to be with him forever. But… marriage doesn’t necessarily mean being together forever, you know? That’s like… it’s not like a relationship can only end in a break-up or a marriage, it’s… it could be way harder, you know? Way more complicated. I mean, either our relationship is not gonna change at all after we got married – then what would be the point of it? Or it would change _so_ drastically, and I don’t know in which way and…”

“That scares you?”  
“Yes it kind of really scares me.”, Ian shook his head, “You know what? It fucking terrifies me. This is all so fucked”, he said and kicked the table.

“And I think the worst thing is, we have to hurry up with it so much, because I want to have it done because they could arrest him and bring him to court and stuff. And if he was found guilty, he would be found guilty wrongfully, and I will try to fucking take him out of this country. But if he goes to prison I at least want to visit him in prison as his husband. I want that and I _need_ that. But it’s… I’m not sure about this whole thing. I don’t know if it’s the right thing to do and if it’s the right time to do it, I don’t know if we’re doing it for the right reasons and it’s – it’s all happening _so fast_. It’s like I don’t even have time to think this through and decide.”

“But you should have thought about this before you proposed.”  
“Yeah, I should have.”, he exclaimed, “But before that night that I proposed I never thought, I would ever propose to him ever again. Because when I was manic, he made it very fucking clear that he would _never_ marry me.”

“Well, but since he said _yes_ , he obviously wants to get married to you.”  
“Yeah, but I didn’t know that. I thought the topic was off the table… so… and then I kinda convinced myself that I don’t want to and now, I don’t know if I really want to… Do I just want it now because I thought I couldn’t have it? I don’t know… I just don’t know. And uhm…”

Ian sighed deeply rubbed his hand over his face, “You see, we always say that we had a pretty solid and stable relationship for six years. That’s what we tell ourselves: stable relationship, good relationship. It was a good relationship, but I don’t think it was very stable. I mean, it was until I got this fucking diagnose.”  
“But you handle the bipolar fine.”, Lip assured him, “With the pills and the therapy, and Mickey is handling it fine, too.”

“Yeah, that’s what it looks like, doesn’t it? That’s what it feels like, most days. But in the last two years? Stable? No. No.”, he stated and shook his head, “We had to fix a lot between us. A lot, because I… I and this disorder broke so much. You can’t imagine, how broken we actually were, and I think, you know… I talked about this with my therapist and I think, we both lied to ourselves about how broken we actually were. Maybe that’s our main problem, I don’t know… You see, our last two years weren’t very stable. I desperately tried to please Mickey, while Mickey tried to gain as much information about my disorder as possible, so he could _handle_ it. So he could handle _me_. And uhm, I spent two years being terrified that if I treat him wrong he would leave… Do you know what that feels like? It’s horrible. It’s just horrible.”

“But Mickey didn’t leave.”, Lip said, “He always said, he won’t leave.”

“And Mickey could say that he won’t leave as many times as he wanted, and I know he did, I was there when he said it, of course, he said it to me all the time. And technically I believed him, but I still thought… if I slip with the pills or if they stop working, if I get another episode… you know, if I fuck shit up – maybe Mickey wouldn’t be around anymore, he would leave.”

At that Ian took his pills out of his pocket, it was lunchtime so he had to take them now.  
“You remember that brief period last year, where the meds were kind of unbalanced or something and needed to be adjusted. You told me I was acting weirdly and I had to go back to the hospital, to the psych ward.”  
“Yes, and you did. Just the way you promised it to Mickey.”

“Yeah, after fighting it for two days.”, Ian deadpanned, “Mickey drove me there and I cried my eyes out every night. I mean, I was sedated, they drugged the shit out of me, but I think I still cried. Because all I could think about when I got a bit clearer was, when I got home, Mickey will be gone.”  
“But Ian, he wasn’t. He didn’t leave and he also never made preparations or plans to leave. The whole time he was at home he spent making sure everything would be fine for when you came back. He visited you in the psych ward, too.”

“I know. And yet I was terrified and yet I cried and yet I had a temper tantrum, which is the reason they kept me there for two more days, which is the reason I cried even more because I thought, _now it’s over and Mickey’s gonna leave, because I’m such a nut case they have to keep me here longer_.”; he rubbed his hands over his face, “It’s a fucking vicious cycle. You know?”

Lip sat up straight, he wasn’t sure what he could say that could calm Ian down.  
“ _No wonder, Mickey made him go see a therapist_ ”, Lip thought, “ _But what does that fucker help at all_?”  
“Okay, but doesn’t this marriage mean, that he really, 100 %, plans to stay with you forever, through all of it? Wouldn’t you want to archive this? To be sure of it, be sure of _him_ in this way?”

“I don’t know”, Ian said honestly, “Maybe yes, maybe no, I don’t know. I don’t know. I just don’t fucking know”, he threw his head back and let out a humourless laugh, “Oh god, I have no idea. I have no idea what it all could mean, how it’s going to be, how it’s all gonna play out. Isn’t that fucking awful?”

Lip stared at him like he was out of his mind.  
“Ian have you ever tried talking to him about this, I mean, this is serious stuff. Even if it’s just telling him that you want to wait with the wedding because you want to be clear about if you really want it, if it’s really the right thing, you know – talk to him! He’s your boyfriend.”

Ian bit his bottom lip, “I can’t talk to him. I just can’t talk to him about this.”  
“Why not?”  
“Because he said clearly, he doesn’t want to get married for the court thing. And if I now tell him that I’m not sure if this is the right thing, the right time, if we should do it at all – he would be mad at me. And I don’t want him to be mad at me.”  
“He can’t be mad at you for being insecure.”  
“No, but he could be disappointed. He would be so disappointed in me and I hate it when I disappoint him. I can’t stand it when I disappoint him. I disappointed him so often in our relationship, it’s just not fair.”

“So, what, you want to just pull through this whole thing without knowing if you really want it, just so he isn’t disappointed in you? Well, then that marriage is doomed to fail.”  
“That’s another thing, you know? Doomed to fail. _Doomed to fail_! Have you ever met a Gallagher, whose marriage lasted? Isn’t this marriage doomed to fail from start to finish?”

“I don’t know”, Lip shrugged, “You and Mickey are very different from all the other Gallagher relationships.”  
“Are we? Are we so different?”, he scoffed, “Are we so different from Frank and Monica?”  
“Well, I hope you are.”

“I don’t know if we are. What if we get married and we turn out to be exactly like them? Give it a few years and you have Mickey drinking his weight in whiskey, and me off my pills.”  
“Or not.”, Lip said calmly.  
“I don’t know if I want to build a future on a simple _or not_.”  
“Ian, you should talk to your boyfriend – _fiancé_! He’s your fiancé now. You should talk to him.”

Ian sighed, “That’s another sign that we shouldn’t get married isn’t it? That I can’t even talk to him about this? That I can’t say to him: _Hey maybe I’m not ready for it, maybe we should wait, maybe we should talk about it_. I don’t think I can do that. That’s a bad sign isn’t it?”  
“Yeah, that’s a pretty bad sign.”

Ian looked sadly at the table, “I love him”, he mumbled, “I don’t want to lose him. And I’ve been so close to losing him, so often, more often than I actually wanted to believe, you know? I’ve done mistakes and I spent the last two years working my ass off to make up for those mistakes because I never did before and Mickey just constantly tried to be better and better and better and better – and if he wants this marriage he deserves this marriage.”

“But if you don’t want this marriage, then it’s not gonna benefit him in any way.”, Lip explained. Ian looked at him thoughtfully, then he shook his head.

“No, it’s … I’m just gonna go through with it.”, he decided.  
“Ian, you probably really shouldn’t.”  
“No, Mickey deserves it. And if Mickey wants to get married, then we’re getting married. He’s been… he’s been through so much with me. If he wants this as a reward, he gets it.”  
“Marriage as a reward? Ian, this is not a game show.”

Ian sighed and looked at his brother with a shrug, “Mickey doesn’t have an alibi for the robbery. Someone died. And they want to lock him up just because of his last name, because of his tattoos, because of his juvie record… because of his last name. So, I’m gonna marry him. I’m gonna marry him, he’s gonna be Mickey Gallagher and I’m not gonna testify against him in court and if he goes to prison wrongfully, then I will visit him as my husband until he gets out again. That’s all I need to know and it’s all I need to be sure of.”, he said, took his pills and started eating.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The same night, Ian waited in bed for Mickey, who was still in the bathroom. Mickey came into the room with a bright smile, he took off his clothes and opened the window, it was august and unbearably hot. Mickey crawled up to Ian, straddled his hips and kissed him.

Ian wrapped his arms around him, kissed him back and then rolled over, burying Mickey underneath him on the mattress. Mickey chuckled and wrapped his legs around Ian’s hips.  
“Not in the mood to let me be on top?”, Mickey asked playfully, “Usually you love it when I ride you.”  
Ian smirked, “Let me do all the work tonight, I’ll make sure you’re gonna feel real fucking good”

Mickey kissed him again and pulled Ian’s shirt off his body. Ian hoped, if he would spoil Mickey in bed for the next thirty to forty minutes, he would put him in a good enough mood to talk about the upcoming appointment at city hall.

Ian made it to give Mickey almost fifty minutes of heaven. Ian was still lying on top of Mickey, who had his limbs wrapped around him tightly.  
“It’s so fucking warm”, Ian mumbled against Mickey’s skin and kissed his neck.  
Mickey smiled turned his head to kiss his lips, “Sounds like you’re not gonna be able to make another round just now, huh?”  
Ian laughed, “Still didn’t get enough?”  
“Of you, don’t think I ever will.”, Mickey grinned, “Of the smell of your after-sex-sweat on the other hand…”

Ian chuckled and rolled down from Mickey. He looked at him with a smile, Mickey sighed satisfied and closed his eyes. He loved him so damn much and he really didn’t want him to be mad or, worse, disappointed.

“Mick”, he asked softly.  
“Yeah?”  
“Are you sure you want to go through with the marriage thing?”

Mickey opened his eyes again and looked at Ian.  
“Why are you asking?”  
Ian shrugged, “Just, uhm, because of what Sandy said… about Terry.”  
Mickey nodded and shrugged, “I’m done with being afraid of him. He’s more obsessed with where your dick goes than I am. He didn’t come to shoot us here the last four years, I don’t see a trip to city hall changing that.”

Ian chewed on his bottom lip. Mickey seemed to think that they were done with the topic because he turned away from Ian to find his usual sleeping position.

“What would it change?”  
“Huh?”  
“Our trip to city hall… I mean, us getting married. What would it change? It should change something about our relationship, right?”

Mickey turned around to him again, “Why would it?”  
“Well, what would be the point otherwise?”  
“You’re the one who proposed to me, I guess you had your reasons. And I hope they were better ones than not testifying against me.”, he said with a stern voice.

Ian swallowed hard, “I proposed to you because I love you. I want to marry you because I love you”, he said, “I’m just saying… marriage changes people sometimes. Are you ready for that?”  
Mickey shrugged, “You changed so often during our relationship already. What are all those questions for, huh? Are you sure you want to go through with the wedding?”

“It’s not really a real wedding, we’re just getting hitched at city hall.”  
“And people think, you’re the romantic one out of the two of us”, Mickey smirked, “You want to do it all so quickly. I’m fine with it, we’re getting hitched next week, have a party with slightly more expensive booze afterwards and that’s it. Livin’ happily ever after.”

Mickey leaned over him and smiled.  
“You think it’s that simple? Being married?”  
Mickey shrugged, “I think, you’re thinking too much. Maybe it can be fucking simple for the two of us for once. From next week on, Gallagher, you’ll have it black on white: Good times, bad, sickness health”, he smirked, “Bipolar episode or medicated – doesn’t fucking matter anymore. It’s gonna be all _‘til death do us part_ and shit. I want that, don’t you?”  
Ian smiled up at him, “I do.”, he said but by no means was he surer of this whole thing than before. Quite the contrary: When Mickey said ‘ _’till death do us part_ ’ Ian’s stomach turned.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was two days before they planned to go to city hall to get their marriage licence application and all the paperwork done. Mickey wasn’t at home, he said something about having to deal with some paperwork issues for the city hall appointment. Ian was still uncomfortable with calling it the _wedding_ not only because it didn’t really feel like a _wedding_ but more like a city hall appointment, but also because he was still uncomfortable with the whole thing.

Ian was entertaining Franny today since he took his vacation now for the upcoming city hall appointment and the stress relating to the robbery. Franny wanted to watch some kiddie TV show, so Ian turned on the TV. Just when he wanted to change the TV station, the news program that was currently running switched to another topic.

_“The Chicago police arrested three main suspects in the Jewellery robbery a couple of weeks ago, during which a member of a security company was shot and killed. According to a source within Trystone security, one of the three robbers was the partner of the killed security guard and also on duty that night.”_

Ian sat on the couch like frozen. He stared at the screen wide-eyed. They arrested the men responsible for the robbery and none of them was Mickey.

It was over.

Ian let out a breath he felt like he was holding for weeks now. Mickey was truly innocent. They wouldn’t arrest him for shit he didn’t do, Ian wouldn’t have to testify in court. It was over and done.

And also… now Ian and Mickey didn’t have to get married as soon as possible anymore… they didn’t have to get married at all.

But he, of course, couldn’t tell Mickey about it like that. He couldn’t just cancel the wedding, no, now was the time to really talk about this with Mickey. He now had time to think this whole thing through. He just needed to convince Mickey to postpone the wedding.

Still, he was fucking excited about it now. He felt like a weight was lifted off his shoulders.

“Uncle Een”, Franny poked his shoulder and pointed on the TV.  
“Sure, Franny, sorry”, he said and changed the TV station, “You know what, your Uncle Mickey is innocent and won’t be arrested by the police, that’s great isn’t it?”  
Franny looked at him confused, “Police?”  
“The police leaves Uncle Mickey alone. Good right?”  
“Why?”  
“Because Uncle Mickey is innocent. So he’s gonna stay right here with us.”   
“Here?”, she asked looked around.  
“He’s not home right now. But he comes back later. Maybe you two can play something then, you like playing with Uncle Mickey, right?”  
Franny nodded, “Yes, play with Mr Octy and Splashy. Where is Splashy?”, she looked around, “Splashy?”, she shouted as if she expected her toy octopus to come running to her. The little girl gasped.  
“What?”  
“Splashy is still upstairs”  
“Upstairs in your room?”  
“In my bed. In mine”  
“I go get Splashy for you, Franny.”  
“Thanksshou”

Ian grinned and went upstairs to get Franny’s stuffed animal. He got his phone out to text Lip the good news.

 **Ian:** they arrested the guys who did the robbery they thought mcikey had something to do with! So thats fucking off the table so fucking relieved! Now we dont have to get fucking married anymore 😬 – just gotta trick him into postponeing the whole thing and shit when he gets hoem 🤔 but got a method for that down😉

Ian took the stuffed animal from Franny’s bed in Debbie’s room and went downstairs again while whistling. Franny put her finger on her lips and shushed her uncle because she wanted to watch the TV show in peace. Ian just laughed, gave Splashy to her and then got some cookies from the kitchen for both of them.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He was waiting for Mickey to come home, he said he would just be gone for an hour at most, but it’s been three hours now and he wasn’t back yet. Ian was confused, he tried to call Mickey on his phone, but he didn’t pick up.  
“Maybe the security company wanted him to go back to work right away”, Ian thought and shrugged it off. 

At some point, everyone was back home except Mickey. Now Ian got worried, after all, he sat at the dinner table with his siblings and tried to reach Mickey every other second.

“Ian, are you alright?”, Lip asked concerned, “The hell are you doing?”  
“I don’t know if you noticed, but Mickey isn’t here”, he said while biting his nails, “He keeps rejecting my calls, I don’t know what is going on.”

Lip looked at him confused, “I thought he was upstairs.”  
“He’s not, he didn’t come home, he just wanted to sort something out with the papers. Not that it would matter anymore now.”  
“Why doesn’t it matter anymore?”, Debbie asked.  
“The wedding is off. They arrested the people responsible for the robbery.”  
“What?”  
“We only rushed into the whole thing because the cops said Mickey was a person of interest in the robbery. Now we can take it slow.”

“That’s weird”, Lip said, “I met him earlier and he was suddenly gone, I thought he went home.”  
Ian looked at him with raised eyebrows, “You met him?”  
“We met coincidently near that little coffee shop by the garage, I was on break and wanted to go there and he was on his way back home, I thought we could talk a bit about the wedding and marriage since you weren’t able to.”

Ian bit his bottom lip with a bad feeling in his stomach that didn’t come from the leftover food.  
“Did you… did you say something to him?”  
Lip scoffed, “Of course not. I only asked what he’s thinking about it all going so fast and stuff and whether the two of you actually talked this through. I wanted to make him go talk to you.”, he shrugged, “I went to the restroom and when I got back he was suddenly gone. I thought he just didn't want to talk to me anymore.”

“Suddenly gone? But he didn’t come home.”  
Lip bit his lip, “Well, there’s another thing… the, uh, papers… they were still on the table but torn.”  
“Torn?”  
“Yeah, I don’t know why.”

Ian was staring down at his phone, he went to WhatsApp, suddenly fearing, he had sent the text to the wrong chat – but no, he only sent the “I’m so relieved I don’t have to get married to the love of my life” text to Lip.

“Lip… when did you read my message?”  
“Which one?”  
“How many did I sent today, huh? The one about Mickey and me not getting married, dumbass.”  
Lip shrugged, “I don’t know, I think I read it shortly before my break ended.”  
Ian bit his bottom lip… what if… “Shit, fuck”, Ian cursed, ignoring Franny sitting at the table too, he put his head into his hands, “Do you think he read it?”

Lip looked down at him with raised eyebrows, “I hope not, you really worded it in a way… you’re fucked if he read it.”  
Ian suddenly felt like he had to throw up. He pushed the food away from him, “Oh god”, he mumbled, “Oh fuck. He’s gonna hate me”

“Why? What the hell did you write?”, Debbie asked shocked.  
Ian was too busy panicking, so Lip answered: “He basically wrote how relieved he was that he doesn’t have to marry him and how he’s gonna trick him into agreeing to not get married with sex.”

Ian swallowed hard, “I didn’t mean it”, he whispered, “That’s not how I meant it.”  
“Are you sure? If that’s what you sent to Lip, maybe it really is what you mean from a place where you’re not trying to not hurt Mickey.”

Ian shook his head, he felt tears burning in his eyes, “He’s gonna be so mad at me. If he comes back home at all – like, ever again.”, he said, got up from the table and stormed upstairs.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 **Ian** : I don’t know if you read whatever I texted lip but I didn’t mean it mickey

 **Ian** : I LOVE YOU

 **Ian** : please come home

 **Ian** : let us talk for just a minute

 **Ian** : im sorry

 **Ian** : please answer me

 **Ian** : im worried about you

 **Ian** : I didn’t mean it the way it sounded

 **Ian** : please come home mickey I love you so much, lets talk abozt this

It was well past midnight now. Ian was sitting on the couch, desperately waiting for his fiancé to come home. He was his fiancé because the proposal was real, though they still didn’t wear real engagement rings. Okay, maybe he had meant what he texted Lip, maybe those were his first thoughts upon hearing Mickey wouldn’t be charged with anything – but it wasn’t the way Mickey should hear or read it. If Ian would have read such a text from Mickey, he would be hurt too, even if he was sharing the same feelings towards the wedding.

Around one in the morning, the door to the Gallagher house opened and Mickey came stumbling in. Ian stood up and they were looking at each other for a silent minute. Mickey was clearly drunk.

“I was worried about you”, Ian said quietly.  
Mickey gave him a hateful look and went to the kitchen.  
“Mick, please, just listen to me, please, just talk to me.”

But Mickey wasn’t in the mood for talking. He downed another beer, then he got a trash bag from a cabinet and stormed upstairs. Ian ran after him.

“Mickey, listen to me, I didn’t mean it.”  
Mickey scoffed, he went to the bedroom and started packing his stuff into the trash bag.  
“Mickey, I love you. Do you hear me? I love you, please stop”, he grabbed Mickey’s wrist, “Stop!”

Mickey looked at him with so much hate and anger that Ian got genuinely scared of him – he was a Milkovich after all. In front of him stood angry, aggressive, dangerous Mickey Milkovich, not future Mickey Gallagher. He pushed Ian’s hands away.

“Save it!”, he spat, “I told you I don’t want to get married just for the legal stuff and the second the legal reason is gone you go ‘thank fucking god I don’t have to marry him’!”

Mickey pushed his clothes into the trash bag and went to the bedside table.  
“That’s not what I meant – I just, I’m not fucking sure if this the right thing.”  
“You could’ve fucking thought about that before proposing! You could’ve talked to me you fucking bastard!”

“Mick, I know you’re hurt and – and I’m – I’m fucking sorry. Okay? Just stay here and we can talk it out.”, he begged him.  
Mickey took what he needed from the bedside table and then took the seashells he still kept from their beach vacation three years ago. He turned around to Ian and leaned to him.

“I’m done with you”, he growled, “I’m fucking done with your attitude. You’re always too fucking late, Ian. Do you get that? Always want to apologise and talk and start to think when it’s too fucking late. I’m done”

Ian looked at him and his breath stopped when he watched Mickey breaking the seashells he had kept so carefully right in front of him. Mickey pushed him out of the way and went to the door.

“Mick”, he said again and reached for Mickey’s hand, “Please, don’t – please just let us talk about this, please-“  
Mickey suddenly turned around to him and punched him across the face. The punch was so hard and came so surprising that Ian let go of Mickey and fell backwards to the ground.

Mickey left without another word, without even looking at him again.

Mickey hit him. He had never done this before, Ian had never thought it would really come to this one day.

Downstairs he heard the front door being thrown shut. A minute later, Lip came into the room, he was shocked when he saw Ian lying on the ground with a bloody nose. Ian sat up and touched his face, it was wet – but more from tears than blood. Lip tried to help him, but Ian only pushed his hands away, crawled into his bed and cried.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> According to my notes app and my outline, we're about half finished with the story... I don't think so but we'll see 
> 
> Did you see the new Gallavich scenes from 11x1? Not gonna give spoilers here, but damn it was so ooc! Ppl said S10 Mickey was ooc but honestly that was all explainable through his character development and what they went through as a couple, but this shit?! No.


	14. Nightmare

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: By the end of the chapter, we have a nightmare scene. TW for sexual assault/rape and violence

Ian stayed in his room for two days. Mickey’s phone was turned off. He didn’t come home again. “He won’t come home, you idiot, you blew it for good this time”, the nasty voice in his head said.

Ian was sure if Mickey would only listen to what he had to say. If he got the chance to talk about this and explain himself… “You should have talked to him before, moron”, the nasty voice in his head said, “Now you’re gonna die alone.”

Ian still made sure to take his pills but other than that basically didn’t move out of his bed. 

Eventually, he decided to get up and look for Mickey. Mickey wouldn’t come back on his own – if he ever came back at all.

Ian stepped out of his house, determined to talk to Mickey, explain it to him, talk it all out – but then he realised he had no idea whatsoever where Mickey could even be. Where would he go? Their spot? When Ian was upset and ran away, he went there thought it had been the middle of winter.

He walked the way to the high school bleachers. He used the time to think about what he would say to him and how he would even make him listen. He got to their usual spot to the metal post.

“Mickey?”, he asked looked around, but he couldn’t see him anywhere. There was no trace of any person living here.  
“Mick?”, he called again, but nothing.

Confused Ian left the bleachers again. Where else could he be? Did he go home to the Milkovich house? That seemed unlikely….

Still, Ian turned around and walked to the Milkovich house.

He stood in front of the house by the fence and looked up at it. The time that Ian and Mickey had spent in here as a couple were still the best two years they ever had, in Ian’s opinion. He took a deep break, opened the gate and walked up the steps to the porch. He hesitated again. He could hear loud voices from inside. He remembered, Mickey had told him not too long ago that Terry and his brother, Mickey’s uncle Ronnie, who was Sandy’s dad, were fighting all the time, which was why Sandy spent more time with mickey at the Milkovich house (honestly, most of the time he was talking to Debbie, what Ian found weird)

Hoping, he would meet Sandy rather than any other Milkovich, he knocked on the door. Then again, would Sandy give him answers at all? She definitely would be on Mickey’s side in this. Maybe she would beat Ian up – he really didn’t want to get a beat-up from Sandy Milkovich of all people, she was one of the most ruthless Milkoviches.

The door was pulled open and Ian took a step back out of surprise. To top it all of, was it Terry Milkovich who stood in front of him.

“The fuck do you want?”  
Ian cleared his throat, “I’m looking for Mickey.”  
“Thought, he’s living at your place.”, he grunted.  
“No, uhm, he moved out.”

Now that let a spiteful grin appear on Terry’s scarred face.  
“Did the boy finally come to his senses, huh?”  
Ian looked at him angrily, “Maybe he left me, but you know what? He’s always gonna be into men and cocks. You can’t change that.”  
“I should have put that kid into conversion therapy camp after he came home from juvie, bet that’s where they made him like it. Real Milkovich men are into vaginas, he’s gonna remember where he belongs.”

Ian clenched his jaw, “He’s gay, just fucking accept that. You can’t change that. And you know what?”  
“What, huh?”, he grunted.  
“He’s not gonna be a Milkovich man for long anymore because I will marry the shit out of him and he’s gonna take my name!”

Terry stared down at him with wide eyes, before blunt anger was back on his face.  
“He’s never gonna marry you, little gay carrot boy. Milkovich men marry vaginas and don’t take others’ names. I will put a bullet in his head before it comes to this.”  
“Yeah? Fucking try, asshole!”

Terry reached behind him for something and then pointed a gun at him suddenly, Ian took a step back and raised his hands in surrender. He swallowed hard.  
“Maybe I practise on you, bet that’s gonna break his little faggot heart, huh? Huh?!”  
Ian bit his lip, “Right now you probably would do him a favour with killing me, so he doesn’t have to do it himself. Are you proud of yourself, huh? The way you’re raising your kids? To hit people when they’re upset instead of talking? That the right way?”  
“Yeah, it’s the right way, when I break your jaw you’re at least not yapping anymore!”, Terry yelled at him.

“Terry, stop it”, a voice appeared behind Ian now, it was Sandy, but she sounded downright bored with the situation, “People are gay, get over it. Get inside, if anyone beats this pussy up, it’s me.”  
“Who do you think you’re talking to, huh?”  
“Go fight with Ronnie, I think he moved the couch again last night.”

Terry straightened his back, “He did what?! Ronnie you fucking asshole, come here!”, he screamed and went inside, “What the fuck did I tell you about moving my furniture?”

Ian looked down at Sandy, “Are you gonna beat me up now?”  
Sandy rolled his eyes, “Nah, just said that so he leaves. Mickey’s gonna do that himself.”  
Ian bit his bottom lip and came down the stairs, “Do you know where he is?”  
“Yap”, she said and lit a cigarette for herself.  
“Are you going to tell me?”

Sandy looked at him, “He doesn’t want to see you.”  
“I know, but I need to talk to him.”  
“He taped a photo of your face on a creepy old doll and emptied his clip in it the other day. Wouldn’t tell me what you did though, only said something about cold feet and lying.”

Ian bit his lip, “I made a mistake, okay, but it’s not as bad as it seems.”  
“Seems like your relationship went to shit.”  
Ian sighed and looked at his feet, “Just tell me where he is… please. He’s my boyfriend I need to talk to him.”

“Boyfriend, huh? Weird, the last update I got was that he was your fiancé. And now he told me, he broke up with you, which, technically makes him your ex-fiancé, not your boyfriend anymore.”  
Ian bit his bottom lip hard, “He’s still my boyfriend.”  
“I don’t think you know how break-up’s work.”  
Ian sighed, “I’m trying to fix it, okay? I love him, just tell me where he is so I can talk to him.”  
Sandy rolled her eyes, “First, tell me how old your sister is.”

“My sister?”  
Sandy nodded, “Debbie. She said she’s nineteen, but two years ago I’m pretty sure she was fifteen or sixteen, so… tell me, would it be illegal to go down on her or not?”  
“On… Debbie?”  
“Yes.”

Okay, Debbie had told him a while ago that she thought she was into girls, but this was a development Ian didn’t expect.  
“Uhm, she’s eighteen.”  
Sandy smiled, “Lucky me.”  
Ian looked at her with raised eyebrows, “You know you’re talking about my five years younger sister here, right? She’s six years younger than you.”  
Sandy shrugged, “She started flirting with me, for one. Also, you’re the one who fucked up my cousin, so if I were you, I’d shut up.”

Ian bit his lip, “Can you tell me where he is?”  
Sandy sighed, “The buildings out in the fields. What used to be our place and then your place and shit.”  
“There? Why would he go there?”  
Sandy looked up at the house and then at Ian again, “Maybe because after you made him come out, his father would rather shoot him than let him come back? Now excuse me, I have some tits to explore”, she said, turned around and walked back to the Gallagher house.  
Ian grimaced and shook his head.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

When Mickey had set fire to their place at the abandoned buildings of course it hadn’t burned down. But because of the fire, more people knew about them now. Many homeless people stayed here, also teenagers that ran away from home, drug addicts, punks, there was a drug business going on – now it was just a regular part of the south side, it seemed. It wasn’t a secret anymore.

Ian hadn’t been here in five years. It used to be _their place_. They always spent their summers here. When people asked him for how long he and Mickey had been together most of the time he wouldn’t say “six years”, though it’s officially been six years. No, he would say “seven years” or “eight years” because for him the two years before they actually got together counted too.

He fell in love with Mickey during that time. They spent a lot of time here, at this place, so it became their place. Ian missed it sometimes, it reminded him of a simpler time.

Mickey had burned the place when the time stopped being simple. Ian wished, they could go back to this place, to being simple.

He walked down the trail to the building that used to be their place.  
“Mickey?”, he asked, “Mickey? Mickey, are you here?”  
He got the attention of some of the people lying around on the ground. They just raised their heads and then looked away again.

Ian entered the room they had spent most of their time in and he noticed that only one person was here. Mickey sat on the ground, leaning against a wall, he was smoking, beer bottles and cans lay around him, he had a gun, which is probably how he managed to be the only one in the room.

“Mickey”, Ian said relieved, he walked over to him, “I was worried about you.”  
Mickey barely even looked up at him, Ian secretly looked at his arms, worried to find marks that indicated a similar drug use to the other residents.  
“Mickey, please come back home. Please, I miss you. I’m sorry. Let’s just talk about, okay? Just come back home.”

“I am fucking home.”, Mickey growled.  
“This is not your home.”  
“It is now, so piss off!”

“Mickey, I don’t want to leave this place without you”, Ian mumbled.  
“Well, I don’t give a fuck anymore about what you want. Leave.”  
“Mick, please… I know you’re hurt, okay? I’m sorry, but I didn’t mean it the way I texted it to Lip, okay? It’s not that I was so happy that I didn’t _have_ to marry you and all, or- or-“  
“Just stop fucking talking!”, Mickey yelled at him and got up, “I’m so tired of you and your voice, I’m so tired of all this bullshit from you!”

They stared at each other for a moment, Ian had never felt so small and helpless in front of Mickey.

“We’re done, Ian. _Done_. Maybe I wasn’t the best in school, but I still know how to spell it and I’m gonna carve it into your skin if you don’t fuck off.”  
“Mickey, we’re not… we can’t be done, I don’t accept that.”  
“I don’t give a fuck if you accept it. Leave me alone.”  
“No”, Ian wanted to cry, he stepped closer to him, wanted to touch his face and make him look at him, but Mickey pushed him away, “Mickey, I love you. I love you. Come back home, we can talk about this.”

“You should have talked about this before you proposed! And even if not, you should have talked to me about it before sending your brother that stupid text! And before, we did talk about it and I asked you ‘do you want to go through with it’ – you could have said something.”, he spat, “You didn’t.”

Ian looked to the ground ashamed, he was desperately looking for words, for an explanation, something that could ease Mickey’s pain and make him forgive him.

“I didn’t know how to say it”, he whispered, he bit his lip and looked up at him, “So, okay, I wasn’t ready for it. I’m not sure if I’m ready for it.”  
“Then why the fuck did you propose? I told you, I don’t want to get married for some legal court shit! And you said, that’s not the reason you’re proposing. And the minute the court thing was off the table, you chickened out.”, there was so much anger and hate in his voice, he had never talked to him like this before, at least not when Ian wasn’t manic, “This was never about you loving me and it wasn’t about you trusting me, no. It was about saving your own skin with the not lying in court thing. That’s all you could think about because you’re a selfish fucking prick who never thinks about anything before doing it! And I’m done with it!”

“Mickey, I’m trying. I’m giving my best-“  
“If that’s your best I don’t fucking want it!”

Mickey went to one of the window-holes in the wall where beer bottles stood in a row, he took one of them, twisted it open, took a gulp and then pointed at him, “Do you realise”, he said and looked at him again, “What this relationship was the entire time? I lived the way you wanted me to. You said, come out or we’re done. I came out and I took a beating and because of that, I have no other place to than this drug dump – because if I would go home, my dad would kill me. Because of you!”

“Mick, that’s a fucking old story, why do you always have to bring that up?”, he said frustrated.  
“Because it’s still affecting me. It may be an old story for you, but it never affected you, Ian. It went the way you wanted it, so you’re done with it. That’s how it always went: No matter what you wanted, I did it! You wanted me to get a fucking job, I did it. You wanted us to put our money together, I did it. You wanted to have control over our money, I let you. You said you want to get away from me to go to the clubs and let men drool all over you, I let you! I always did everything for you! You got sick, mentally ill, depressed, manic – you fucking kidnapped me! And I stayed with you! I’m paying your therapist and your pills and I’m making sure you take them. And I stay with you and I tell you that I’ll stay with you and it’s never enough for you, never!”

Mickey was coming closer to him, taking aggressive steps towards him and Ian could already feel his face hurting again, for he was sure, Mickey would hit him again.

“And now, the only fucking thing I want in return is a little bit of security that you at least _plan_ to stay with me. And I don’t even get that! I’m done with it! I’m done with you”, he looked down at him with so much hate and disgust, as if Ian was a cockroach.

“Mickey…”  
“Safe your fucking ‘ _Mickey_ ’”, he imitated Ian’s high pitched voice, chocked from the tears that were dwelling in his eyes, “Accept it: You blew it, Ian. Okay? At some point I’m just – I can’t take you anymore. And we’re at that point.”

“Mick, you don’t mean that.”  
“How would you know what I mean?”  
“You love me”, Ian insisted, “You love me, and I love you. We’re supposed to be together. Okay? And maybe we’re even supposed to get married, I don’t know. I don’t know if it’s the right thing if now is the right time. Maybe we can figure it out together… I just want you back”, he said desperately.

Mickey looked at him and sadly shook his head, “There is no figuring it out together, Ian”, he said and turned away from him, “There just… I don’t know. I’m done with being treated like this. And I’m done with you always being too late with everything. You needed almost two years to apologise for getting me beaten up by my dad. You needed depressed episodes to be sad and sorry about that. You need a therapist and a mental illness to apologise for how you treat me.”

“I tried over the last two years, I tried really hard to be the best boyfriend for you.”  
Mickey stood further away from him again, he leaned against a wall and shrugged – he shrugged in this situation – “I know you tried. I know you did. And yet, I know you and you don’t know me. Because I know that you’re still insecure about me leaving you. And that’s why I told you over and over and _over_ again that I won’t leave you – and you didn’t believe me. And now I told you that I don’t want to get married for some bullshit legal reasons and you said you want to get married to me because you love me, but since you chickened out first chance you got, I guess you don’t.”

“You guess I don’t what?”  
“You don’t love me.”, he stated and it shocked Ian.

He stared at him with an open mouth.  
“How – how can you say that?”, he asked in a thin voice, “Of course I love you. I love you more than anything.”  
“So, you just don’t love me enough to marry me.”  
“That’s not what this is about. I mean, marrying you or not isn't about the amount of love that I have for you-“  
“Of course it is!”, Mickey insisted.

Mickey bit his lip while staring at him from across the room, “You asked me what marriage would change for our relationship. Well, I’m telling you. I’m telling you what it would fucking change: It would show me, that you’re serious about this, for once.”, he said sternly with crossed arms in front of his chest, “You’re mentally ill. And one day it could make you do whatever. And I told you that no matter what it would do, I stay with you as long as you at least try with the meds in between. And all I want in return for all this shit that you put me through is security. Just a little bit of fucking security, that you plan on staying with me, being with me, security that no matter what you end up doing to yourself, me or us, you love me. That’s all I’m asking of you: A piece of paper that says you actually want this. And if I don’t get that, our relationship is just pointless. Just fucking damn pointless. And it doesn’t make sense to continue this.”

Ian rubbed his palms over his face, his face was as red as his hair, “So what, do you want to live here now? In this shithole and die or get stabbed by some drugged out kid?  
“Well, that’s none of your concern anymore.”

“Of course it’s my concern, I love you, I love you Mickey”, he was crying out of desperation now, “I don’t know, but this marriage thing … something about it feels wrong. I don’t know what.”  
“Then better figure it the fuck out!”, Mickey yelled at him, ignoring the tears, “But I’m not gonna be your ‘will I be ready for marriage one day’ experiment. So, when we were younger, you gave me an ultimatum: Come out to your father and the rest of your family and get at least one serious beating or we’re done forever. And now I’m gonna give you an ultimatum, Ian: Either you marry me or we’re fucking over. Forever. And don’t bullshit me with ‘ _but Mickey I love you_ ’ and ‘ _Mickey this_ ’ and ‘ _Mickey that_ ’ – Mickey has had enough of it! Fucking enough.”

Ian couldn’t answer, how was he supposed to decide this? The thought of a wedding made his stomach turn and he didn’t know why, but the thought of losing Mickey…  
“Either you can give me this security and let me fucking settle down and be calm or I’m gonna move on. That’s all I have to say about it, and now you will fucking leave before I take this gun and make you leave.”

Ian looked at the gun which lay on the ground.  
“It’s not an ultimatum without a time limit, is it?”, Mickey said, “How much time did you give me, huh? The few minutes you needed to walk through the bar?”  
“What’s your time limit for me?”, he whispered.  
Mickey licked his bottom lips, “Three days. Thursday at five I’m leaving this place, this city, even this fucking country if I have to and you’re not gonna see me ever again.”

Ian bit his bottom lip hard and then quietly left the place. At home, he found Franny in front of the TV, and if Ian heard it correctly, Debbie was in her room with Sandy Milkovich.

Ian sighed and sat down next to Franny, “Sometimes I think, only one Milkovich-Gallagher couple can be happy at once, you know?”  
Franny shrugged.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The next day he visited Fiona in her diner in the evening. While she moved in with her boyfriend over a year ago, she still showed up at the Gallagher house pretty often. She wasn’t used to not being in control over the whole thing. She was prepared in case the whole situation would collapse after all and she had to come back to save the day. But most of the Gallaghers were grown up by now. Lip was 25, Ian would turn 24 in October, Debbie was 18 and a mom, Carl 17 and Lip would turn 11 this year – they didn’t need their older sister to play mommy anymore.

Fiona was happy to see her brother, hugged him and ruffled his hair, Ian couldn’t even bring himself to form a smile. He sat down at the counter, the diner was almost empty.

“So, what’s up? I heard the wedding was cancelled since the police aren’t interested in Mickey anymore.”  
Ian nodded, “I made a mistake, Fi”, he mumbled.  
“Oh, what kind of mistake?”  
“With cancelling the wedding… the way I – I went about it… Mickey broke up with me”, he scrunched up his face to not start crying again.

Fiona looked down at him compassionately, “Oh, Ian, I’m sorry. Lip told me he didn’t show up at the house in days, but not that you really broke up.”  
Ian nodded, “I talked to him yesterday. He, uhm, he gave me an ultimatum. Either I marry him or we’re over.”

Fiona licked over her bottom lip, “Oh”, she mumbled, “Well, what are you gonna do?”  
Ian shrugged, “I don’t know… I don’t want to lose him, but I don’t know… this whole wedding thing… I don’t know if I should do it, you know?... what do you think?”

Fiona breathed out of his nose and shook her head, “Honestly? Don’t marry him.”  
“What?”  
“I don’t deny I’ve never been Mickey’s #1 fan. I’m sure he was a good boyfriend, he helped with the meds a lot, sure. But marriage? Gallaghers and marriage don’t mix well. It’s pointless for us, all that will happen to your relationship when you get married is that it goes to shit. And then you have get a divorce and if you get a divorce you probably will also have to pay alimony for him or some shit. It’s not worth it.”

Ian sighed, “I’m afraid of that too”, he mumbled, “A divorce isn’t as simple as a break-up. I don’t ever want to break up with him actually, but… I don’t know, this is all so messy.”, he out his face into his palms.

Fiona nodded, “Ian, you can always find someone else”, she said softly.  
“I don’t want anyone else. He’s the best I could ever have.”  
“That’s not true. Don’t put yourself down like this, you can find someone better, someone, who doesn’t make you choose like this. Mickey should be happy that he had a person like you, you’re way too good for some violent Milkovich.”

Ian shook his head and looked at her angrily, “What are you even saying? Mickey was the best boyfriend I could ever ask for, if one isn’t good enough for the other here, it’s me who isn’t good enough for him.”

Fiona sighed, “Ian… Lip told me what really happened”, she confessed.  
“What do you mean?”  
She gave him a look, “He hit you.”

Ian looked at her with an open mouth, he lifted his hand and touched the area around his eye which was still bruised.

“Only once”, Ian mumbled, “He was angry and drunk, he didn’t-“  
“You already start sounding like some abused girlfriend. I once met one of Iggy’s girlfriends. Milkoviches are all the same after all. At first, the whole ‘dangerous thug’ thing may be fun and exciting and hot, because he’s hitting anyone but you - until he does.”

Ian crossed his arms in front of his chest, “Mickey isn’t abusive or anything, Fi. He hit me once while he was in deep emotional distress and was breaking up with me. Mickey isn’t his dad.”  
“Once a man starts hitting, he doesn’t just stop again. Especially not if you let him get away with it. And now? Either you marry him or he beats you to a pulp, or what?”

“No. No, he wouldn’t. He hit me once in six years, okay? I put him through a lot in all that time so he freaked out at one point. That doesn’t mean he will do it again.”

Fiona shook her head, “I bet he will. This ain’t some cute love story, Ian. You’re a Gallagher, he’s a Milkovich – either he ends up an abuser like his dad and you end up dead like his mom, or you end up off your meds like Monica and he drunk like Frank. Don’t marry him. It can only go wrong.”

Ian looked up at her. With those words she hit home, that was exactly what Ian was afraid of. And though Fiona basically just voiced his fear and insecurities, he was quick to jump to Mickey’s defence.

“Mickey would never be like his dad. His dad is a violent, sadistic, homophobic prick, who only thinks about himself. Mickey cares about other people: About me and Mandy, Sandy, Franny, Debbie, Liam – he is more Gallagher than Milkovich by now.”  
“And Gallaghers aren’t made for marriage. We just don’t mix. So him being more Gallagher than anything else, doesn’t help your case.”

Ian stared at her angrily and then pushed himself up from the stool and angrily stormed out of the diner.

“Fucking bitch”, he thought, “Mickey would never abuse me!”

Okay, Mickey hit him, gave him a bloody nose and a black eye, but Ian felt like this punch was six years in the making. At some point, Mickey had enough and Ian really made it to upset this man so much, hurt him so much that he hit him when he touched him.

Ian loved Mickey more than anything… actually, there was no doubt that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with him. He didn’t want anyone else, never wanted anyone else. Okay, marrying your first real boyfriend (minus his married boss whom he dated when he was 15) maybe was weird and seemed like a bad idea – but they were Ian and Mickey. If any other couple would have gone through all the shit they went through, they wouldn’t be together anymore.

So it should be easy, right? He wanted to spend his life with him, so he should marry him because that was exactly what it would mean, right?

_’till death do us part_

The thought of that sentence made his stomach turn, still. It sounded wrong, it sounded like it was some big mistake.

Marrying Mickey would mean that he really could keep him forever, that Mickey would never leave him – that should make him happy, right? But it didn’t. The thought Mickey would sign a legal document and with that, it was written in stone that Mickey would stay by his side made him sick and dizzy. It was wrong. He couldn’t put his finger on what was wrong about it, but it was wrong. It felt wrong and unfair towards Mickey.

When Ian got finally home, he let himself fall on the sofa, face-first into the cushions.  
“Ian is that you?”, Debbie called from the kitchen. She came to the living room and looked down at Ian, “Are you alright?”  
“Sure, my whole relationship is going to shit, other than that everything’s great.”  
“Did you take your meds?”

Ian raised his head, “What’s the point, huh? Mickey’s not coming back one way or another, why should I keep caring about pills and disorders or that fucking job and saving money? Who the fuck cares anymore?”

“I’d say the rest of the people living in this house care a lot.”, she sighed, pushed Ian’s legs from the couch and sat down next to him. Ian groaned and sat up too, “So, Mickey’s not coming back?”

Ian shrugged and bit his lip, “He gave me an ultimatum.”  
“An ultimatum?”  
“Either we’re getting married or it’s over.”

“Okay… and that’s a hard decision?”  
“Yes, Debbie, I don’t know if marriage is the right thing for us. Marriage and Gallaghers don’t mix well. What if we get married and everything’s going to shit, huh? Then we have to get a divorce. Or we would end up like Frank and Monica… I don’t want that.”

Debbie frowned at him, “You don’t want to get married to him because you’re afraid of a divorce?”  
“Yeah… maybe.”  
“That’s like saying you don’t want to date him because you’re afraid of a break-up. “  
“A divorce isn’t the same as a normal break up.”, Ian mumbled.

“I still don’t get why this is so hard. A few years ago, would you have used the first opportunity you got to marry him or not?”  
Ian shrugged, “I would have. But that was before the bipolar diagnosis and all this shit. Back then it was simple.”  
“The way I see it, it still could be simple. You’re the one making it hard. Do you love him? Do you want him to be happy?”  
“Of course.”  
“Then marry him. Make him happy. He deserves it. Besides, for me, he’s been a brother-in-law for years already, and you’re the one who started referring to him as ‘Uncle Mickey’ towards Franny. You can’t convince me that you don’t want to be married to him.", Debbie got up, “Take your pills and eat something. If the ultimatum is break up or get married to the love of your life, it shouldn’t be hard to choose.”

Ian looked at her, “You and Sandy a couple now?”  
Debbie looked back at him surprised, “I don’t know. How do you even know about that?”  
Ian shrugged, “You know, I have a theory.”  
“What kind of theory?”

“I start to think that only one Gallagher – Milkovich couple can be happy at the same time. Mandy and Lip broke up shortly before Mickey and I officially started dating. When we almost broke up, they got back together. While Mickey I were happily living in the Milkovich house, they broke up again. Now Mickey broke up with me and suddenly Sandy wants to scissor you like you’re a dotted line that says ‘cut here’ … also, I think Fiona hinted she once had something with Iggy. I see a pattern here and I don’t like it.”

Debbie stared down at him, “Suuure.”, she said slowly, “Or, stay with me now, you just don’t want to deal with your feelings regarding the wedding. I’ll go upstairs, wanted to send Sandy a selfie… do you have a sharpie, I want to draw a dotted line and little scissor symbol on my-“  
“In my bedside table and please don’t continue that sentence.”

Debbie grinned, winked at him and went upstairs.

Ian stayed on the couch for a while before going to the kitchen, he took his pills, ate some dinner and went upstairs.

When he finally got into bed, he could only stare at the empty space that belonged to Mickey. The night before, he had simply cried himself to sleep, so the emptiness of the bed wasn’t as prominent on his mind as it was right now.

Ian pulled Mickey’s pillow to him, it smelled like him. He always loved how Mickey smelled, Mickey always called him weird and creepy when Ian would put his nose into his hair or against his neck to smell on him, but by now he got so used to it, it was just another part of cuddling. Cuddling was another thing Mickey used to just not understand the use of, now he knew Ian needed them sometimes, so he let him embrace him and hold him whenever he wanted.

Being a good boyfriend looked so effortless when Mickey did it. He wished he could just be like that, just do the right things unprompted, just know exactly what Mickey needed when.

But he wasn’t. All Ian ever did was pressure, hurt and disappoint Mickey. And yet Mickey always stayed.

Why the hell did he stay?

During their first year, Ian almost broke up with him because he wouldn’t hold his hand in public, now Ian was mentally ill and lied to him about the proposal and Mickey still wanted to get married to him somehow! Maybe Mickey was the crazy one out of the two of them after all.

Ian had often asked himself, why Mickey didn’t leave when he told him, he was free to leave and shouldn’t feel guilty when he got his diagnosis. He convinced himself it was because of love. But was it love?

Where else was Mickey supposed to go? There was no money to move, thanks to Ian. Mickey didn’t have any other home or place to go, thanks to Ian. Did Mickey stay because he truly wanted to be with him or because he just didn’t have any other option? Did he only stay, because he was trapped in here?

In a way, Mickey was like a trapped animal. He lived with a sick boyfriend, whose mental illness guilted him into staying, so he wouldn’t look like an asshole who just leaves a sick person. He lived with the family of the sick boyfriend who additionally guilted him into staying, because he didn’t want to seem weak or like an asshole to them either, plus, they used to tell him that Ian needed _him_ , that _he_ was responsible for him because he was his boyfriend.

Ian had told Mickey, _If you want to go, go._ And he was relying on Mickey’s willpower to leave when it got too much for him, for his own sake, so they wouldn’t crash and burn like Frank and Monica. But did Mickey ever have that willpower? Like Mickey said, he spent years doing whatever the hell Ian wanted him to do. He couldn’t rely on Mickey to leave if he had to – and if they were married? It obviously meant a lot to Mickey. As his husband there was no way whatsoever he would get up and leave – that should be calming, right? Ian should love that Mickey would never leave. But he didn’t. Not one bit. If anything, it scared the fuck out of him. He didn’t want to put Mickey through more than he could take, he didn’t want to break him like Monica broke Frank.

Frank could have had a decent life, with a decent job and a decent wife and a decent relationship with his kids. Then Monica came along and now Frank was sleeping in Ian’s old bed in a room he shared with his two youngest sons, with a new liver and a kidney less than before, drunk every day and still having crying fits over Monica now and then. He didn’t want Mickey to become that.

Ian felt salty tears running down his face, he blinked and looked at Mickey’s bedside table. The octopus plushie sat on it, he was turned on his happy, purple side. Ian leaned over and took it, he held it in his hands and turned on the green, angry side.

 _“If they put me in prison after all maybe I can take this thing with me_ _._ _Got at least something of you with me, then.”_ He could hear Mickey’s voice in his head. He put the octopus on Mickey’s side of the bed. At least, he got something of Mickey with him. He fell asleep.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mickey stood in front of him. Ian was looking at him out of his own eyes, at the same, in episodes, he looked at the scene from the outside, as if he was simultaneously himself and a ghost or someone else, who was watching a movie.

Mickey and he were fighting, Mickey held the pill bottles, shook them in front of Ian’s eyes, he wanted Ian to take them. Ian in his ghostly state noticed a ring on Mickey’s finger covering the letter _u_ on his knuckles.

Ian slapped Mickey’s hands away, he jumped up and jumped through the living room to the kitchen.

Ian could barely understand his own words, but whatever he said seemed to upset Mickey, who stared at him worriedly.

The scenery started to get dark and flimsy, blurry – then it was another scene. He saw Mickey walking up the stairs of the Gallagher house.

He wasn’t himself, no he was in the ghostly state.

He watched Mickey opening the door to their bedroom. And then he saw himself on the bed fucking someone. Someone else who wasn’t Mickey. Upon seeing Mickey, he barely reacted. He looked at him and he grinned and he laughed and he said: “Join in, it’s fun.”

There were drugs on the bed and there was booze on the bedside table and there were no meds. Somehow Ian knew, he had flushed the pills and he hadn’t taken them for a long time.

In his ghostly state, he watched Mickey – and the scariest thing was: it didn’t seem to be a new scene.

No, no this Mickey already knew this situation. He looked as hurt as he probably was able to feel hurt since he was also completely drunk. Ian now noticed this. Mickey clumsily walked over to the bed, took one of the bottles standing next to the bed, he took a swing and then crushed the bottle on the other man’s head.

No, this wasn’t a new scene to either of them, except to the guy underneath Ian maybe.

In his ghostly state, Ian wondered, what they would do with the man now. Was he still alive? Did Mickey kill him? What would Ian do? Would they bury him in the backyard? What was all of this about?

Mickey was drunk and Ian was manic and he didn’t even seem to give a fuck. He would probably keep fucking the guy underneath him even if he was dead and then probably would let him rot in the bed afterwards.

Now Mickey started screaming and yelling at him. Incomprehensive things, sentences that didn’t seem to belong to each other, as if they were taken from different conversations and different fights that were all about the same situation, all mashed together.

And Ian in his ghostly state wanted to cry, but the Ian sitting on the bed, who was also he himself, and he could again switch between looking out of his eyes or look at the scene from afar, he didn’t seem to care. He was unfazed by Mickey’s temper tantrum.

He stood up from the bed and he pushed Mickey against the dressed and he kissed him and he laughed and he said: “Don’t take everything so seriously, Mickey. Just want to have some fun, can’t you ever understand that? Do you always have to come with your pills and your meds – you know I don’t like them. I thought we had that: You won’t make me take them anymore, huh?” and he kissed him again and Mickey pushed him away and Ian didn’t care, barely even noticed.

“In good times, bad”, Ian said now and the words burned Ian’s ears, “You married me, you have to deal with this. You said, you would deal with it. You said you won’t make me take them. And we’re married you can’t take it bahack”, he kept talking in a sing-song voice, “Sickness and health, good times, bad, richer or poorer – even though we’re all poor and we’re only gonna be even poorer because you drink and snort all our money away.”

And Ian laughed and Mickey didn’t. Mickey took a swing from the bottle again and Ian wondered where it came from since he actually crashed it on the other man’s skull – the man was gone now from the bed, too.

And Ian wondered what it all meant.

This was what he was always afraid of: they would get married and they would turn into Monica and Frank. And he would _ruin_ Mickey. Mickey did look ruined… and hurt. And Ian didn’t seem to care.

Ian just tried to touch him and tried to kiss him again and laughed wanted to be playful and Mickey pushed him away and said “Stop it”  
He slapped his hand away and said it with more force in his voice: “Stop it!”

And the scenery changed again.

They were in the kitchen now and Ian was looking out of his own eyes again. He was seeing Mickey standing in the kitchen, preparing something for dinner.

He was horny. He was sex-driven and hypersexual like he was when he was manic. He knew this feeling, even though he only knew what this feeling was when he didn’t feel it, when he wasn’t manic, when he was normal, in a sense. And then he could describe the feeling and knew what it meant.

When Ian was manic he had no clue what was going on, so he was horny like that and he walked up to Mickey. He kissed his neck – Mickey always liked that, but now he didn’t.

Mickey smelled like alcohol and nothing like Mickey usually smelled. His hands were shaking while he was trying to cut an onion - no not an onion, a carrot, he was cutting a carrot.

“Stop it”, Mickey said and pushed him away, but Ian didn’t stop.  
“I’m horny, Mickey. Let me have you, I know you want it.”, Ian said and Mickey said “Stop it” again and he repeated it again and again with more force in his voice, more annoyed and deeper with every time he said it.

But Ian didn’t stop. No. Ian pushed down his pants and pushed him over the kitchen counter.

And Mickey was shouting, told him to stop, and Ian had no control.

He was in his ghostly state again and he was watching it from the kitchen table and he had no control and Mickey looked at him. Now he looked at Ian in his ghostly state, directly at him. So much pain in his eyes – but again, Ian could see that this wasn’t new. This was a regular occurrence apparently. And it killed Mickey.

He was still telling Ian to stop.  
“Stop it! Stop!”, he pushed against him with all his force, but it was no use. His hands were quickly feeling around on the kitchen countertops for as far as he could reach until he could grab something – he took a frying pan and hit it against Ian’s head with as much force as he could.

Ian let go of mickey, he stumbled back and looked at him confused.

“Stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it”, Mickey’s voice was desperate, he wasn’t screaming he was whispering desperately, as if he was praying, and he slowly sank to the ground in the kitchen.

Ian just looked at him, not understanding what was going on, not understand what he did wrong.

“What’s going on with you? Huh? What is going on with you?”, he started raising his voice, “Why are you crying? Why are you always crying?”

Mickey looked up at him, Ian in his ghostly state now stood in front of him, of both of them. He couldn’t believe that this would be what their relationship became.

“I hate you”, Mickey was saying now in the same voice he had desperately cried for him to stop, he was looking directly into Ian’s eyes, “I hate you.”

And Ian seemed completely unfazed by it, he looked down at him and said: “Well, you married me. Sickness and health, good times, bad. What you gonna do? Huh? Gonna leave me and divorce me? You don’t have money for a divorce. You got no place to go, where do you wanna go? Your cousin is too busy banging my sister to care, your dad wants to kill you and your sister is gone. No, no, no _you_ wanted this. You’re stuck with me. You knew what you were getting into. Hm? Hate me? You don’t get to hate me, Mickey. We’re married. You can’t get out.”

Ian kneeled down in front of Mickey while he said that and Mickey was still holding the frying pan, or again holding the frying pan, Ian wasn’t sure, and then Mickey hit the pan against his head again. And he pushed Ian to the ground and clasped his hands around his neck and then he punched him in the face and repeated:

“I hate you. I hate you ‘till death do us part”

And then he smashed Ian’s head on the kitchen tiles as hard as he could.

Ian could feel the pain in his head and his whole body and then – he suddenly sat upright in his bed, sweating, awake.

The terror of the nightmare was so prominent in his mind's eye, that for a moment he was afraid he was still in it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Btw opinion to (show) Debbie & Sandy? I love it and I think they've got a lot of potential to be a great couple


	15. (This pain won't be for) Evermore

Ian didn’t sleep that night after he woke up from the nightmare. Whenever he closed his eyes, he could only see Dream-Mickey’s tears, his desperate and helpless eyes. He could hear Mickey’s voice “stop it, stop it, stop it” “I hate you” “’til death do us part”

Ian had the strong urge to cut off his own ears or to stab himself in the eyes with knives.

He missed Mickey incredibly much. He just wanted to have him back and he was about to just listen to Debbie and marry Mickey just for the sake of having him back.

But that wasn’t what Mickey wanted, was it? He didn’t want Ian to just marry him to please him, he wanted Ian to _want_ to marry him. But did he?

Ian didn’t know. He just didn’t know. He knew he didn’t want to lose Mickey, but he also couldn’t get the nightmare out of his head. It was like a vision of what their married life could… or would be. He also had a weird feeling in the back of his head, like it wasn’t the first time he dreamed it like he had dreamed those scenes over and over again over the last years and only now could remember it clearly enough.

He had never wanted to talk to his mother so badly as he did right now. He had considered talking to Frank about the whole “being married to a bipolar person” topic, but somehow Frank’s take could only make it worse in which way ever.

Monica on the other hand… he didn’t have any contact with her in years, she didn’t even know about the disorder she gave to Ian. During the time he had to accept his disorder, he really needed her… but trying to get in contact with his bipolar mom while he tried to show his siblings and boyfriend that he wasn’t like her probably wouldn’t have been a great idea.

He wondered, what she would say to him, he also wondered whether she was still alive or not. Would she tell him to marry Mickey?

The last time he saw Monica was when he was a Teenager and had a crush on Mickey. Mickey had been in juvie and Monica and he talked about him and Monica said: “I heard about your boyfriend being locked away, tell me about him” and “I’m sorry you’re hurting baby”

Mickey hadn’t been his boyfriend then, but Monica didn’t care “He will be one day, if you love him enough… or are good enough in bed” and then she had laughed. And she had been right.

Somehow, Ian felt like he knew Monica would tell him to marry Mickey, although she had never met him. Monica was always acting on impulse, no matter if she was manic or not, she did what she wanted. When Monica ran away from them, it was often when she was not manic or depressed – it was something Ian used to not understand. Why would she run away and abandon them when she was normal, when she was okay? Why would she use the time during which she could be a good mom to walk away from them but stayed and tortured them when she was sick?

Now Ian knew.

It was shame.

And it was also fear. It was many little things that let Ian think “Maybe I should just take my things and leave” multiple times over the last two years: The way his siblings looked at him sometimes, the way his boyfriend counted his pills, the sound the shrink’s pen made on the paper of the notes, the conversations that suddenly stopped when he entered a room.

If it hadn’t been for Mickey, Ian would have run away too.

But what did that mean? Did he stay because he felt guilty and like he owed Mickey? No, Monica should feel the same guilt – did she? Ian didn’t know, he still couldn’t understand some of her actions.

If the whole reason Ian stayed was Mickey and how much he loved him and how much he hated to disappoint him and let him down – did that mean Mickey meant more to him than this entire family ever meant to Monica? It definitely meant Mickey meant more to him than Frank meant to her – so would their relationship also be better and stronger than theirs? Wasn’t it stronger already? Would it continue to be like this even if they took the same path his parents took and get married?

Ian didn’t know.

And that scared him more than any nightmare.

Everything was unpredictable. Ian used to like that about life. What would Mickey do next? How would their relationship go? How would his siblings deal with things happening to them? Would war start tomorrow or would the whole earth just explode? Would air turn into water, water into fire, light into darkness, would they wake up tomorrow at all? Ian never knew and that was what was fun about life.

Now he hated it.

Because now he was the one who was more unpredictable than life. What would he do next? What would he put Mickey and his siblings through? Would he be manic or depressed tomorrow? Which version of himself would he be when he woke up? Would he stop taking his pills, would he take his things and leave, would he propose to Mickey and not mean it, would he ruin his relationship again? He didn’t know anymore, didn’t feel like he was in control about anything and he couldn’t name a single thing on earth he hated more than this.

That was another factor in the whole proposal mess. He just shouldn’t have done it, to begin with. The way it had been before the proposal it had been fine. Their relationship had been fine, they had been happy most of the time.

Ian tried to change one thing. Just one thing. He took a sharpie and sketched two rings on his and his boyfriend’s hands and their relationship went up in flames, Mickey hit him, Mickey moved out, Mickey broke up with him.

If Ian really married Mickey how much more would he ruin with that? More change leads to more change and everything becomes more and more unpredictable – nobody could tell him how much their relationship would change after their “trip to city hall.”

According to statistics, Mickey and he would get a divorce after three to five years. According to Fiona, everything would get worse and Mickey would turn into Terry and abuse him. According to Debbie, everything would be fine and they’d be happy. According to his nightmares, they would turn into Frank and Monica and he would end up cheating on Mickey and ra- no, he couldn’t even think the word, though the scene of it kept playing over and over in his head like a movie much more than a dream.

All in all, he couldn’t really apply statistics to his and Mickey’s relationship, could he? And Fiona was never Mickey’s fan anyways while Debbie loved him and saw him as brother-in-law already. His nightmares also weren’t a reliable base to build his future on.

If he could talk about this seriously with anyone it was Lip. Up until now, he had avoided coming to him with this problem, because usually, Lip was acting as a voice of reason, but most of the time he said things Ian didn’t want to hear. He told him he had to do things, Ian didn’t want to do or was afraid of doing. And Ian always knew he was right and when he didn’t listen to him it always ended badly – like when Lip said ‘talk to your boyfriend about the marriage thing before the situation implodes’ Ian didn’t listen and now Mickey preferred living among a bunch of homeless guys and drug addicts.

Ian waited for Lip to come home outside. He was sitting on the bottom of the stairs to the front porch with a beer. Lip eventually came home with his girlfriend, Tami. Ian didn’t really form a strong opinion about Tami yet, he didn’t mind her, that was about it.

“Hey, what are you doing out here?”, Lip asked when he saw Mickey sitting on the steps to the house.  
Ian looked from him to Tami and back, “Can we talk?”  
Lip nodded and looked at Tami, “Could you go inside already, this could take a while.”

Tami shrugged and went inside without another word, but not in an unfriendly way, she just didn’t have anything to say.

Lip sighed and sat down next to his little brother.  
“So, Mickey didn’t come home, still.”  
“There’s a chance he might never come home again.”, Ian mumbled.  
Lip nodded, “Fiona told me, he gave you an ultimatum. It’s almost ironic, isn’t it? Five years ago, we sat together upstairs and you told me how upset you are that Mickey doesn’t want to commit to you openly and then you gave him an ultimatum. How the tables have turned.”

Ian looked at the beer bottle in his hand, “He did it back then. He came out and took a beating. For me, so I don’t leave… Sometimes I think he regrets it. Without the coming out, he could go home and he wouldn’t have to live through all this shit with me.”

Lip shook his head, “I don’t think he regrets it. First of all, his dad is still a nightmare no matter if he knows about Mickey’s sexuality or not. Second, he loves you and he is happy with you.”

“Happy with me? I don’t fucking think so… You should have seen him, I’ve never seen him more upset.”  
“Okay, he isn’t happy right now,” Lip agreed, “But usually, he is happy. If he wouldn’t be, why would he be so crazy about marrying you, huh? With all the shit that you two went through, I think he’s pretty fucking sure that he wants you if he still insists on marrying you.”

Ian shrugged, “Be honest: It doesn’t make a lot of sense to you either, does it?”  
“What?”  
“That Mickey Milkovich is so obsessed with getting married to _me_. Sometimes I still think the reason he is still here is pity or because he has nowhere else to go and all of a sudden, he says ‘either you swear to love me forever or we’re over.’ It’s just… weird.”  
“I don’t know, he’s your boyfriend, not mine. You have to know what’s going on with him.”

Ian leaned his head back and thought back to the conversation with Mickey.

_“All I want in return for all this shit that you put me through? Is security. Just a little bit of fucking security, that you plan on staying with me, being with me, security that no matter what you end up doing to yourself, me or us, you love me.”_

“Security”, Ian said, “He said he wants security.”  
“Security? Like, in your relationship? That you don’t leave him and stuff?”  
Ian shrugged, “I guess.”  
“Well, you owe him that, don’t you? With all the fighting and stuff? He always stayed with you, you can’t blame him for wanting to know whether you’re gonna do the same.”

Ian looked at his older brother thoughtfully, “So, you think I should marry him?”  
“That’s not what I said.”  
“No, you’re right”, Ian nodded, “I owe him a marriage and a wedding, don’t I? He did what I wanted now it’s time to do what he wants.”

“No, Ian.”, Lip said sternly, “That’s exactly what led you two to where you are – one always giving in. I don’t think he wants you to just marry him because he wants it, that wouldn’t be the point.”

Ian sighed, “I know… he wants me to want it.”  
“If you know that, why are you acting so stupid?”  
Ian bit his bottom lip, “I just… I don’t know if I want it. I only know I don’t want to lose him. So, maybe… I’m trying to come up with a reason to get married to him.”

Lip shook his head, “Why don’t you want to marry him?”  
“I never said I don’t want to. I don’t know if I want to and when I want to.”  
“Well… what do you know?”

Ian shrugged, “I know that I love him. I don’t want to lose him, I don’t want to be without him. I don’t want to trick him into staying either. I just want to be happy with him.”  
“So you want to be together with him for the long run?”  
“Yes”  
“No matter if you’re sick or healthy.”  
Ian nodded.  
“And also no matter how much money you two have?”  
“That’s not important.”  
“And it also isn’t important if everything is fine or if the whole fucking world goes up in flames or one of you is having a bad day?”  
Ian shrugged, “Of course not.”

Lip nodded, “Then I think you want to marry him. You want all these things, what the fuck stops you from slapping a ring on that man?”  
Ian looked at him for a while.

“I don’t want to trap him”, he whispered eventually and looked away from Lip.  
“Trap him?”, he asked confused.  
“Marriage seems like a big deal to him, it seems to mean the fucking world. If we get married he would never leave me.”

“So? I thought that’s the goal.”  
“I don’t want him to leave, but because he doesn’t want to leave not because he feels like he has to out of guilt or vows.”, he said he was blinking furiously against tears that threatened to set in again, “If he feels like he can’t deal with this anymore, he should leave. It’s my motivation to stay on the meds – if I don’t stay on the meds, I will act out, I will be horrible to Mickey and then he will leave. If he doesn’t leave me when it gets that bad, he’s gonna end up like Frank and I couldn’t forgive myself for that.”

Lip sighed deeply and looked at his brother, he scooted closer and put his arm around him helplessly.

“You should stop paying that therapist”, Lip mumbled, “He ain’t a big help.”  
“Or maybe I’m just too messed up.”  
“You’re not. You’re handling yourself and the disorder way better than Monica. And Mickey Milkovich is very far from being anything like Frank… I hope, otherwise, that would say a lot of weird things about you.”

“Stop joking around”, Ian mumbled, he took a deep breath and rubbed his hands over his face, he looked at Lip, “Do you think I should do it?”

Lip shrugged, “Only you can decide that.”  
“Do you think I should do it?”, Ian repeated.  
Lip nodded slowly, “I think you should marry him… someday. Until then you have to figure all of this stuff out with him. You hear me – _with_ him. Our parents have never been good examples regarding how to live a good life, have a good relationship, so, we gotta figure it out ourselves and until then, doing the opposite from what they did is a pretty good start.”

Ian didn’t say anything, he started picking on the label of the beer bottle. Lip watched him for a few minutes.

“You know why Mickey wants to marry you, what marriage would mean to him. Figure out what it would mean for you to be his husband – the good sides. I’m gonna go inside.”, he said and got up.

What would it mean to Ian? Mickey wished for security in their relationship. And Ian?

More than anything else he just wanted to be happy with Mickey. He wanted to have a stable and strong relationship with him again. He wanted there to be love and trust beyond belief and no room for lasting fights and tears, only some loving bickering. He wanted there to be a family, a husband, kids, their own place. He wanted to fall asleep next to Mickey after a long day at work, he wanted to see he stayed up for him and waited with dinner for him. He wanted to wrap his arms around him when he kissed him and rest his cheek against his hair when he hugged him because he was that much taller than Mickey.

Ian swallowed his tears down and went inside. He was very silent during dinner and afterwards directly went to bed.

It was the night before the ultimatum expired. He talked to all of those people – his sisters and Lip. But what did it actually help? They couldn’t decide this for him this was about his feelings for Mickey and his fear. And he still couldn’t shake the nightmare.

Like with all dreams, most of the details subsided by now but he could still remember Mickey’s desperate cries for Ian to stop. He could remember snaps of Mickey’s eyes and the look he had when he looked at the manic Ian who had no control. And he remembered the words “You married me so you can’t leave me. In sickness and health. 'Til death do us part”

Ian was afraid to go to sleep again. He didn’t want to have the same dream or a similar dream, he didn’t want to dream at all. What would come now when he went to bed? The bed that was so lonely and cold without Mickey.

Sure, there were times when he had slept without Mickey because their working schedules forced them to not sleep at the same time. And yes, there was a point in their relationship Ian asked for 48 hours away from Mickey. But now being away from Mickey for more than two nights was unbearable to Ian. He just wanted Mickey back but he wasn’t sure if he could give him a wedding, marriage life.

After all, when he was diagnosed with bipolar he was afraid he would turn into his mother. He said he wouldn’t turn into his mother and yet he ended up doing shit his mother would do, things he wanted to do together with his mother at that.

So now, with the wedding, he was afraid they might turn into Frank and Monica. Yes, Mickey said and Lip said, they wouldn’t turn into Frank and Monica – but what if they did? What if they ended up like that nightmare version? Ian wouldn’t be able to live with himself. He would drive Mickey into alcoholism and into hurting him and he would deserve that pain, even death.

I just felt like he wasn’t good enough for him. He deserved someone better, he deserved a better husband. He would never be the kind of husband he deserves. Because Mickey was such a good person. He was so good that many people refused to believe it, like Fiona. Mickey himself refused to believe it sometimes. He was a good person, every day he tried to be better. He was loving, he was caring – when Ian got his diagnosis he didn’t walk away, he stayed with him.

Ian didn’t want to lose this. He was terrified at the thought of what might come if they got married. With those thoughts, Ian went to sleep.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~+

He found himself in another dream. He wasn’t watching the scene from outside, he knew he was himself, he could feel it.

It was weird though. He felt different. He felt sick, not in a manic or depressed kind of way, just physically sick and old. He looked down at his hands and he saw wrinkles and he ran his hand over his head and there were only a few thin hairs. He was confused, he looked around and he could feel that this dream version of him, of course, knew all of the history that had happened, but he was viewer, as a visitor in his dreamland had no idea what was going on.

He stood up and walked through the room, which was clearly the Gallagher living room. It hadn’t changed at all, except new pictures were standing around, but none of them showed Mickey.

He walked to the kitchen and he was alone.

He walked upstairs and he was alone.

He went to Mickey’s and his room and only one side of the bed was used and at the other side of the bed, which was always Mickey's, the bedside table was almost empty, the drawers were empty and in the closet, only his clothes were here.

On the bed lay an envelope. He looked at it confused, he took it and he opened it. Inside was a card, it looked like a party invitation or an announcement:  
_Mickey Milkovich and his husband celebrate their 40. wedding anniversary_.

Ian just stared at it. He looked around in the room again.

No wedding picture.

No Mickey.

No one. 

He didn’t marry Mickey, he didn’t marry anyone. He didn’t have anyone, the few items that were still standing on the bedside table were Mickey’s – his hair spray, a picture of Ian and Mandy, and the octopus toy.

There was no one after Mickey. And there was no Mickey. Mickey had married someone else.

Ian felt a thick, dark, heavy unhappiness weighing down on him like a blanket. And he could hear a voice in his head like a memory, but a memory Ian didn’t possess yet, it was a memory his older dream version had of a scene that might come to the real Ian if he decided a certain way.

It was Mickey’s voice saying: “So you’re not gonna marry me. Then there is no way to continue this, Then there is no reason to continue this. Then I will move out and then we’re done. Is this what you want?”

And there was no memory of a response. And Ian couldn’t think of a response. And he wondered, if this old Ian, who had lived through that scene, had a response back then or had he just let Mickey go?

And Ian could feel the old heart break in his chest and it hurt more than any other nightmare scene ever could.

“Mickey”, he whispered, but he was alone.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~+

Ian was sitting in his car outside the building. He made a decision:  
He would tell Mickey he wanted to marry him and he would ask him to wait. He would tell him he will marry him _someday_. For sure, surely, someday, one day he would marry him. Because he loved him. But not now.

Could he tell him that like this? Would it be enough for Mickey? Ian didn’t know. He had a plan. He hated himself for having a plan. He didn’t want it to be a plan and a trick but he didn’t know what else to do.

So the plan was: Tell Mickey he wanted to marry him, to get him home, to get him back and then at home he would try to convince him to get married later and to not set a specific date. Just an “at some point” “one day.” Maybe in two years, three years, five years … but not now, he couldn’t now. But he couldn’t lose him either.

So he sat in his car in front of the building for about half an hour now. He had the feeling of being watched and he wondered if it were the homeless or the drug addicts looking at his car, waiting for him to make a move, planning to attack him, rob him – Ian didn’t really care. He just wanted to go to Mickey.

He sat in that car and he was afraid. Because, essentially, he had a plan and that plan was a trick and it was a lie and there was no honesty in what he was about to do. It was another lie about the proposal and it could go horribly wrong. Mickey could find out and then there wouldn’t be another ultimatum, there wouldn’t be another chance, there wouldn’t be another expiration day. There would just be Mickey leaving.

And Mickey would marry someone else. And Ian would never be happy again.

Ian looked at the building. _Their_ building. The place that used to symbolize so much happiness and now it was horrible, it was an abandoned building with holes and unsafe staircases, loose stones, pillars about to collapse, signs of a fire and drug addicts lying across the floor. People died there probably and he wondered if cannibalism was going on. It was just a thought that came to him. They were so far away from food supply and other people, people would probably die here. Was there cannibalism going on here? Was there cannibalism going on in the place that used to be holy to him and Mickey?

Mickey.

There he was. He stood by the window – well, the hole in the wall that was supposed to and once used to be a window – Ian looked at him, Mickey was watching him in the car. He probably wondered, if Ian would get out of the car or if he would just drive off again. Maybe Mickey thought that low of them now: Ian wouldn’t even get out and tell him about his decision, he would just drive off and Mickey would take that as his answer.

He didn’t want Mickey to think like that, to feel like that, so Ian quickly got out of the car when he saw him and he stopped again. He looked around, took a deep breath and then he went to the building.

He went inside into the room where they used to spend so many hours in. Mickey still stood by the window not even trying to hide the fact that he was watching him.

“So, you’re here”, Mickey was the first one to speak.  
Ian didn’t say anything at all, he just nodded.  
“So you made your decision.”  
Ian didn’t nod now, he just looked at him.

He was sleeping in this dump for like three days, was drunk the entire time, no showers, he probably smelled disgusting. Did he even change his clothes? Ian wondered if the stains on his shirt came from cannibalism.

And yet, Mickey seemed like the most beautiful man to him. So beautiful, not even just because of his looks – though he looked very hot to Ian, he always did – no, it was just Mickey, what he symbolized, what he made Ian feel inside, that was beautiful. The feeling Ian got when he was in his presence: The feeling of safety, the feeling of being loved, of being taken care of. That was beautiful and Ian loved it. Ian loved Mickey for making him feel this way.

And he hated himself at the thought, he wasn’t able to make Mickey feel this way. Did Mickey feel as loved by him as he felt loved by Mickey? Did he feel safe and secure? Obviously not, otherwise, he wouldn’t ask for marriage to feel the security he wanted so badly. Did Ian take care of him properly? He wanted to. He wanted to be as good a boyfriend as Mickey was. He wanted to be a good husband if they got married.

He wanted to have a life and a future with this man. This man just the way he stood there. How he was so beautiful and made him feel so good. That’s what he wanted. He didn’t want to trick Mickey, he just wanted to be with him. And he couldn’t lose him, he just couldn’t chance to lose him again. And he rather wanted to marry him than to lose him. That is what he knew and he knew it at that moment more than he ever knew it before.

He could think about many things as long as he wanted, but it all became meaningless, his siblings’ words became meaningless, at just the pure sight of Mickey standing there, looking at him and waiting to have his heart broken.

Because Mickey didn’t look hopeful. He didn’t look like he expected Ian to choose him and say he wanted to marry him. He expected to be hurt. And Ian did that.

Ian made him expect pain.

Ian wanted to cry. He wanted to devote his entire life to this man. He wanted to devote his life to making him happy again. Making him feel loved and secure and taken care of. That’s what he wanted. That’s what marriage would mean to him, wasn’t it? That was his chance to be there for him in that way, as his husband. That would be good. That would be great, that would be fine. Ian wanted that. He wanted _that_. He wanted Mickey to be his husband.

He wished he could articulate all of this to Mickey and he knew he couldn’t. They were standing in front of each other for a while now. While Ian was realising all of this stuff and was feeling a lot of things, he didn’t say anything, he didn’t do anything. And Mickey started to look sadder and there was a sad acceptance on his face.

“So just tell me”, Mickey said, “What you decided. Just tell me. Be honest.”

Ian looked at him, he heard his voice, how sad he sounded and how disappointed at the same time, like Mickey already accepted a decision Ian was never about to make. He wanted to cry and he didn't realise he already started crying until Mickey said:  
“Ian don’t cry.”, then his voice turned softer again, “Please don’t cry. Ian, just tell me.”

And Ian started crying harder, he leaned against a wall and put his hands in front of his face. Mickey came to him slowly and took his hands away from his face, he used the sleeves of his jacket to dry his tears.

“Just tell me. It’ll be okay. I won’t hit you, just be honest with me. Just tell me if this has a future or not.”

“Honest?”  
“Yes, Ian, I want you to be honest. Just be honest. I can take it.”

Ian sighed, “To be honest, I came here and I wanted to trick you. I wanted to tell you that I will marry you and then convince you to not get married right away, to get married _someday_ and I wouldn’t tell you when someday was. But I can’t do that, no, I can’t trick you into this.”  
“No, you can’t.”  
Ian shook his head, “I don’t want to. I don't want to trick you, I don’t want to do anything. I love you.”  
“So, what did you decide now?”  
“I love you”  
“That’s not a decision.”

“I know.”, he took a deep breath, “I love you and I want to be with you for the rest of my life. I never doubted that, you know? I never doubted that I want to be with you forever. I don’t want anyone else. I want to be with you, I want to live with you, I want to have a life with you.”

Mickey looked at him and licked his bottom lip, “So, if you want that… why don’t you want to marry me?”  
“I- I was scared. I’m still scared, I’m terrified, Mick… I just don’t want to trap you in this relationship.”

“Trap me?”  
“Yes”, he nodded under new tears, “I want you to be able to leave if you feel like you can’t do this anymore. When it gets too much I want you to be able to leave and I mean you never left and I love you for not leaving, but at the same time, I’m afraid, if we will get married, you… you’d be so about this vows and marriage stuff that you would feel too guilty to leave. And I don’t want that, I don't want to trap you in this relationship. I couldn’t forgive myself if I do that.”

Mickey looked at him confused, “Ian, you wouldn’t trap me. This is what I want. And you know, I’m a grown-ass man, if I would have enough of you I could just go, married or not. But I’m not leaving you, not because I'm not strong enough to leave you, but because I don’t want to leave you, because I love you. Do you understand that? The last few years, I didn’t stay with you because I felt guilty, because your siblings tried to guilt me into staying. I stayed with you because I know you tried really hard with the meds, with me, with our relationship. I want you to keep trying, because I always keep trying, too, and if we both keep trying we can make it, you and I, have the life we want. But I want this marriage, so… So what? Hm? Am I going to move out, is that what you want? I’m gonna move out and we’re never gonna talk again. It’s over and done, that what you want?”

“No”, Ian said desperately, “No, no, no. I love you… You promise, Mickey, Mickey you have to promise me, that, that you’re gonna stay with me and, uhm, if, if it gets too much you will leave. You promise?”  
Mickey looked at him slightly confused, “I promise.”  
“And apart from that, you’re gonna stay with me? You’re gonna be with me as long as I’m trying? And uhm, and you’re gonna forgive me for stupid things as long as I’m trying?”  
“Well… yes.”  
“And, uhm, and you promise that it won’t be awful, that our life will be good, you know, if we’re both trying then it can’t go up in flames again. Can it? Can it?”, he whispered desperately, “Mickey, can it?”

Mickey looked at him, he looked terrified and he wondered, what kind of horror scenes Ian conjured up in his brain about what their relationship might become.  
“No. Not if we’re both trying, not if we’re both giving our best.”  
“You promise?”  
“Yes”, he said helplessly.

Ian nodded. He took Mickey’s hands and sank down in front of him, on both knees so he was in a begging position in front of him.

“Mickey Milkovich, I love you more than anything and, I’m perfectly, 100 % honest, I want to marry you and I want to be your husband and I want to have a happy life with you, all my life, all of it. Will you marry me? Will you?”

Mickey smiled softly down at him, “Yes, I will”, he whispered, “Yes, of course, I will. Come here.”  
But Ian pulled him down to him, he didn’t feel strong enough to get up again, so Mickey sank down to his knees in front of him too and he kissed him.

“We’re gonna be okay, you and I”, he whispered while looking into his eyes, “We’re gonna be okay.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The next morning, Mickey woke up next to Ian again. He was happy to finally see him as the first thing when he woke up again. He looked so peaceful when he was asleep.

Mickey quietly got out of bed, to the bathroom first and then downstairs, where he got coffee for the both of them, took Ian’s pills and a pop tart and went upstairs again.

When he opened the door to the bedroom, Ian was awake. He sat on the bed, his head was placed on his knees that were pulled up to his chest, he was about to cry.

Mickey went further into the room and placed his mug on his bedside table. Ian looked up at the noise, his eyes were red.

“Ian, what’s going on? Are you okay? What is it?”, he came on the bed, ran his hand softly over Ian’s back and gave him coffee, pills and a pop tart.

“Just thought you were gone again”, Ian mumbled.  
Mickey sighed deeply, he placed his pillow upright so he could lean against the headboard. Ian took his pills, nibbled on the pop tart and then looked at Mickey.

“We have to wait until we can do anything wedding-related.”, Mickey suddenly said and Ian sat up straight quickly.  
“No. No, I meant what I said yesterday. I want to marry you, I love you and- “  
“Ian, calm down, hey, calm down”, he said, put an arm around him and made him lean against the headboard too. He took his hand.  
“I love you too”, he said calmly, “And I believe you that what we talked about yesterday, you meant it. But honestly, we’re pretty fucking broken.”

“I’m trying.”  
“I know you are. I know. What I don’t know is why I’m paying that fucking therapist of yours because you don’t really seem to get better.”  
“Well, the therapist mainly wants to talk about my parents, which is good in one way, because I have a lot of thoughts about my mom and how she handled her bipolar and how it affected her relationship. But the therapist and I don’t really talk about how it’s affecting our relationship.”

“Well, then either you talk with him about that or I stop paying him. We need the money for a wedding anyways.”  
Ian smiled up at him, Mickey sighed.  
“Ian, you need to talk to me about things.”  
“What things?”  
“Well, things. You know, all kinds of things, like… when you feel like you can't marry me within a week then you should tell me instead of sending some wacky text to your brother.”

Ian swallowed hard, “I didn’t know how I was supposed to talk to you about it. I mean, ever since the diagnosis I’ve been terrified of making mistakes.”  
“I know. But Ian I said to you so many times in the last two years that I will stay with you. You would have to really fuck up and consciously not take your meds anymore for me to leave. You’re allowed to have your own opinions. And I know that we had this conversation already a while ago.”  
“I know.”  
“And yet you didn’t talk to me.”  
“Yeah.”, he whispered.  
“And because of that our relationship imploded.”  
Now Ian just made a low, sick sound and leaned his face against Mickey’s shoulder.

“Don’t start crying again, Ian, please. We have to have this conversation. And actually, I’m the one out of the two of us who hates having a conversation”, he reminded him.  
Ian took a deep breath, “But if I say something wrong you would leave and I don’t want that”  
“But Ian that’s not how a relationship works, you know? You have opinions and you have wishes and if they are fundamentally different from mine, if we want fundamentally different things out of this relationship then what’s the point of it?”

Ian looked up at him, “I don’t – I don’t want different things out of this relationship than you. I want to marry you, I want to stay with you all my life I just… like I said I want you to have a way out.”  
"I’m a grown-ass man if I want to leave I leave.”  
“But you said multiple times that you want to leave and you never did in those six years.”

“Yeah”, he shrugged, “Because what we have is worth fighting for. So, like I said, there might come a day, a situation where you do something so fucked up that I decide: this is it. Like cheating… but pills being unbalanced and having opinions ain’t those things… Lying to me? Especially about important things like getting married? I don’t like it. And I’m not gonna let you do it just like that.”

“I understand”  
“Good,”, Mickey nodded and bit his bottom lip, “So you are sure that you want to marry me?”  
“Yes.”, Ian said and looked at him honestly, “Yes, I’m sure I want to marry you, but… like, uhm, with time.”  
“See, was that so hard to tell me? You were the one rushing into this whole marriage thing within a week. I wouldn’t want to get married within a week. No, we can take our time. Just promise that you will marry me one day, in the near future.”  
“I will.”, Ian said, “And it’s not gonna be, you know, too far in the future. I know that I want it, but there should be time of… I don’t know, preparing for married life – does that make sense?”

“Yes, it makes a lot of sense. Look, for how long are people usually engaged? A year? I think they usually take a year to plan weddings and lives. I’m not gonna wait a full year though, I don’t want an August wedding.”  
“What do you have against August?”  
“Well, for one, speaking from experience you cancelled weddings more often in August than in all the other months together. And two, it’s so weirdly placed between our birthdays, the amount of presents we have to get for each other in such a short amount of time is just stupid.”  
Ian nodded, “Okay, you can plan when we will get married”

Mickey grinned and ran his hand through Ian’s red hair.  
“And we can use the time to figure out this shit about being married and finally getting this relationship on track properly," Ian mumbled.  
“Sounds good. If you open conversations about the things that worry you. Instead of just crying to your brother about it, I just need you to talk to me every once in a while. Because out of the two of us, you used to be the one who had this whole ‘we’re talking about things’ shit down. At least in the beginning.”

“Yes in the beginning. But since then you changed so much to the better and I didn’t. And-“  
“Could you please stop talking down on yourself?”, Mickey looked at the ceiling and shook his head, “Ian listen, listen to me very carefully, okay, because I don’t want to repeat myself in a few months and I don’t want to be left at the alter by you, so listen: I love you and I will always love you just the way you are. There is no _despite the bipolar_ , it is a part of you and I learned to live with it and we’re good with it and everything's fine, well not really, everything can be fine. I want you to marry me with the bipolar, with the meds, we’ll take the meds with us to our honeymoon and, I don’t know, all that adulting shit. I wouldn’t be so stern about getting married to you if I didn’t know that I really want it and that I really want to spend my life with you, sickness, health, hm?”

“I want to spend my life with you too.”  
“I know… See, that’s what we need this wedding for, so we just know. It’s our security that this is exactly what we want, even if there are ups and downs, slips, this is what we want here; the two of us talking, working on this relationship, right?”  
“Yeah… yes it’s what I want.”  
“Good. See, we can sort this whole thing out with the two of us. I'll get you a new therapist because the old one is garbage or we’re just cancelling that and I'm gonna make you watch 100 episodes of Dr Phil.”

Ian chuckled.  
“And before any of us stands in city hall, in front of an altar, whatever, we will have talked enough about this. Because you can talk to me about anything… and that you feel like you can’t, is hurting more than reading that you’re relieved that we don’t have to get married.”

“Really?”, Ian asked quietly.  
Mickey bit his lip, “Well, at least it’s on one level, because that hurt, it hurt a fuck lot.”  
“I’m sorry. It’s not what I meant… I was relieved I didn’t have to marry you within those two days while I was having so many bad thoughts about it and was so worried if it’s the right thing, the right time, at the same time I was worried about the robbery… I was relieved”, he admitted, “But not because I never want to marry you.”

Mickey nodded, Ian looked at him.  
“You’re right, you know.”, Ian said, “Back then when we got together I never thought you’d be the one saying we’re having a communication problem.”  
Mickey smiled at him, “Yeah.. you changed me a lot, to the better, I guess. I don’t want to go back to being Mickey Milkovich, violent, stupid drug dealer. I want to be Mickey Gallagher. I still think it sounds kind of stupid, but I’d much rather be that than to be my 19-year-old self again.”

“I like the sound of Mickey Gallagher”, Ian mumbled.  
Mickey smiled at him, “And you, I want you to be a bit more like your…hm, not like your 18-year-old self again, 18-year-old you was kind of an asshole sometimes. Like your 19-year-old self again. That was good. We had a great few years then… we had a great few years in between too. All in all, our 6 years were happy years for me... But back then you were confident, you were sweet and you talked about things… can you just try getting a bit of that back? You can be confident in yourself, you know? You’re doing a great job with being an EMT, handling the disorder, treating your family well… and sometimes you’re a really, really decent boyfriend.”

Ian smiled, “Really, really decent?”  
“Yeah, really, really decent.”, he kissed the top of his head, “I love you.”  
“I love you, too.”  
“Good.”

Ian started playing with Mickey’s shirt, “Mickey Gallagher, hm? Mickey Milkovich-Gallagher, no just Mickey Gallagher, just mine.”, he mumbled.  
Mickey chuckled, “Yeah, probably better.”  
"I think it sounds good: Mickey Gallagher, my Gallagher.”  
“Hey, no, that’s my name for you, forget it.”  
Ian grinned, “MG”  
“No”  
“MiGa - MiGay”  
“No!”  
“Then just Mickey… yeah, just Mickey.”  
Mickey looked down at him with a smile, “Mikhailo”, he reminded him.  
“Right, I always forget that. Mikhailo Gallagher.”  
“Hm, these are getting worse.”

Ian laughed lightly and leaned up to him to kiss him.  
Mickey kissed him only for a moment, he looked at his face, breathed out and opened his lips to say something, but then closed them again and looked down.

“Sorry”, Mickey mumbled eventually and gently touched the area around Ian’s eye that used to be surrounded by a deep, dark bruise, which was barely visible anymore by now, “That I hit you. I never wanted to hit you. I’d never hit you.”  
“It’s okay… you were in pretty deep emotional distress and you were drunk.”  
“Yeah… not sure that excuses it”  
“It’s okay Mickey, I love you. I did far worse to you.”, he kissed him again, “It’s okay. I’m sorry for the things that I’ve done to you and they’re far worse than one hit.”

Mickey looked at him and kissed him and he knew, they would be okay now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> From now on no Ian being an asshole and ruining the relationship anymore I promise
> 
> Also, S11, if you saw it, I loved Mickey this episode. I love how much he was trying with the job thing for Ian. I love the scam thing. This is Mickey the way I know and love him (the money scene was low key weird but also funny, especially with Noel's tweet about it) 
> 
> Also, the chapter title is the title of Taylor Swift's newest album and a song on it. I usually listen to pop-punk and stuff like that (My Chemical Romance, Falling in Reverse). But Taylor's last 2 albums were so fucking beautiful again. Seriously listen to it, it's so worth it.


	16. Wedding Planer

Ian’s birthday just passed, they were in November now. Mickey was back to work with Trystone Security, though he hated how they had treated him and now, most of the colleagues mistrusted him (which wasn’t a great situation to be in when you worked the graveyard shift as a security guard)

Ian was back to work too. He got rings for him and Mickey now, silver, elegant, simple engagement rings. Mickey was obsessed with his ring, and, in a weird way, it also turned him on to see Ian wearing his ring (at least that’s how Ian characterized his behaviour)

Mickey was at work at an office building on the north side, it was around noon, many people were going out and coming in because it was beginning or end of lunchtime. Mickey was bored. Why did this building even need security? He was leaning against the reception desk, the pretty, young woman sat there and looked up at him with a smile.

“Not a lot going on for you, huh?”, she asked, her name was Willet as far as Mickey knew, she was always there. She was always smiling and very nice, once asked Mickey secretly if her lipstick was still okay or if she needed to touch it up. Mickey liked Willet more than his colleague for sure.  
“No”, he shrugged, “Not that I love running and chasing people, but if I could at least throw someone to the ground every once in a while that would be nice.”  
She chuckled, “As long as you’re not throwing me anywhere”  
Mickey looked at her, “Why does this building need security anyways?”  
She shrugged, “Sometimes people get fired and they tend to not like that a lot.”

Mickey rolled his eyes, he had to hang out at this place for hours, because someone might get fired?  
“Why don’t they only get security for the days they plan to fire people, huh?”  
“The boss is quite moody. He often doesn’t plan that far ahead”, she said.

A delivery boy entered the building and went towards the reception desk.  
“Hello, Miss Willet”, he said with a smile, “How are you?”  
The boy was flirting with Ms Willet like a schoolboy, Miss Willet wasn’t better in any way, she nervously tucked her blonde hair behind her ear and smiled up at him.

The delivery boy brought new magazines for the waiting area like every second Tuesday. He and Willet got the old magazines together and he stayed to help her distributing and placing them nicely, what definitely wasn’t part of his job.

Willet came back with one of the magazines and sat down behind her desk again, Mickey smirked at her, “So, you and the delivery boy, huh?”  
She looked up at him surprised, “What?”  
“You heard me.”  
She licked her bottom lip and smiled, “He’s so cute, isn’t he?” – he really was cute – “His name is Neil.”  
“I know, I read the name tag. He your boyfriend?”  
“No”; she shook her head and sighed, “I wish he was though.”  
“Did you ask him out?”  
“I’m waiting for him to do the first step, but he never asks me. Maybe he just doesn’t like me like that…”

Mickey scoffed, “He looked like he wanted to propose to you. Before he came in he took off his hat and checked his hair in his phone. Guess, that’s how Northside boys flirt.”  
She smiled widely and blushed, “You think he likes me?”  
“He looked at you like my soon to be brother-in-law looks at banana-pancakes.”, Mickey said and Willet laughed sweetly.

Someone came up to the reception desk and Willet sat up straight, while she dealt with the older man, Mickey looked at what kind of magazines Willet took back to her desk earlier: _Modern Bride_ and _Borrowed Blue._

“Hey, don’t I know you?”, the man Willet was talking to said now. Mickey needed a moment to realise he had talked to him, he looked at him confused, he was old man, tall, grey hair.  
Mickey shrugged, “No?”  
“Yes, yes, I do. You beat me up once.”, he said with a triumphant smile.  
“So? I do that a lot. You ain’t special.”  
“You worked in the same store as Ian back then, I remember. You were jealous as hell.”

Mickey looked at his face, trying to remember him – sure, of course! It was one of the old guys Ian used to bang when they were teenagers. He was a doctor of some sort and the dad of some dude Ian’s sister used to fuck.

“Right, you’re one of the pedos”, Mickey said and clenched his fist.  
“Nah, Ian was-“  
“Sixteen.”, Mickey ended the sentence, “Doesn’t matter, you were never relevant, he only hung out with you to make me jealous. So get out of my sight, jerk.”  
He rolled his eyes, “Fine, I’m here for business anyways, but uhm, are you still in contact with Ian? I haven’t seen him in years.”, he sounded like he wanted to bust a nut right then and there at the thought of Mickey’s fiancé.

“Yeah, we’re still in contact and if I catch you within a mile of him, you will wish it was my 18-year-old self again beating you up.”, he said and then grabbed one of Willet’s bridal magazines, “Also, Ian and I are getting married, so keep your wrinkled ass away from us.”

The man raised his hands and then took off to go after his business. Mickey shook his head, “Can you believe that?”, he asked Willet, “Disgusting.”

Willet was looking at him surprised, “I didn’t know you’re gay.”  
Mickey shrugged, “So?”  
“Nothing, just didn’t expect it”, she smiled, “So, when is the wedding?”

Mickey shook his head shortly, “Sometime next year. There’s not gonna be some big wedding. A party with his family after a trip to city hall at most, but then a long honeymoon far away from that madhouse.”

“What? You can’t have a wedding without a wedding”, she said and shook her head, she opened one of the magazines, “It’s probably the most important day in your relationship, you need suits, flowers, music and a cake with those little figures on top.”  
“I don’t think we have money for all of this stuff.”, Mickey said while looking at the pictures of flowers and décor sceptically.  
“Pff, money”, she said and shook her head and Mickey was reminded once again, that Willet was the daughter of one of the bosses here, “This about one of the biggest moments of your life, you should celebrate accordingly.”

Mickey looked at the magazine thoughtfully and then at Willet again, “Do they have those for gay weddings too?”  
Willet grinned widely and bounced in her seat, “I can bring you some tomorrow.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The next day he was walking home since Ian someone else in the family needed the car. It wasn’t a terribly long way from the L to the Gallagher house, but it was cold and Mickey hated the coldness. He had some wedding planning magazines hidden under his jacket, Willet brought a whole bunch of them to work for him.

He felt weird having those magazines with him, he never thought he’d be the kind of guy to browse through a bunch of bridal magazines gushing over flowers and colour schemes. He noticed that he was hungry, if he remembered correctly they only had rice and pasta at home, he bit his bottom lip and took his phone out.

Mick: m hungry can you bring food on your way home?

Redbeard: ofc just for us or all of em?

Mick: just us dunno what the rest of em will eat

Redbeard: okay any wishes?

Mick: whatever is close, idc you choose

Redbeard: 😚

Mickey smiled and went into the house. Franny and Liam were dancing to some loud pop music, Debbie was laughing loudly from the kitchen, then he heard Fiona laughing too.

Mickey really liked Ian’s family, especially Liam and Franny, but sometimes it was just really loud. The two-year-old Franny saw him and ran to him.

“Hey, Franny”, Mickey said, Franny raised her arms and grabbed Mickey’s hand and kept dancing. Mickey smiled, “Okay, go dance with your Uncle Liam, Uncle Mickey is tired.”  
“Dance with us”, she insisted and started jumping up and down.

“Yes, Mickey, come dance with them”, Lip said standing in the doorway to the kitchen with a grin.  
“Hey, Franny, I think your uncle Lip wants to dance with you, go”  
Franny grinned and ran over to Lip.

“We’re having leftovers from Fi’s diner for dinner.”, Lip told him.  
“No thanks”, he said and pulled a face, “Ian’s picking up dinner for us.”  
“Where do you take the money from to get takeaway so often?”, he asked while Franny pulled him to the middle of the living room.  
“Well, for example, we’re still living here.”, he said and went upstairs.

In his room, he hid the magazines in his bedside table and changed into more comfortable clothes.

Redbeard: home soon hows the house?

Mick: rapper girl with the big ass full volume

Redbeard: oh shit lets eat in our room, get us some plates and drinks?

Mick: sure lover

Mickey went downstairs with a grin and took some plates for them when he went down the second time to get drinks, he went to the living room before going upstairs to see if Ian was already there. He looked out of the living room window, the music was turned down, the kids were called to the kitchen to eat. It was dark outside, but he could see a man standing by the fence. He seemed familiar to Mickey, but he stood with his back to the house...

“Terry”, Mickey mumbled confused, could that be? What the fuck did he want? He looked down the street and saw Ian coming up to the house, he started getting slower when he noticed the man, that could be Terry, blocking his way to the house.

Mickey put the drinks away when Terry started walking towards Ian aggressively. Mickey quickly grabbed a gun he kept by the door and left the house and went on the porch. He couldn’t hear what Terry was saying to Ian, but it ended in “you faggot!”

“Hey!”, Mickey yelled from the porch and went down the stairs, “The fuck do you want here, huh?”  
Terry turned around to him, “There you are, you’re the one I was looking for!”  
“Well, you fucking found me, the fuck is this supposed to be, huh?”

“Your brother told me you plan to marry this gay carrot boy!”  
“Yeah, I am, so what?”  
Terry pulled a gun from the back of his pants and pointed it at Mickey, “Milkovich men marry vaginas. If you’re gonna marry this I’m gonna put a bullet in your head, simple as that.”  
“Yeah, what are you waiting for, bitch?”, he asked and pulled his own gun to point it at his father.

Terry stared at the gun and his son, it was the same gun.  
“Look at that, we were shopping at the same gun show. Now, get the fuck out of here.”  
Ian, who stood behind Terry, bend down and got a butterfly knife out of his shoe, which he now pushed into Terry’s back.

Terry slowly lowered the gun while staring his son down angrily.  
“Just you wait.”, Terry growled, “You faggy faggots are gonna be sorry about this. You better watch your dick-loving asses.”, he walked away.

Mickey growled while watching after him. Ian put his hand on his shoulder, “Forget it, Mick. Let’s go inside and eat.”  
Mickey muttered something under his breath and stomped back inside.

Upstairs, Mickey quietly chewed his food. Ian looked at him concerned.  
“Mick, it’s alright, Terry ran from us although he had a gun, what’s he gonna do to stop us from getting married?”  
“Death would put a stop to a wedding, you can’t deny that.”  
“Swallow before you talk, pig.”

Mickey raised his eyebrow at him swallowed and said: “Usually like it when you tell me to swallow.”  
Ian rolled his eyes and sipped on his drink.  
“I wanna know who fucking told him.”  
“Your cousin probably told your brothers and then it was bound to end up within earshot of him at some point”, Ian shrugged, “I never actually understood whose side they’re on: Yours or your dad’s?”

Mickey shrugged, “They’re all braindead, they follow whoever seems like the authority figure and who will secure their access to weed and coke. Why can’t dad just disown me and act like I’m dead already like normal dads, huh?”  
Ian put his hand on Mickey’s knee, “It’s gonna be alright, Mick. He’s not gonna kill us or stop us from getting married. And if we have to start a family feud over it so be it, maybe our great-great-grand kids are gonna fall in love with one of the other Milkovich kids and it’s gonna be all Romeo and Juliet.” 

Mickey sighed and kept chewing his food, Ian smiled at him.  
While they kept eating in silence, Mickey ended up looking at his bedside table thoughtfully. In there were those bridal magazines.

Terry wanted to stop them from getting married? He wanted to kill them after he spent the last years ignoring them completely? They didn’t even plan anything big, just going to the courthouse and then have some normal Gallagher party and that was enough to become a target for a live version of _shoot the faggot_? The price seemed way too high.

“If that bastard is out for blood anyways, I’m gonna have the biggest and gayest wedding this shithole has ever seen”, he muttered.  
Ian slowly turned his head to him, “Why did you just sound like a villain from a kid’s movie?”  
“Shut up, I need to calculate something”, he mumbled and got a notepad from his bedside table, “Do you have a pen?”  
Ian gave him one from his table, still looking confused.

“Okay… are we gonna talk about how you said ‘I’m gonna have the biggest wedding’ and so on and not ‘we are’ or am I just supposed to ignore that?”, Ian asked while Mickey started scribbling down random numbers.  
“Shht”, he gestured with the pen in his direction, “Need a fiancé for the wedding of course, now eat your dinner.”

“Are you sure you should be calculating something? I’ve seen how you write the word _decision_.”  
“Fuck off, _decision_ should be written the way I write it. How is there a c in _decision_? Huh? How? And an e? No, you ain’t fooling me with that shit. But it had nothing to do with putting numbers together.”

Ian nodded and tried to look at Mickey’s notes, but his handwriting was so messy, Ian could barely even tell the numbers apart, but definitely not what Mickey planned to spend that money on.

“We’re never gonna move out”, Ian mumbled.  
“Shht, by the way, you’re gonna let that beard grow again.”  
“What? Why? I just shaved it off in May.”  
“I like it”, Mickey shrugged, “Redbeard.”  
Ian sighed and kissed his cheek.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

The next day, Ian was already home, when Mickey came home from work, he just said “Hey”, and went upstairs. Ian looked after him confused.

A minute later Mickey came back down from the other staircase and sat down in the kitchen. Ian went into the kitchen confused, there sat his fiancé at the kitchen table he had a notebook in front of him and multiple magazines lay open on the table.

“What is happening?”  
“Just a little bit of research”, Mickey said and turned a few pages in one of the magazines, stopped, looked at a picture with raised eyebrows, noted something down in his notebook and then kept flipping through the pages.

“So…”, Ian sat down at the kitchen table across from him, “We’re having a wedding-wedding?”  
Mickey looked up at him and squinted, “Yes. So write down your guest list I need to know what size venue I need to book for the reception, then I can finally choose a date.”

“Am I gonna get a say in this?”  
Mickey sat up straight and crossed his arms in front of his chest, “You can say ‘yes’ in every way you can think of. Or do you wanna say something else?”  
Ian pursed his lips and looked at an open page of a magazine, showing a flower arrangement, “No, I’m good.”, he looked up sat him and smiled, “You can plan it however you want to.”  
“Good.”

Mickey kept flipping through the pages.  
“Just saying, usually I get a better greeting from my fiancé when he comes home.”  
Mickey smiled up at him, stood up and walked around the table. Ian pushed his chair away from the table to look at him properly. Mickey leaned down and kissed him, Ian wrapped his arms around Mickey and pulled him down on him, so Mickey was sitting in his lap.

Mickey leaned back, “You know I don’t want your siblings to see me like this.”  
“Like what? Being all cute and cuddly with your fiancé?”  
Mickey rolled his eyes and kissed him again.

“How was work? Saved a lot of lives today?”, Mickey asked and ran his hand along Ian’s jawline.  
Ian shrugged, “Just one or two”, he joked and grinned at him, “Did you get to chase someone today?”  
Mickey sighed disappointed, “No. But yesterday, I didn’t tell you about that yet, did I?”, he got up from Ian, “You know who I met yesterday at work?”

“No?”  
Mickey sat back down at the table, “That old sleaze bag you used to fuck.”  
Ian blinked, “Which one?”  
Mickey shook his head, “Dude, you’ve got some issues. The last one.”  
Ian nodded, “Oh, Ned, what was he doing there?”  
“I don’t know, but he asked about you.”  
“Did he?”

“Yeah, we should invite him to the wedding.”  
Ian frowned at him, “Why?”  
“To make a point.”  
“What point?”  
Mickey looked at him, “I win.”

Ian looked back at him and started laughing, “Since when are you so dramatic?”  
“Hey, I worked pretty fucking hard for this wedding to happen at all and had to fight a lot of other dudes that were lusting after you, and now dad wants to kill us for getting married. I’m gonna get a big fucking wedding for all of this. Biggest, gayest wedding this place has ever seen, that gonna show ‘em. Show ‘em you’re mine and no one’s stopping this anymore.”

Ian smirked, “You’re so sexy when you get possessive like this.”, he licked over his bottom lip, “Tell me what you want it to look like, our wedding”  
Mickey grinned and flipped through the pages again to show him a picture, “What do you think about these chairs?”  
“Look good, which colour?”  
“Gold chairs with white cushions.”  
“Really? I expected a Milkovich wedding to go black.”  
“Tss, you ain’t listening. Biggest, gayest wedding. No emo stuff.”

Ian nodded smiling, “What else?”  
“I’ve got some pictures of flowers Willet called ‘ _so beautiful_ ’ I wouldn’t say it like that, but they don’t look bad.”, he showed him another magazine.  
“We get flowers, too?”  
“Yeah, you need flowers for a wedding Ian, you’ve never been to a wedding before? When my cousin Riley got married me and my brothers robbed a bunch of flowers from another wedding. The bride was so mad she cancelled the wedding.”, Mickey chuckled.

Ian grinned, “I like the blue ones.”, he pointed at a flower arrangement.  
“Yeah?”  
Ian nodded, Mickey smiled, “Does planning our wedding kind of make you horny, too?”  
Ian smirked, “Kinda yeah”  
Mickey took his notebook, got up from his chair and went to the staircase, “You comin’ Freckles?”  
Ian grinned and went after him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A few nights later, after Mickey fell asleep buried under his wedding planning stuff, which was put away carefully by Ian, he woke up in the middle of the night, sat up straight in bed and panted.

He looked at Ian next to him and shook him away, “Ian, are you awake? Are you awake? Wake up”  
Ian stirred in his sleep, “Fuck off”  
Mickey sighed relieved and leaned his head down on Ian’s shoulder.

“You okay?”, Ian mumbled.  
“Yeah, just go back to sleep”  
“First you wake up now you tell me to go back to sleep, why so moody?”, he complained and turned around, “Tell me what was it? Nightmare?”

Mickey scoffed, “I’m not a teenage girl, I don’t have nightmares.”  
“You have nightmares all the time ever since I know you. You know how often I woke up with bruises because you hit me in your sleep. Usually just don’t remember it.”  
Mickey bit his bottom lip, “It’s stupid but… I dreamed about the wedding.”  
“Oh?”  
“It was horrible.”  
“Didn’t I show up?”  
Mickey was silent.

Ian scooted closer, “Did you dream I leave you at the alter?”  
“No… Just that… everything went wrong, I planned it wrong and we fought and then… dad came and killed you before we could get married.”

Ian sighed and put his arm around Mickey, who slowly lay down next to him again.  
“Ain’t gonna happen, Mick, I swear.”  
“How can you swear that, you’re not controlling Terry.”  
“Still, I’m not letting it happen. Fuck him. Also, it’s just a dream, not a future vision.”

Mickey scoffed, “You out of all people say that?”  
Ian shrugged and cuddled into his side.

“A few weeks ago you had a panic attack in the middle of fucking because you thought you were raping me because of some stupid nightmare.”  
Ian groaned lowly and pulled him closer to him.

Mickey sighed and kissed him, he knew Ian hated it when he brought that incident up.  
“Go back to sleep, Mick. We’re gonna have a great wedding.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

December

Ian came home when Mickey was just about to leave the house to go to his shift.  
“Hey Redbeard”, Mickey smirked while putting his boots on. Ian leaned down to him and pecked his lips, “How long do you have until you need to go?”  
“Uhm, about minus 5 minutes”, he put his jacket on, “I’ll come back in the morning.”, he said and went to the door, “Oh, pirate, make sure you can take your vacation in May, yeah?”  
“May?”  
Mickey nodded and opened the door, “May, second, we’re getting married, lover, then I want my fucking honeymoon.”, he grinned and left the house. Ian smiled brightly after him. He took off his boots and jacket and went to the kitchen.

The rest of the family was preparing dinner.  
“Hey guys”, Ian said and went straight to his niece, “Hey Franny.”  
“Uncle Ian”, she smiled widely and lifted her arms to him, he picked her up and held her up. He loved his little niece, he loved children in general. Now that Ian and Mickey even had a date set for their wedding, Ian wondered what would come next. Marriage, kids, their own house? Would they have kids? Ian would love that.

After they had dinner together, Carl and Liam watched TV while Debbie put Franny to bed, Ian and Lip were the only ones left in the kitchen, dealing with the dirty dishes.

“We have a date set now”, Ian said smiling, “For the wedding.”  
Lip nodded, “Good for you. And any cold feet symptoms?”  
“No, I want to get married to him. He’s gonna be my husband and we’re gonna be really fucking happy.”

Lip smiled, “Good, and you’re talking about shit, now, right? Like what your life is gonna be like and stuff?”  
Ian looked at the plate he was holding, Lip groaned.  
“Shut up”, Ian rolled his eyes, “Of course we talk more about shit now than before. But no, we didn’t talk about the future in detail… I mean we always talked about moving out when we have enough money, now we’re spending it all on the wedding and flowers and shit. But it’s okay, we’re gonna move out eventually, first, he’s gonna get the wedding he wants.”

“Just saying, you should probably talk about stuff before you get married.”  
“Yeah”, he sighed, “We will when our schedules aren’t so fucked anymore that I’m coming home when he leaves.”  
“Just make sure you really do, no one in this house wants to live through another Gallavich drama again.”  
“Gallavich?”  
Lip nodded, “Gallagher-Milkovich, when you two fight, or when Mandy and I fought, it always started a fucking hurricane, I don’t want to know what happens when Debbs and Sandy are both on her period.”  
Ian rolled his eyes.

At night Ian was sleeping restlessly, he was tossing and turning in his bed. The fact that there now as a set date did something to him. He was sure he wanted to marry Mickey, but at the same time old fears crept up his spine again. He was disturbed by vivid dreams and sounds the entire night.

Around four in the morning, the door to their room opened and a while later a body lay down next to Ian. A cold body cuddled into his side and Ian wrapped his arms back around him.  
“You still awake?”, Mickey whispered.  
Ian hummed lowly and hugged him tighter.  
“Love you”, Mickey whispered and kissed his shoulder and Ian knew, they would be fine. They would get married next May and it would be everything he ever wanted when he was younger. He smiled and fell asleep.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A few days later they had an off day together.  
Ian woke up early and woke Mickey up with a blow job which quickly turned into Mickey having his ankles on Ian’s shoulders so he could fuck and choke him, and with that, the rest of the family was awake too.

When they lay next to each other in bed afterwards, Ian kissed Mickey’s neck and his cheek up to his temple.  
“You know what I always think when you kiss me like that?”, Mickey whispered, “Damn I want some sour coke bottles.”  
Ian chuckled and kissed his cheek again.

Mickey looked at him with a smile, “Sometimes I wish we’d be kids again. Being 18 and beating up some sleaze bag who is after you and kiss you while being bloody and out of breath… we were good then.”  
“Yeah”, Ian smiled back at him, “But we’re good now too”  
Mickey licked over his bottom lip, “I’ll buy us some sour candy today.”  
Ian grinned and kissed his lips this time, “I love you so much.”

Later that day, the two walked around the neighbourhood. Ian thought it was odd that Mickey wanted to go outside where it was freezing cold. Mickey got cold very easily since he basically ate no vitamins ever. Usually, Ian didn’t mind that, because it meant he actively looked for cuddles and being squished underneath Ian’s big, warm body on the couch.

Eventually, they came across the Kash’n’Grab.  
Mickey smirked when they saw the store across the street.  
“That place is still standing, huh?”  
Ian nodded, “Linda’s twins are working in there now.”  
Mickey looked up at him and then back to the store, “You remember, the first time we fucked face to face, it was in there.”

Ian laughed and nodded, “It was great”  
“Damn right it was”  
“Finally could see your face when I made you come, but the whole time I was just thinking ‘ _damn, nice legs_ ’”  
“That’s where that fetish is coming from?”, Mickey chuckled.  
“It’s not a fetish.”  
“Sometimes I’m thinking you’re about to bite them off.”, he grinned and shook his head, “You’ve always been a fucking vampire. Count Iancula.”

Ian laughed and looked down at his fiancé, though they went to school together and grew up just a few streets apart, the first time they actually, consciously said something to the other was in that store, the second time they fucked was in the store too, Ian developed a serious crush on him in that store, they had a lot of fun in there.

“Only job I ever enjoyed”, Mickey mumbled, shrugged and crossed the street to the store, Ian followed.  
“You promised to buy sour candy for us”, Ian remembered.  
Mickey nodded, “Though ' _buy_ ’ is a broad term.”  
“It’s really not, Mick. Please don’t steal from them, I don’t want to visit my husband in prison.”  
“Oh yeah? Visiting your husband in prison used to be your reason for getting married to me at all.”  
Ian bit his lip and looked away, Mickey leaned his shoulder against Ian’s, “Don’t be upset. I’ll get you your candy. Wait here.”

Ian wanted to protest, but Mickey already entered the store.  
A few minutes later he came back out, smirked at Ian and quickly started walking back home, Ian followed him. Mickey chuckled and held up the candy he stole, “They’re pussies like their dad, I bet, but also fucking blind.”  
“Stealing was always down when you weren’t around, so they probably aren’t used to have someone come in and rob them blind.”  
Mickey shrugged.

At home, Mickey put the candy on the coffee table while Ian headed to the kitchen.  
“Fuck man, I’m freezing”, Mickey complained, “Why does December always have to be so fucking cold?”  
Ian came back from the kitchen a few minutes later, Mickey was cuddled up in a blanket, only his head was still visible, Ian chuckled when he saw him like that.

“Here have some hot chocolate, that will heat you right up”  
Mickey looked at the two mugs in Ian’s hands, contemplating whether he could drink the hot chocolate without having to remove his arms from under the blanket. Ian put the mugs on the coffee table and simply pulled the blanket from Mickey’s body.

“Hey, fucker! Give it back, I’m gonna freeze to death. Fuck, why do I give up half of my money every month if no one is paying for some heat?”  
Ian smiled and handed him his mug, so Mickey could drink the hot chocolate while angry mumbling about people letting windows open in the middle of the freaking ice age and global warming should hurry the fuck up.

“Will you give me some space on the couch too?”, Ian asked, Mickey was still sprawled out on it, not letting Ian sit down.  
“Nah, you stole my blanket.”  
Ian smiled, waited until Mickey put his mug down again and then simply lay down on top of Mickey as if he was a blanket.

Mickey acted like he was squeezed to death by a giant rock, “Fuck, dude, you’re heavy”  
Ian grinned and kissed him, “Shut up, I know you like it.”  
Mickey gasped dramatically and then stopped moving as if he was dead.  
Ian grinned and grabbed the candy from the table, he took a few sour coke bottles and pushed one between Mickey’s lips, “Here drink this potion to come back to life”

Mickey started chuckling and ate the candy Ian gave him.  
“How can you be so warm”, Mickey mumbled and pushed his hands underneath Ian’s shirt.  
Ian shrugged, “I’ve always been the hotter one out of the two of us.”

Mickey rolled his eyes but kissed him. Ian smiled down at him.

“So, May, huh”, Ian said eventually.  
Mickey nodded, “And then we’re having some nice fucking honeymoon.”  
Ian grinned, “I only could get two weeks off for the honeymoon though.”  
Mickey shrugged, “That’s okay, we can still keep up the honeymoon phase even after we came back.”  
“Came back from where exactly?”, Ian wondered, Mickey was always all about planning the wedding, they hadn’t talked about the honeymoon, “Don’t spend too much money on this whole thing, okay?”

Mickey rolled his eyes, “A decent wedding costs money and so does a nice honeymoon, we ain’t gonna starve because of it.”  
“Where will we go for the honeymoon, I didn’t know we really were gonna go anywhere.”  
Mickey smiled, “It’s gonna be a surprise, Redbeard”, he ran his finger over Ian’s beard that he was growing again.

Ian smiled, but he also started to worry about money slowly. Mickey refused to show him any bills or tell him what all of the things he was buying costed. How would they ever be able to move out of this place?

Ian took another coke bottle and mumbled, “We gotta talk about this marriage life future shit”  
Mickey looked up at him with raised eyebrows, “Why?”  
“Well”, Ian sat up, “We should figure out how being married will work before we’re getting married, right?”  
“Uh-huh”, Mickey sat up too and snatched the blanket from behind Ian, “Why would it work differently than it does now?”

Ian looked at him thoughtfully, “It should be a little different, right? What else would be the point in getting married? It has to change _something_.”

Mickey shook his head, “I thought we were clear about why we’re getting married. Security and to show, prove, celebrate and so on that we love each other, for, ya know, ever.”  
Ian nodded, “Okay. Still, we’re getting married and then we have this whole fucking future in front of us. What then?”  
Mickey shrugged, “Then we just live it?”

“Yeah, but how? Do we have plans for the future? We should have plans, things we want in the future, like… moving out. We started talking about moving out of this house when we moved in, that was like three years ago. I get that after my diagnosis you didn’t want to move out anymore at first because my siblings are more familiar with the disorder, but now…”

Mickey nodded, “We’re handling that shit fine. And the way I know your family we’re not gonna be able to shake them completely anyway, so they’re always gonna be around when you slip.”, he shrugged, “And we talked about moving out forever, that didn’t change.”

“But we never talk about specifics. This is exactly what I mean. Yes, we’re talking about moving out for three years, but we never did it. Now we’re spending all of our money on the wedding – which I’m fine with – but we don’t have a plan for any of it, never looked at places and stuff, so we don’t even have the faintest idea how much we have to safe.”

“So you want to go house hunting with me, is that what you’re saying?”  
Ian shrugged, “Yes. Maybe just after the wedding. But do we get a house or an apartment? Do we rent, do we buy?”  
Mickey looked at him confused, “I have no idea, I’d go for the nicest affordable thing.”  
Ian nodded, “For that, we would have to start looking at houses and stuff.”  
“Yeah, I get it, we’ll do that.”  
Ian looked at him expecting him to keep talking, Mickey looked back confused.

“When?”, Ian asked finally.  
Mickey shrugged, “How should I know? When we got time.”  
Ian nodded, okay he could accept that for now.

“And do we just get a place for the two of us or…”  
“Or what? Who else would come with us? Ian, we’re moving out to get away from this madness.”

Ian licked over his lips, looked at his fingers and mumbled, “What about kids?”  
“Kids? Whose?”  
Ian bit his bottom lip and shrugged, “Do you want to have kids in the future?”  
Mickey blinked a few times, “You mean, you and I as parents?”  
Ian nodded.  
“That doesn’t sound like a good idea at all.”  
“Why not?”  
“My family is responsible for like 87% of white crime in the southside. You have a mental illness. Fuck, we barely have this relationship shit down, how are we gonna be parents?”

Ian shrugged, “I wouldn’t mind a kid or two, though.”  
“Two? How are we gonna pay for that? Or take care of one? We’re both working, we don’t have time or, in my case, nerves for bringing up a whole ass family. Besides, with our two dads as role models, how are we gonna be dads? What would a kid even call us? Dad 1 and Dad 2?”

“That’s just technicalities, it will come naturally. Also, we can be a hell of a lot better than our dads at bringing up kids. How hard could it be, huh?”  
“Very hard. I’ve never met a person that said ‘ _bringing up my child, yeah that shit was easy_ ’ have you? Look at Debbie, one year without sleep and three with a bunch of shitty diapers.”

“So, you don’t want to have children with me, never?”, Ian sounded disappointed.  
Mickey sighed and sipped on his warm chocolate, “Never is a long time.”, he said finally, Ian looked at him hopefully now, “We’re not ready for kids and being parents and all that shit at all. Maybe we will be, I don’t know.”  
“So, you’re not totally against having kids?”  
Mickey shrugged, “I never thought about it”, he said simply, “We’re two men, having kids ain’t exactly the first thing I’m thinking about when I’m supposed to think about ‘ _shit that could happen to us soon_ ’”

“You’re great with Franny.”  
Mickey rolled his eyes, “I can entertain a toddler for five hours and that’s what makes you think ‘ _I wanna raise a dozen babies with him_ ’? Is that a thing running in your family? Because it would explain a lot.”  
Ian smiled, “I didn’t say a dozen. We’re getting better at the whole relationship stuff if we keep working on that we might be ready to raise kids too. I want to have a child with you.”  
Mickey bit his bottom lip, “I don’t know. I don’t think it’s a good idea, freckles… I don’t know how to raise a child at all and we’re both working in shifts and all that…”, he shook his head, “I’ll think about it.”  
Ian smiled lightly leaned over to him and kissed him.  
“Thanks.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did you watch Hall of Shame? Everyone is hating on it, but I really liked it. Why is everyone pissed? It is exactly what they advertised: Some new scenes and a lot of flashbacks to have a retrospective of their relationship. They did what they said they would do and though the 87% was weird (He's got 5 siblings, one niece and one nephew they're gonna be in those last 13% guys). They said what to expect, they met the expectations. And now everyone is fighting about who loves who more, but of course, past relationships are always having an impact on you, tho they were/ended badly. Mickey just simply never loved anyone else than Ian, Ian loved other people but he always loved/loves Mick MORE. That's the whole point. If you srly get so fucking mad about that, shut up and go cry in the corner, please.
> 
> I also enjoy S11 generally (tho I only watch the Gallavich scenes on Twitter) usually when ppl cry about how awful a season etc is, it ain't THAT fucking bad (except Game of Thrones, Game of thrones should die in shame)


	17. The Wedding

**February**

Mickey finished his cigarette, threw it on the ground and stomped up the stairs to his childhood home. The Milkovich house has a certain smell to it, Mickey could never quite place it, but it always hit him with a memory wave when he entered the house for the first time in a while. And it’s been a while since he had been in here.

Mickey’s brothers and cousins were sitting in the living room, where Sandy had managed to get them all together: his brothers Iggy and Collin, his half-brothers Olly, Joey and Jamie, his half-sister Jenny and his cousins Charlie, Dshoey and Timmy (who was Sandy’s brother)

The Milkoviches were smoking weed and drinking beer, it was around noon, Iggy was the first one to notice him.   
“Hey, Mick, what are you doing back here?”, he grinned and slapped Collin’s arm, “Look who made it fucking home again.”   
Slowly the rest of the family acknowledged Mickey’s presence.

“Heard you’re getting hitched to the red Gallagher”, Collin said, “Dad ain’t happy about it.”   
“Yeah, I noticed.”, Mickey said and crossed his arms in front of his chest, “What about the rest of you, huh? Got anything to say against it?”

“Nah, man”, Dshoey said, “I think it’s great, since you’re gone I can sleep in your bed.”   
“We’re not talking about beds, dim-wit, this is about sides. Terry wants to kill me and Ian and turn our wedding into a live-action version of _shoot the faggot_. Are you on my side or his, huh?”

Some of the family members looked at him confused.   
“Sides?”, Jamie asked, “What for?”   
Mickey rolled his eyes, “Either you’re gonna help dad burning down my wedding or you’re gonna help me keeping him out. Easy as that.”

“Dude, we didn’t even get invited to the wedding”, Iggy complained, “And we’re your brothers, one of us is your best man.”   
“I’m the best man, shithead”, Sandy said.   
“You’re not a man, your tits are real”, Jamie said and sipped on his beer, Sandy flipped him off.

“You’re invited to the wedding if you help me keep Terry out.”   
“Don’t we get an invitation? You’re having money for a fancy wedding and we don’t even get a real invitation.”, Collin said.   
Sandy stood up from the couch and disappeared for a moment in the kitchen.   
“Could you concentrate on the point here: I know that dad is recruiting uncle Ronnie and whoever fucking else to shoot me and Ian at my wedding. I worked hard for getting that thing, I’m not gonna have it ruined by anyone. All I’m asking of you is to take some guns, come to the wedding and make sure dad stays the fuck out.”

Some of the Milkoviches nodded and shrugged “Whatever, sure, sounds like fun”, Olly said.   
“What kind of food are you serving?”, Dshoey asked, “And do we get cake?”  
“I’m still not satisfied with the best-man-issue”, Iggy said.   
“I’m still waiting for my invitation.”, Collin nodded.

Sandy came back with a piece of paper and handed it to Collin.   
“Choose your event: Shoot the faggot or Shoot the fag-beater.”, Collin read and laughed, “Oh, I get it, Shoot the faggot is Terry’s side and shoot the fag-beater is guarding the wedding.”   
“I don’t get it, are you inviting a lot of fag-beaters? Is that a gay-wedding thing?”, Charlie asked.

Mickey looked at Sandy, “I forgot how exhausting they are.”   
Sandy smirked, “But at least we’re gonna have protection for your wedding, right guys?”   
Now the agreement from the Milkoviches was a bit louder and certain.

“Of course, bro”, Iggy said, “We’re not letting Terry and the rest crash the wedding. But we’re getting free booze, right?”   
Mickey shrugged, “I see what I can do.”   
“And don’t worry, I’ll be your best man.”   
“Sandy’s my best man.”   
“That’s stupid, how is she supposed to plan your bachelor party? Huh? She’s a lesbian.”

“So?”, Sandy asked, “Mickey is gay, you know what kind of strippers are coming to a gay dude’s bachelor party? Not the kind you’re hoping to see.”   
Mickey shook his head, “There aren’t gonna be strippers or a party.”, Mickey reminded her, “Just you and I getting wasted.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

**March**

Ian and Mickey came home through the backdoor to the kitchen, where Tami, Fiona and Debbie were sitting.   
“Hey, where are you coming from? I thought you both had the day off.”, Fiona said.   
“Just looking at some houses and apartments”, Ian shrugged while taking off his jackets, Mickey got a beer from the fridge.   
“So after three years of talking you really will move out now, huh?”   
“As soon as we got enough money”, Ian nodded.

Mickey leaned over the kitchen counter, “Finally getting away from your noisy asses. Why do Gallagher’s always have to be so fucking loud in the morning?”   
“You’re calling us loud?”, Debbie said with raised eyebrows, “We’re forced to listen to your sex noises all the time. Sometimes you even let the door open.”

Ian chuckled and went over to Mickey to kiss his cheek.   
Fiona nodded, “If I have to hear ‘give it to me dom top daddy’ one more time in my life I might have to throw up.”   
“I think ‘uber-masculine slut’ is way worse”, Tami shook her head, “Though as long as they’re only doing it in their bedroom, we’re all lucky.” The other two girls nodded. Mickey smirked at Ian.

“Every time I see Ian with that beard I feel bad for the rest of you”, Fiona said, “Because it means they’re doing their pirate role games again.”   
“Ugh, it’s driving me crazy.”   
“Though I do think screaming ‘ay ay captain’ is better than ‘daddy’”, Tami said and rubbed her forehead.  
“Or the other week after watching Lord of the Rings and they were doing Aragorn and Legolas role play”, Debbie said, “Fi, be glad you weren’t here. ‘ _Pointy ears’ ‘archer’ ‘pretty elf boy_ ’ for days. And the worst one was Ian repeating ‘ _They’re taking the Mickey to Orgasmgard_ ’ I could still hear it in my head days later.”, Debbie put her head on the table, Fiona chuckled.

“And then they were fighting for three days whether Mickey should be Aragorn or Gimli and I’m not even sure if their fighting is better than their dirty talk”, Tami said, “Especially because they tend to use the same words.”   
“Orgygard”, Ian said, “I said Orgygard, it goes better with the flow of the quote.”

Mickey grinned at Ian, who leaned over to him and whispered in his ear: “Let’s go take the Mickey to Orgasmgard.”   
“Boys, you are aware that there are children in the house, right?”, Fiona asked.   
“Comes from the girl who used to have sex in the kitchen and on the staircase while we were asleep.”, Ian smirked, “Also if it’s so awful, all of you should be in favour of us moving out, so if you got some money to spare, we’ll take it.”

“What about the house next door?”, Debbie said, “It’s empty for years now, how expensive can it be?”   
“It’s too big for just the two of us”, Ian shook his head, “There would be two spare rooms, it doesn’t make sense.”

They had talked about the house next door, it had one bedroom for them and two rooms that could work as bedrooms for children. Ian had used the opportunity to get back to the topic of adopting kids in the future, but Mickey had said “One step at a time, Gallagher”  
Mickey still hadn’t told Ian a clear decision about their future as parents, he was less and less opposed to the thought of having his own little family with Ian – but the more he thought about it, the more often he had to think about his own childhood, about the things he’s been through and that exhausted him.

The front door opened and closed and Lip came to the kitchen while going through the mail.   
“Huh”, he mumbled, “That’s weird I got a letter from the St Louis Police department. The hell do they want from me, I’ve never even been to St. Louis.”

Lip shrugged and started opening the thick envelope. Mickey looked up at the words St Louis Police.

“That’s for me”, he said.   
Lip looked at him confused, “It has my name on it.”   
“I’m sure it’s for me, give it here.”   
“What? No. They sent it to me, I’ll open it.”   
“You will fucking not, give it here. Why would St. Louis Police send anything to you”, Mickey quickly went over to him and wanted to grab the envelope, but Lip held it away from him.

“Fuckhead, give it to me”  
Lip tried to hold Mickey away from him, the girls at the table watched the scene confused, while Ian tried to pull Mickey back.   
“Mick, calm the fuck down, let him open it, then you’ll see for who it is.”   
“Fucking hell, Ian, keep your husband in line”, Lip went to the other side of the kitchen, while Ian was holding Mickey back, he pulled a letter out of the envelope.

“Dear Mr Milkovich, I hope this letter finds you through the addressee you told us”, he read the first line, he looked at Mickey, “It really is for you.”   
“Yeah, no shit sherlock”, Ian let Mickey go, so he could snatch the envelope away from Lip.

“Who is Maya Henderson?”, Lip asked.   
“Ay, stop reading my mail, moron”, he took the letter from Lip too, but tossed it on the table not caring about it.  
“I don’t get it what is in St Louis?”, Debbie asked. Ian picked up the letter now to read it.

Mickey didn’t listen to any of them, he finally took the chance to take the other item out of the envelope. Officer Palmer had sent him Mandy’s ring.   
“A ring?”, Lip asked, “is a bit too small for you or Ian, isn’t it.”

“It’s Mandy’s”, Ian said suddenly without even looking at the ring, he just finished the letter, “We hope you will find your sister soon, Sincerely Olivia Palmer and Susanne Peaks.”, he read out the last line of the letter.

“Find? Why find?”, Lip asked, “Mandy moved away, what does she mean with find? Why is the police looking for Mandy?”   
“Who is Mandy?”, Tami asked now when she heard the worried tone in her boyfriend’s voice.   
“Mickey’s little sister”, Fiona said.   
“And Lip’s ex-girlfriend”, Debbie added.

Tami looked up at Lip with raised eyebrows, but he couldn’t care less, he was staring at the ring Mickey was inspecting.   
“Mandy would never give that thing away. Once she stayed overnight, took the ring off to shower, she couldn’t find it for three minutes afterwards and had a fucking panic attack”, Lip insisted, “What is it doing with the police and who is this Maya?”

“The fuck are you shouting at me for, asshole? It’s your fucking fault that she left, none of you even noticed she is missing for three years.”, he yelled at Lip and then stormed upstairs. Lip let himself fall on a chair at the kitchen table. Tami was looking at him with her arms crossed in front of her chest, Ian went after his fiancé.

Mickey sat on the bed, looking at his sister’s ring thoughtfully. Ian kissed his forehead and then sat down across from him on the bed.   
“Mick, what is going on? Mandy didn’t answer any of my texts in three years, of course, I was worried, but… you know when people move away friends fall out of touch sometimes… what is really going on?”

Mickey scratched his neck, “She’s Gone”, he mumbled and looked at Ian, “When she stopped replying to our texts I drove down to St Louis. The people there said she quit her job and that she and her boyfriend moved. They said, they’ve never seen any bruises on her, but Zach was controlling, made her stop working, decided where she should be when, all that stuff.”, he sighed, “Since then I have no idea where she is or what’s happening to her. I’m looking through the news all the time across the country, checking if they found someone like her, if she appeared somewhere. But nothing.”

“And the dead girl in St Louis? Maya Henderson?”   
“Whenever a body of a young, black-haired, blue-eyed woman was found, I called them or even drove to the police departments to identify the bodies.”   
“All by yourself?”, Ian asked surprised, “Mick, why didn’t you tell me, I would have come with you.”   
“I didn’t want you to worry.”, he shook his head, “Also, I’ve looked at more bodies than you ever will already, I could stomach that.”

Mickey took a deep breath, “When you were manic for the second time, I saw the picture of Mandy’s ring in relation with a dead woman in St Louis. I went there completely convinced they found Mandy. But it wasn’t Mandy. It was Maya Henderson, she was murdered by her neighbour’s brother or something, I don’t know. But she had Mandy’s ring. They couldn’t give it to me as long as the investigation was still ongoing. They hoped the ring could be a lead, it wasn’t.”

Ian scooted closer to him, so he was sitting next to him, and pulled him against him.   
“I’m so sorry, Mick. I had no idea you were going through all of this alone.”   
Mickey shrugged, “There’s another thing.”   
“What?”

“When the robbery happened and Finnegan was shot, I told you I was in St. Louis.”  
“Yes, I remember.”   
“The day before, Palmer called me and said they found out where the ring came from, some shady ass pawn shop near Mandy and Zach’s old address.”   
“So you went there to ask the owner I guess? Mick, why didn’t you tell the police about it? Another police officer knew about it, you had a rock-solid alibi.”

“Yes, but Palmer hadn’t been allowed to give this information to me, if I talked, I would have snitched on her. Also, I didn’t really ask the owner. I tied him to a chair and beat the living shit out of him until I got my answers. If I would have told the police about it, they wouldn’t have arrested me for the robbery, but for the assault and battery. Not that much better, that’s also why I told you I’d be at work that night.”

Ian bit his bottom lip and nodded, “What did you find out?”   
“Shortly before I went down to St Louis the first time, a guy came into the pawnshop. He gave away the ring and Mandy’s cell phone as well as some other of her belongings for some cash. The owner remembered that he had seen a girl in the car outside, crying. That’s all the information he had, most of her stuff was already gone, too.”

Ian let Mickey rest his head on his shoulder. He leaned over to his bedside table and got the ring box from their engagement rings. He held it out to Mickey.   
“Put it in here for safekeeping. We will find her one day, Mick.”   
Mickey smiled sadly and put the ring into the box, “I don’t think so, freckles. I think if I ever find her again, she will be dead.”

Ian had no encouraging words for him. Mickey was probably right. He doubted they’d ever get a sign of life from Mandy again. Her boyfriend already exhibited controlling behaviour in St. Louis and previous relationships had shown, that Mandy easily went back to boyfriends who hit her.

“If only she had stayed with Lip”, Ian mumbled. Mickey leaned away from Ian again and put the ring into the drawer of his bedside table.   
“It’s his fucking fault that she’s gone.”   
“It’s not”, Ian said calmly, “They didn’t work out and, yes, Mandy decided to leave so she didn’t have to see him every day, but we both met Zach, I don’t think he left her that much of a choice anyway.”   
“So it’s my fault?”   
“No”, Ian said sincerely, “Neither your nor my fault, Mickey. We couldn’t force her to stay, what were we supposed to do? Tie her to the fridge?”, he shook his head.

“It’s Lip’s fault. He treated her like trash, that’s why she started dating Zach, to begin with, she left to get away from him.”   
“Their whole relationship was dysfunctional.”   
“So was ours.”  
“Yes, but we worked it out every time, they didn’t. They both made mistakes, you can’t pinpoint the fault. Yes, Lip treated her badly and used her while he was in college. But he felt like he couldn’t trust her anymore after she cheated on him the first time.”

Mickey looked at him confused, “Mandy never cheated on Lip. She cheated on Zach with Lip.”   
“Before that”, Ian shook his head, “Long, long before Zach, when we weren’t even together yet. Mandy was pregnant by someone else, that’s why they broke up the first time.”

“Mandy didn’t cheat”, Mickey responded stone-cold.   
“Many people cheat, I’m not saying she deserved any of the shit Lip put her through afterwards, I’m on her side, but she admitted the baby wasn’t Lip’s, so-“   
“She was raped”, Mickey said, Ian looked at him with wide eyes.

“What?”, Ian whispered.   
“She was pregnant because she was raped, she just didn’t want to tell Lip anything about it.”   
“Are you sure?”   
“Am I sure? I fucking drove her to the abortion clinic, she came crying to me about it, of course, I’m fucking sure!”, he started yelling.

“By who? Did you and your brothers kill who did this? That would be okay with me.”   
Mickey bit his bottom lip and looked away.   
“Mick?”   
“Terry”, he mumbled.   
“What about Terry?”   
“He”, he cleared his throat, “Dad raped Mandy. All the time when he was drunk because she looked like our mom.”

Ian looked paler than he already was.   
“I think I’m gonna be sick.”, he mumbled, “Yeah, really”   
Ian stood up and hurried to the bathroom. Mickey looked after him and shook his head. He looked at the bedside table again, where the ring was in now.

The ring was passed down from their grandmother to their mother to Mandy. It should go to Mandy’s daughter next. But Mandy was probably dead. And even if she had children, the ring was here, now. If Mickey ever had a daughter she should get the ring next.

Mickey’s eyes fell on the stuffed octopus now. He never had a plushie as a child, barely had toys, wore clothes that went through all of his brothers first. He was beaten to a pulp by his father, his mother was always high to cope with being beaten and raped and sold by Terry. He had preferred sleeping in the streets as a teenager, just so he didn’t have to go home. He couldn’t remember a day of being fourteen years old after his mother died and he was constantly drunk and high.

Ian’s childhood was fucked up too, no doubt, but there at least Fiona took care of him, took really care of him. Mickey took the octopus toy, if he would have a child, he would never hit them, he would buy them all the plushies and toys they wanted and make sure they had enough to eat and wear and he would beat up their bullies’ parents.

Ian came back into the room, he held a hand on his stomach and lay down on the bed.   
“You okay?”, Mickey asked.   
“Me? Are you okay? Shit, what other stuff went down in that house?”   
“You don’t want to know”, Mickey mumbled.

Ian nodded and looked at the octopus he was holding, “What are you doing with Mr Octy?”   
Mickey smiled and put it on Ian’s chest.   
“I want us to have children in the future”, he said, “And we’re gonna be good fucking parents.”   
Ian started smiling at him, “Really?”   
“Fucking yes. I have no idea which social worker will be stupid enough to give us a child, but we’ll get one. And then we maybe even buy the house next door, though I wanted to get away from your siblings a little bit further”, he rolled his eyes, then leaned down and kissed Ian.   
“I love you”, Ian mumbled.   
“Fuckin’ love you, too, Redbeard.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

**April**

For their respective bachelor parties, Ian and his friends went to the gay clubs together, pulling Lip with them who had gotten a lot of attention and free drinks by the bears. Ian wouldn’t ever let that go. Mickey went out with Sandy and his brothers, going from bar to bare, getting shit-faced drunk.

Somewhere along the evening, Sandy had an amazing idea. Since she had been a child, she wanted to become a tattoo artist, even had the equipment at home and she brought it with her that evening. Mickey forgot the rest of the evening.

The morning after their parties, Ian woke up on the couch in the Gallagher house, still fully dressed and his skin covered in sharpie. He found Mickey lying on the front porch, he didn’t look that much better, Sandy at least made it to the staircase.

Ian made some coffee and took his pills. His head felt as if someone had hit him over with a baseball bat, for a brief moment he wondered if maybe they had met Terry last night after all. Ian shook his head, which he immediately regretted, and then went outside with the coffee. He sat down on the top step and leaned down to Mickey.

“Rise and shine, sleepyhead.”   
Mickey didn’t react. Ian shook his shoulder lightly.   
“Fuck off”, he growled.   
“At least come upstairs to the bed, Mick, you can’t sleep on the porch.”   
“You don’t have a clue about what I can”, he mumbled and the last words got lost. Ian chuckled.   
“Had a bit too much last night, huh?”   
Mick growled something.

Ian smiled and leaned down to kiss him softly on the lips.   
“Wake up”, he whispered.   
“This ain’t a fairy-tale, dipshit”   
“It’s working though”, he smiled and kissed him again, “I’ve got some coffee for you”

Mickey slowly forced himself to lift his head, he crawled over to Ian and rested his head on Ian’s lap.   
“Well, it’s a start”, Ian chuckled, “Coffee?”   
Mickey raised his hands and then started sipping on the coffee half lying, but he didn’t spill anything on himself, Ian was very proud of him.

“Fuck, my head hurts, I didn’t have a hangover like this in years”, Mickey mumbled, “If Terry would kill us now, I wouldn’t even fucking mind.”   
“Don’t say that we can only get a joined grave if we’re married.”   
“I thought, we’re gonna share a box in the bookshelf”

Mickey rubbed his forehead and pulled a face, “My whole body fucking hurts.”   
“Yeah, you slept on the porch, idiot, that’s what happens.”   
“My chest hurts, too, fuck”, he mumbled and touched his chest and flinched, Ian looked down at him.   
“You’ve got blood there, what did you do last night?”   
“I don’t fucking know.”

Ian pulled Mickey’s shirt to the side to look at the wound on Mickey’s chest.   
“It looks like a tattoo”, Ian mumbled, Mickey groaned.   
“Fuck, no, Sandy brought her tattoo stuff with her last night. What is it, please don’t say it’s a dick.”   
Ian chuckled and took a closer look at the black lines that were half covered in blood, it was letters if he wasn’t mistaken. He tried to read the words and then suddenly started laughing loudly.

“What? What is it? Is it a massive dick? Fuck, just skin me now.”   
Ian was still laughing, throwing his head back and gasping for air.   
“Stop laughing idiot, you’re making my head explode.”   
“It’s my name”, Ian managed to say between his laughter.   
“What?”   
“You’ve got my name tattooed over your little heart, such a fucking romantic”, he laughed and ran his hand through Mickey’s hair.

Mickey swatted his hand away and sat up, “No, I fucking ain’t”   
Ian just kept laughing hysterically while Mickey pulled his shirt away to look at the tattoo.   
“I’m gonna kill Sandy”, Mickey growled.   
“No, don’t. She’s your best man, remember?”   
“Fucking dyke clown”, Mickey growled and stood up. Ian chuckled but stood up too and led Mickey upstairs to their bedroom (he kicked Sandy when they passed her by the stairs)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

May

The day of the wedding finally arrived. Mickey knew from his brothers, that they had stopped several of Terry’s attacks on them by “acting stupid and sabotaging him” – Mickey wondered how much of it was actually stupidity and not planned by the brothers, but for the first time in his life, he was thankful to have them and their arsenal of weapons.

Sandy was coordinating all of their stuff being brought to the wedding place because Mickey was close to having a mental breakdown by now.

Ian was looking forward to this day. Just a few more hours and that adorable ball of grumpiness and gay angst was his husband. Mickey had planned every detail of it, while Ian mainly just stopped him from assaulting florists and caterers who either refused to do business with the gays or didn’t have his stuff in the right colours. The only thing Ian chose basically on his own was the music to avoid dancing with his husband to songs about suicide and drug abuse (Mickey had pouted about this for a week)

Ian was standing in their bedroom, trying to see anything in their small mirror, while tying his bow tie. Mickey had rented two suits for them, Ian’s was black, Mickey’s was white. He could Mickey walking through the hallway to their room, “If anything goes wrong today, I can’t guarantee for anything. One chair in the wrong colour, the cake’s not tasting right or just one fucking petal out of place, I will cut somebody’s throat!”, he said while coming in.   
“You’re gonna die off a heart attack before I’m getting my wedding night, huh?”, Ian smirked and turned around to him.

Mickey was busy with his bow tie trying to put a knot into it.   
“This fucking thing is killing me, who the fuck came up with this? I’m gonna find him, dig up his grave and set his fucking corpse on fi-“, he now looked at Ian and stopped talking, he was downright speechless at Ian standing in front of him in the black suit with the little velvet details, “Fuck you look good.”

Ian grinned and walked over to him, “So do you, Milkovich”, he said and took the bow tie from Mickey.   
“Since when are you calling me that?”   
“It’s gonna be the last day you’re having that name, just making good use of it”, he said and started tying the bow tie for his soon-to-be husband. Mickey looked up at him while he adjusted his collar and pulled the bow in place.   
“This is kind of a turn on.”   
“Really? I just thought about how cute you look.”

Mickey scoffed and Ian chuckled and kissed him.   
“Today is gonna be the happiest day of our life, Mick, smile.”   
“Doesn’t have a lot of competition for being the happiest day of our life, right?”   
“We had a lot of happy days and happy weeks and months.”

Ian took Mickey’s hands in his and smiled at them.   
“Did you know, when we were kids and you just started letting me hold your hand in public, I always counted the seconds you let me hold your hand?”   
“You were such a dork back then.”   
Ian grinned and nodded, “It was important to me that you let me do that”, he simply explained, “Still is.”, he kissed his knuckles, “So, time to say goodbye to scary southside thug Mickey Fuck u-up Milkovich.”   
Mickey smirked, “I’m still gonna be scary southside thug Fuck u-up – but Gallagher.”   
“I wouldn’t have it any other way”, Ian kissed him again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mickey and Ian arrived at the wedding place. Sandy was managing the place for them well. Everything was in place, everything had the right colour. Two of Mickey’s brothers had their guns strapped to their bodies, they came up to them like guards from a military basis.

“Everything’s clear so far. Don’t know what Dad’s planning exactly, but there’s no way he gets past us.”   
“We positioned at every entrance”, the other brother nodded.   
Mickey looked at Sandy.   
“I coordinated them”, she assured him.   
“Thanks.”

Ian was looking mildly confused from the guns to Mickey.   
“Are you sure this is necessary?”   
“You can choose: My brothers and their guns as guards or the real-life version of the Red Wedding from Game of Thrones.”   
Ian looked at the brothers, “Thank you for your support.”

Iggy grinned, “No problem, bro-in-law.”   
The two went back to their position by the door to the building. Ian frowned.   
“You alright?”, Mickey asked.   
“Yeah, just forgot for a minute that the in-law thing goes in both directions… Terry Milkovich is gonna be my father in law. Like… what the actual fuck.”   
Sandy raised her eyebrows, she always looked like Mickey when she did that, “Now I see why you all consider Lip to be the smart one. Not a lot of competition. Now, you only got a few minutes, Ian you go to the front there, Mickey you come with me.”

While Sandy disappeared with Mickey, Ian took his position in a secluded space near the altar, he took a deep breath. This was actually about to happen. He could see through a few plants how the chairs filled with people. Fiona, her boyfriend, Debbie, Carl, Liam, Veronica, her twins, Kevin, even Frank showed up, Lip’s girlfriend Tami, the guys from work, a few friends, even Ned came, who Mickey invited out of pettiness.

Lip came to him.   
“So, you ready?”, Lip asked.   
“Yeah”, he said with a smile, he couldn’t wait for this any longer, he was shocked that he even ever questioned if this would be the right thing. It felt fucking right. Lip gave a sign to the DJ, the music changed to a soft love song.

Lip looked at him for a moment smiling, he was proud of his little brother, he was proud he overcame his issues, actually talked with his boyfriend and now was about to get married.

“You chose that shit?”, Lip asked about the music.   
“Absolutely”, Ian grinned.   
“You’re a softie.”, he said and hugged his brother.

They walked from the side space to the Altar. At the other end of the aisle, Sandy sent Franny down to the altar now. She looked adorable in her little flower girl dress. She let rose petals fall on the ground on her way until the toddler stopped halfway down the aisle and flipped her basket over to scatter them all in one place, Ian looked at Mickey, but he only smiled, because she was adorable.

Mickey and Sandy now started walking down the aisle. Mickey looked nervous like he couldn’t believe this was really happening. Sandy was smiling at her cousin while walking him down the aisle.

When Mickey finally arrived he looked at Ian, like he couldn’t believe Ian was still standing here and didn’t run off yet. Reverend Sally was doing the ceremony. They stood in front of her, listening closely to what she said, Ian kept glancing at Mickey, who still looked nervous, Ian wondered if he was afraid, Ian might say no and chicken out of the whole thing after all. He had no plan like that whatsoever. He wouldn’t leave this place before becoming Mickey’s husband.

It was finally time for their vows, They turned to each other, Ian took Mickey’s tiny hands in his own and stroked his thumbs over his knuckle tattoos. Ian smiled at him reassuringly.

Mickey swallowed and started speaking while looking into Ian’s eyes, “I, Mikhailo, take you, Ian to be my husband. To have and to hold you from this day forward for better, for worse, for richer or poorer, sickness and in health, to love and to cherish you ‘til death do us part.”

Ian could feel Mickey’s hands shaking lightly and now Ian was feeling the nervousness too, to stand here in front of all those people and to really get married to this man he had loved for so long, but it was a nice nervousness, in no way making him want to quit.

“I, Ian, take you”, he started smiling, “Mickey”, he said though everyone had referred to him as Mikhailo today, “to be my husband, to have and to hold you from this day forward, for better or for worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish you, ‘til death do us part.”

Mickey smiled now too, visibly relieved and happy.

“Now that Ian and Mikhailo”, said Reverend Sally, “Have given themselves to each other with these vows and the giving and receiving of rings, I now pronounce you husband and husband.”

Ian looked at her, “now?”  
“Yes, now”

Ian smiled and then passionately kissed his husband. An intense joy overcame both of them. The people applauded and cheered for them.

Husbands.   
They made it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, you could theoretically part this story into 3 main parts and this would be the end of part 2. Now starts my favourite part, which was actually the basic idea of this story.
> 
> Also sorry this took so long, but you know Christmas and all that. Anyways, I got a tablet for Christmas (mainly for Uni) and I've been drawing on it a lot, in case you want to do me a favour and check them out: Instagram: miriam_mctroi (but they're not Gallavich related... but they're hot gay warlocks and elves)


	18. Let's talk about Kids, baby

They partied until deep into the night. Mickey was even dancing the entire time, although he had said before he wouldn’t. Ian couldn’t remember when he had last seen his husband this happy. Husband. He still loved the word. He couldn’t imagine that it once filled him with anxiety.

After the wedding and their wedding night in a cheesy motel room with a heart-shaped bed (it was part of Lip’s wedding present) they started their road trip for their honeymoon the next day.

“We are driving to our honeymoon?”, Ian asked, “Where are we going?”  
“Far, far away. You’ll like it freckles, sand, the beach, tequilas and a bright sun.”  
Ian grinned. The beach. Mickey knew how much Ian loved the beach and he still needed new seashells after Mickey had broken their old ones from their trip to the east coast a few years back.

“Why are we driving though, not flying with a plane?”  
“Expensive”, Mickey shrugged.  
“More expensive then all the gas we’ll have to pay for this trip?”

Mickey bit his bottom lip, “I’ve never been on a plane.”  
“Me neither”, Ian said, “I always wanted to.”  
“You want to sit in a giant metal box 10 miles above the ground? You’re crazy.”  
Ian smiled at him, “Are you afraid of flying?”  
Mickey scoffed, “Not afraid of anything”  
Ian smirked and leaned over to him to kiss his cheek.

Mickey grinned, “Why don’t you move that sweet lovin’ mouth a bit further down, huh? Be nice to your husband.”  
“While you’re driving?”  
“Street’s empty so is your mouth.”

Ian laughed and shook his head, he glanced down to Mickey’s pants. He smirked and quickly opened his pants and pulled his dick out. Ian kissed his cheek again before leaning further down, so he had his head in his lap.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

They needed more than a day to reach their destination. Ian was bouncing in his seat ever since they passed a big sign welcoming them in California.

“I can’t believe it”, he had been mumbling over and over again for the past hours.  
“Fucking believe it, freckles. You always said you wanted to come here for our honeymoon.”  
“I’m pretty sure I only said that when I was manic.”  
“Nah, also said it before all of that shit happened. Remember, when I took you to the east coast for your birthday?”

Ian nodded, “First and best vacation ever.”, he smiled at his husband, “I fucking love you, you know that?”  
Mickey put his hand on top of Ian’s hand with their rings, “I know. I love you too.”

Mickey picked the cheapest okay-looking motel he could find, two weeks ain’t cheap for any place. Ian didn’t mind the ugly walls or the condition of the bathroom. The bed didn’t break underneath them fucking their brains out and that counted.

Mickey watched his husband at the beach, how he swam and jumped through the water. He looked incredibly hot half-naked in the California sun. He noticed people left and right staring at Ian in awe, but Ian only noticed Mickey, who looked really damn proud to have him as husband.

Ian took Mickey out for dinner and Mickey collected some seashells he gave Ian as a gift and some that he had promised Franny to bring back for her.

Ian never wanted their honeymoon to end. Mickey assured him, that their honeymoon as such wouldn’t end so quickly, they could still be in their honeymoon phase even when they were back home if it meant no fighting and a lot of sex.

But eventually, the last day of their vacation rolled around and with a heavy heart, Ian said goodbye to the beautiful beach and the warmth of the bright sun. They started driving around five pm, but after only half an hour, Mickey stopped in front of a house in a suburban neighbourhood.

“What are we doing here?”, Ina asked when Mickey got out of the car and walked up to the yellow house. Ian followed him.  
“Who lives here?”, he asked confused.  
“You’ll see.”, he mumbled, knocked on the door and dug in his pockets for a picture.

Ian glanced at the name tag on the house, but he didn’t know the name. An elder woman opened the door.  
“Yes, hello?   
“We’re here to see Derek.”, he said harshly, Ian looked at Mickey surprised.

The woman looked at them uncertainly, Mickey put his foot into the door and looked at her with raised eyebrows. The woman caved in pretty quickly and disappeared in the house.

“Who’s Derek?”, Ian whispered.  
“Sixteen.”  
“Huh?”, he asked confused, but he understood immediately when Derek came to the door. He was Debbie’s ex-boyfriend, Franny’s father. Derek got big eyes filled with fear when he recognised Mickey, he wanted to close the door and run, but Mickey grabbed his arm and pushed him inside, he pressed him against the wall across from the door.

“Hello, Sixteen. Remember me? I told you I’m watching you.”, Mickey growled. Ian watched him with raised eyebrows, he quickly looked around outside, making sure no neighbour was watching them.

Derek was stuttering something, Mickey hit the wall next to him.  
“Please don’t kill me”, he whispered.  
“Kill you, no, not yet”, Mickey smirked, he took the picture from his jacket pocket, Ian guessed it was a picture of Franny, “This is your daughter, Franny. She’s almost three now, do you know how much child support that is that you didn’t pay?”

Derek didn’t even dare to say anything, he looked at the picture, but Ian could see that he didn’t care about the girl in the slightest. “Now, you’re not gonna get rid of us until we don’t have at least a thousand dollars, and if you don’t want us to come back, it better be more.”

“We-we don’t have anything.”  
Mickey pushed him against the wall again, “Do I look fucking stupid to you? Give us the fucking money for Franny.”  
Derek was mumbling something, Mickey had enough of him, so he punched him across the face. Derek groaned and coughed, Ian looked surprised but had to hide a grin.

Suddenly the older woman came back she was holding cash in her trembling hands.  
“Here, but let my nephew go, please.”  
Ian went to her and took the cash from her, he started counting it “Sorry for bothering you, but your nephew’s daughter needs new clothes and a new bed, kids are growing like weeds, right?”, he smiled and turned to his husband, “Let him go, this should be enough.”

Mickey stared down at the boy again and growled. Then Ian pulled him away from him and they left the house.  
“And how much?”  
“$2800. Franny is gonna get some new clothes and a pretty bed from it, if Debbie doesn’t spend it on other shit, she can even get some good toys or a new bike or something.”  
“You wanna bet on that?”  
“Better not.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

They arrived at home the next day and handed the cash to Debbie, Ian made it very clear to her, that the money was for Franny only, for a bed, clothes and toys and that kind of stuff. Mickey said, he would gladly go there again to “punch Sixteen into his whiny little dick face” again. Ian forbid him to do so unless he was taking Ian on vacation to the beach again.

Marriage life treated them well. There was a new sense of security in their relationship, which Mickey thoroughly enjoyed. In fact, when Mickey picked him up from work once in July, he saw some other man flirting with Ian. He didn’t punch him, he didn’t kick him, he didn’t break his fingers, not even one. He only came up to Ian, put his arm around him so the ring was on full display and said “Let’s go home, husband”, then glared at the other man and walked out with Ian. – Ian was impressed.

They didn’t hear a lot from Terry. While they had been on their honeymoon, he apparently showed up a few times at the house, ready to shoot everyone, but Sandy kept him in check. Terry by now publicly announced that Mickey wasn’t his son anymore, which Mickey was more than okay with, especially since he fought himself through a lot of paperwork to finally change his last name.

He was now officially Mikhailo Aleksandr Gallagher and he was damn fucking proud of it.

It was an incredibly hot day in late August. The Gallagher’s were playing in the pool, while Mickey and Franny sat in the sun eating popsicles (Franny took a break from the pool, Mickey only went in there when it was just him and Ian … there had been a lot of summer night pool make-out sessions)

Life was good right now. The house was packed, but they were saving up for their own place. They had their eyes on a small apartment – not too far away for Ian to wither like a flower from being too far away from his siblings and not close enough for them popping in all the time.

At this point, Liam, Carl and Frank were sharing the old boys’ room. Mickey and Ian had Fiona’s old room, Debbie and Franny still slept in Debbie’s room, where Sandy was spending most of her nights too. And then there were Lip and Tami. They were going back and forth between sleeping at the Gallagher house and staying at Tami’s place.

On this day in August, two things happened.

Mickey was busy eye-fucking his husband, who came out of the water, stood on the pool latter, shook his head, so water splashed out of his hair on everyone around. Mickey licked his lips, his eyes glued to his husband's half-naked body, the arms, the tight abs – he would go freaky on them tonight, he knew that much.

Ian came over to him, kissed him and stole his popsicle.  
“Hey!”  
Ian just laughed at him and sat down on him, he kissed his temple and slurped on Mickey’s popsicle.  
“Don’t be too obscene there is a child next to you.”

Then the first thing to change the mood happened.

Fiona appeared. This wasn’t unusual, although she had moved out a while ago, she came by every once in a while. But today, she looked serious. She was biting her lip and playing with her hair nervously.

“Hey guys”, she said to her siblings.  
The others greeted her, but other than that didn’t react much.  
“Uhm, I have something I’d like to talk about with all of you”, she said, trying to get her siblings attention, eventually she got frustrated with no one listening to her, so she decided to yell: “Hey! I need to talk to you.”

Everyone was looking at her surprised, except Sandy who just smiled and gave Mickey a look. The Gallagher’s slowly came out of the pool and they all gathered in the backyard like kids around a camp counsellor.

“You okay, Fi?”, Ian asked concerned.  
Fiona sighed, “Where is Lip?”  
He shrugged, “I don’t know, I think he’s picking up Tami from somewhere.”  
“Okay… well, I’m gonna tell him later then.”

“Tell him what?”, Carl asked.  
Fiona looked at him and sighed again, “Well, I don’t know how to say this, but… Uhm, I’m leaving.”

“Leaving?”, Debbie asked confused, “To where?”  
“Michigan. My boyfriend has to go there and I’m going with him… I mean, you are all almost grown-up, you can handle yourselves, you don’t need me anymore.”

It was true, the siblings didn’t need their big sister to play mommy anymore. But they all still loved her very much. Everyone said a few words about missing her and that she deserves this when the backdoor to the house opened and Lip and Tami came out.

“Guys, we have something to tell you!”, he announced.  
“Bad Timing, dude”, Mickey mumbled.  
“Why?”, Lip asked and looked at his siblings, “Did something happen? Did someone die? Or worse, did Frank survive something?”

“Fiona is leaving”, Ian said.  
“Leaving? To where?”  
“Michigan”, Fiona said.  
“Oh, damn… well, you deserve it, I guess even Michigan is better than this dump.”  
Fiona smiled and nodded, “Thanks. So what did you want to tell us?”

Lip and Tami exchanged a look.  
“Tami’s pregnant.”, Lip said eventually, “We’re having a baby”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After that August everything happened incredibly fast. Fiona left, sold the diner and gave it to the siblings. Tami was pregnant and moody and loud and she and Lip were fighting the entire time about where to live and how to handle a baby (Ian jokingly said, that Mickey and he could adopt it if Tami couldn’t handle the baby, after all, Tami was not amused)

“This reminds me on when Debbie was pregnant”, Mickey mumbled when they were lying awake at night, listening to Tami yelling at Lip, “I’m so fucking glad to be gay right now.”  
“The worst thing is when they ask, ‘whose side are you on’ – no ones, they’re both wrong 90% of the time.”

“Do you think we can move out before the next screamer gets born?”  
“I don’t think so, I think it will take us at least ‘til September next year.”  
“When will the baby be born?”  
“March.”  
Mickey sighed loudly, “Why couldn’t they come up with that baby idea sooner? I would have had a smaller wedding and we could use the money for the apartment to get away from them. Besides this house is way too small for another baby. Franny is three and still sleeping in Debbie’s room.”  
“They have the audacity to complain about our sex noise, but Franny is in the same room when they do their weird lesbian sex things.”

Mickey nodded and looked at him, “Sometimes I don’t get why you want to have one of those so desperately, too.”  
“What, a lesbian?”  
“A baby.”  
Ian grinned, “When it’s your own, it’s cute.”  
“Screaming is never cute. Even if some future child that we might have actually is our bio kid, screaming wouldn’t be cute.”  
“Yeah, but you would get a lot of cute moments as payment for sleepless nights and broken eardrums.”

Mickey smiled at him, “You’re a softie.”  
Ian smiled too and kissed his forehead.  
“Still, one step after the other, Gallagher. First, we get our own place, then we can take care of the child thing.”  
“I know”, Ian whispered and kissed his lip, he slowly pulled his husband on top of him, “Do you think they stop fighting when they hear us fucking?”  
Mickey smirked, “We can try to find out.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

**March**

Tami could give birth to their little baby boy every day now. Lip was excited, so was Ian, Tami was annoyed and tired and Mickey was more and less indifferent to the whole process, except when he thought about all the sleep he was about to miss out on.

Tami and Lip still didn’t figure out where they wanted to live when the baby was there. Lip insisted that they should stay at the Gallagher house because the rest of the family could always help out with taking care of their son. Tami didn’t want to stay in this house. It was all too crowded for her.

“How are we supposed to raise a child here? A child needs space, I need space. This house is stuffed with Gallagher’s and Milkoviches already”, she had carelessly pointed at Mickey.  
Mickey had just scoffed and said, “I am a Gallagher now, you ain’t.”  
Tami hadn’t been amused.

Mickey was lying on the couch in the evening, waiting for Ian to come home from a double shift. The front door opened, and he heard Ian dragging himself in. Mickey sat up on the couch.

“Hey”  
Ian just growled something, took his shoes off and came to him on the couch, Mickey lay back down and Ian let himself fall on him.

“Hard day?”  
“I think double shifts should be against some labour laws or something.”  
Mickey smiled and kissed his forehead. Ian snuggled against him, he had his head on his chest, he could look into Mickey’s shirt and saw the tattoo with his name. He smiled and sighed.

“You hungry? I saved you a plate.”  
“In an hour maybe, just let me nap.”  
“Okay”, Mickey mumbled and put his hand into Ian’s hair.

Their calm couple time was disturbed after only a few minutes by Lip suddenly storming and jumping down the stairs.  
“What’s going on?”, Mickey asked annoyed.  
“It’s happening! The baby is coming! It’s happening! Shit, where is – where are the car keys, and the bag! I can’t forget the hospital bag and the keys, where – there they are!”  
“Dude breathe.”, Mickey rolled his eyes. Tami came down the stairs as well.

Ian was looking up confused, “What’s happening?”  
“The baby wants to come out”, Mickey said and shrugged.  
Ian sat up immediately, “What? The baby is coming?”

“Yes”, Tami growled annoyed and leaned against a wall, while Lip ran around her and got their stuff together.  
“Oh, shit, should we come with you?”  
“Why would we? Do you want to watch?”, Mickey asked.  
“Shht, it’s about my nephew getting born, Mick.”  
“You were dead tired a minute ago.”  
“For fucks sake, Lip hurry up!”, Tami yelled, Lip came running from the kitchen to the living room.  
“Just come to the hospital later, bring the others, I’ll call you when he’s there”, Lip rambled while grinning from ear to ear and leading Tami outside to the car.

“He’s so excited to be a dad”, Ian said smiling.  
Mickey rolled his eyes, “Lie back down if you go anywhere now, you’re gonna pass out in the hospital later, some med student will think you’re dead and bring you to the morgue and when you wake up again you’re gonna give someone a heart attack.”

Ian frowned at him but lay back down with his head on Mickey’s chest.  
“It once happened to my cousin.”, Mickey informed him.  
“Your cousin passed out in the hospital and they thought he was dead?”  
Mickey nodded, “We were visiting my aunt in hospital, he passed put and because of all the drugs he had taken before the med student wasn’t able to detect a heartbeat anymore. It was mad funny.”

“Sure, funny”, Ian mumbled, “Wait, is that why you call that one cousin of yours ‘corpse’?”  
“Yes. He tells everyone he has that nickname because he once found a corpse as a kid, which does sound far more badass.”  
“Your family is so messed up.”  
“Yours ain’t that much better, no matter how many people you add to it.”

Ian smiled and snuggled against him again, He was nice and warm and always smelled so good, Ian would gladly spend the rest of his life in this position.

The whole Gallagher family later went to the hospital to visit the baby. It was a tiny, healthy baby boy they named “Freddie” – as far as Mickey understood, it was the name of some dead professor Lip had at college.

Ian was thrilled about his new nephew, the entire family was but Mickey only paid real attention to his husband. Also, because he knew that this meant Ian would force him to actually commit to plans about their future family.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

**May**

Ian and Mickey’s first wedding anniversary rolled around. They both wanted to do something special, but they were on a budget. Because of Baby Freddie, no one in the house had slept properly for two months. But Mickey had to admit that he was kinda cute though.

For their anniversary both settled on “alone time” as the perfect gift for each other. They went to Fiona’s old diner, the sister had left in September last year. It wasn’t the fanciest place they could have chosen but there were only five other guests around and both enjoyed that very much.

“So, Tami and Lip are fighting about where to live with Freddie.”, Ian said.  
“Aren’t they fighting about that ever since she got pregnant?”  
“Yeah, but they only had the option of our cramped up house or the tiny place she shared with her brother and aunt or something, I don’t know.”  
“So, why are we talking about that, is that really the best topic you could have chosen.”  
“I’m not finished yet”, he smiled, “Apparently some of Tamis relatives died and left a house in Milwaukee.”  
“Please tell me they’re all moving to Milwaukee.”

Ian chuckled, “No. Tami wanted that. That’s what they’ve been fighting about. “  
Mickey shrugged, “Yeah, I don’t listen to it anymore, I don’t even make a difference between the baby, Tami and Lip screaming. It’s all just noise.”  
Ian nodded, “However, they now agreed that some other family members of Tami will move to Milwaukee and in exchange Lip and Tami get their house for themselves.”

Mickey looked at Ian with raised eyebrows, “I’ve literally never seen one of her relatives, how does she have so many? Anyways – they’re moving out?”  
“Yeah.”  
“Jesus Christ, finally.”  
“Finally? It’s been two months”, Ian laughed, “And it’s not our house.”

“I’m guessing Frank is gonna call dibs on that room, huh?”  
Ian shrugged, “It would be better if poor Franny would get it, so she doesn’t have to sleep in her mom’s bedroom anymore.”  
Mickey smirked, “See, good thing we’re waiting with the whole kid's thing until we actually have space and money for it.”

After Mickey said that, ate a bite and looked at his husband again he noticed he walked right into a trap. Ian was grinning in the “let’s talk about the future” way Mickey found very annoying. Of course, it was a trap! Ian wouldn’t start talking about Lip and Tami randomly at their anniversary dinner when they just tried to get a break from the madness of their house.

“It’s funny that you mention that”, Ian said and Mickey rolled his eyes, “I was thinking about the having children topic too.”  
“Of course you were.”, Mickey sighed.  
“You still do want to have kids with me, right?”, Ian asked.  
“Yeah”, Mickey said reassuringly, “We’re gonna have a kid at some point, but when we have space for it and enough money.”

“Yeah, yeah, but it is a fact that we can only get a child through adoption and if we want to adopt a baby we should act accordingly soon because it could take a long time before we actually can adopt one.”  
“How do you mean ‘soon’?”, Mickey asked.  
“Soon”, Ian repeated and shrugged, “We could start getting in touch with the social workers… now.”  
“Now?”, Mickey asked surprised. Ian bit his lip and nodded.

They sat in silence for a while, Ian was waiting for Mickey to say something and Mickey hoped he didn’t have to. Now was pretty soon.

“Mick…”  
“Wouldn’t we have better chances to actually be considered as adoptive parents things if we already had our own place? I mean… I have a pretty long juvie record and you got a mental illness, they won’t just hand every random kid we want to us.”  
“Exactly that’s the reason why I want us to speak with someone about it soon. There will be enough bumps in the road from that point onwards so… let’s start early.”

Mickey bit his lip and then took a big bite from his food so he had enough time to think about an answer.

Ian sighed loudly, “Mick, even if we go to the social workers now, we won’t have a child for another two or three years, I guess. In case it’s all going to fast now.”

Mickey drank something sighed as well, he looked at him conflicted, “Look, theoretically it’s a great idea. But we don’t know how long it would take and by the time they have a child available for us maybe we won’t be ready yet, then they give it to someone else, or we take it and mess up and that was the last opportunity.”

“Why do you always have to be a pessimist?”  
“Did anything in our life ever went the way we wanted it at the first try? From starting a proper relationship to getting married it always took at least two runs before we figured it out. We don’t get a test run for a baby. Can we at least wait with starting the new project until we finished the moving out part?”

Ian looked at his plate sadly, “I know you’re right”, he said, “I just really want to start a family with you and have children.”  
“I know”, Mickey said, he reached over the table and took his husband's hand, “I know. But you also live in a fantasy about it, to be honest.”

Ian looked at him confused.  
“We’re not Lip and Tami. Lip took a few months off work to take care of Fred and after that, he has the option of taking Freddie to work with him so he can watch him. They’re both home at reasonable hours. You and I work in shifts at jobs where we really can’t bring a baby with us and as far as I know, neither of us has long paid paternity leave. Most of your siblings have to work, can’t take care of our child either. What would be the point in having a child right now when neither of us gets to see it?”

“So… one of us has to get another job without nightshifts and then we’re paying for day-care. Also, I’m sure my siblings wouldn’t mind helping out. We always help them out with Freddie and Franny.”  
“Day-care is expensive. And we both know you’re not quitting being an EMT, but the chance that anyone will hire my lazy ass is around zero, that it is a job that will enable us to pay for day-care? Less than zero.”

Ian gnawed on his bottom lip.  
“You really think so?”  
Mickey nodded, “And when we’re doing this, being fathers and all that shit, I want to do it right. No half-assed thing that will ruin some poor kid’s life. We’ll figure something out, but until we did, we can’t run to a social worker and demand a child, they’ll think we’re crazy.”

Ian squeezed Mickey’s hand and nodded.  
“When did you become the reasonable one out of the two of us?”  
“I’ve always been, Gallagher. You’ve always been headfirst through the wall ‘everything’s gonna work out’ since I met you. Married you for that reason”, he said and winked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this is shorter and feel slike a filler thing ... well, it is. Sorry. But the actual topic and themes that are coming now have to start off in their own chapter and not as ending thing to this


	19. Amy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This Chapter is dedicated to a little boy named Kevin from Bremen who was born on 23. January 2004 and died in 2006. In Germany, he is also known as "The child in the fridge" I would recommend a Podcast about this case, but it's German. If you want to know more I wrote about what happened to him at the Ending Chapter Notes. But It is very tough. 
> 
> In this chapter, I describe a behaviour called "silent crying" the child that exhibits this behaviour here is probably too young to exhibit it, but you can live with it.

**September**

Mickey had worked the previous night, finishing a double shift, stayed up with his boyfriend until his shift started in the morning and planned to sleep until at least four in the afternoon . He had told Ian so, who had promised to leave him alone when he would come back from work around two, so he could sleep. So, Mickey was understandably annoyed when he was shaken awake by his husband at not even two-thirty.

“Mick, wake up, wake up, it’s important.”  
“The fuck do you want?”  
“Something happened.”  
“What?”, he asked sleepily, he noticed Ian sounded nervous, “Did someone die?”  
“No”  
“Then it can wait”, he turned around and pulled his blanket up to his chin.

“It definitely can’t wait. Mick, get up, get dressed, get down, it’s really important…”, Mickey just groaned, “It’s about Mandy.”  
Mickey was wide awake in a split second, he sat up.  
“Mandy? Is she here?”  
Ian bit his bottom lip and shook his head, “No. But it has something to do with her… I – I can’t explain it, just get dressed in something decent and come down. Please”, he put his hand on Mickey’s wrist to show that it really was a serious matter of great importance to him. Mickey nodded.

Ian went downstairs again. Mickey quickly washed up and put on some decent clothes.  
He walked down the stairs to the living room with caution. On the couch sat Ian with a woman in her forties, she looked up when she noticed him and stood up.

“You must be Mr Milkovich, am I correct?”, she said and reached out her hand. Mickey shook it confused.  
“It’s Gallagher now, I got married.”, he said and looked over to his husband.

“My name is Portia Moss, I’m with social services.”  
“Social services?”, Mickey asked and looked at Ian again. Did Ian initiate a meeting with a social worker without telling him? But Ian just pointed at himself and shook his head.

“Shall we sit?”, Mrs Moss asked and went back to the couch. Mickey followed her and wanted to sit down next to Ian when he noticed her: A baby lay in her baby car seat, which stood on their coffee table, she was sleeping, dressed in a pink onesie, only a few think black hairs were on her head. She had a name tag on her onesie that read “Lucy”

“Mick sit down”, Ian said calmly and took his first. Mickey sat down while still staring at the baby. Then he looked at the social worker and Ian.

“This is Lucy”, Mrs Moss said with a smile, “One month ago, firefighters found her in front of their station house in Dallas with a note and formal documents pinned to her stroller. According to those documents her name is Lucy Milkovich, daughter of an Amanda Milkovich”, she said while taking a file from the coffee table, “As far as I understood, she is your sister?”, she asked Mickey.

“Mandy? You know where Mandy is?”  
“The social workers in Dallas of course tried to contact her to get information about the father, but they seemed to have packed up their things and left the night Lucy was found.”  
“Mick, didn’t you listen, Lucy is Mandy’s daughter”, Ian said to him.

“She is and in her note, your sister clearly states that she wants you and Ian Gallagher to take care of her.”  
“Can I see that note?”  
The social worker handed him the note.

Mickey took it carefully. It was definitely his sister's handwriting. Her hand must have shaken terribly when she had written this:

_3 rd of August  
Dear Finder,  
This is my daughter Lucy. I love her terribly much and it breaks my heart to leave her, but I can’t take proper care of her and I can’t protect her. She needs medical attention badly. Please bring her to a hospital and to the social workers. I don’t deserve her, she’s the purest little angle on this world and if she stays with me she will die. I beg the social workers, please keep her safe and bring her to Chicago, Illinois. My brother Mikhailo Milkovich will take care of her, she will be safe with him, I can’t bring her to him myself. Please let Mikhailo adopt her, she will have a good life with him and Ian Gallagher. I will always love my little angel, and because of that I have to do what’s best for her and give her away, but I need to make sure she is in good hands, please bring her into the care of:  
Mikhailo Aleksander Milkovich  
Ian Clayton Gallagher  
2119 South Wallace, Chicago IL_

_Thank you,  
Mandy Milkovich_

Mickey scratched his arm nervously.  
“So… Mandy wants us to adopt her daughter?”  
“Yes,” Mrs Moss nodded. Ian took Mickey’s hand.  
“And you would just leave her in our care?”

“Well, it’s of course not as easy as your sister seemed to think. At first, you will have to tell me if you consent to take responsibility for her. Then I will have a walk through the house and I need information about your families and everyone else residing in this house so far. Since you are Lucy’s next of kin I can leave her with you if I think you can handle it. I will come by unannounced a few times to see how you’re doing and then you will be able to apply for custody and adoption if you wish and if we think you’re fit. But we’re far away from those things right now.”

“We definitely consent to take responsibility for her, right Mick? We’ll take care of her.”  
Mickey was looking at the child, she was very small, Mickey couldn’t tell how old she was. Ian squeezed his hand, Mickey looked up.  
“Yes, of course, we do… how old is she?”

Mrs Moss shifted in her seat uncomfortably, “Six months, she was born in March.”  
“Six months? She looks so tiny”, Mickey mumbled. Did Mandy smoke during the pregnancy or something?

Mrs Moss sighed, I have to inform you about Lucy’s condition when she was found.”  
“Condition?”, Ian asked confused.  
Mrs Moss pulled out another paper from the file.

“When she was brought to the hospital, she got the diagnosis: Multiple traumatic fractures, child abuse, a developmental disorder. Both lower leg bones, tibia and fibula, were broken, rip fractures on the ninth and tenth rip of older date, forearm fracture, and skull fractures. She has bald spots on the back of the head, which is a sign that the baby never got to move a lot but was just lying quietly in her bed. The motoric skills are not on the level of a six-month-old, but on the level of a three-month-old child. She is too thin and small for her age, and she shows behaviour that is typically found in abused children – she cries silently. When she is hungry or in pain she cries but she doesn’t scream like any other baby would to get attention. She doesn’t seem to know what toys are or what to do with them.”

Mrs Moss made a pause. Mickey was staring at the baby, Ian’s hand around Mickey’s got tighter with every word that had been said.

“Lucy needs a stable family that loves her and takes care of her. But she is a special needs child, and it won’t be easy, although you will have access to resources by the DCFS.”  
“Can she be okay again?”, Mickey asked, “If we take care of her and work with her on the motoric skills or whatever – does she have a chance to catch up with her peers?”  
“I’m not a doctor, I can’t answer this question. But she was removed from the family relatively early, that’s a good thing. If you decide to take care of her you will have to see a paediatrician within the next five days and I will give you the contact information of workers that are specially trained in working with children with developmental disorders.”

Ian looked at Mickey, he pressed his lips together and clasped both hands around Mickey’s hand.

“Do you consent to take her in? If you do, you will be able to change your mind later.”  
Mickey looked briefly at Ian and then to the social worker, “Of course we do.”  
Ian smiled and nodded, he looked to Mrs Moss as well, “We’ll take care of her. She’ll be fine with us.”

Mrs Moss seemed visibly relieved.  
“Good, I’m glad to hear that. It will be the best thing for Lucy. I have to ask some further questions. Are you both working?”  
“Yes, I’m an EMT and Mickey works at a Security Company.”  
Mrs Moss hummed and stopped, “Are you both working in shifts?”, she asked.  
Ian licked his bottom lip nervously, “Yes”

“But we can figure something out. Our shifts are usually not at the same time”, Mickey said quickly, “I can take my vacation as soon as possible and stay with Lucy at home. And Ian’s siblings are living here too, they can babysit if we do work at the same time.”

“How many people are living here?”  
Ian cleared his throat, “Uhm, three of my siblings, my niece and my dad are currently living here. But that at least means we have access to baby things like beds and clothes.”  
Mrs Moss nodded. She asked a few more questions about money and their social circles.

Then Mrs Moss made a walkthrough, she looked into every room, especially looked through Ian and Mickey’s bedroom and asked them where they would place things like a bed and a changing table.

She gave them the contact info of a paediatrician, made them aware of how to care for Lucy’s injuries and left shortly after.

Ian let out a deep breath, then looked at the baby again. He walked over to the table and carefully picked up Lucy out of her car seat. Mickey smiled at them.  
“Can you imagine someone would hurt this little thing on purpose?”, Ian whispered and sat down on the couch.  
“No”, Mickey mumbled, “I’m gonna call my boss and ask him if I can take some time off.”  
“Yeah, I’ll do the same.”, Ian whispered, “She’s so cute.”

Both quickly called their workplaces. But it was sure pretty quickly that they wouldn’t be able to take their vacation so soon. Ian always had to plan his vacation at the beginning of the year. Mickey could take his vacation in two weeks, earliest.

Mickey sat down next to Ian and the baby.  
“There’s nothing I can do about it, in two weeks I can take my vacation, before that, not a chance. And I only have a few sick days left, because I took them when you had that short episode in June when your meds were unbalanced.”  
Ian nodded, “I don’t have any sick days left either.”

“And what are we supposed to do with those two weeks? We can’t call Mrs Moss and say they have to wait for two weeks, and what about after that vacation time?”  
“Stay calm”, Mickey said and put his hand on Ian’s shoulder, “I had nightshift, so I’m done for today and tomorrow and the day after tomorrow I’m off work and if you switch your shifts you could take off the two days after that and, honestly, what are your siblings for? I’m sure we can ask them to watch her for the few hours we’re really both at work. Our days are not divided into shifts the same way.”

Ian nodded, he looked at his husband and smiled, “This is not really how I imagined us getting a child.”  
Mickey nodded, he gently touched the girl’s little arm, it was thin as a stick, Freddie was a cute little ball with all his baby fat, this girl had gone through hell.

“I’ll call that doctor and ask for an appointment. Does our insurance from work cover this?”  
“Mine covers any kind of doctors appointments, paediatricians too.”  
Mickey nodded, picked up the information Mrs Moss had given them and called the paediatrician’s office.

When he came back, he was nervously pacing through the room.  
“You are aware that we have nothing here, right? Lip took Franny’s old baby bed and changing table and stroller and all that. Also, we need to buy stuff like formula and diapers for her. Shit, why don’t babies come with instruction manuals?”  
Ian smiled at him, “We can ask Lip and Tammi to lend us some things for today, then we make a list of everything we need and go shopping tomorrow. We saved all that money for the apartment, but… I guess we will have to stay here now for her.”

Mickey nodded, he looked down at the baby, on the coffee table lay a copy of the birth certificate, some papers from the social workers and the doctor's diagnosis and list of all of Lucy’s injuries. He was mentally going through all of her injuries. She was only six months old and almost every bone had been broken in her tiny body.

And if this baby’s body looked like this… what did Mandy look like?

The worst images and thoughts of his sister beaten blue and bloody shot into his head. He had to prop himself up on the couch, to not fall over from the sudden dizziness he felt from the images.

“Mick, are you okay?”  
Mickey bit his lip, “I have to go to Dallas. I have to find and help Mandy, can you imagine what that dude is doing to her when this is what he did to a baby? I have to get her out of there!”, he pushed himself away from the couch and headed for the stairs.

“Mick, wait”, Ian said and stood up, “Come here.”  
Mickey bit his bottom lip and slowly walked back to him.  
“I know you want to protect Mandy and you’re right, she’s probably going through a lot of shit right now. But Mrs Moss said they’re not in Dallas anymore. And you don’t have time to look for her right now. Look”, he held the baby up and handed her over to Mickey.

Mickey took her hesitantly, looking at her as if he was afraid he could break her by holding her wrongly.  
“She needs us now. Mandy made a choice. She could have gotten help for herself and the baby. She didn’t, she got help for the baby. She wants us to take care of Lucy for her. She’s probably going through hell right now, yes, but she is going through it while she relies on us to take care of Lucy. The only way we can help Mandy is to help Lucy. We’ll care for her, we’ll adopt her and raise her, she’ll be our daughter and she will never be in pain again. That’s what Mandy wants. Mandy doesn’t ask you to come and look for her, she asks you to look out for her baby. So we’ll do that, yeah?”

Mickey looked up at him into his gentle eyes that were able to calm him down. Mickey looked down at the baby again, who was moving a bit in his arms and then slowly opened her baby blue eyes. She looked up at Mickey with big marble eyes and then looked around until she found Ian. She took some deep breaths and then started crying.

Now Ian and Mickey witnessed what Mrs Moss had meant with silent crying: Her face was twisted, her eyes squinted shut, even her mouth opened, her body tensed up and tears rolled down her red cheeks – but almost no sound. There was a faint whimper, but no screaming and crying as they knew it from Freddie or Franny. Mickey sat down on the couch with Lucy and softly rocked her in his arm.

“Shht, it’s okay Lucy. We won’t hurt you.”  
Ian smiled at them, he sat down next to Mickey and stroked over the girl’s cheek.  
“We are your new dads, Lucy, everything will be okay. I’ll call your uncle Lip now, if he can bring over some things for you and tell the rest about you, they will all be excited about you.”

Ian kissed Mickey’s cheek and took his phone. He decided to send a text into his family group chat first. While Mickey tried to calm the baby down.

 **Ian:** This might come a bit sudden but… today a social worker came by. I will tell you the details later, but Mandy has a daughter. She gave her into the care of the social workers and wants Mickey and me to adopt and care for her. She’s staying with us at the house as of today and we will see how it goes. Please be quiet when you come home later

“I think we should change her name”, Mickey said when Ian wanted to call Lip.  
“Change her name?”  
Mickey nodded, “I’m just thinking… her name was Lucy when all of this happened to her. I’m not a psychologist, but the name Lucy is connected to that time of her life. But that is over now.”

Ian smiled, “You’re right. That time is over. She’ll be with us now and be healthy and happy. She should be called Gallagher anyways after all is she our daughter now.”  
Mickey smiled and nodded, “What name should we give you, huh?”, he asked the baby that was still crying, “You should have some bad-ass name like Lilith.”  
“Isn’t that a demon?”  
“Mother of demons who flipped off Adam and God.”  
“I like the origin story but… let’s not give her a demon name.”  
“Medusa?”  
“Mick…”  
“What? I don’t think the Greeks had demons.”  
“You would really call your daughter Medusa?”

Mickey looked at the baby, “I think it’s badass. What about Raven? I would totally name my child Raven. She would be the boss of the first grade with that name.”  
“Yeah, no.”  
“Then Harley.”  
“Harley as in the bike or Joker’s wife?”  
Mickey shrugged “Both.”

“How about we give her a name that is badass and, you know, normal.”  
Mickey rolled his eyes, “You’re no fun. So what do you suggest?”  
Ian shrugged, “Monica?”  
“Monica? You think naming her after your mother would be better than calling her Raven-Lilith Gallagher?”  
“Yes, I do. But okay, then not Monica. Rose?”  
“No flower names.”  
“Emma?”  
“Could any name be more dull?”  
“What about Amy. I always loved the name, Amy.”

Mickey looked from Ian to the baby and smiled, “You know what, let’s call her Amanda.”  
“Amanda, like Mandy?”  
“Yes. I believe Mandy that she loves her a lot and giving her up wasn’t easy for her, she should have her name. But we’ll call her Amy for short, not Mandy.”

Ian smiled, “I love that.”, he kissed his cheek and then leaned down to the baby, gently stroking over her cheek again.  
“You’re Amy, now, little Amy Gallagher and you will be happy with us. I promise.”  
“Now, call your brother, I start to think that she’s hungry.”

Ian nodded and took his phone. He quickly called Lip, who answered excitedly, asking if the story of the baby was true. He agreed to come over and bring some of Freddie’s diapers and formula for them since the children were about the same age (according to the birth certificate they had, Amy was actually just four days younger than Freddie)

Lip and Tami came through the door with Freddie on Tami’s arm and a bag with supplies around fifteen minutes later.  
“Hi”, he said and gave Ian the bag, “We came as fast as possible.”  
Tami sat down in the armchair and looked weirdly at Amy. Lip went into the kitchen with Ian to help him prep a bottle for Amy (he was so nice to bring two bottles as well)

When they came back, Mickey handed Amy over to Ian.  
“She’s silent”, Tami said, “She’s crying but she is silent. That’s weird.”  
Lip looked at Amy and frowned now noticing too, that she was behaving unusually.

“We’ll explain that later when everyone is here.”, Ian mumbled and started feeding the baby, Amy was sucking on the bottle while staring up at Ian with her big eyes.  
“So, what’s her name?”  
“Amy”, Mickey said.

“She’s adorable.”  
“Didn’t you say she’s Fred’s age? She looks like she’s only three months old.”, Tami said.  
“Not all babies are the same, Tami.”, Mickey said harshly.  
“I just mean, that three-month-old kids need different things than six-month-olds.”  
“She is six months old. We only have her for an hour, but we can remember how old she is.”

“Don’t worry”, Lip said to his brother, “I brought you some diapers that are already too small for Fred too.”  
“Thank you. Mick and I will go shopping tomorrow and get our own stuff for Amy, but it’s all a lot at once.”  
Lip nodded knowingly, “If you want I can come with you, it can be complicated figuring out what kid needs what in the beginning.”  
“Thanks, that would be great. And I hope Debbie still has some of Franny’s old clothes that Amy can have.”  
“If you don’t mind dressing her in blue onesies with cars you can also have some of Fred’s old clothes.”

Tami seemed annoyed while watching them from the armchair. Freddie was babbling about something while playing with a car toy in his hand.  
“And the social worker just came by unannounced today?”, Lip asked.  
“She said she sent letters to us before, but you know this place and mail”, he shrugged, “And she said she called, spoke with a boy, I assume Liam or Carl, who said we’re living here. Then she came by. I guess whoever took the call forgot to tell us.

“It’s crazy”, Lip mumbled, “When was the last time you heard of Mandy?”  
“Five years ago, when she moved.”, Mickey said.  
“Wow and now this… did you have direct contact with her?”  
“No, she only wrote a letter”, Ian said.

“So this Mandy”, Tami said from the armchair, “Is the girl’s mother, yeah?”  
“Yes.”  
“And she was your little sister, right?”, she asked Mickey, who nodded, “And your ex?”  
Lip looked guiltily at the child and then turned around to his girlfriend with a smile, “Actually, Ian and I both dated her, but she was just Ian’s Alibi-girlfriend when he was fifteen.”, he grinned, “It was all ages ago.” 

Mickey ignored them and just watched his boyfriend feeding the baby. She really was hungry. Lip was quick with advice and tips while he watched his brother and brother in law taking care of the new family member excitedly. Tami didn’t say anything, at some point she went to the other room with Fred.

One after the other the rest of the Gallagher’s came home in the late afternoon. They were all gushing over the baby. Tami then came back to the living room when Ian and Mickey were about to tell them some details about Amy. Amy must have been surrounded by strangers a lot during the last days, since remained calmer than Ian and Mickey expected when all those new people kept coming in. When they got too close, she started whimpering. Ian and Mickey had put her into a baby blanket that used to belong to Franny, Debbie had gotten it from the attic immediately when she came home.

Sandy was leaned against the back of the couch and played with Amy’s little feet, “I call title for favourite aunt”  
“You aren’t even her aunt, Milk”, Carl said, “You’re not Mickey’s sister.”  
“So? Half of you probably ain’t your dad’s children, do you hear me crying about it? Hm, Amy, I’m your favourite aunt, right? Aunt Sandy.”

“I wouldn’t be so loud about it, the favourite aunt always has to babysit.”, Mickey smirked.  
“Sorry, no time. No babies at the tattoo studio. The dudes might confuse her with the practice-pig-skin and tattoo Bart Simpson presenting his bare ass on her forehead.”

“So how come that she is suddenly with you, anyway?”, Debbie asked, “And what is going on with Mandy?”  
Ian and Mickey exchanged a look.

Mickey cleared his throat, “We don’t know exactly what is going on with Mandy. We just know that she had Amy in March, gave her away a month ago and wants us to take care of her.”  
“In March?”, Debbie asked and looked at the baby again, “She looks a lot younger than that.”  
Mickey licked his bottom lip and ran his hand over Amy’s head.

Ian took a deep breath, “You’re right. She looks younger, she behaves younger… she’s not as developed as children her age should be. But Mickey made an appointment with a paediatrician tomorrow.”  
“And why is she like that?”, Lip asked concerned.  
Ian briefly looked at Mickey.

“Because she wasn’t properly taken care of”, Mickey said and planned to keep it this general.  
“What’s that supposed to mean?”, Tami asked. But Sandy had a knowing look on her face.  
“Was she hit?”, Sandy asked and the rest of the family looked at her surprised, how could she even ask that? Who would do that to a baby?

“Yes”, Mickey said to her, he didn’t look at the rest of the Gallagher’s, “Pretty badly.”  
“Broken or just bruised?”  
“Broken. Legs, arm. Skull-fracture.”

“Oh god, who would do that to a baby?”, Debbie whispered.  
“I bet it was that fucking boyfriend Mandy left with”, Lip said, “She should have never gone with him.”  
“Yeah, and whose fault is that?”, Mickey said sharply.  
“Guys, no fighting in front of the baby”, Ian said, “What’s for dinner today?”

Debbie shrugged, “I’ll go look what we have.”  
She and Sandy left the room, Franny followed them, Liam went to the kitchen too to do his homework.  
“Mick, Lip, could you come upstairs with me?”

Ian stood up from the couch with Amy on his arm and the two men followed him upstairs.  
They went into Mickey and Ian’s bedroom, where Ian placed Amy on a pillow. He turned around to his husband and brother and crossed his arms in front of his chest.

“No more fighting about Mandy.”, he stated, “The only one at fault is that Zach. Okay? You can’t start fighting about that now.”  
“He started it.”  
“Mick, no more.”  
Mickey crossed his arms and looked away like an angry toddler.

“Lip, we’re thankful for your help with Amy.”  
“Yeah, no problem. But-“, he turned to Mickey, “Don’t you think that I blame myself for this too? We all know what kind of guy Zach was and I know damn well that she only dated him and left with him because of me.”  
“If you blame yourself, you got a funny way of showing that by fucking every girl in the southside and never even asking about her.”  
“Maybe I didn’t ask about her because I knew you would react like this, blame me and then possibly also punching me in the face.”  
Mickey turned to him, “Yeah, maybe that’s exactly what I want to do-“  
“Mick, whoa”, Ian took him by the arm and pulled him to him, to the other side of the room, “No. Not in front of the baby, not ever. Can the two of you please concentrate? This isn’t the right time to pick a fight. Mickey, sit down, play with Amy.”

Mickey opened his mouth to say something, but the look on his husbands face, made him just roll his eyes and sit down on the bed quietly. He scooted closer to Amy so she could see him and let her put her tiny hand around his finger.

“We have a bit of money saved that we wanted to use for the apartment, we want to spend it on baby things now.”, Ian said to his brother, “We need to make a lost of all the things we need.”  
“Well, a bed would be good.”

Ian took out his phone to note this down, “Yes, I was smart enough for a bed and stuff like that too, I just don’t want to forget anything. Bed, changing mat, diapers, formula, pacifier…”  
“Why do you need a pacifier, she doesn’t scream anyways.”  
“To calm her down”, Ian shrugged.  
Lip nodded, “You need a stroller and clothes, of course, blankets, hats… you need space in this room, to be honest.”  
“We’ll figure it out”, Ian shrugged.

Ian sighed and looked at Mickey, who was playing with the baby’s hands, “Okay, so, Mickey when is that doctor’s appointment tomorrow? Just so we can plan when we do what. Because we need to go shopping tomorrow and get all the things we need.”  
“Last time I checked, the day has 24 hours, Gallagher, I’m sure we’ll make a doctor’s appointment and go buy a baby bed and diapers.”

“You really got a doctor’s appointment for her for tomorrow already?”, Lip asked, “How did you get one so quickly?”  
Ian shrugged and looked at Mickey.  
“Well, the social worker called the paediatrician’s office beforehand and told them that we’re supposed to get back to them because if we didn’t they would’ve had to report back to them. So they kept a slot open for us already. That is tomorrow at two.”

“At two?”, Ian asked, “But, mickey, I have a late shift tomorrow.”  
“So? That doesn’t start until-“  
“No, it starts at two. They changed the way they divide the day into shifts weeks ago, I told you about that. We’re living with the new shifts for weeks, did you not notice that?”  
“I don’t know, I’m just waiting for you to come home, I don’t track when to the exact minute.”  
“Actually, I came home early because of it.”  
“Oh, yeah, right. That’s good I like that.”  
Ian smiled at him and shook his head.

“Great, so when does your shift start?”  
“At two.”  
“That’s not fucking good… so I guess Amy and I are gonna go alone to the paediatrician.”  
Ian bit his lip, “Can you handle that alone? Maybe Debbie can come with you or Lip, right Lip?”  
“No, no, it’s okay. I can do it alone, it’s fine. I mean I’ll just go there, I’m gonna ask all the questions that are giving me an existential crisis right now, maybe note some things done in case you don’t believe me and, uhm, seem like a responsible parent. You just have to remind me of all the things I have to take with me.”

“My advice would be to just take the file with you… and the baby.”  
“I’m supposed to take the child with me to the child doctor? Jeez, Gallagher, good you said.”  
“Good, then just mind the file. We probably shouldn’t misplace that.”  
“Oh, then keep it away from Carl”, Lip said, “Or he uses it as papers to roll up his joints.”  
“Good tip”, Ian nodded.

“Okay, the paediatrician’s at two, then we’re going shopping before that.”  
“Well, I have Freddie, other than that, I’m completely free. So, at ten or at nine? We have to hit different stores… Do you want to get everything new or do you want to get it second hand or get it, you know… the _Milkovich-way_?”

Mickey looked at him, “Did you just call _stealing_ the _Milkovich way_?”  
Lip shrugged, “Well, you’re the Milkovich and you knew immediately what I meant, so…”  
“ _Former_ Milkovich”, Mickey insisted.  
“Okay”

“We’re not gonna steal anything”, Ian interrupted them, “We saved all that money to move out. I went for a year without proper dates and minimum presents for Christmas, Valentine’s day and anniversary. For that, we can at least get Amy some nice, new things.”

“Aw, you want to spoil her already with expensive shit?”, Lip asked, “I wouldn’t do that. She’s gonna grow out of those things faster than you’ll be able to realise… even though she doesn’t really seem to grow other kids her age do… She’s- she’s gonna catch up though, right?”

Ian bit his lip nervously, “We aren’t sure”, he admitted , “Mick, that’s something you gonna ask tomorrow, right?”  
“Yeah, of course, it’s the first thing on my list.”  
“Okay”, Lip sighed, “But you don’t need to spoil her now already. I mean, get her nice things, sure. If you get her a good bed now, you might be able to keep it for the next few generations of Gallagher’s, I mean, Freddie’s play pan held all of us and Franny. Also if it’s good enough she might be able to sleep in one bed for the next few years, use it as toddler bed too… yeah, shit we got all of the old stuff for Freddie.”

Mickey nodded, “If money gets tight, I have some scams up my sleeve that are easily executed. Then we can get little Amy the best of everything, right?”, he grinned down at Amy.  
“Mick, no scams. We are responsible for a baby now, no illegal things.”  
“It’s not illegal if they don’t catch me.”  
“That’s – that’s not how laws work, Mick, at all.”  
Mickey shrugged.

“Whatever, Thanks for your help, Lip. So, tomorrow at ten?”  
“Yeah, sure, I’ll just come by with Freddie in the morning and then we can go together.”  
“Wait, altogether?”, Mickey asked, “Do I have to come with you?”  
“Mickey, we’re talking about getting stuff for _our_ daughter.”  
“Yeah, sure, but is it really necessary that three adults with two babies go to the store to buy things? Three men at that? We’re gonna look ridiculous.”  
“Mickey, you will come with us to pick out the furniture and yes we will take both children. And it’s gonna be good. Yeah?”

Mickey rolled his eyes and mumbled something.  
“I think that was a ‘yes everything you want’.”  
Mickey looked at Amy holding his finger tightly in her tiny hand, “Hm, do you want to go shopping tomorrow? No, I don’t think you do”, he looked at his husband, “She doesn’t.”  
“She doesn’t make enough noise for you to act like you’re translating her.”  
“We’re already very close we have a telepathic bond.”  
Ian smiled at Mickey lovingly, who picked up the baby, lay down on the pillows and placed Amy on him, so her tiny head rested on his chest.

“Okay, I guess that’s my cue to leave. I go check on what’s dinner and Freddie are doing. Do you want me to tell you when food’s ready, or…”  
“No, thanks, we’ll get some dinner later when the rest of them are gone.”  
Lip nodded and left the room.

Ian crawled on the bed and lay down next to Mickey, he stroked over Amy’s back.  
“So, what now? Are we putting her to bed already? We don’t have anything here to keep her busy, she can’t just lie there quietly for hours.”  
“I’m sure she can. But she shouldn’t.”, Mickey mumbled, “Hm, Amy, you can make noises, you know, we won’t hit you if you do.”  
Amy just stared at Ian with her big eyes that looked way to big in her tiny round face.

“I don’t think it’s working like that.”  
“Sure it is”, Mickey said, “We just need to keep encouraging her.”  
Ian smiled at him, “So, I guess we’re gonna play and talk with her, then she’s gonna need a diaper change and then we can put her to sleep. And then we can go eat something.”  
Mickey nodded and looked down at the baby concerned. She carefully closed her little fist around a piece of fabric from Mickey’s shirt.

“The other babies, Freddie and Franny, they always woke up ten times a night and screamed… if Amy doesn’t scream… how do we know she needs something at night?”  
“Oh”, Ian mumbled and bit his bottom lip, “I guess we will just have to get up at night and check if she is alright. Tonight she will have to sleep in our bed anyway, maybe we’ll wake up when she’s upset.”

“I don’t think so, we grew up with police sirens howling through the streets every night, man. If she doesn’t cry for help, we won’t notice.”  
Ian nodded, “Okay, then we’ll set an alarm, wake up every… I don’t know, four hours and check if she needs something.”  
Mickey sighed, “We should have called her sleep-stealer. That’s actually a very bad-ass name-“  
“Mick, we’re not gonna call her sleep-stealer. She’s supposed to steal our sleep, we should encourage her screaming her tiny lungs out when she needs something.”

Mickey ran his hand over Amy’s tiny head, Ian smiled at them, they looked so cute, how the baby was lying on Mickey’s chest and held on to his shirt, Mickey looked quite peaceful like this, he probably wouldn’t even mind, if Amy tore a hole into the shirt.  
“Where are we supposed to put all of her stuff?”, Ian asked, “Where are we supposed to put a bed and a changing table?”  
Mickey shrugged, “If we push our bed closer to that wall over there, we can put a bed for her between the bed and the dresser on my side.”

Ian looked over Mickey to the narrow space between the bed and the dresser, if they threw out Ian’s bedside table they would be able to push the bed all the way to the wall and have more space on the other side… but then he would wake up Mickey whenever he left the bed or came home after a late shift.

“I guess it’s the only option for now”, Ian mumbled, “Changing table?”  
Mickey shrugged, “I don’t even know where we’re supposed to keep diapers in this room. Maybe we can make space on the dresser, then it’s almost like a changing table.”  
“And where are we supposed to put the stuff that’s standing there?”  
“I don’t know, the trash? Then we’ll put some of our clothes together to get one of those drawers empty for baby clothes. Stop panicking, Gallagher, you were bugging me with wanting to have children for months, you’re not fooling me, you already daydreamed this shit up a bunch of times, you’ve got plans.”

Ian smiled cheekily, “But since you’re the one who can tell me straight away where to put what, I say you did the same. Even more so than I did.”  
“Nah, I’m just resourceful. You need money, I can come up with a scam in an hour, we unexpectantly have a baby, I’ll make space for her. I’m not doing the daydreaming lovey-dovey shit.”  
Ian grinned and kissed his cheek, “Of course not, big, bad Mickey Milkovich.”  
Mickey looked at him with raised eyebrows.  
“Sorry, Mickey Gallagher”  
Mickey nodded, and Ian laughed and kissed him on the lips.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mickey sat in the paediatrician’s waiting room. He was glancing at his phone in his right hand, while he held Amy on his left arm. He had left the car seat in the car and carried her up here. She was calm, but she hid her face in his shoulder if Mickey interpreted her behaviour correctly, she was nervous because there were so many people in the waiting room and they were quite loud. Loud noises seemed to distress Amy, Mickey found out, which led to him whisper-yelling at his husband and brother in law at the store earlier, he almost caused a full-on scene in the middle of the store, because the two wouldn’t stop fighting about the pros and cons of pacifiers, while Amy had started crying.

Ian had sent him a text message and before that wanted to check in on him.

Ian: Thanks for going to the doctor alone  
You’re gonna do amazing I know it ILY

Mickey rolled his eyes. He didn’t need a pep talk, he was just going to the paediatrician’s office, just having Amy checked out like the Social Worker had asked them to, and then he would ask the doctor a bunch of questions, about how to care for their daughter.

A part of him still couldn’t believe that Amy really was _their_ daughter. Well, legally, she wasn’t their daughter just yet. She was just his niece, but for Ian and Mickey she already was their daughter and there was no doubt in their minds that she would be their daughter in every way. They would keep her, they would take care of her, they would love her, no matter if she got better or not.

In a way, Mickey felt uncomfortable though. He sat in a row with a bunch of women with their babies in their arms.  
Only Women.  
He was literally the only guy here (except the male babies, that were perfectly colour-coded in blue onesies and sweaters with cars or knights.)   
He tried to not pay attention to them, but in a way, he was scared to be judged.

Like back then, when he and Ina were dating in the beginning and whenever Ian was just getting a bit too close, Mickey was afraid they would judge them, would think they’re gay (which in that case would’ve been correct) and then would be stupid towards them.

And now with little Amy on his arm, he was worried they might notice that something was up with Amy. He was worried they might notice what happened to Amy and that they would blame him, that they would think _he_ did this to the little girl.

Mickey kissed Amy’s forehead to calm himself. The baby always had a funny reaction to it. Whenever Ian and Mickey kissed her, and they did that a lot because it calmed them and they were both freaking out for 24 hours straight now, she always looked up at them with her wide blue eyes like they were complete, utter idiots. Like she was saying “What are you doing?” “Why are you doing that?” And she did that again and all Mickey could think was “It’s good that she can hold her head up on her own.”

They were finally called in to see Dr Spielsdorf. He was a man in his fifties, he was tall and had a friendly face, most of the wrinkles in his face came from smiling at babies rather than from age. For a second, Mickey was glad Ian didn’t come with him, that man was kind of Ian’s daddy-issue-type. 

Dr Spielsdorf examined Amy carefully, always while smiling at her and talking to her. Sometimes he turned to Mickey to ask some questions. While Mickey was nervous at first, the doctors calming nature worked on him pretty quickly, he was aware of Amy’s injuries and that Mickey wasn’t at fault. In the beginning, Mickey also told him that they planned to change the baby’s name to Amy because of the trauma connected to the name Lucy, the doctor said, it was a good idea, although not really necessary.

“The results you gave us form the doctors in Dallas who examined her say that her motoric skills match a three-month-old baby rather than a six-month-old. For how long is she in your care now?”  
“About twenty-four hours, or less.”  
“Good, maybe you can answer some questions though. She seems to be able to hold up her head on her own when you lie her on her tummy, does she try to lift her torso up with her arms.”  
“Uhm, not that I witnessed it.”  
“Did you put her on her tummy at all?”  
“Yes, when I was lying on the bed, I put her on me, so she could lie on my chest instead of in her car seat or on some dirty pillow. But she only turned her head from one side to the other.”  
“Then it’s okay if she lay with her head on your chest, she was probably listening to your heartbeat, it calms babies.”  
Mickey nodded.

“How did you spend the night with her? Did she sleep in her own bed?”  
“No, we only bought one today for her. We got some big pillows, put her on them between me and my… partner.”  
The doctor nodded, “Did she sleep through the night?”  
“She did. We weren’t sure if that’s normal. My sister in law and my brother in law both have children on their own and they always woke up the entire house with their crying all the time. Since she doesn’t scream to wake us up, we set alarms for us so we could wake up and check if she is okay every four hours.”

The doctor smiled at him, “That is very responsible and I’m glad you and your partner take your new task so serious, but I don’t think it’s necessary. Three-month-old children sleep from seven to nine hours at night. A six-month-old baby sometimes sleeps 10 hours or longer and should take multiple naps during the day. You should watch her sleep needs in the next couple of days, maybe you can start by putting an alarm for yourself at about seven hours after she fell asleep, then you can check if she is away and wants to start the day every two hours. On the internet, you should easily find information regarding milestones and sleep and nap patterns. Sometimes the bed information and advice you can get is from other parents.”

Mickey nodded.  
“What did you give her to eat?”  
“My brother in law’s baby is about four days older than her and they gave us some formula they use for him.”  
“Only formula so far?”  
Mickey nodded.  
“Six-month-old’s often can already start eating solid foods. Is she able to sit on her own yet? Or in a high chair?”  
“No. When we’re sitting down and have her sit on our laps, she leans against us and sits like that but not on her own.”  
“But you tried?”  
“Yes, she just fell to the side without much reaction, but it was on the bed, so she landed softly.”

Doctor Spielsdorf nodded with a smile, “Maybe wait with feeding her solids until she can sit in a high chair. Then you can start with soft, steamed vegetables or you can buy processed baby food. But even if you start with solids, don’t stop with the formula. Throughout her first year, you should continue giving her formula, later maybe sips of water, but we can talk about that in a few weeks. Do not give her juice. The formula is fine, she doesn’t need anything else to drink.”  
Mickey nodded.

Dr Spielsdorf wasn’t happy with Amy’s lacking enthusiasm for grabbing things.  
“Play with her a lot, she should be grabbing for things around her, if she tries to put everything in her mouth, that’s a good sign, as long as it’s not something she can choke on. She generally doesn’t seem to initiate a lot of moving, you should practice things with her like rolling from back to front and front to back, what I mentioned earlier about raising her chest on tummy time. Her legs are fine, you should practice moving them with her, so she knows, it doesn’t hurt anymore when she does. Did your social worker give you the contact information about the physical therapist that works with the DCFS and are specifically trained in caring for babies like Amy?”

“She did. We haven’t contacted her yet because my partner wants to figure out first if his insurance covers it.”  
“If it doesn’t cover the full therapy, you should consider having one session with her and Amy, get some tips and exercises and then repeat them with Amy at home. It will benefit her a lot.”

Mickey nodded.  
“Are her bowl movements normal?”  
“Her what?”  
“Her poop, Mr Gallagher, anything concerning? Blood?”  
“Uhm, so far only my partner changed her diapers, he didn’t mention anything to me.”, he shrugged, “But I think if there would have been blood, he would have told me.”  
Dr Spielsdorf nodded, “Bowl movements tell you a lot about your babies health, keep an eye on that.”

“She doesn’t scream, right?”  
“No. When she’s upset she starts crying and often sort of whimpers, but never loudly. She also doesn’t like loud noises, she got very upset when my partner and brother in law were having a discussion in the store today. She wouldn’t stop crying for an hour.”  
“Does she make any other noises, vowels or consonants or is she completely silent?”  
“She’s definitely not silent like people who are unable to speak entirely, she did make some small ‘a’ and ‘e’ sounds around feeding time.”  
“Good, good, you should communicate a lot with her. Babies learn language by listening to their parents and imitating them. If you gain her trust and show her that talking and crying doesn’t end in punishment but in care from your side, it’s likely that she will scream and cry and talk according to her age within her first year still.”

“It’s likely”, Mickey repeated, “But can you say for sure that she will be okay? That she will catch up with her peers?”  
Dr Spielsdorf sighed and looked at Amy who stared at him with big round eyes.  
“Every child develops differently. And children who went through things like Amy did, who have developmental disorders, heal differently at different paces. It is likely that she will fully recover. It is likely that she, although recovered and on one level with her peers, will keep her trauma and exhibit behaviour linked to it as a toddler, schoolchild and even Teen. All you can do is be there for her, support her and give her a safe home. What you shouldn’t do is just compare her to other children her age. She’s been through a lot, she needs time. You said your brother in law has a child around the same age?”  
“Yes, four days older.”

The doctor nodded, “Don’t compare them. And don’t let other people compare them either. They’re the same age but they had drastically different lives so far, at least I hope that for your brother-in-law’s kid. They will reach the next milestones way quicker than Amy will and that’s okay. Keep that in mind, don’t let anyone unsettle you. Right now what matters with Amy is that she reaches her milestones at all, not when she reaches them. Okay?”

Mickey nodded, “Okay. Thanks.”  
The doctor finished his examination of Amy and Mickey and scheduled the next view appointments for vaccines and follow-up checks.

When he got home he made an appointment with the physical therapist for next week on a day he knew he could squeeze it in after work. On the way home, Amy had started to get fizzy and upset. Mickey figured she was hungry again and prepared a bottle for her, while he let her lie on a blanket on the ground on her tummy, he wanted to see if Amy was able to look up at him from that position and if she would try to move up her torso, she was supposed to have that down completely. Mickey kept directing her attention up to him, she actually made an effort to look up at him, Mickey figured, this little exercise was really more a question of energy than ability right now. He picked Amy up when her bottle was ready, sat down on the couch and fed her, all the while saying random things to her.

When Amy was satisfied he went upstairs, wondering where the rest of the Gallagher’s were. He went to their room and surprisingly found Sandy and Debbie putting Amy’s bed together. Ian and Mickey’s bed was pushed all the way to the wall and the crib Ian had picked out stood now between the big bed and the dresser.

“Hey, we didn’t hear you coming home”, Sandy said and went up to him to stroke Amy’s back, “And, was the doctor nice to you, Amy? Look, your favourite Aunt Sandy put your bed together.”

“Hey”, Debbie exclaimed, “We did that together. Also, you’re not her favourite aunt, you’re just the great cousin or something, I’m her favourite aunt, right Amy?”, Debbie came to them too ran her hand over her hair.

“Okay, thanks for the bed, but you’re both way too close.” Debbie and Sandy quickly backed off.  
“Good, have you seen the pacifiers Ian bought this morning?”  
Sandy nodded and went through the bags from the baby store on the bed.  
“I thought pacifiers are bad for babies now”, Debbie said.  
Mickey rolled his eyes, “Not you, too. Ian and Lip had a bucking fight about that today already. I don’t want to hear anything about it anymore. I just want to see if it calms her or not.”

“I’m sure it does”, Sandy said, freed the pacifier from its package, “It will remind her on a nipple. I go wash this quickly”  
A minute later Sandy came back with the pacifier, Mickey carefully held it to Amy’s mouth, she parted her tiny lips while staring at him and then started sucking on the pacifier. Mickey smiled.

“Okay, could you two go now? I have to google a few things and Amy needs silence.”  
Debbie and Sandy left the room reluctantly. Mickey sighed and sat down on the bed. He got Amy’s new rattle from the bags, lay down on the bed with Amy and held the rattle out to her, waiting patiently for her to reach out her hand and grab for it.

Amy looked at the colourful thing curiously. Mickey shook it lightly to show Amy it made a noise – Amy didn’t like that. Mickey took her little arm gently though and put the rattle in her hand, he shook her arm lightly to show her how to make the noise herself. When he let go of her, she curiously looked at the rattle and even tried to move it on her own. Mickey smiled at her and kissed her forehead. While he let Amy play, he started googling for those milestone and baby advice stuff Dr Spielsdorf had talked about. He even found “typical day” articles that he could use to plan his day with Amy.

Later he changed her diaper, in the evening fed her again, bathed her (figured out, Amy wasn’t a fan of being bathed in the sink but she would have to live with it), out her into Franny’s old onesie and tried to put her into her bed at around 7 pm. Amy looked weirdly around in her new bed, looked up to Mickey, who sat on the bed, she could only see him through the wooden bars of the bed, she put her hand into her mouth, sucked on her fingers and then started crying.

“Shh”, Mickey mumbled, got up from the bed and reached down into the baby bed to stroke over Amy’s head, “I forgot your pacy, huh? Where is that thing? I think it’s still downstairs. I go get it quickly, okay, I’m right back”

Mickey quickly ran downstairs, grabbed the pacifier from the coffee table in the living room and went upstairs again. Amy was crying harder, her whole face was red and puffy already.  
Mickey picked her up, “Hey, little princess”, he mumbled, “Everything’s fine. See, I’m back already and I got your pacy.”

Mickey carefully put the pacifier to Amy’s mouth again, she started sucking on it intensely and looked up at Mickey, who carefully dried her tears with his shirt.  
“Okay, do we want to try going to sleep again?”, he lowered Amy into the crib again, but Amy wasn’t having it. The minute. Mickey had let go of her, she started crying again. The fact that she didn’t bring out any cries while being obviously upset, made it all the more heart-breaking.

Mickey picked her up again, “You don’t like the bed, huh? But Ian handpicked it just for you. Okay, then not. Do you want to sleep in the big bed again? Okay, it’s seven now, so if you were a three-month-old you’d sleep until two in the morning, but you know what good six-month-old girls do? They sleep until seven. Does that sound good?”

Mickey sighed, he put her on the same pillow as yesterday evening, then he lay next to her until she fell asleep.

Ian came home after ten in the evening, the house was already quiet. He snuck upstairs and into his room. He smiled when he saw that the crib was already put together. He looked into it and frowned when he found it empty, he looked over to his and Mickey’s bed. Mickey lay with his arms around the big pillow Amy had slept on last night, both were soundly asleep.

Ian smiled lovingly at the two. He carefully picked Amy up and lay her down in her bed though. From the movement, Mickey woke up and tiredly looked around the dark room.  
“Hey, it’s just me”, Ian whispered, “I’m home now when is the next get-up alarm?”  
“At two.”  
“Two?”  
“Yes, then an alarm every two hours to check if she is awake yet.”  
“Okay, go back to sleep, I stay up until two and look after her”, Ian whispered and kissed his husband’s cheek.”

Mickey nodded and turned to his side. Ian smiled and pulled the blanket over Mickey’s body.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Since their bed was pushed to the wall now, Mickey woke up every time Ian left the bed, even though he tried to be careful.

During a short episode of being awake around four in the morning, Mickey had looked into the baby bed and had seen that Amy lay on her stomach. He had been too tired to protest at the time.

He woke up at half-past seven in the morning. Ian and Amy both weren’t in the room anymore.  
Mickey got up slowly and trotted down the stairs. Ian was feeding Amy on the couch.

He turned his head to him when he heard the creaking of the stairs. The rest of the family was either still in bed or at the breakfast table at the moment.

“Good morning, Mick.”  
Mickey nodded and sat down on the couch, he leaned against his shoulder.  
“Still tired?”  
“Nah, I’m fine. When do you have to go to work?”  
“Same shift as yesterday, so I go back to bed in a while if you don’t mind.”  
“It’s fine”, Mickey said smiled at Amy.  
“What did the doctor say yesterday?”  
“Uhm, that it’s likely that she’ll catch up with other kids her age and that we should just support her and take care of her and so on and then we’ll all be fine. If you have this under control I’m gonna grab some breakfast.”

Ian nodded and kissed his cheek. Mickey got up, “Oh, and Gallagher, did you put her on her stomach last night when you put her to bed?”  
“Uhm, possibly, yeah.”  
“Don’t do that.”  
“Why?”  
“Tss, why”, Mickey scoffed, “Have you never heard of Sudden Infant Death?”  
“I did”  
“It’s caused by babies overheating and sleeping on their stomach, so if I ever see you doing that again, I will light your hair on fire. When she’s awake she can lie on her tummy all day long but not during sleep time. Clear?”  
“Clear…”, Ian nodded with raised eyebrows, “Isn’t she too old for the Sudden Infant Death though?”  
“Dude, don’t try me, it’s too early for this.”, Mickey shook his head and started walking to the kitchen.  
“Okay”, he looked down to Amy, “Your papa is a little dramatic, huh?”  
Mickey stopped and turned around to his husband again, “What did you call me.”  
“Papa”, Ian repeated, “Neil Patrick Harris and his husband have their children call them daddy and papa. You overslept the moment I called the daddy-position, but you can be pops if you prefer that.”

Mickey walked back to the couch and sat on the armrest. It was one thing to realise that the little girl they were taking care of now, was their daughter. Mickey hadn’t even thought about the fact that Amy would really grow up with them as her dads and address them at such. That she would speak her first words and call them “Dadi” and “papa” that she would look at them with her giant blue eyes and smile sweetly while saying “papa please” in the cutest way possible when she wanted to have something like a new toy or ice cream in summer.

Mickey smiled and kissed Ian gently, “Both is fine. I love you.”  
“I love you, too”, Ian smiled up at him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kevin's mother was addicted to drugs and alcohol, her boyfriend Bernd (not Kevin's father, he was the product of a rape) was also an addict and abusive. Kevin was born addicted to drugs already, had to stay connected to a breathing machine etc for 5 weeks. Throughout his life there had been signs of abuse, multiple broken bones, both femurs were broken, multiple skull fractures, arms, rips - when he was around 9 months old. Developmental disorder. Still, the child has to go home with the "parents" again. The stepfather Bernd refuses to accept the "Early Helps" (Programm from the social workers to help struggling parents). At a point, the mother lies drunk and unconscious on a staircase, she dropped Kevin in the process. he goes to an orphanage, they observe: Kevin doesn't know what toys are or what to do with It, he doesn't smile, his face is "like a mask" and he does the silent crying - he doesn't scream when he cries, a behaviour abused children sometimes show, when they are always beaten when they make a sound, they try to become "invisible" in order to survive. In November 2005 Kevin's mother died, Bernd beat her all the time, it his very likely that he is responsible for her death (which was related to organ failure/ damage) but her organs were extremely damaged from the drugs already so they couldn't really prove that Bernd is responsible for her death. Bernd is allowed to go home again with the child. The social workers think he is with his mother, he is not.  
> Bernd and Kevin are now alone. Bernd is supposed to bring Kevin to an in-home daycare provider (we call them day-mother), meet with someone from the "Frühförderung" (Early help for children with developmental disorders), go to the doctors with Kevin regularly and go to appointments with the social workers. He doesn't.  
> Between the end of April and June Kevin dies.  
> The social workers still try to get appointments and get to see Kevin to decide whether or not to take Kevin out of his stepfathers care (He is dead at this point already)  
> On the 10. October 2006 the social workers have an order by the court that Kevin is supposed to be handed over to them by the father. The social worker doesn't dare to go into the apartment alone, the police comes with the social worker. Bernd blocks the door to the apartment, the police has to break in the door.  
> Kevin's body (again only 2 years old) is found in the fridge, slowly rotting, put into two yellow trash bags.
> 
> Cases like this are not only the fault of the social workers and we all know that they are overworked and understaffed. But both parents (and Bernd wasn't even the father) were at court over and over again for insulting, theft, robbery - they never lost custody for the child. The child was in the hospital multiple times he had broken bones, skull fractures etc - the parents never lost custody for the children. But it was definitely a fail of multiple institutions.


	20. Ex-Girlfriends, Nieces and Grandpas

Mickey stayed at home with Amy for two days and then it was Ian’s turn. Mickey was going crazy while he was at work and texted Ian every thirty minutes. Usually, Ian would have been annoyed with him, but he actually was glad Mickey was so into being a responsible dad. During the days he had been alone with Amy, he had used the nap times to google exercises for babies with developmental disorders. He had shown them to Ian and left him with instructions when he went back to work. Ian kept his days with Amy relaxed, he let her grasp some toys and different textures, held things out of reach for her just a tiny bit, so that she could reach them if she tried (most of the time she didn’t)

Both Ian and Mickey tried to make her laugh. They made funny faces at her and noises, but if anything they made each other laugh, Amy watched them while sucking on her pacy.

After Ian’s two days, both had to go to work. Luckily, Mickey had the morning shift and Ian the late shift, Ian started at two and Mickey got off at one, which left them just enough time for a quick kiss and “Amy’s taking her nap” in between.

Ian got back in the evening after 10, Mickey was sitting in their bed, waiting for him. He was watching Amy sleep peacefully and wanted nothing more than getting some sleep himself.

“Hey, you’re still up?”, Ian whispered when he got in.  
Mickey nodded, “Was waiting for you”  
Ian smiled and sat down on the bed next to him to kiss him.

“We need to find a solution for this, tomorrow we can still do this half-and-half day because you got night shift, but the day after that? We both have late shift, no one is home. And we have to make those two weeks until my vacation starts.”  
Ian nodded and sighed, “Then we will have to spend our last money on some daycare after all?”

Mickey shook his head, “Out of the question. She’s too young for that, for one. And two, she needs attention and care, how is one person who watches ten children at the same time, gonna help her like we do? Come on, what do you have all those fucking siblings for, huh?”  
“You just said yourself, no one is home. They’re all working, even Sandy, although I start to think that the tattoo studio is just a front for some coke business. Liam would be there in the afternoons, but he’s thirteen, we can’t do that.”

Mickey looked at him for a moment, “Come on, aren’t you forgetting someone?”  
“Frank?”  
“No, not fucking Frank, Lip.”  
“Lip has his own baby.”  
“Exactly. They have a baby the exact same age. He is home with Fred the entire day already. We watched Freddie and Franny before. We are not asking for too much when we ask Lip to help out.”

Ian nodded, “You’re right. He offered his help, too. And it would only be a few hours on the days we really have to work at the same time. We can at least ask him, after all, we would take care of Freddie in a time of emergency, too.”  
Mickey nodded, “How about we go over to their place tomorrow and ask him before your shift?”  
Ian nodded, “Sounds good, yeah”, he kissed Mickey and sighed, “I go grab some dinner, you go to bed, you have morning shift”, he lectured, then he picked Amy up and put her down in her own bed.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After Mickey came back home and Amy finished her nap, they went over to Tami and Lip’s place. Unexpectantly, Tami was home, too.

Lip was happy to see them and sat down on the couch with Ian, Mickey and Amy, while Tami sat on the ground and played with Freddie, who was already sitting on his own. Mickey had to remind himself, to not compare Fred to Amy, but he had the feeling that Tami showed off Freddie being much more advanced than Amy on purpose.

“So, how is fatherhood?”, Lip asked and smiled at Amy, “Is she making progress?”  
“Not a lot”, Ian said with a shrug, “But it’s also just been a few days and soon Mickey has the appointment with the physical therapist that will give us some tips.”  
“Great, but she at least looks like she’s getting enough food now, got some healthy, rosy baby cheeks.”, he grinned.

Ian chuckled, “We actually wanted to ask you a favour.”  
“Sure, how can I help?”  
“Well, you know it’s all been very sudden with Amy staying with us and Mickey couldn’t take his vacation right away and until that starts, we both have to work. On some days we are both at work at the same time and no one can be home with Amy and we, well, we were wondering if you maybe could help us out…”

“You mean, babysit her while you’re both at work?”  
“Yes, it’s only for a few days and it’s also five hours a day tops and only during the day because at night people are definitely at home.”  
“Dude, calm down”, Lip interrupted his brother chuckling, “Sure I can watch her, that’s no problem at all. I’m home with Fred anyways, and I’m her favourite uncle, hands down. She’ll bond with her cousin, too, it’s no problem. I know you’d watch Freddie for us too if the roles would be reversed.”

Ian smiled relieved, “Yes, we would. And I promise, we will always babysit him after we sorted out the time problems and you want to have some couple time or something, thank you.”

Tami stood up and loudly cleared her throat. The three men on the couch looked up at her, they had pretty much forgotten she was there.  
“Lip, could we talk?”, she asked sternly and walked to the next room.

Lip followed her confused. There was no door between the two rooms and Tami never really spoke quietly, so it was no problem for Ian and Mickey to understand every word she said.

“I don’t want you to watch her”, Tami said.  
“What?”  
“You’re responsible for Freddie already. You can’t watch both of them.”  
“Yes, I can. You heard them, they’re in an emergency situation here and it would only be a few hours a day.”  
“No. You’re not going to do that.”  
“Tami, that’s my family. My brother needs my help with my niece. Of course, I’m going to help them.”  
“She is not your niece”, Tami hissed, “She’s the daughter of your ex-girlfriend. I don’t want you to take care of your ex’s kid and neglect our son for her.”

This didn’t only make Lip speechless, also Ian was staring shocked at Mickey, whose face turned into a scowl.

“Neglect our son? I wouldn’t neglect Freddie by watching two kids at once, Tami. How does this have anything to do with Mandy being the girl’s birth mom? Mandy isn’t here, Ian and Mickey are raising her, and I want to help them, this has nothing to do with Mandy.”

“You are not going to watch her”, Tami repeated, “Your ex spat a baby out, that’s not your responsibility. I’m not having my boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend’s child in my house, next to my son.”  
“Wha-“  
“That’s my final word on it, Lip. You have your own kid to care for.”

Mickey cradled Amy in his arms, stood up from the couch and without a word left the house. Ian was still sitting there stunned. What was Tami’s problem? Mandy wasn’t here. It wasn’t Mandy who asked Lip to take care of Amy. Mickey and he just needed some help for a few days.

Tami pushed Lip back into the living room.  
“Where’s Mickey?”, he asked confused.  
“Left”, Ian said and got up too, “I think everything’s been said, then, huh?”  
“Ian-“  
“Oh, shove it”, he said with respect to Freddie in the room, “I’m the best friend of your ex-girlfriend after all, so I have no place in this house, right?”  
“Ian, wait, Tami didn’t mean-“  
But Ian only shook his head and left the house, too.

Mickey sat in the car already, Amy sat in her seat in the back. Ian got in and sighed.  
“When did she turn into such a bitch, huh?”, Mickey asked, “What kind of mentality is that?”  
Ian sighed, he reached over to him and took his hand, “We’ll find a solution.”

Mickey shook his head, “Your siblings are out, Kev and V have enough to do with their twins, and they even have to take them with them to the bar, they can’t take Amy to the bar with them, the social worker is gonna snatch her away faster than Tami can say ex-girlfriend again.”

Ian bit his bottom lip and nodded, “Don’t you have like an aunt who always took care of Mandy when she ran away from home?”  
“I hoped to be able to keep Amy a secret from my family. Especially dad.”  
“He’s in prison.”  
“Still”, he shook his head, “Not gonna risk it. Your dad once called DCFS on you once when he was mad at you, you think my family is above that? Neither he nor my uncles nor who else is gonna come near our baby.”

Ian nodded, “I guess the only option we have left is, and I hate to say it, Frank.”  
“Frank? No, Frank isn’t an option. He’s a drunk.”  
“We threat and scare him sober. Only for those few hours, we need him. We have to at least try, or do you want to take Amy to night shift with you?”  
Mickey rubbed his hands over his face, “What if he gets drunk and passes out while he’s supposed to watch her?”  
Ian shook his head, “He’s been a fairly decent grandpa to Franny. And he has to drink a lot to pass out. And… growing up, when he was sober from time to time, he was a pretty good dad. He has it in him.”

“Has it in him? He failed six times at being a dad, once on you, and now you think he’s gonna change for two weeks for his granddaughter that isn’t even his granddaughter by blood?”  
“He adores her. He is home the entire time, surely you’ve seen him interact with her when you were alone with Amy.”  
“No, I didn’t let her near you, just because your dad is better than mine, doesn’t make him a good one, or a good grandpa.”  
Ian sighed, “Let’s at least ask him if he would do this for us. Then we make him promise to stay sober and if he doesn’t, you are allowed to torture him in every way you can think of.”

Mickey considered it, “That are a lot of ways…”  
“I know, you can describe them all in detail to him,”, he kissed Mickey’s cheek as if they were talking about a hobby Mickey was passionate about, “but he’s our only option”  
Mickey bit his lip, “Okay… but I’m really fucking mad at your brother and his little fucktoy girlfriend.”  
Ian agreed and drove them home.

Frank was sitting at the kitchen table with a beer, he was rambling about something to Liam, who just wanted to do his homework in peace. Mickey was carrying Amy, Ian quickly walked up to his father and took the beer out of his hand.

“Hey”, he complained.  
“Frank, we need you to do us a favour?”  
Frank looked up at his son, “And you think I’ll do you a favour when you take my beer away? In your dreams.”, he tried to take the bottle back.

Liam sighed annoyed, stood up and moved his stuff to the living room.

Ian put the beer away and sat down at the table.  
“So, what do you want? Or do just need someone to judge with those judgy little eyes of yours? You look like your mother when you do that.”

“As you know, Mickey and I both have jobs, in contrast to you.”  
“Oh, yeah, so proud of you for contributing to society.”  
Mickey looked at Ian, “Still think this is a great idea?”  
“I never said great. I said _only_ option.”, Ian said and turned back to his father, “We wanted to ask you if you could help us out with Amy.”

Frank looked at the little girl Mickey was holding in his arms.  
“What kind of help?”  
“Babysit. Just for a few hours on the days, we’re both at work at the same time. Starting tomorrow.”

“Hm, what do I get out of it?”  
Ian sighed annoyed, “Our thanks? Quality time with your newest grandchild?”  
Frank looked at him sceptically.

“Okay”, Mickey shook his head and handed Amy over to Ian, then put a hand on Frank’s chair and turned him to him, “It’s easy, either you help us, or I will take that beer you love so much and ram it so far up your ass you’re gonna die from internal bleeding while I beat the living shit out of you. So you’re gonna help us, you’re gonna be lad about the time you’re spending with Amy and if you get drunk while you’re alone with her I will drown you in boiling water.”

Frank looked at his son in law and then to Ian, “You really married a sun-shine here, huh?”  
Mickey moved his face closer to him in a very unsettling way, Ian turned Amy away from the two, so she didn’t have to see her papa like this.

“Okay, okay, sure I’d love to help you”, Frank said quickly, “Ian, hand her over, hi, Amy, I’m your grandpa.”  
Ian hesitantly gave Amy to Frank. Amy at first seemed unsure about being held by a new person again. She looked back at Ian, who smiled at her, then she looked at Mickey, who watched the scene carefully. Amy lightly leaned in his direction and stretched her arm out to him, Mickey immediately took her away from Frank again and rocked her in his arms, she seemed a lot more relaxed as soon as Mickey held her again and she could lean against him again.

“Well, she didn’t get upset, I’ll book that as a win. Frank, you’re hired.”, Ian said.  
“Hired? Do I get money for this?”  
“No. You’re trying to make up for being a shitty father with this.”  
“Then I still think a thank you is in order.”  
“You didn’t do anything yet.”, Ian shook his head, and then turned to Mickey and Amy “I have to lie down for my shift now, are you okay with her.”  
“Yeah, sure”, Mickey smiled, Ian kissed Amy’s cheek and went upstairs. Mickey carried Amy to the living room to play with her.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The next day Ian and Mickey were both on late shift. They spent the morning with Amy, played with her and did her exercises with her. Ian had hoped Amy would get bolder and try to reach the toys they held out for her more and more, but quite opposite happened. Amy found her favoured spot in Mickey’s arms with her tiny head on his left shoulder, and she absolutely hated leaving that spot. Ian was glad, that Amy accepted them as her protectors and viewed Mickey as the ultimate save haven and calm spot, but it didn’t really help her motoric skills whatsoever. Mickey didn’t care, he said, the most important thing was that they were gaining Amy’s trust, the rest could follow afterwards.

Mickey’s shift started two hours before Ian’s shift, so he had to leave at 11:30 latest. He was already dressed, had jackets piled on himself and was ready to go, he just had to hand over Amy to Frank. Ian would still be here for another two hours, but after all, was Mickey reluctant to leave Amy with Frank, not with Ian.

He stood by the couch, where Frank sat, looking down on him with a frown while holding Amy close to him.  
“Mick, just give her to him, will you? We talked about this. And Frank didn’t drink a drop today.”  
“Yeah, but what is he gonna do without our supervision?”  
“He’s gonna take care of Amy and everything will be fine. Hand her over.”

Mickey bit his lip and looked at Amy, who leaned against him perfectly calm, sucking lazily on her pacifier. He sighed and hesitantly passed her to Frank. Frank took the baby from his son-in-law with an eye-roll.

“See, everything’s good, you’re being dramatic”, Frank said and looked at his grandchild with a smile. Amy was sucking quicker on the paci now, then stopped, looked at her fathers, and moved her body in their direction a bit. Mickey already leaned down to her to pick her up again, but Ian pulled him back by his shoulder.

“No. You’re gonna leave for work now, then you won’t be able to take her from him either.”  
Amy sniffled and then started crying. She only let out a soft whimper again, but her face turned red and thick tears rolled down her face. Mickey wasn’t having it, he immediately pulled Amy away from Frank again.

“This isn’t working. I have a shift in that office building today, maybe I can take her with me after all. Willet would help me for sure.”  
“Maybe Willet can babysit for us on a day off then.”, Ian said, “But right now, you can’t take her to work and you can’t stay here. Amy stays with Frank. You’re not making this easier for her by taking her away from him every time she starts crying.”

“But she would rather stay with me than with Frank.”  
“We all would. But it’s not an option. Say good-bye to Amy.”  
Mickey looked at his husband with pleading eyes, but it didn’t work on Ian. Mickey sighed defeated, kissed the top of Amy’s head and gave her to Frank again.  
“Bye-bye Amy, papa is coming back soon, okay?”

“Good”, Ian said and quickly pushed Mickey out of the house before he could take Amy back again. He went to the car with him.

“I’m here for another two hours, Mick, she will be fine and in a few hours at least Liam and Carl will be back from school, Sandy will come back from the tattoo shop. It’s gonna be fine.”  
“Are you trying to convince me or yourself?”, Mickey asked while walking around his car, “I really fucking hate your brother for this.”  
“I know. But with this, we’re showing him and his stupid slut of a girlfriend that we don’t need them. And they will never have any business asking us to babysit for them.”  
Mickey nodded and looked back to the house, by the window to the living room stood Frank with Amy in his arms, both looking outside to them.

“Mick, get into the car, you’ll be late for work.”, Ian said.  
Mickey opened his door with a scowl.  
“Good, love you.”  
“Love you, too”, Mickey mumbled and got into the car.

After Mickey drove off, Ian went back inside, Frank and sat on the couch again.

“You married a real mother-hen”, Frank commented.  
“Shut up. Don’t think for a second, I’m trusting you with our daughter more than he does. You’re simply our only option.”

“Maybe you should be nicer to your only option, then.”  
Ian rolled his eyes and sighed, he sat down next to him on the couch. Fran was right, after all, was he the only one who agreed, although under threat, to help them with Amy.

“I’m just so fucking mad at Lip”, he said and then bit his lip, “Fuck, I need to stop swearing around her.”  
“I don’t think you swearing around her is gonna have much of an impact, one person more or less doesn’t cut it.”  
Ian nodded, “I’m just trying to be a good dad. You never really were a sufficient role model in that department.”

“Hey, I raised six of you on my own and none of you died.”  
“Fiona raised us.”  
“Yes, and when she did, Liam overdosed on Coke. What are ya saying to that, huh?”  
“That you still were deadbeat dad and mom a fuck up which is the reason that your oldest daughter had to raise us on her own while she was just a kid herself which is the reason that accident could happen in the first place?”

Frank just rolled his eyes and held Amy up, “Don’t listen to him, people like to lie about grandpa Frank. That’s not nice especially not when he’s the only one who watches you while your parents are at work.”

“Yeah, you’re right. Uncle Lip is a fucking bust in that department.”  
“Lip has his own son, he takes care of him.”  
“Yeah, I know. But he even agreed to watch Amy, Tami was the one who forbids it. Just because Mandy is Amy’s bio-mom.”, he scoffed, “I bet she’s just jealous because everyone is gushing about how cute Amy is and not Freddie anymore.”

Ian took Amy into his arms and smiled at her.  
“You have to promise us to do her exercises with her like we showed you”, he said to his father, “And when I’m at lunch I will facetime you to check in. And when the social worker comes in the next weeks while you’re alone with her you’re calling us immediately, so we can come home.”

“Yeah, yeah”, Frank mumbled.  
“I mean it. If she is taken away from us again, or you harm her, Mickey is gonna set you on fire. Just because he changed his name doesn’t mean he can’t go Milkovich on you.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The two weeks passed surprisingly well. When the social worker made her surprise visits, Mickey was even home. She seemed pleased with Amy, the house and their current care. She would now work on approving them as official foster parents and guardians (before that, Amy was just ‘living with her uncle’ officially) and soon they would be allowed to adopt her fully after a court hearing and a bunch of other stuff, Mickey didn’t really listen.

Finally, Mickey was able to start his vacation time. Grandpa Frank had taken good care of Amy, but he was glad that he would have full control of the situation again.

They were well into the first week of Mickey caring for Amy basically on his own. Ian did as much as he could when he came back from work every day so Mickey could rest for a while, but he was exhausted from work, especially when he came from double shifts, and more often then not, Amy and Mickey were already passed out in bed when he came back from work after late shift.

Ian got up early in the morning, it was still dark outside, it was basically night. He sometimes really hated morning shift, but it always meant, he could give his entire afternoon to Amy and Mickey. He carefully climbed out of the bed, since they had to push the bed up against the wall, he always had to climb over Mickey to get up. He managed to get out of bed without waking up his husband.

Ian glanced into the crib, Amy was still asleep. He snuck around the house trying to make as little noise as possible while taking a shower, brushing his teeth and getting dressed. He checked on Amy again when he wanted to go downstairs and noticed she was awake now.

He looked to Mickey, it was five o’clock, he didn’t have much time left. He sighed and took Amy out of her crib. She needed a new diaper.  
“Okay, Ames, a new diaper and then I’ll feed you real quick, but then daddy has to go to work, okay?”

Ian quickly changed Amy’s diaper, dressed her on a new onesie and brought her downstairs, where he made a bottle and fed her all within forty minutes.  
“Shit, I’m gonna be late”, he mumbled when he brought her upstairs again.

It was likely that Amy would be in the mood for another nap now, so maybe Mickey didn’t have to get up already. Ian went back into their room. Mickey lay on his back, so Ian carefully pulled his blanket down a bit and put Amy on Mickey’s stomach. It was Amy’s favourite spot for a nap. Mickey automatically put a hand on Amy, without opening his eyes he mumbled, “What time is it?”  
“Not even six. I have to go to work. I fed her and gave her a new diaper, maybe she will take another nap now. I come back before three, I promise. Love you”  
“’ove you, too”, Mickey mumbled sleepily.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mickey lay on the ground in the living room, Amy lay in front of him. He held out some toys to her, watched how she grabbed them with her tiny hand, how she stretched out her hand for them when Mickey held them in front of her face. He watched how she followed objects with her giant blue eyes, it’s been hardly three weeks since she came to them but she looked already much healthier, of course, this was partly due to the care she received in the hospital in Dallas before she came to them.

She had gained a lot of weight and her cheeks have a healthy rosy tone. She darted her tongue out of her mouth and made a frustrated noise when she couldn’t reach the toy.

Mickey laughed at her, gave her the toy and picked her up, he lay down on his back and held Amy up into the air. Amy wiggled excitedly with her arms, she looked insanely cute and Mickey laughed whole-heartedly. He brought her down again and kissed her cheek.

“Are you a bird, huh? Can you fly like a bird?”, he grinned at her. Amy brought the toy to her mouth while looking at her papa.  
“Can you actually smile?”, Mickey wondered, “Can you smile at me? Smile for papa? Or even laugh? I’ve never seen you laugh. Or am I just not funny?”

Mickey sat up and started making funny faces at her. Frank came downstairs.  
“Mornin’”  
“It’s one p.m., Frank.”  
“Almost beer time then.”, Frank grinned.  
“There is a time for you that’s not beer time?”  
Frank shrugged.

Mickey stood up and followed Frank to the kitchen.  
“Frank, when you were alone with Amy, did you ever see her smile?”  
“Smile? No. Why?”

“Why? Don’t you find it concerning that she never smiles?”  
“She’s your child, don’t you have to know why she doesn’t smile? Maybe you just ain’t funny.”

Amy generally didn’t display a lot of emotion through her facial expressions. Especially in the beginning, her face seemed like a mask most of the time. But now she was supposed to be a happy baby. Frank sat down at the table, frowned, stood up again and looked at the chair, there lay on of Franny’s stuffed animals.

“Kids”, Frank rolled his eyes and shook his head, “Always leaving their stuff lying around.”  
Mickey looked at the stuffed animal and thought about the octopus toy upstairs, that Ian had bought him. It was the first time Mickey had ever gotten a stuffed animal. He had put it into Amy’s bed, but she wasn’t very interested in it and she couldn’t really grab it either.

Mickey checked the clock on his phone.  
“So, Amy, do you want to take a trip outside?”, he asked and went upstairs, “Take that pretty new stroller we bought and then we pick up daddy from work, how does that sound, huh?”

He quickly dressed Amy and himself into winter clothing, put some baby things into a backpack and left the house with Amy. So far, they had only taken a few trips with the stroller, Ian usually combined it with running in the morning while Mickey was allowed to sleep in for a while. According to Ian, Amy enjoyed being chauffeured around like that, so he put her into the stroller and walked to Ian’s station with her.

They waited in front of the station for Ian to come out, Mickey knew Ian wouldn’t waste time with chatting and lingering with his colleagues, because he wanted to get home to them quickly. And really, Ian was the first one to get out of the station when his shift was over, he was so quick, he almost didn’t see his husband waiting for him.

“Mick?”, he grinned when he stood in front of them, “What are you doing here?”  
“Picking you up, of course.”  
Ian pecked his lips and turned to Amy, gushing about how cute she looked in her thick winter clothes.  
“We were about to go shopping, you joining us, Freckles?”  
“Shopping?”, Ian asked confused.  
“Buying Amy’s first plushie.”, he nodded.  
Ian smiled at him, “Shit, how could we forget to buy her one when he got all the other shit?”  
Mickey shrugged, “Maybe because you and Lip were fighting about pacifiers for an hour.”

They went to a baby store a few streets away from the station.  
Ian took Amy out of the stroller so she could look around better.  
“What kind of stuffed animal should we get for her?”  
“She has to decide”, Mickey shrugged and went to the stuffed animals.

Mickey started taking different plushies and holding them out to Amy. Amy didn’t seem interested in the slightest in the frog, the elephant and the teddy bear. She curiously looked at the giraffe but didn’t stretch her hand out for it. She grabbed the dog, the cat and the shark, but dropped them pretty quickly gain.

“Okay, then we have candidate sheep.”, Mickey said and held out the sheep to Amy. Amy looked at it and grabbed it. Ian sighed, waiting for her to drop it again.  
“This is a stupid idea, Mick, letting her choose on her own, she doesn’t even understand what you want from her.”  
“It’s not stupid. At home she has the Okay Toys and the Favourite Toys, the okay toys are getting dropped as soon as a favourite toy is within eyeshot and she tries to resist when I try to take them away from her again. So yes, she is capable of deciding whether she likes the sheep or not.”

Amy was still holding the sheep, she looked at it and even touched it with both hands, then she opened her mouth and bit down on it.  
“Amy, no, we didn’t buy it yet, you can’t put it into your mouth”, Ian whispered and looked around whether someone was watching them.  
“Nah, it’s okay. She licked it, so it’s hers.”  
“So, we’re buying the sheep.”  
“Yes. Come on”

Ian shook his head and followed Mickey to pay for the new toy. It kind of annoyed him that this stupid method worked. But he was also proud of Mickey for being so patient with Amy. Mickey has never been patient about anything, but Ian was fully convinced that he would have shown Amy every single animal they had in here until she had licked one of them.

When Mickey tried to take the sheep from Amy, so the staff member could scan it, Amy resisted a lot, not wanting to give the thing away again. Ian wondered, where he could fuck Mickey tonight, so he didn’t have to hear about how Mickey was right about Amy’s ability to choose her own favourite toy.

When Mickey gently took the sheep out of her hand, Amy dramatically slumped against Ian and let out a noise of frustration and sadness. Ian stroked over her back, just being happy that Amy dared to make louder and more of those noises.

When the sheep was paid for, Ian put Amy back into the stroller and Mickey gave her the sheep back.  
“Told you it works”, Mickey smirked when Amy closed her little fist around the stuffed sheep and started calming down again, “And you were about to just buy anything at random.”  
Ian nodded and started to push the stroller away from the store towards home, “The bathroom”, he said.  
Mickey looked at him confused, “Huh?”

“That’s where I’m gonna fuck you tonight after Amy fell asleep if you promise to not enjoy being right too much.”  
Mickey considered for a brief time if it would be worth it, but since Amy slept in their bedroom, they didn’t have sex in over three weeks. Sure, both were exhausted because of Amy, but they were both also horny, because seeing the other being such a good and caring parent meant exploring new sides on the other and their relationship, Ian was falling in love with his husband all over again every time he saw him playing with Amy, and he wanted to show him that love in a physical way – which here means fucking him bend over the edge of the bathtub.

“The tiles are fucking cold, if we stay up until the rest of them is asleep we can at least occupy the couch.”  
“I have morning shift tomorrow, I can’t stay up that long.”  
Mickey groaned and leaned his head against Ian’s shoulder, “Great, now we have to schedule our sex in advance. It happened, we’re old. We’re officially an old, married couple now. I should go to the pharmacy and get you some Viagra right now, so you can get it up according to schedule.”

Ian laughed, “You’re being so fucking dramatic, Mick.”, he put an arm around him, “Don’t worry I’m still able to get it up exactly when you want me to.”  
Mickey smirked and kissed him.

It was amazing how far they’ve come. A few years ago, Mickey would have been way too afraid to kiss Ian in the open street like this or to let Ian put his arm around him.

And now they were having a family walk with their daughter. Mickey enjoyed being a father with all his heart. He even started to do some household chores when Amy was napping. Yes, Mickey Gallagher put laundry into the washing machine, added the laundry soap and clicked “start” – Ian was so amazed by that, he almost took him against the washing machine the second he heard about it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mickey vacation weeks came closer to the end. They needed to figure out what they would do now. But first, they had to sit through another awkward family evening.

Lip, Tami and Freddie were at the house quite often for dinner and family TV evenings. Although for the latter, Lip usually came alone. It was awkward as hell between the two couples, especially between Mickey and Tami, because of how she had talked about his sister.

Lip always tried to get closer to his brother and brother-in-law again, made jokes or noted what a great job they were doing with Amy, but Mickey wasn’t having any of it and Ian usually wasn’t very responsive either.

Amy was doing great progress. She was still two months behind her peers in development, still didn’t scream or laugh, but she progressed quickly. One of the highlights so far was that she was now able to turn to form her tummy to her back and from her back to her tummy again on her own.

Mickey sat on the couch with Amy and just finished feeding her. Freddie sat in the playpen behind them. Eventually, Freddie started crying and shouting. Lip and Tami came rushing to him immediately. Tami picked Freddie up, announced she would feed him upstairs and left again.

“Did you see that, Amy?”, Mickey said, “Freddie was hungry, so he made a lot of loud noises and cries so people come to feed him. Hm, what do we learn from that? When you scream loudly, daddy and papa will come and take care of you. You should try that sometime.”

Lip came to them and sat down in front of the couch.  
“Amy seems well”, Lip said, Mickey ignored him, “Sometimes Freddie is screaming so loudly we are afraid the house is falling apart, then we go check on him, and he has nothing. Is fed, has a clean diaper, just wants some attention because we turned away for two minutes and he’s acting like the apocalypse started”, he chuckled, “But Amy’s so calm all the time.”

“Yeah”, Mickey said dryly, “If you want to have that too, just break one of Freddie’s bones every time he makes a sound. Baby bones break amazingly easily.”

Mickey shook his head and got up to go to his husband in the kitchen.  
“Hey”  
Ian smiled at him, he and Sandy were cooking dinner.

“Your brother is pissing me off”, Mickey mumbled and handed Amy over to Ian.  
“What did he say now?”  
“Wishing Freddie would be as quiet as Amy.”

Ian sighed annoyed, “He doesn’t know what he’s saying, Mick, just don’t listen.”  
“How am I supposed to not listen when he’s saying it directly to my face? I’m not deaf.”, he said and went over to the washing machines, he looked confused through the laundry basket with the dried and folded laundry.

“Looking for something?”, Sandy asked.  
“Yeah, have you seen Wooly?”

Wooly was the name they had given to Amy’s sheep.  
“No, not today.”, Ian shrugged.  
“She threw up on it after her breakfast, so I put it to the laundry while she was napping. Where is that thing?”

Amy was getting upset pretty quickly if she was away from Wooly for too long. Right now she was only a bot fidgety in Ian’s arms. But she could get upset soon, especially since she was getting tired.

“Debbie folded the laundry earlier.”, Sandy said when Debbie and Franny just came down to the living room, “Hey Babes, did you see Wooly earlier when you did laundry?”  
Debbie came to the kitchen while Franny occupied uncle Lip.  
“Amy’s sheep? Yeah, I put it on top of the laundry when I was finished, because I thought Amy might need it later.”

Mickey stood in front of the laundry basket, “Well, am I going blind or is it not here?”  
Debbie walked up to him confused and helped him look for Wooly.

Ian gave Amy back to Mickey, so he could help Debbie look for the sheep when Mickey just kept getting frustrated and started cursing. Mickey sat at the kitchen counter, Debbie went upstairs to look there for Wooly, while Ian searched in the living room.

Amy was tired and upset, she was wiggling in Mickey’s arms.

Then Tami came back down to the kitchen with Freddie in her arms. Ian came back from the living room, “I can’t find-“, he stopped when he saw Freddie. His nephew was holding Wooly.

“Why does Freddie have Wooly?”, Ian asked Tami.  
Tami looked at him confused, “Who?”  
Ian pointed at the stuffed animal, “The sheep.”  
Tami shrugged, “He was getting fidgety earlier, so I gave it to him.”  
“But it’s Amy’s sheep.”

Tami looked over to Mickey and Amy and then to Ian again and shrugged, “So? She didn’t use it at the moment and Freddie needed something.”  
“Now Amy needs it.”  
“But Freddie has it right now.”

Even Sandy just raised her eyebrows at that point and exchanged a look with Mickey that basically said: “The fuck is wrong with this bitch?”

“Tami, don’t make me take a toy away from my nephew, just give it back, it belongs to Amy.”  
“Maybe Amy has to learn how to share. Freddie would be getting upset if you take it away now.”  
“Share? It literally belongs to Amy. She doesn’t have to share it with anybody. You just took it without asking.”

Lip hesitantly came to watch the scene too but stayed in the doorway to the kitchen.

Tami rolled her eyes, “Why are you making such a fuss, she won’t die just because Freddie has the sheep now. He has it now, so Amy has to wait.”  
“Amy doesn’t have to wait. It belongs to her, not to you, not to Freddie. Just give it back, Amy gets upset when she doesn’t have it and she needs it to calm down.”  
“My son is getting upset too if you take it away from him now. Are you saying _that_ child is more important than mine?”

Ian’s patience was as good as gone by now and he considered just ripping the sheep out of Freddie’s hands.

“That child is _our_ child. And that sheep belongs to her. Just give it back, how hard can that be? If your son needs a plushie to not be upset, bring your own next time.”  
Lip cleared his throat, “Tami, just give them the sheep back, it’s Amy’s and she needs it more than Fred. He’s perfectly calm.”

“No. Why do we have to be accommodating the entire time? Fred has the sheep now. He’s getting upset too if it’s taken away from him now. But that’s unimportant just because they felt like adopting a retarded child!”

That was it.

Everyone in the room was silent.

But Ian was boiling with anger now. He had tried to be civil towards Tami, but this was it.

She just called their baby _retarded_.

Ian took the sheep and ripped it out of his nephew’s hands, not caring whether he made him cry or not, then took a step closer to Tami.

“You better fucking leave right now before I take your skull and smash it into the wall.”

Tami stared up at him with wide eyes.

Ian turned around to Lip, “You take your bitch of a girlfriend and leave my fucking house before I make your kid an orphan right now!”, he yelled at his brother. Lip quickly took his crying son from Tami, took her arm and pulled her out of the kitchen through the living room, took their things and went outside, not even putting his jacket and shoes on inside of the house.

Ian took a deep breath and then went over to Mickey and Amy. Sandy busied herself by stirring around in the pots for their dinner.

Ian gave Wooly to Amy, who was crying and sobbing, although quietly.  
“You startled her by screaming”, Mickey mumbled, “But good that you talked to her because I would have cracked her skull open and not just say it.”

Ian nodded and kissed the top of Mickey’s head.


	21. Crawling, Crying, Laughing Worm

It’s been two days since Tami’s outbreak in their home. Tami hadn’t tried to reach out, but Lip had texted and called a few times. Ian and Mickey were just too exhausted and too angry to deal with him.

Mickey came into the bedroom after a long day with Amy, he had been at the doctors with her, went grocery shopping with her and was alone with her the entire day, because Ian took a double shift and came home after ten.

Mickey yawned loudly and crawled into bed to his husband, who sat leaned against a pillow and was reading a book. Mickey looked at him and pulled on his t-shirt.

Ian smirked, took off his shirt and handed it to Mickey, “And if I’m cold it doesn’t matter, or what?”   
“You’re practically a heater, freckles, you’ll be fine. Also, if you bring that body closer to mine, you won’t be so cold anymore.”   
Mickey put on his husband’s shirt, it was warm and big and smelled like Ian and sweat, but not enough to smell disgusting.

Ian smiled and put an arm around his husband, who leaned against him, “Just let me finish this”   
Mickey looked at the page, “The fuck are you reading?”   
“Book about parenting.”   
Mickey looked up at him with raised eyebrows, “Why?”   
“Because I’m a parent?”

Mickey nodded, “Yeah, but I’m doing more parenting stuff than you, so are you just reading this to then criticize everything that I’m doing, because you think you know shit better than I do though I’m spending my entire day with her? Because that will end up being the reason for our divorce.”

Ian closed the book immediately and put it into the space between the bed and the wall, “Well, I’m just a dumb heater, let me heat”, he said and wrapped both arms around his husband.   
Mickey chuckled and kissed him, “You’re not _just_ a dumb heater.”   
“You’re so nice”, he smiled and ran his hand through Mickey’s hair, “Do you think I’m doing not enough with Amy?”

“No. We agreed to this: I took the time off to take care of her while you go to work. And don’t you think I noticed that you spend every free minute you have with Amy?”

  
“I just don’t want her to forget about me. There are days like today, where I didn’t even see her awake once. And she already loves you much more than me… you can calm her down better than I can, she doesn’t make such a fuss when you change her…”   
“That’s just because I spend more time with her, not because she doesn’t like you.”

Ian sighed against Mickey’s hair.   
“But since you started the topic, we gotta talk about what we do when my vacation time ends.”   
Ian nodded, “Since we both agree that we’re not giving Amy to Lip and Tami even if they would offer, I guess we have to look for affordable day care. We can’t leave her with Frank all the time.”

Mickey bit his bottom lip, “Actually,” he mumbled, “I was thinking about something different.”   
“Yeah, what?”   
“We can’t afford a good day care, also we’re both working in shifts, that doesn’t work with day care either. Amy needs special care; she could never make the progress she’s made so far in a day care.”   
“Yeah, I know, but what alternative do we have?”

Mickey scratched his nose, he shrugged, “I could stay home”, he finally said, “For the long run the only option is for one of us to quit his job and stay home with her for the next few years. You love your job and it’s paying well, while I’m underpaid, it’s a pretty shady company and since the whole robbery incident no one is trusting me there anymore anyways.”

“You would voluntarily quit your job and become a stay-at-home dad?”, Ian asked surprised.   
“Yes.”, Mickey shrugged, “I know it would mean all of our financial responsibilities to fall on you alone, but we can’t leave her just with anyone else, then we shouldn’t even bother adopting her.”   
“No, yeah, you’re right… I think it’s a great idea that you quit your job and take care of her, but money will get tight, we won’t be able to move out, ever.”

“I can get a job again when she’s in school or something in a few years. But til then, Milkoviches never needed real jobs to get money, when we’re tight I can always pull out the good old moving truck scam.”   
“Mick, no scams, please. Amy can’t have her papa in prison.”   
Mickey scoffed, “I wouldn’t let the cops catch me of course. But okay, there is the expired food scam I’ve got it in the back of my head for years now. The bastards at the amazon warehouse throw away perfectly fine food, I sell it to prison cooks and get us some cash. Police isn’t interested in that kind of shit.”

Ian chuckled, “I married a smart man without noticing somehow. Okay, if you’re okay with it, you quit your job and be a stay-at-home dad and I maybe pick up some extra shifts when we need more money. Only if there is no other option, you’re allowed to do the scams. You have to be a role model now, Mick.”   
“I can be a great role model in how to do scams. Do you know how much easier scamming people is if you have a cute kid to distract them?”   
“Mick, don’t you dare using Amy for your scams.”   
“I’m never allowed to do anything fun.”

Ian shook his head and kissed his lips, “Just tell me everything will be fine.”   
“Everything will be fine, Ian”, he said sincerely, “Just a bit longer and we officially adopted Amy and she will get so much better and then Tami’s eyes are gonna pop out of her skull when Amy ends up being better at things than Freddie.”

Ian bit his bottom lip and kept running his hand through Mickey’s hair, “I know we’re mad at Tami and Lip, but don’t start pitting the kids against each other. It’s not Freddie’s fault his mother is a bitch. He’s Amy’s cousin after all. We also can’t stay mad at them forever.”   
“Yeah? Watch me.”   
“Okay, maybe Tami. But Lip didn’t say anything.”   
“Exactly. He didn’t say anything”, Mickey pushed Ian’s arms away from him and sat up, “At first that bitch talks about my sister like she knows shit and Lip didn’t say anything. Then she forbids him to help us out with Amy because Mandy is her biological mom and Lip just went with it like a submissive little bitch and now Tami insulted our daughter and Lip didn’t say anything either. The two of you are always acting like family is holy to you, but when it comes to defending his niece, he’s all quiet and follows her around like a dog.”

Ian nodded and pulled him back down to him, “Not so loud, you’re gonna wake up Amy. But you’re right. I’m mad at him, too. Not forever though.”, he sighed, “Don’t get upset over those assholes, just go to sleep, you are exhausted. Good night.”   
“Night”, Mickey mumbled.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two weeks later.

Mickey sat in front of the couch; Amy sat on the couch. She was sitting perfectly fine while she was leaned against the back of it. Mickey carefully pulled her towards him, so she sat with only her own support. Mickey smiled at her. Amy was wiggling her little arms and tried to balance herself out and looked what would happen if she leaned to one side or the other – then she fell to one side. Mickey laughed light heartedly at her and sat her up again.

“Why do you enjoy seeing her falling over so much?”, Ian asked confused when he came to them from the kitchen.   
“When she can sit on her own, we can start feeding her solids. She’s getting good at this. Such a smart little baby making so much progress.”, he praised the baby who leaned towards him, her arms stretched out to him.

“Don’t overwhelm her though, you made her catch up on a lot of things in a short time.”   
“Make her? No, it’s just training, she’s being this good on her own. Just willpower in that tiny body. Also, it’s just physical things she is progressing in and she’s still not where her peers are, by the way.”   
“Not just physical”, Ian disagreed, “I heard her speaking more and more, too.”   
“Uttering seven Vowels a day counts as speaking now?”   
“Yes. She’s even stringing them together with consonants already. Two months ago, we didn’t even dream this would happen.”   
“So, you agree, she’s basically Einstein. Smartest child in the southside already.”   
“Yeah, totally.”, Ian nodded, “Just the thing with the crying so people come and take care of her, she doesn’t have that down yet.”

Mickey took Wooly from the ground and gave it to Amy. The baby cuddled her sheep and deliberately let herself fall on the couch. Mickey chuckled at her. Then he sighed and looked at Ian, “Did she ever smile at you when you were alone with her?”   
“Smile? Uhm, no. Why? Did she smile at you?”

Mickey shook his head, “Still nothing. But you make it easy for people to laugh at you, so I thought, maybe she did.”   
“Did you just call me funny or a dumbass?”   
“You’re always both”, Mickey grinned, “I just want our poor baby to laugh at us. She can also laugh at Wooly for all I care.”

Mickey sat Amy up again.   
Amy wiggled with her arms and started rocking back and for a few times before falling over again, “Oh!”, she said loudly.   
Mickey and Ian both laughed at her, while she started mouthing on Wooly’s fur.   
“Oh”, Ian repeated with a grin, “Might have been her loudest sound yet.”   
Mickey nodded proudly.

Someone came through the front door. Ian and Mickey looked up, Lip stood in the doorway, he looked back at them shamefully.   
“Can we talk?”, he asked eventually.

Mickey stood up, picked Amy up from the couch and went to the kitchen. Ian looked after him with a sigh, when he and Amy were gone, he turned around to his brother again. He crossed his arms in front of his chest, “What do you want?”

Lip walked up to the couch, so it stood between the brothers, he tapped his fingertips on the couch nervously.

“So?”, Ian asked.   
“I want to apologise for Tami.”   
“Did Tami ask you to do that?”   
“No”, Lip mumbled.   
“Is she against you apologising to us?”

Lip cleared his throat and bit his bottom lip.   
“Maybe we could all just come together, sit down and talk about it.”   
“We’re supposed to sit down with your girlfriend so she can insult our daughter again? No thanks.”   
“No, so she can apologise. And maybe you could apologise too, for screaming at her and threatening to beat her head in.”   
“Not gonna happen.”, Ian stated.

“Ian, please, I know Tami made a mistake. But you should also understand that this isn’t easy for her either.”   
“Not easy for her? We are the ones that from one day to the other had the responsibility for a special needs’ child. We needed a little fucking help from you, and you refused. And now you want to tell us it’s not easy for your girlfriend?”

“I didn’t refuse. I wanted to help you, but Tami-“   
“But Tami! You’re a grown-ass man capable of making your own decisions. We didn’t ask Tami to help us, Tami isn’t the one who is home the entire time with Fred. We asked you. We really needed help and we didn’t get any because Amy’s birth mom is your ex-girlfriend. You could have told her to get her shit together, you could have put your foot down on this. You didn’t.”

“It’s not that easy. Tami is my girlfriend, she is the mother of my son, Ian. I can’t just go against her wishes like that.”   
“It shouldn’t be her decision. You are the one who takes care of Fred, you were the one who wanted to help us. Because of your little slut of a girlfriend, I had to leave my daughter with Frank for two weeks. With _Frank_!”, he yelled at him, “Would you leave Freddie with Frank? Does that sound like a good thing to you?”

“No, of course not. I’m sorry for how that went down, but in the end, it wasn’t so bad, was it? Amy was fine and now you’re doing really great with her.”   
“No thanks to you.”   
“I know. But look, this whole Mandy’s baby thing is hard for Tami. We had a huge fight back then when that ring turned up again, because I’ve never told her about Mandy before. She made a huge fuss about it, I don’t think we ever talked about ex’s before, but it really bugged her that my ex-girlfriend was Mickey’s sister. I know that’s stupid, because Mandy isn’t here, but it upset her a lot. She said I kept her secret on purpose or something and that there clearly is unresolved tension between me and her because I was worried about her when the ring arrived.”

Ian rolled his eyes, “Your girlfriend is going crazy over the fact that you have ex-girlfriends and because of that she’s allowed to treat our daughter like shit? That’s what you’re trying to tell me?”

“No, of course not. I’m just trying to explain that Tami has issues with my ex being basically my sister-in-law now. She just feels like isn’t really part of the family, you know? She’s my son’s mother and my girlfriend of a few years now, but she still feels like she’s an outsider to this family, while my ex-girlfriend is my brother’s best friend, my brother-in-law’s sister and used to live here and was loved by Debbie as well.”

“That she isn’t closer to us is her own fault. She always acted like she’s better than us just because she had a bit more money growing up. If she wanted to be closer to the family, she could be open, do shit with us and talk like a normal human being. Instead, she insults a baby just because she’s the daughter of a girl that has gone missing four years ago.”

“We all know what she did was wrong, but maybe you can also try to understand her side and then we can come together, apologise to each other and everything is fine again.”

“She called my daughter retarded.”, Ian stated, “Retarded, Lip. At first, she forbids you to help us because of Amy’s birth mom who has nothing to do with this and whom she never met, then she steals Amy’s stuff and then she has the nerve to stand in our kitchen and call my baby-girl retarded. I’m not letting her do that and I’m not letting you excuse that. And for the record, Amy’s not even disabled, she has a developmental disorder, and Mickey and I are doing everything we can to help her, he quit his job for her and we’re pulling ourselves apart so she can get better while there’s no help from you, so why do you think you have the audacity to excuse Tami’s words towards us and Amy?”

Lip looked down at the couch in shame, he ran his hand through his hair, no idea what he was supposed to say.

“Also, she isn’t even sorry for it. Otherwise, she would have shown up here herself. I know she is home because you didn’t bring Freddie. She can’t come here and apologise, because she’s not sorry for what she said, instead you’re crawling into our house like a beaten dog and ask us to forgive her and apologise to her in return. No. Forget it. And now, please go home. I can’t spend a lot of time with Amy as it is and I don’t want to waste the time I have by listening to your nonsense.”, Ian said and turned around while shaking his head.

Lip turned around as well and headed for the door.   
“Oh, and by the way”, Ian said before either left the room, “I’m not buying the whole ‘Tami feels like she’s not part of the family’ shit for a second. Tami only has a problem with Amy, because since she’s here, people pay less attention to her and Freddie.”

Ian went to his husband and child in the kitchen and smiled when he heard the front door shutting. Ian kissed Mickey and took Amy from him.

“Did you hear what he said?”, Ian asked Mickey.   
“Wasn’t easy to overhear. Who does that bitch think she is, honestly? Mandy has never been important to Lip and Tami puts her up as the big bad reason why she’s a dick to our child.”   
“She’s been important to him”, Ian disagreed, “He was in love with her.”   
“Was he? Mandy didn’t notice. She left this place with that fucking boyfriend because of Lip. Because he treated her like shit.”   
“I know. He was in love with her though. He’s a dumbass, but I think he loved her more than any other girlfriend he ever had, Tami too. But that still doesn’t give her the right to say what she said.”

Mickey scoffed, “No it doesn’t. And I’m done with being silent about these things. It’s Lip’s fault that Mandy left, it’s his fault that she gets beaten bloody by an abusive boyfriend. I ignored that for the sake of peace with your brother for long enough. Now his bitch tries to use her as justification to be horrible to our baby? I’m done with it. They can live in their fucking pretty house and raise their averagely intelligent and developed son and stay the fuck gone from us. No uncle Lip or Aunt Tami for this part of the family.”

Ian sighed, “No uncle Lip for Amy, ever? Isn’t that a bit harsh?”  
“No. Amy doesn’t need that, and we don’t need that stress and that fucking whining the entire time. You’re working like a dog and I’m so far that I read every article I can find and even your fucking book about childcare while sleeping about five hours tops each night. Next time I hear her spewing that kind of bullshit, I can’t guarantee for anything anymore.”

Ian nodded, “I understand. If you want to, you can take a nap and I spend some exclusive Amy-and-Daddy time with her.”   
Mickey shook his head, “No, I’m good. But you can still do that, I watch you and find you sexy from the side-line.”, he smirked and kissed him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ian and Lip didn’t talk since November. Tami didn’t dare to show up at the house at all. Lip and his little family spent Thanksgiving with Tami’s family instead of the Gallagher’s.

For Christmas, Lip and Freddie came alone, Tami refused to come to the Gallagher house, Lip was texting the entire day with her instead of helping with food or presents. Mickey and Ian ignored him.

Freddie on the other hand was thrilled to be back at the house and see his aunts and uncles again. While Amy could sit on her own without needing support for a while now, Freddie was proudly crawling over the floor and, due to Lip being busy fighting with Tami over the phone, had to be stopped by his aunt from putting junk into his mouth several times. Franny played with Freddie and was applauding him when he managed to stand on his own little feet while holding on to a chair. Amy was watching Freddie intensely for a while, at some point, Mickey sat down with her on the ground to play with her and Freddie came crawling to them to play with Amy (at least that’s how Mickey interpreted Freddie pushing a ball to Amy and laughing brightly when Amy slapped the ball, so it rolled back to him).

Amy was watching Freddie crawling quickly over the floor, she was downright fascinated by it. Mickey was even more fascinated when Amy let herself fall from her sitting position and held herself up right with her twig arms like she had seen her cousin doing it. Mickey kept his hands to himself, although he wanted to help her, but he even more so wanted to see if Amy could figure out how to do this on her own.

At some point Ian came into the living room to see his husband staring dumbfounded at the two children, Freddie was shooting the ball towards Amy, who slapped against it to shoot it back to Freddie and when Freddie crawled away to get the ball back, Amy made a wonky attempt in mirroring the action, before falling over again, unphased by it she sat up again and waited for Freddie come back.

Mickey looked up at Ian, “Our child is benefiting from social interaction.”, he stated like it was the weirdest thing that could happen today, “How did that happen?”   
Ian chuckled, “Maybe she’s just being competitive?”   
Mickey looked at Amy and Freddie again, “Yeah that would make more sense with us as parents”, he mumbled.

On New Year’s Eve, Ian had asked Lip to come over and spend it with them. He even said, Tami could come, and that Amy and Freddie had fun on Christmas and that they could play again on New Year’s Eve.

Tami wasn’t thrilled when she heard Lip accepted the invitation without talking to her first, but this was his family and he tried to fix what Tami had broken with her comments about Amy, so Tami would either come with them or stay home, but Lip and Freddie were going.

Of course, usually a Gallagher New Year’s Eve Party would have meant loud music and a lot of alcohol – but Mickey and Ian were strictly against the music being very loud. They of course couldn’t forbid the Gallagher’s of all people to get drunk, but they and Lip didn’t drink themselves.

“So, Tami won’t come anymore?”, Ian asked Lip in the kitchen.   
Lip shook his head, “No, she spends the night with some friends I think.”   
Ian nodded and sighed, “You know, Mickey and I will probably never like Tami. But you’re still my brother and Freddie and Amy are cousins… we just think that they should be able to grow up together, Amy benefits from it and they seem to like each other.”

Lip smiled, “Yeah, I’d like them to be close, too… Not as close as Mickey was with his cousin, though”, he said and looked over his shoulder to Sandy.   
Ian started laughing brightly, “No, better not. More like us… but Tami has to accept that they’re cousins.”   
Lip nodded, “She will. And she will apologise, too… she’s just too proud.”

From the living room one of the babies started crying. Lip and Ian quickly went to the living room.   
“What happened?”, Lip asked while picking up Freddie, who was crying, while Amy sat about a foot away from him, Mickey had watched them from the couch.   
“Nothing wild, they were playing with the ball, Amy pushed it back too hard and it hit him in the face by accident.”, Mickey explained calmly.

Amy looked at her cousin who was comforted by Lip, she started pointing at Freddie and looked at Mickey. Ian picked her up. She put both her tiny hands on his cheeks and then pointed at Freddie again while making an “O” sound.

“Yes, Freddie is crying huh, look when the ball hit his face that hurt him, so he is crying.”, he turned to his brother, “Is it bad?”   
“No, he was just startled, I think.”

After he calmed Freddie down again, they sat both children back on the ground and Mickey sat down to them, too, and gave them the ball back.   
“I’ll stay with you for a bit”, Ian announced and sat down next to him.   
“If you have everything under control here, I’d like to go upstairs for a minute and try to call Tami.”   
Ian nodded and Lip went upstairs.

Mickey watched the kids adoringly, sometimes he was afraid he wasn’t able to handle all of the love and the pride Amy instilled in him. Ian smiled at Mickey and kissed his cheek.   
“I love you”, Ian whispered.   
Mickey smiled back at him, “Love you, too”, he kissed him on the lips while the babies were crawling through the living room, trying to retrieve the ball that one of them had shot too far.

When Mickey leaned back from the kiss, he was surprised to find that both babies were not where they had sat a minute ago. Mickey stood up to look behind the couch and gasped lightly. Ian came to him and looked over the couch too.

Amy was slowly crawling over the floor to her cousin who had caught the ball by now. Amy was a little wonky, sometimes she slipped when she was too eager and started the next move before finishing the first – but she was crawling. Mickey was pushing against Ian’s arm, “Get your phone, dumbass.”

Ian chuckled, took his phone out of his pants and started recording Amy’s first real distance crawl. She crawled all the way to Freddie, who sat by the staircase, Amy reached him, she promptly slapped the ball out of Freddie’s hands. Freddie laughed and both started chasing the ball – Freddie of course was trained in this kind of moving and was way faster than Amy, but her attempt was amazing though.

After spending the day with Freddie, Amy was exhausted. They had to put her sooner to bed than usual.   
“Great”, Mickey mumbled, “If she’s benefiting this much from spending time with Freddie, I’m gonna have to spend so much extra time with your brother.”

Ian smiled and went to the window, “You’ll survive it”, he said and looked outside.   
“Don’t open the window it’s freezing outside”, Mickey mumbled. The entire neighbourhood was covered in knee-high snow – Mickey hated it.

“I’m just looking whether people already get the fireworks out. I don’t want her to wake up from it later.”   
“I think that’s inevitable.”, Mickey shrugged, “I don’t care, but I’m getting my midnight kiss tonight.”   
Ian chuckled and kissed his cheek, “You will”, he promised, “I know it’s the only holiday tradition you enjoy.”   
“That’s not true, I also enjoy Valentine’s day sex… and Christmas Hot Chocolate with Baileys and Cuddles, but don’t tell your siblings.”   
Ian smirked and wrapped his arms around him, “Why don’t you let people see that you can be a softie from time to time… although you’re just a holiday softie.”   
“It’s called Husband-privilege.”   
“Hmm, I love having husband-privilege.”, he mumbled and kissed him softly, “We should go downstairs again to the others.”   
“No”, Mickey mumbled, “Let’s take a bit more time for ourselves. We can still join them for a beer later. As long as they think we’re putting Amy to bed, they’re not gonna disturb us.”

Ian smirked, let go of Mickey and closed their door properly. Mickey lay down on the bed, Ian glanced into Amy’s bed again and then crawled into bed with his husband.

“Did you ever think you’d choose cuddles over beer?”, Ian mumbled amused while pulling Mickey into his arms.   
“Of course, the beer in linked to your entire exhausted family, cuddles mean bed, warm, you. Not a hard choice… though I wouldn’t mind a beer up here with us.”   
Ian smiled and kissed his temple.

They dozed off for a while, at some point, Ian went downstairs to get some snacks and beer, informing his siblings that Amy was being “quite fuzzy” and had a “light sleep” so they would probably stay upstairs for most of the night. Amy was sleeping soundly, but Ian and Mickey enjoyed their couple time far too much to go downstairs to be annoyed by a bunch of people now. They had a lazy make out (neither felt comfortable fucking with Amy in the same room) and then just cuddled, watched something on Ian’s phone and talked about their life, love and daughter.

Their peace was disturbed when the Gallagher’s downstairs screamed “Happy New Year” and then the fireworks outside started.   
“Happy New Year”, Ian whispered and kissed Mickey passionately.

The fireworks were extremely loud in contrast to the sort of silence that they had before (they had been able to hear the Gallagher’s from downstairs the entire time and in between Lip had fought with Tami over the phone in Debbie’s room next to them, but it was as quiet as it could get for them)

“I used to enjoy this holiday tradition as well”, Mickey mumbled, “But shit, they have no regard for babies that live through this do they? Or Parents of babies… Especially parents of babies.”   
Ian chuckled and kissed him again. The tried to ignore the fireworks for a while and eventually decided to go downstairs to the rest to wish them a happy new year as well. Just when they moved away from Amy’s crib a loud crying erupted from her suddenly.

Mickey and Ian froze and quickly ran back to the bed. Amy was crying, she was obviously woken up by the fireworks, but she was also screaming. No silent crying, she was flinching at the big, loud explosions outside, and screamed her tiny lungs out.

Mickey picked her up and started rocking her in her arms, Ian took Wooly from the crib and put it into Amy’s arms while trying to soothe her by stroking over her thin, black hair.

“I think we should agree to never tell Lip and Tami how much Amy progresses from just a couple of hours of playing with Fred, they’ll think too highly of themselves.”, Mickey whispered. Ian couldn’t help but laugh, while they tried to calm Amy down.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

By the end of January Amy was an experienced little crawler and Mickey could barely keep up with her. He was chasing through the house the entire day, every day he had to sit her into the playpen for an hour and clean the living room before he could allow Amy to go on adventure tour in the house.

Yes, Mickey had to clean up. He had to clean up behind Frank and his other in-laws. He hated it with a passion, and it put him in an awful mood on principle, but the other option was Amy slamming her palm into a pin that lay randomly on the ground or getting her quick hands on a pair of scissors or slapping a leftover cup or bowl from the coffee table or putting pieces of _What the fuck even is this_ into her mouth. With all the obstacles out of the way, she spent a great deal of her time biting the coffee table (because of this Mickey had to deep clean it every day before letting Amy wander around) and throwing things through the living room to then crawl to them and bring them back to Mickey. Mickey couldn’t even be mad or annoyed with her or Ian, although he was exhausted as hell, because compared to how she had acted a few months ago when she came to them, this was heaven. (He got mad pretty quickly at the other Gallagher’s though when they decided to annoy him even more after finally being done with Amy for the day.

Dr Spielsdorf was very pleased with Amy’s progress, too, so was the social Worker. Mickey had truly never seen Ian happier than the one afternoon, when he came through the door, and Amy let out a loud squeak and crawled over to him in a flash to say hello. She was still pretty quiet, only screamed in absolute emergency cases (she only screamed at night, but Mickey hoped they were emergency cases, because other things weren’t really worth waking up for) and her production of syllables and babbling with sentence structure was not comparable to Freddie at all, but on a level that was not concerning anymore.

Ian came home from morning shift, he took as many morning shifts as possible, because it meant he could at least spend the afternoons with Amy and take some work off his husband’s hands. When he got home Amy and Mickey weren’t in the living room. In the kitchen, the washing machine was running, most of the dishes were done and apart from Amy’s toys on the living room floor it looked tidy.

“Someone is getting some extra attention tonight”, he mumbled to himself. He went upstairs, he didn’t want to call out for the two of them, in case at least one of them was sleeping, but napping time should be over for more than an hour now.

He quietly went to their bedroom. Amy sat on the dresser they were using as changing table and Mickey stood in front of her, playing with her feet while putting socks on them.

“Hey, you two”   
Mickey looked to him and smiled, “Hey, Amy look, Daddy is home.” Amy shifted her weight and raised her head to look for Ian, she started giving each of them tiny smiles for a few days now, she smiled more with her eyes than with her mouth though (that’s how Ian put it, Mickey was satisfied with the tiny corners of her mouth curling upwards upon seeing either of them.)   
“Hey Amy, did you have a fun day with papa?”   
Amy answered with a few syllables and then stuck her tongue out to him.

“Super fun”, Mickey said, “She perfected the skill of taking her socks off and throwing them across the room. One landed in the diaper I just tried to change, so I threw both of them away.”   
“Sounds like she has a perfect aim though”, Ian said and started laughing about the visual he created in his head.

Mickey shook his head and then started laughing too.   
“If she doesn’t turn out to be as small as me, she could consider a career as basketball player.”, he laughed and picked Amy up, “Hm, you’re gonna be a star, aren’t you?”   
“Maybe she’s gonna be in little league and continue the amazing Milkovich tradition of pissing on first base in front of your future husband”, Ian said, remembering almost fondly the outrage on the field back then when they were ten or something, the coach threw him out of the team and years later, when Ian had been 16, they had sex in the dugouts and Mickey had said “I always wanted to do that here, since that bitch of a coach threw me off the team”

“Better not”, Mickey cringed, and both started laughing even harder, because, damn they used to be stupid as fuck children, “You’re gonna be better behaved than us, right?”   
“With us as parents, sure, because we’re so fucking polite”, Ian laughed.

Amy stretched her arms out, she was smiling wider than before, and put her hands on Mickey’s cheeks, squishing his face together, which in return, made her laugh. The bright baby laugh made Ian stop and stare at her in wonder.

“Are you laughing at papa”, Ian smiled, “Little Ames can laugh after all, huh?”   
Amy released Mickey’s face, who was grinning at her widely, he kissed her cheek, which made her laugh again and again while looking from her daddy to her papa.

“Look at you, little perfect thing”, he whispered, for some reason feeling highly emotional from his baby laughing out loud for the first time.   
Ian kissed his cheek, “You look like you’re about to cry.”   
“Fuck you, I’m not”, Mickey shook his head and leaned his forehead against Amy’s, “I’m just fucking exhausted that’s all. Cleaning, grocery shopping, watching Amy all that shit.”   
Ian nodded and took Amy out of his arms, she was still smiling and giggling, “Then go take a nap for a while, Amy and I play something together, right little worm?”

  
“Don’t call her a worm”, Mickey mumbled and sat down on the bed.”   
“No, I was meaning you.”, Ian smirked, ran a hand through his hair and left the room, “Papa takes a nap, you wore him out.”

Mickey smiled and let himself fall on the mattress.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have a pronounciation exam this week -.-   
> And next week I have exams in civil law and Math/Logic. The week after that in Linguistics and Sytax (that's one exam together tho)   
> And THEN I will still have to write some fucking paper on RL Stevenson.   
> Kill me now


	22. Everything has changed (to the better)

They were enjoying the beginning of a warm summer shortly after Amy’s second Birthday.   
A lot has changed in Ian’s and Mickey’s lives.

“Daddy” was only used by Amy or when referring to Ian in his father role.   
Playing Pirate now happened fully dressed and was about Amy jumping on the couch while wielding a toy sword and hunting for treasures in the garden with Mickey.   
Role-Playing as Legolas and Gimli only happened when Mickey called Amy Elven princess (Mickey was still taken to Orgasmgard a lot, just not while Amy was in the room)

And yet, Ian and Mickey couldn’t be happier.   
Recently, Frank moved out of the house and back to Sheila yet again, and Mickey, Ian and Debbie used the chance to turn the new free room into a room for Franny and Amy. Which meant more sex for Ian and Mickey again, if Amy wouldn’t decide to sleep in their bed every second night after all.

Ian was in the kitchen, he washed up the last dish and then went to the living room, he would have to go to late shift soon.

Mickey and Amy sat on the couch, Mickey was armed with a hairbrush and sparkling hair ties with fake flowers on them. They wanted to hit the playground in the park today and Mickey didn’t want her hair to fall into her face all the time, so he tried to put it into two buns on the top of her head, Ian had never seen his husband as concentrated as when he tried to follow a YouTube Toddler Hair tutorial.

Ian walked around the couch and smiled at Amy, who was playing with Wooly while Mickey pushed a few stray hairs into place.

“Finished”, Mickey said proudly, “What do you think.” Amy carefully touched the two knots on her head.   
“Looks so cute”, Ian smiled and stroked over Amy’s cheek, “Like two little horns.”   
“Horns?”, Mickey asked and turned Amy around to him.   
“Devil horns” Ian nodded.

Amy showed her tiny teeth, formed her hands to claws and growled “Arrgh”   
Mickey and Ian both started laughing and Mickey kissed her cheek.

“You’re gonna make a lot of new friends at the playground today”, Ian said to her and stroked over her head.   
“Be careful with that, it’s more complicated than it looks.”   
“Daddy, comf to pak?”, Amy asked Ian.   
“No, sweety, sorry, Daddy has to go to work. But Tuesday I’m off work, maybe-“

  
“Tuesday Debbie and I take the girls to the zoo.”, Mickey informed him, “But if you’re not too tired you can come with us.”  
“Zoo!”, Amy shouted excited.   
“Yeah, that sounds good. And Wednesday after that?”   
“Doctor check-up around noon, maybe after that?”   
“I have a night shift, the following day, I have to get to bed early in the afternoon”, Ian said and sighed disappointed, “Maybe I can at least play with her Wednesday morning. Speaking off, I have to run. Have a great day you two”, he kissed his husband and his daughter and left the house with slumped shoulders.   
“Bye Daddy”, Amy shouted after him.

“Okay, Amy, go get your shoes”, Mickey said put Amy down from the ground. The girl ran to the front door to get her new sandals. She even put her shoes on by herself (she switched the shoes and Mickey had to take them off and put them on her again)

They left the house and Mickey drove her to the park in her stroller. Usually, they went to a playground closer to the Gallagher house, but since Amy ended up playing with a heroin needle, Mickey didn’t want to go there anymore.

The new playground was in a slightly better area. Slightly really just meant slightly, it meant that the parents there wouldn’t be passed out while watching their kids. And it meant Mickey would deem the children good enough to play with Amy – this was exactly the plan.

In summer Mickey took Amy to the playground all the time. Ian and Mickey had buried the hatched with Lip a long time ago, they were still wary around Tami though and wouldn’t let Amy stay overnight at Lip’s place. Lip and Freddie often came with Mickey and Amy to the playground, the park or the zoo when they could afford it. When they went somewhere without Freddie and Lip, Mickey usually sat next to Amy the entire time and built sandcastles with her and played with her.

Today it was supposed to be different. He would sit on a bench like the other parents and let Amy play alone, so she could build some friendships with the children there. The whole thing was Ian’s idea since he thought Mickey would scare other children away so they wouldn’t play with Amy (which was more or less true) and Amy needed to learn how to interact with children her age other than her cousin.

Several other families (exclusively mothers, to be exact) had the same idea as Mickey today. Little boys and girls, most of them carefully colour-coded in pastel and navy tones, were running around the playground. Amy seemed to fit nicely into their age group. Around them formed a half-circle of white women in their thirties on benches. There were some exceptions, but they seemed to be the dominating type though.

Mickey sat down on a bench as well and helped Amy out of the stroller.   
Amy was looking excitedly at the new playground and pulled her sandcastle building tools from the pocket under the stroller.

“Wait, wait, wait. Before you can go and play we need to put the sunscreen on you.”, Mickey said, picked her up and sat her down on her knee, he already had the sunscreen out of a bag and opened. The girl had the typical Milkovich-Vampire-whiter-than-paper skin, that rarely even got tanned. She didn’t get sunburns as quickly as Ian, but if she would get one, Mickey wouldn’t be able to sleep for the next few days, because she would be up all night in pain and scratching herself, like the one time Ian played with her in the garden last summer and both of them looked like they fell into fire with their backs. Somehow, Ian just wasn’t physically able to remember putting sunscreen on himself and this sometimes extended to Amy. Been there, done that, never again.

Mickey would write “Ian is not to be trusted with Sunscreen responsibility” on his headstone in the end.

Amy and Ian both had the same problem with the stuff:  
“It's sticky”, Amy complained.   
“Either that or you’re getting up in flames like a baby-vampire. How am I supposed to explain that to daddy, huh?”   
Amy sighed annoyed while she let Mickey put the sunscreen everywhere.

“Now?”, she asked impatiently when Mickey finished putting the scream on her nose and cheeks as well.   
“Yes”, he smiled.

Amy excitedly picked up her bucket.   
“Wait, just one more thing. Let me have a look at what you’re taking with you. You need to bring everything back when we leave, okay?”   
Amy loved showing off her stuff, so she didn’t mind pulling out her things from the bucket and showing them to her papa one by one.

A bright red plastic sand scoop. “Dis”   
A blue sieve. “Dis”   
A green rake. “Dis. Greeen”, she said and showed all of her small teeth.   
Some moulds in the shapes of fish and seashells. “Dis. Dis. Dis and Dis green too.”

“Right, you love green, huh?”   
Amy nodded and put her things into the bucket again.   
“Okay, Amy, you know daddy bought these for you just two weeks ago. They’re all new, not the old ones from your uncle anymore, so you have to be careful with them and bring back all of them when we leave later. Understood?”   
“Yes.”, she said and picked up the bucket with both hands.   
“Who does the stuff belong to? Whose is it?”   
“Mine”, Amy grinned widely.   
“Right you are, no other kid is allowed to take them away. If someone steals from you or is mean to you, just come to me and I’ll deal with it, okay?”

“Yes”, she was looking to the playground and the large sand area.   
“Okay, no you can go. Build a castle and make some new friends.”

Amy grinned widely and waddled off to the sand area, holding the bucket with both hands in front of her.

Mickey smiled and leaned back on the bench to relax.   
He loved his daughter more than anything, sure. But she was very exhausting sometimes. She was an energetic toddler and on some days acted like a hamster on speed, all the while still using a diaper and getting bad behaviour episodes when hungry.

Sometimes, she was having real meltdowns, even violent outbreaks when she started to feel hungry. Dr Spielsdorf said it was probably connected to her childhood trauma of often not being fed for hours as a baby while being hungry. She was having a reaction to the memory of going hungry for hours, which sometimes, although rarely, resulted in violent behaviour against everything within reach.

And while having to deal with all that, he was the only one who was constantly home, so the Gallaghers started expecting him to do chores around the house – all of the chores, preferably. At the beginning of staying home with Amy, he had actually done a lot, cooking and doing laundry, because Amy wasn’t moving and throwing herself into danger every other minute yet. Now he was glad when he could get a wink of sleep while Amy took her nap, he did as many dishes as he could while Amy was eating and did some laundry when Amy was calm and he could do a few quick things in the kitchen while she watched or busied herself with her toys.

Luckily, Amy had recently found a new hobby in sorting socks together, so Mickey could busy her with that while he took care of the rest of the laundry. But he never got done a lot around the house, certainly not as much as the Gallaghers wanted him to.

So far, only one of them had dared to point it out to him once.   
“The house looks like a mess, what the hell are you even doing all day, if you’re not even cleaning those few dishes?”, Carl had asked, referring to the entire pile of dirty plates, glasses, pots and pans that fell victim to dinner the night before.   
Mickey almost jumped at his throat, luckily, Ian held him back and called Carl out. Ian often felt guilty for not spending enough time with Amy, but Mickey would never be angry with him about that because, for one, he devoted all his free time to Mickey and her and tried to take some tasks off Mickey’s hands, and two, he was always there to defend Mickey and Amy, to stand up to people questioning Mickey as a parent, and to support him in just the right ways (which most days really was just a shoulder to lean on, arms wrapped around him or some sweet forehead kisses while whispering “You’re doing amazing”)

So, Mickey wanted to take this new phase of “not being a helicopter parent” and “letting Amy make her experiences with other children” (that’s how Ian had put it) to relax for at least an hour a day, while still being a responsible parent and not letting Amy out of his sight for even a second.

Mickey sighed contently and smiled while watching Amy starting to dig a hole, she stopped, turned to him, grinned, waved and got back to work.

His little break was soon disturbed when one of the other moms cleared her throat and scooted closer from the other side of the bench. Mickey wondered if ignoring her would be an option.

“Excuse me, uhm, hi – hello? You?”   
Mickey bit his lip shortly and then turned to her, “Yes?”   
“Hi”, she said with a fake smile, “I’m Klarissa. Klarissa with a K. I’ve never seen you here before.”   
Mickey groaned internally, small talk with soccer moms really wasn’t what he needed right now.

“She had enough of the old playground”, he said simply and nodded his head towards Amy.  
“So you don’t live around here, I suppose?”   
Mickey looked at her, “No. Why? Does the access to the park and playground depend on my zip code?”

Klarissa leaned back uncomfortably, “You just seem like you come from another part of the city, that’s all… but your daughter looks lovely”, she said quickly with a smile, no even faker than before.

Mickey wondered, who that woman thought she was. It’s not like the park was in the high society are of Northside Chicago and she was a doctor’s wife. She was a doctors affair, at best.

Mickey turned away from her with an eye-roll and looked back to Amy, another girl now sat by her and seemed to want to play with her.

“I just wanted to say”, Klarissa said now, and Mickey swiftly wondered, if used, AIDS ridden needles were really that much worse than this, “It’s important for kids to learn how to share.”

Mickey looked at her again with a raised eyebrow now, “Come again?”   
“Just, how you made her repeat that it was _her_ stuff and all that. She can only make friends if she shared her toys.”   
“But it is _her_ stuff.”, Mickey said, putting as much emphasis on the word as Klarissa had, “That shit’s expensive and if some little spawn tries to steal it from her, she’s supposed to give ‘em a piece of mind before I have to. She can make friends with kids who can ask her if she wants to share.”

Klarissa blinked heavily at every swearword that left Mickey’s mouth.   
“If you use those words around the children, they might repeat them, please stop it.”   
Mickey looked over to the kids, there were 10 feet away, at least, “Yeah, I doubt she heard me.”

“I just wanted to give some parental advice”, she said defensively, “I’m not sure your wife”, she pointed at his ring, “Would appreciate what you teach her daughter.”

Mickey absolutely hated being critiqued as it was. But when some dumb little mommy (or anyone really) tried to tell him how to parent his daughter? He could get aggressive quite easily. Also, how she had said those words “your wife” “her daughter” – bitch what? Even if he would be straight, Amy would still be his daughter.

Mickey leaned closer to her, so she could see the anger on his face.   
“First of all, I don’t have a wife. Second, fuck off to your side of the bench, shut your dumb botox face and care about your own kid.”

Klarissa looked at him surprised and appalled and quickly scooted back to the other side of the long bench. Mickey shook his head, sighed and watched Amy.

He noticed how Klarissa with K got up and went to a group of women (they could have been clones) and whispered something to them, then they all looked at him.   
They would make terrible spies, Mickey thought, he took his phone out and decided to text Lip. Maybe he could use him as a shield against the women.

Mick: do you have Freddie today? Am at the new playground with Amy

Lip-in-law: sorry, Freddie is with Tami, she has the day off

Lip-in-law: I can ask her if she wants to bring Freddie to the playground tho if you want?

Mick: no, I already have a swarm of annoying blond moms that want to steal Amy’s shit here

Lip-in-law: will you ever let that go?

Mick: nah

Lip-in-law: any other day I wouldn’t mind hitting the park with you and the kids, but I gotta get back to work

Lip-in-law: good luck with the other moms

Mickey put his phone away again and sighed. Amy was playing with the other girl now, at least she seemed happy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mickey did the entire feeding, washing, brushing storytime business by himself as usual. He stayed in the room until Amy was asleep and then stayed in his bedroom for a while to enjoy the silence.

Around ten, when the living room had slowly cleared out, he went back downstairs to wait for Ian on the couch.

Mickey was impatiently looking from his phone to the door. Ian needed around half an hour from the station home, if he picked up dinner, he needed around 45 minutes, if he picked up dinner and ate it there it would take over an hour, if he picked up dinner, at it there and has a colleague with him, it was possible that he would need two hours to come home.

Ian of course was skilled at being a supportive husband by now. He knew well, that Mickey would need someone to talk about the first day at the new playground with him just sitting back and not interfering with what Amy was doing unless she was putting herself in danger. So he only picked up a burger, fries, extra fries for Mickey and went straight home.

As he had suspected, Mickey was lying on the couch, waiting for him.   
“Hey”, Ian smiled, came over and kissed him.   
“Hey, how was work?”   
“Stressful”, he shrugged, “But okay.”, he took off his shoes and jacket, “Do you want to tell me about your day visit to the park?”

Mickey had waited for this.   
“It was awful. Truly fucking awful. The other place is probably better, I fucking swear, those people are so annoying”, he started ranting immediately.

“Was something the matter with Amy? Wouldn’t the kids play with her?”   
“Amy was fine. She played with some kid, had a lot of fun, fell asleep on the way home – it’s the parents!”   
Ian chuckled, “Could you tell me in the kitchen, while I eat?”

Mickey followed Ian to the kitchen.   
“The second I got there, I knew we were wrong there. You should have seen it! A whole army of Karens. At least a hundred of moms with fake tan, bleached hair, in cheap jogging suits and all with the same Starbucks Fuckkerchinos with Shit-drizzle and who knows what else.”

Ian smiled and put his food on the table, he pushed the box with extra fries to his husband.   
“For you”   
Mickey paused in his rant and sighed, “I married the right one”, he mumbled and pushed a fry into his mouth, while Ian chuckled.

“Anyways”, Mickey said while munching on his fries, “The kids! All colour-coded to the extreme. Why is this still a thing? Like, I don’t care what genitals your toddler has, Klarissa, stop dressing her in frilly pink tulle dresses for the fucking playground! But then complaining about the dress getting dirty – of course, it gets dirty! Your daughter is three, she’s rolling around in the sand like she’s mad, it’s what they do.”

Ian smiled, “We buy pink clothes for Amy too.”   
“No, you buy pink clothes for Amy. I buy badass black shirts that say things like ‘Straight outta naptime’ and if I buy something with colour for her, it’s green, because that’s her favourite colour.”   
“Maybe pink is the other girls favourite colour.”   
“Sure, all of them love pink and all the boys love blue and brown. That’s likely. “  
“Still, you don’t know what’s going on there. You often let Amy decide what she wants to wear, maybe that girl chose the frilly dress.”

Mickey looked at him for a moment, “Could you just let me vent without trying to be reasonable or some shit?”   
Ian smiled, “Okay, go on.”

“Good, because now I’m getting to the real bad part. That one bitch really tried to tell me how to parent my own daughter!”   
“No, what?”, Ian reacted as shocked and appalled as he could muster.   
“Too much”, Mickey informed him and Ian only grinned, “I just told Amy to take care of her stuff, that it belongs to her and that she has to bring back all of it when we leave. And this little bitch comes up to me all ‘uh you should teach her how to share’ – I never said she’s not allowed to share. But stealing is not sharing, bitch!”

“Was it Tami?”, Ian asked amused.   
“Tami at least is so smart to shut her mouth about things like that, by now.”   
Ian nodded and finished his burger, he wiped off his hands on his jeans and got some soda from the fridge.   
“And after I told her to leave alone and take care of her own kid, she went to all the other mothers and told them I’m the bad one or some shit.”

Ian walked back to the table and kissed the top of Mickey’s head, “But Amy had fun, yeah?”   
“Yes”, Mickey shrugged.   
“Then you can just ignore the other parents. Amy needs some friends and she can make friends at that playground.”   
Mickey rolled his eyes, “She has two cousins. Also, Willet now gave birth to her baby, I bet Amy could be friends with that one. Willet is nice, I can live with spending time with her if our kids are friends.”

“Mick…”   
“Yeah, yeah, I’ll go to that fucking new place again. But those women are a species for themselves, honestly. I hate them.”   
“Just concentrate on yourself”, Ian said softly, “You’re supposed to use the time to relax while watching Amy.”   
“There’s not much relaxing with or without the Klarissa with K, Amy came running back and forth asking for snacks or a drink or how beautiful her sandcastle is or how deep the hole is she dug with the other kid.”

Ian smiled and pecked his lips, “You’re a great dad, you know? No matter what those other mothers think.”

Mickey smiled at him, “Amy sleeps in her own bed tonight, in the new room.”   
“Oh, it’s an uneven day, then, huh?”   
“More importantly, our bed is free.”   
Ian smirked and kissed him again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

July

Ian was home in the afternoon, it was rainy outside, so they stayed indoors.   
Because of the rain, Amy decided to play pirates, the sofa was the pirate ship and the armchair on the other side was the bad pirate ship. Amy was the captain, Wooly was the first mate and Ian manned the cannons, while Mickey played the bad pirate. In the end, Amy decided that she could control the big Kraken in the ocean and won the battle by throwing Mickey’s octopus plushie at him. After a very dramatic death scene, which threw Amy into a laughing fit, Mickey prepared dinner for Ian and Amy.

Ian had a morning shift the next day and had to go to bed around the same time as Amy today.   
Ian folded the laundry in the meantime, Amy stood on a chair next to him and sorted the socks, matching every sock with its “brother”.

Franny came down to the kitchen, she picked Amy up and hugged her, “Amy do you want to play with me? Do you want to play with me with the dolls?”   
“Franny not now”, Debbie shouted from the living room, “Come here and help me clean up, sweetie. Dinner will be ready soon.”

“Dolls”, Amy said excitedly.   
“Amy, no, playtime is over. You’re going to bed soon”, Ian said and picked her up, “Franny, go help your mom, please.”

Franny sighed annoyed and helped Debbie cleaning up the chaos leftover from their pirate game.   
Ian put Amy into her highchair and started putting the dishes on the table.

Amy was talking and singing nonsense, while the rest of the Gallaghers flooded into the kitchen. Ian grinned and kissed Mick’s cheek whenever he walked past him. “You’re such a sap”, Mickey mumbled the third time, so Ian squeezed his ass in response, making Mickey chuckle.

After dinner, Mickey and Ian stayed sitting at the table with Amy until the other siblings left.   
“So, bedtime for Amy”, Mickey said and raked his fingers through Amy’s long black hair. Amy leaned into his hand with a smile.   
“No”, she said.   
“Yes, little miss, sleepy time.”   
Amy shook her head and took her already empty cup, knowing she wouldn’t have to go to bed as long as she was still eating.

Ian chuckled, “Come on Amy”, he said, stood up and picked her up, “Daddy is having bedtime duty tonight, I’ll read you a story, you can decide which story while we brush our teeth, yeah?”   
“Pirates!”, Amy exclaimed, “Buk about Pirates”   
“The pirates book, again?”, Ian smiled, “Okay, Pirate-princess.”

Ian kissed Mickey’s forehead, “I put her to bed and then go to sleep, are you staying up for longer or do you want to come and join me?”   
“I watch some TV, then I come up.”   
“Okay. Amy say good night to papa.”   
“Good-night papa”, she said leaned down to him, relying on Ian to catch her.   
Mickey chuckled and kissed her cheek, “Good night.”

Ian grabbed Wooly from the table and carried Amy upstairs. She tried to persuade him into playing three times, claiming she wasn’t tired yet, but as soon as Ian put her into her bed and started reading the pirate story, Amy was sound asleep. Ian read the story to the end though, for Franny, who was sleeping in the top bunk of the new girls’ room.

Mickey stayed downstairs, lazily sprawled out on the couch, he hoped no one would bother him anymore for the rest of the night. No person did, but the phone on the coffee table kept vibrating like a sex toy.

It was Ian's phone, he must have forgotten it downstairs, but Mickey was too lazy right now to bring it up.

Since Ian went upstairs, he had gotten thirteen – fourteen – text messages. Mickey had only looked at the phone once, to make sure, it wasn’t important, something about work or Lip. It was a contact called “Wes” and the words he was texting definitely weren’t about work.

Every time a new message came in, Mickey growled lowly. Weird time to text his husband, wasn’t it? Ian had never mentioned a Wes. Mickey tried to keep his jealousy in check. Ian loved him, he was loyal, he was on his meds, he wouldn’t cheat on him.

Sixteen.

Mickey wanted to throw the phone against the wall.

Ian came downstairs again, leaned over the backrest of the couch and smiled at Mick.   
“I thought you wanted to go to bed.”   
“Yeah, but I figured, I could have at least some alone time with you.”   
Mickey smiled, “I can turn off the TV and come upstairs.”   
“No, you wanted to watch that, I’ll just get comfy”, he smiled, rounded the couch and lay down on top of Mickey, he sighed contently.

The phone vibrated again.   
“Is that my phone? I was looking for it.”   
Mickey nodded, “Seventeen.”   
“Hm?”   
It vibrated again, “Eighteen”

Ian frowned, “Are you counting how many messages I get?”, Ian chuckled, “It’s probably just notifications from Twitter or some shit.”   
“No, it’s someone called ‘Wes’ texting you eighteen – nineteen- times since you went upstairs.”

Ian groaned annoyed, “Just ignore it”, he told his husband, “I’ll just silence the phone.”   
“So, who’s Wes?”   
“Colleague”, Ian shrugged.   
“Who texts you this late? And you obviously don’t even expect it to be work-related.”

Ian sighed and looked at him, “Are you implying I’m cheating on you?”   
“I’m not implying shit. I’m just saying there is a weird-ass dude who texts my husband ‘I had cream-filled doughnuts for lunch today and they made me think about you, sexy’ in the evening. I’m waiting very patiently for an explanation now before I go on a killing spree.”

Ian pulled a face, “That’s what he wrote, really?”, he shuddered, “You’re so very patient, I’m proud of you.”  
“Ian”   
“What? Do you really think I’d cheat on you? While you play with our daughter, change her diapers, feed her, wash her, clean off her spit and throw up, get up at night to calm her and raise her to 70% on your own, I have nothing better to do than stick it up some wimp who compares himself to a cream-filled doughnut? Really? You think I’m that much of an asshole?”

It really was absurd, in Ian’s eyes. Wesley was some small twink, only 18 years old, who just became an official EMT a month ago. He developed a crush on Ian, although Ian had told him multiple times that he was happily married.

Mickey shrugged, “I don’t think you’d have the time, to be honest.”   
“That’s your only argument that speaks against me having an affair with that boy?”   
“I don’t know. Since Amy, I didn’t exactly spend a lot of time working out and shit. Am always tired and-“   
“Bullshit”, Ian said and kissed him, “You’re literally the hottest man on this planet for me. I wouldn’t leave you for anyone and anything. Also, we both know that I have daddy issues through the rood and you being a good dad really works for me.”

Mickey smiled, but another text message arrived, “What is that dude’s deal?”, he grunted annoyed.   
“I know, it’s annoying as hell. I told him so many times to stop flirting and texting me because a – I’m married and b – he’s basically still a child. You can look through that chat If you want to, I always tell him to stop texting me unless it’s work-related. And I always delete his pictures immediately.”

He took his phone, finally silenced it and offered it to Mick.   
“He sends you pictures?”   
“Yes. Feels like looking at child porn, to be honest”, he shuddered again, making Mickey smile, “I don’t know what he’s thinking, he doesn’t even look good on them.”   
“Why don’t you just block him?”   
“Because I have to be available to him for work problems. I just hope that he stops at some point, he’s a kid, he’ll get over it.”

Mickey sat up, forcing Ian to sit up as well in the process, then he took his phone, “Yeah, I’m not waiting for that”, he stood up and called Wes from Ian’s phone.   
“What are you doing?”, Ian asked concerned.   
“Marking my territory.”

Ian watched him concerned, wondering if he was about to go up to Wes’ place to piss on him like a dog. Wes accepted Mickey’s call and Mickey cut him off immediately when he started talking.

“No, not Ian, you wanker. This is Ian’s husband, no listen you dumb little whore, you’re gonna keep your bitchin’ fingers away from Ian, you hear me? That’s my fucking husband you’re flirting with and if you don’t stop immediately, I will come over and break your back to go with that limp wrist!”

Ian stared at him with raised eyebrows.

“Yeah, yeah that’s what I thought, coward! If I ever hear about you harassing him again, you’re a dead man, cunt!”

Mickey hung up, shook his head, sighed and then turned to Ian again, smiling.

“So that should settle it”, he said and gave the phone back to his husband, “One word and he was squealing like a little bitch. Within the next days, I’ll pick you up from work when he’s there too, to assert further dominance.”

Ian stared at him, his mouth hung slightly open.

“Why am I so attracted to you right now?”  
Mickey smirked and wiggled with his eyebrows, Ian stood up from the couch, pulled him to him by the waist and kissed him passionately.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

September

Ian came home from a night shift, it was about seven in the morning, but, as he expected, Mickey and Amy already sat at the breakfast table.

Amy never let Mickey sleep in, and she was about the only person Ian knew off, that woke Mickey up this often without being yelled at even once.

“Good morning”, Ian sang happily when he entered the kitchen, “I brought doughnuts.”   
Ian sat the pink box down on the table and as soon as it was open, Amy had lunged over the table and grabbed a pink doughnut.

“Amy, say thank you.”   
“Thank shou”, Amy said while chewing her doughnut.   
“Such a well-mannered child”, Ian cooed, “Since when are we teacher her manners?”   
“Only towards us”, Mickey explained casually and took a doughnut as well, before biting into it, he stopped.

“Wait… it’s not our anniversary.”   
“No”, Ian said and sat down next to him.   
“And it’s not that annoying hearts and chocolate day either.”   
“Valentine’s day. No.”   
“Then what is this about? What am I missing?”, he looked warily at the treat.   
Ian grinned, “It’s Ian appreciates his husband day.”

Mickey squints and then raises an eyebrow at him. Ian chuckled and pecked his lips.

“Okay, it’s our family anniversary.”   
“Our what?”   
“Today, two years ago, Amy was brought to us.”   
“Oh”, Mickey smiled at Amy, who was licking the pink icing from the doughnut, “You know that I’m terrible with dates, do we have to get extra anniversaries? What’s her birthday for, huh?”

“Don’t worry, I’ll remind you on this one every year… I just think it can be at least one day that I will make sure to be able to spend with both of you. 100% no matter what, it will be a family day.”

Mickey smiled and kissed him.   
“I got an insider tip about the lady who owns the house next door, by the way. She’s about to die and is now selling the house next door for basically peanuts.”

Ian chewed on his bottom lip, “You think we should buy it?”   
“Either we do or someone else will and then we will never be able to get it. I know it’s a lot because you’re currently the only one who brings money in, but like I said, I can get out some old scams when money gets tight.”   
“I don’t know… I’m not comfortable with you and the scams, what if they catch you?”   
“They won’t”, Mickey rolled his eyes, “No one is even gonna notice when I-“   
Ian raised his hand, “The less I know the better”, he reminded him.

Mickey nodded, “You said you want to have the house next to the door because, well, because it’s next door, which is still a pretty weak argument for me. But if you want it, now would be the moment. But you have to decide that, it’s mainly your money. We’re fine in here for the moment, with Amy not sleeping in our room anymore and all.”

Ian nodded, “I’ll think about it. Now eat your damn doughnut, I waited in a huge ass line at not even seven in the morning to get your favourites.”   
“Hmm, I think we should have more Ian appreciates his husband days”, Mickey smirked and kissed him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had a scene of Ian at the Playground getting swarmed by the moms talking shit about Mickey in mind. But I thought, I should hurry up and get to the Mandy parts   
> If you still would like to read a scene like that, tell me, I can write it as a Oneshot
> 
> Also, I got a 1,0 in my pronunciation exam so I feel like this fucking semester actually was worth something!   
> And yesterday I wrote my Civil Law exam and today maths and it went pretty well, I think


	23. Pirate Princess Amy Gallagher

**4 Years Later**

Amy was six and a half years old and a proud first-grader. Since she started kindergarten the year before, Mickey had gone back to work, he took up a security job at the Mall, which didn’t request him to do nightshifts, since the store he was working for was closed by then.

He only worked part-time so he could pick up Amy (and more often than not Freddie too) from school. Then he would bring them home, let them play for a while, help them with their homework until Ian came home or Lip picked up Freddie.

It was their family anniversary today. Ian took up a morning shift and wanted to meet them at two at the playground. The years before he had always made sure to have the complete day off for them, but since Amy was at school anyways and Mickey was also working, this wasn’t necessary today. He rather tried to get the weekends off.

Ian was already out of the house when Mickey and Amy had breakfast. They turned the house next to the Gallagher house into their own little home. Mickey had felt at home at the Gallagher house, surrounded by his family, but this still felt different. This home was theirs, it belonged to just him, Ian and Amy. No other Gallagher could disagree with how they wanted their space to look like.

While Amy ate her cereal, Mickey made her hair. It was part of their routine for the last four years. She would decide whether it was a Princess-day or a Pirate-day and Mickey would style her hair accordingly until she was satisfied with the picture she saw in the mirror while standing on a chair in the bathroom.

Mickey wasn’t sure when exactly he became the kind of gay, that watched hair tutorials on YouTube and tried to give his daughter the perfect Elsa hair for a princess party, but all it took for Mickey to be happy with this role was Amy’s huge grin when she looked in the mirror and said “pretty”

Besides, the Elsa hair obsession was caused by the sister of her friend Laura (who was the first friend she had made back then at the playground), Laura’s sister had claimed Amy couldn’t be Elsa because Elsa was blonde. Mickey wasn’t having it, he made sure Amy had the best Elsa costume at that party and even bought little snowflake hair clips he put into her braid.

Hair for princess days required flower hairclips and Elven princess-worthy strands and buns. Pirate day was a lot of braiding small strands of her hair on the side of her head, ponytails and ghost hair clips. Mickey found it strangely relaxing to stand behind her during breakfast and pull her hair in place.

After breakfast, they put on their shoes and jackets and Mickey carried Amy’s schoolbag. When they left the house and Mickey locked the door, he had a strange feeling. Like someone was watching him.

He had gotten it yesterday as well when he came home. Mickey looked around. A few people were walking by but nobody looked up at him.

Mickey tried to shrug it off, took Amy’s hand and walked down the stairs of the house to their car. After Amy got in, Mickey looked around again, he couldn’t shake the weird feeling of being watched.

The way the red car stood a few feet down the streets there bugged him for some reason. It always stood there, belonged to the people from across the street, but today it unnerved him somehow. Behind the red car parked a grey one and before it Kev’s truck. Mickey shook his head and got into the car as well.

After he was done at work, he picked up Amy from school and went to the playground with her where they would wait for Ian.

Mickey sat on his usual bench and watched Amy climb around on the monkey bars. Mickey smiled and waved back when she waved to him.

Ian should be here soon, shouldn’t he? He took his phone out

Mick: where are you?

It took Ian only a minute to reply.

Freckles: sorry, important call from Lip

Freckles: something about Tami, I just finish talking to him then I come as quick as possible I promise

Mickey sighed and put the phone away. Lip and Tami were in the middle of a rather ugly break up. To be honest, they had all seen it coming for years, but now Tami threw Lip out, in response Lip took Freddie with him to the Gallagher’s and both were either yelling at each other or emotionally manipulating Fred the entire time. Mickey and Ian helped Lip out with Freddie, while Tami and Lip took the whole matter to court now. Tami hated it when Fred was at Ian and Mickey’s house, playing with Amy (they were best friends).

Mickey bit his bottom lip, again, he had the feeling of being stared at. Watched. Mickey briefly wondered whether someone dosed his breakfast with weed. He looked around, expecting to not see anything like usual. Behind him were just trees, behind the trees was the street again.

Mickey shook his head and looked back to Amy, but something… he imagined seeing something from the corner of his eye. He turned around again.

There, between the trees, half hiding behind one stood a woman. She had long, black hair, wore a blue jacket over a black shirt, Mickey couldn’t make out much else, but something about the way she stood there, about her face… “Mandy?”, Mickey whispered.

He jumped up from the bench, and the woman noticed him, she quickly turned away, turned around and made her way through the trees to the street. Mickey went after her, “Mandy?”, he called, then he started running after her.

She wasn’t running but walking quickly, Mickey could have probably caught her with no effort, but she reached the street before he could get close, opened the door of a grey car, got in and the driver rushed away with her. Mickey stopped when the car speeded out of view.

He stood between the last couple of trees by the road and stared at the spot where the woman had vanished. He ran his hand through his hair.

Was that really Mandy? No, it couldn’t be… if it was her, she would have talked to him, right? She would have responded when he called her. She would have said hello to her daughter and let Mickey help her, right?

Mickey swallowed hard and rubbed his hands over his face.

It couldn’t have been Mandy. That was impossible.

He slowly walked back to the playground, not sure what to think and how to feel.

He was so deep in thought he almost didn’t notice Ian and Amy sitting on the bench already. He wondered, for how long he had been standing by the road.

“Hey, Mick, where were you?”   
“I just”, Mickey pointed to the trees, then lowered his arm, “Just”, he shrugged, maybe it was better to not tell him anything. He wasn’t even sure what just happened and Amy didn’t know anything about Mandy’s existence, he wouldn’t bring it up around her, “Nothing.”   
“Nothing?”   
Mickey smiled, “Who wants ice cream?”   
“Me!”, Amy exclaimed.   
“Then let’s go” Mickey reached his hand out to her. Ian smiled got up from the bench and kissed Mickey’s cheek.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A few days later, Mickey’s mind was still at the playground and the woman. By now, he was almost sure that it hadn’t been Mandy. No, Mandy looked completely different. The woman in the park maybe didn’t even have black hair, it was probably just brown, it could have been dark red, as well. And even if it was black, many women had black hair.

It was a warm Sunday afternoon, Mickey sat on the couch, watching TV, while Amy was drawing something. Mickey could hear Ian and Lip having a muffled conversation in the kitchen.

“Freddie says, Uncle Lip and Tami are breaking up. Tami wants to take him to her family, but they live far, far away.”   
“Don’t worry, Ames, Lip and Daddy are doing everything they can, so Freddie stays here.”   
Amy sighed still unsatisfied. She pushed the pictures away and started tracing the lines of Mickey’s tattoo he had on his forearm. Sandy’s work.

“Papa, can I colour your tattoo?”   
“My tattoo?”, Mickey asked and looked at her confused.   
Amy picked up her markers and pointed at the tattoo in question.   
“Did you run out of paper?”   
Amy shrugged, “I don’t like my picture anymore.”

Amy ruffled her long black hair, which she wore open today. Amy was pretty upset at the thought of her best friend leaving. She had other friends, like Laura, who she liked a lot, and another cousin as well, but Freddie was still her favourite family member and best friend.

“Okay, you can colour my tattoo”, Mickey said, when he couldn’t think of any other way to cheer her up. Amy smiled at him and immediately got to work.

A good thirty minutes later, Ian came running from the kitchen to them.   
“Amy, pack up your things, please. Mickey, we have to go… somewhere.”

Mickey looked at him confused.  
“Where?”   
Ian glanced at Amy, “I’ll tell you on the way. Get up. Sweetie, uncle Lip takes you next door and watches you, okay?”   
“Where are you going?”   
“Papa and I just have to take care of something important, we’ll be back in a flash.”

Mickey was still confused, he looked at Lip, who stood in the doorway to the kitchen with a serious look on his face. He sighed and got up from the couch.

Ian about pushed him into the car.   
“Could you fucking tell me what this is about?”, Mickey asked annoyed.   
“Yeah, sure, uhm… I’m not sure how I’m supposed to say it…”   
“You could start by telling me where the fuck we’re going. What we want there. And why it’s so important that it can’t wait five minutes.”

“The Hospital”, Ian said.   
“Did something happen?”, Mickey asked, no concerned too.   
“They called you on your cell phone, it was in the kitchen, so I answered. “  
“And?”   
“And… apparently”, he sighed deeply, “Apparently there was a woman there who gave birth to a little boy, then wrote a note and left the hospital… without the baby.”

Mickey’s mind went back to the woman in the park. He tried to remember whether she had been pregnant or not. He ran his hand through his hair.

“Are you saying…”, he trailed off.   
“Mandy”, Ian nodded and bit his bottom lip, he took Mickey’s hand and stroked his thumb over his knuckles, “In the note she said, again, we should take care of the baby. The hospital called and asked us to come over and look at him…”

“Another baby?”, Mickey said slowly, he had a hard time comprehending this… Mandy had been here. She had been at the park, watching him and Amy, right? Why would she run away from him then, if she was pregnant? Why wouldn’t she ask him for help? Why wouldn’t she fucking stay? Why would she pull the same shit as back then?

“At least, she left him at the hospital right away and didn’t… you know”, Ian mumbled, remembering the condition Amy had been in when she had been brought to them.   
“Yeah”, Mickey whispered.

The rest of the drive passed quietly. They went into the hospital and soon found themselves looking at rows of newborn babies. A doctor approached them.

“Mr Milkovich?”, he asked.   
Mickey nodded, “It’s Gallagher now, got married.”   
“Nice to meet you both”, he said politely, “Thank you for being able to come so quickly. This is quite an unusual situation for us. If I’m informed correctly, you are Amanda Milkovich’s brother?”   
“Yes. She was here?”   
“She was here. Checked herself in two days ago. She delivered a son. This morning she left on her own and only left a note saying she wants her brother and his partner Mr Gallagher, I assume that’s you, to take him in and take care of him.”

“Can I see the note?”, Mickey asked immediately.   
“It doesn’t say more than what I just told you.”   
“I need to see it, though.”

The doctor looked at him weirdly, then opened the file in his hand and handed a piece of paper to Mickey.

_Dear Nurses and Doctor,  
I can’t take care of my baby. I want to, but I can’t. I’m not good for him. My brother Mikhailo Milkovich will take care of him, he and his partner took in my little girl already and are the most loving parents a child could have, my boy, will be fine with them too. I will always love my children, but they are better off if they’re not my children, but Mickey’s children. Please, social workers, doctors, nurses, whoever, give him into the care of:   
Mikhailo Aleksander Milkovich   
Ian Clayton Gallagher   
2115 South Wallace, Chicago IL_

_Thank you,  
Mandy Milkovich_

“Is he healthy?”, Ian asked next to Mickey, who was analysing the latter.   
The doctor cleared his throat, “That is what I wanted to talk about with you next. Apparently, your sister has taken drugs during pregnancy. This results in her son being born addicted to drugs, he is currently detoxing and until he is fully detoxed has to remain in our care.”

Ian nodded knowingly. When he and some of his siblings were born, they were addicted to the drugs their mother had taken during the pregnancy, too. It was something they could handle.

Ian looked at Mickey, who was still staring at his sister’s note as if he was looking for something, a hidden code or a secret map written in invisible ink.

“We already adopted Mandy’s older child. Are there social workers already involved with the boy?”   
“Yes, but if you already have a social worker assigned to your family, I’m sure they will hand the matter over to them. Maybe you should call them up and check though. Overall, I’m just here to inform you about the baby, I’m not responsible for adoption matters, this will be discussed with the social workers. But still, I would like to know whether it’s plausible that you take the boy in, too.”

Ian looked at Mickey again, he touched his arm. Mickey looked up quickly, “Of course we take him in. Right?”   
Ian licked over his bottom lip, looking unsure for a moment, but then he nodded, “Right.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After they left the hospital, they sat silently in the car for a while.

Mickey leaned his head against the cool window and sighed deeply.   
“Are you okay?”, Ian asked.   
Mickey nodded and exhaled deeply.

“What was so interesting about the note?”, Ian asked for a while, “When Amy came, you also read that note a hundred times. Did you see something I didn’t?”

Mickey pressed his lips together and looked at his husband, who gently took his hand in his.

“She called me Milkovich”, he said finally, “When she wrote my name, she wrote Milkovich back then and now again.”   
“Okay, so? How would she know we got married?”   
“But the address was correct. Wrong last name, but she wrote down the new address. Also, she gave birth here, in Chicago. She’s _here_ ”

Ian looked at him dumbfounded. For some reason, his brain hadn’t been fully aware of this, yet.   
Ian leaned back in his seat confused, “She’s here. Gave birth and left… why didn’t she come to us?”

They sat in the car in silence for a while.   
“I saw her”, Mickey whispered eventually.   
“What?”   
“I saw her… a few days ago. At least, I thought it was here. I went after her, called her name but she didn’t turn around, didn’t stop… She obviously watched us for a while, or she wouldn’t have known that we live in the new house now.”

They looked at each other quietly, both thinking the same thing, but neither felt strong enough to ask again: Why didn’t she come to them? Why didn’t she ask for help? What – or who – was stopping her?

Mickey rubbed his hands over his face and sighed frustrated.   
“About the baby”, he said and started picking on his jacket, “We do take him in, right?”   
“Yes, of course.”   
“You hesitated earlier.”   
Ian sat up straight, “No, yes, I mean… not because of the baby, a second child would be great, just… what about our jobs and stuff…”   
Mickey shrugged, “I quit my job again and take care of him. I’m only working part-time anyways, so I can be home with Amy in the afternoon.”

“You just started working again.”   
“Yeah, but… you know, me and legal work, we never really clicked. I hate it that our finances would fall on you alone again, but you also know I could always get us money.”   
“No scams.”   
“Ey, two years ago when money was tight, I remember a certain someone suddenly not having a problem with spending the scam money anymore.”   
“That was for Amy’s birthday.”   
“Exactly. We only use the scam money for the kids. Morally totally okay.”   
“With your morals maybe”, Ian shook his head, “And you’d be okay with having the responsibility of both children while I’m at work? Amy alone can be a handful.”

“Yeah, she can. Just, I love you, but the last six years with her were the best ones of my life, the best ones of our relationship, too.”   
Ian smiled lovingly at him, “Yes, they were. Admit it, you just really miss being a full-time-daddy.”   
Mickey rolled his eyes but had to smile, “I do. I miss being a full-time-daddy. It’s way more rewarding than any other job. Just not money-wise.”   
Ian grinned and leaned over to kiss his cheek. He took Mickey’s hand again and looked at Mickey’s tattoo which Amy had coloured earlier.

“When we bought the house I had hoped to have another child at some point, we have an extra room for him.”   
Mickey nodded and then started chuckling, “Amy will be pissed ‘But Daddy I wanted a puppy, not a brother’”   
Ian started laughing too when Mickey imitated Amy’s high voice, “Right size, wrong species”   
Mickey snorted and shook his head while laughing.

Ian started the car, “Well then, we should head home and tell her the good news.”   
Mickey nodded, “I’ll call Mrs Moss later, ask her if she knows anything about the Baby and if she is responsible for him as well.”   
Ian nodded and kissed him with a smile.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

They went over to the Gallagher house where Amy and Freddie played UNO with Lip and Franny.

“Hey, we’re back”, Ian announced when they entered the kitchen.   
“Dad, look I’ve won three times in a row!”   
“You’re cheating”, Freddie complained.   
“It’s not cheating if you hold your cards right into my face”, she grinned, Freddie folded his cards on the table.

“How did it go?”, Lip asked.   
Ian looked to Mickey and then shrugged, “Surprising.”   
Lip frowned, “So… any announcements?”

Amy looked at her fathers expectantly.   
“Yeah”, Ian flashed his brother a smile and then reached his hand out for Amy, “Come here, Sweetie, we have to tell you something.”   
They went to the living room with Amy, while the rest stayed in the kitchen.

“What is it?”, Amy asked when she was sitting between Ian and Mickey on the couch, “Where were you?”   
“We were at a hospital”, Ian said.   
“Are you sick again?”   
Ian looked down and bit his lip, Mickey reached over and out his hand on his shoulder.   
“No, Daddy’s not sick, Amy. You don’t need to worry about that.”   
“Okay. Why were you at the hospital?”

“Well, what would you say, if we said we were having another baby?”   
Amy pulled her eyebrows together.   
“A baby?”   
“Yes, a little brother for you. Because there is a little boy with no parents that would need some dads and a big sister.”   
“Oh”, she said and leaned back into the couch.

“What do you say?”, Ian asked, “Do you want a little baby brother? He’s really cute and he would love to have you as his big sister.”   
“But he doesn’t even know me”   
“Not yet, but I know he’ll love you very much.”   
“Can’t I have a sister? Like Anna and Elsa?”   
“Sorry honey, but you can’t choose whether the baby is a girl or a boy. Will a brother be okay too?”

Amy looked from her dad to her pops and back, then she nodded, “But only if he’s a really, really cute baby. Then he can be my brother. But he can’t have my room.”   
“No, he’ll have his own room.”   
“Then it’s okay”, she nodded, “I will be the first one to be a big sister in the family”, she grinned referring to her cousins.

Ian grinned and ran his hand over her head, “You’re gonna be a great big sister.”   
“When can I meet him?”   
“I don’t know, tomorrow or in a few days, sweetie.”   
“And what’s his name?”

Mickey and Ian looked at each other and both shrugged.   
“He doesn’t have a name yet, Ames”, Mickey said, “Maybe you can to help us choosing a name.”   
“Oh! Can we name him Jack?”   
“Jack?”   
“Like Jack Sparrow”

Ian looked at Mickey, “I thought we decided she’s too young to watch Pirates of the Caribbean.”   
“She wouldn’t stop asking”, Mickey rolled his eyes, “Amy, we don’t name your brother after a movie Character.”   
“You’re no fun”, Amy mumbled and leaned against Ian dramatically.

Ian chuckled, “She’s so your daughter”, he wrapped his arms around Amy and kissed the top of her head, “Amy, run and tell your cousins about your brother.”   
Amy nodded, jumped from the couch and ran to the kitchen.

“Jack ain’t a bad name, actually”, Mickey said.   
“No, I once had something with a dude named Jack, you broke his nose when you saw me talking to him, remember?”   
“That was… more than 15 years ago.”   
Ian smiled, “You’re getting old.”   
“If the name of every dude you fucked is out of the question, we’re left with like three options for names, you are aware of that right?”   
“Oh come on, it’s not like I was that much of a slut.”   
“Well…”  
“Bitch”, Ian chuckled and hit his shoulder, then leaned over to him and kissed his cheek, “I chose you, after all.”   
“It’s not like I gave you much of a choice, Freckles.”

“Hey, guys, are you coming to celebrate the new baby or what?”, Lip called from the kitchen.   
Ian pecked Mickey’s lips again and went to the kitchen, “Coming?”   
“In a second, I’ll have a cigarette first.”

Mickey went outside, but let the cigarettes in his pocket. He went down the stairs to the fence of the Gallagher lot. He looked up and down the street. There was Kev’s truck, the neighbour’s red car, Debbie’s truck, a few other cars, old, run-down. Now foreign car, nothing that didn’t belong here. For a moment he thought he imagined seeing black hair hiding behind the truck on the other side of the street, but then a cat appeared between the cars and ran away.

Mickey sighed and went back inside.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Son's name? Johnny
> 
> So, this was short, but the next one will be good again, I promise.


	24. We stay family

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 10 years later
> 
> Amy – 16 years old  
> Johnny – 10 years old  
> Ian – 42 years old  
> Mickey – 44 years old

It was the morning of Amy’s 16th birthday.   
Mickey was making pancakes downstairs, Ian came down to the kitchen with Johnny.   
“Johnny, I said, put on a sweater, it’s cold outside.”   
“No, it’s not so cold, it’s already spring!”   
“Oh yeah, when you get a cold, I won’t be the one to make soup and tea for you.”   
“I know, papa will.”, Johnny ran over to Mickey and broke off a piece of a pancake Mickey had already finished.

“Hey, wait until your sister comes down. And put on the sweater your dad put out for you, you’re gonna freeze to death.”   
“No, I won’t.”   
“How about, you’re walking to school today then? I don’t have to give you a ride.”

Johnny growled at him, crossed his arms in front of his chest and went upstairs to get his sweater. Ian sighed and walked over to his husband, he stole a pancake and smirked at Mickey before eating it.

“They’re for your daughter”, Mickey scolded.   
“She’ll survive it.”   
Mickey rolled his eyes, then he dug in the pocket of his jacket and got the ring box with Mandy’s ring out, he opened it and looked at the ring thoughtfully.

They had decided together to give the ring to Amy on her birthday. It was a big deal to Mickey, Ian knew this, so he didn’t want to say anything against it.

“I also think it’s time to tell her about Mandy.”, Mickey said.   
They had talked about this as well, but Ian was against it.   
“What’s the use, honestly? Why should we tell her about her? It wouldn’t change anything.”   
“Better we tell her than her finding out on her own. What if anyone else tells her and then she’s mad at us and won’t talk to us anymore? Then she runs away from home, falls in love with a homeless guy and sells herself into prostitution – she’s only 16 years old.”

Ian frowned, “You’re watching too much TV.”   
“Probably. Still. It’s important that she knows about Mandy. She’s part of her family.”   
“As her aunt. Not as her mother.”   
“Of course not as her mother. We stay her parents, but she should know about where she comes from.”   
Ian sighed, “I don’t know… when I was told that my dad is just my uncle and my uncle is my dad, I didn’t feel exactly great.”   
“But you said yourself, that was because all your other siblings were your dad’s kids and you were afraid to not belong there anymore. Shouldn’t be the case here.”

Ian nodded while biting his lip, “You really think it’s a good idea?”   
“Yes. Better she hears it from us than from anyone else. She’s getting older… she’s sixteen, she has that stupid boyfriend, she’s not the little pirate princess anymore… what if she completely turns away from us?”

Ian smiled and put his arm around him, “She’s just going through puberty. Compared to our relationships with our fathers at that age, we’re like super close with her.”   
“She’s sixteen, it all could change. I don’t want to give her reason to push us away. So, we have to be honest with her.”   
“You act like the whole world is ending and everything’s changing because she turns sixteen”, Ian chuckled.

Mickey looked him dead in the eye, “When you were sixteen you were banging the 50-year-old father of your sister’s boyfriend. And an aggressive, dirty, good-for-nothing thug at the same time.”   
“Whom I got married to.”   
“Exactly, you’re mental. So, can we tell her?”   
Ian sighed, “Okay, maybe she deserves the truth and all that crap. I go check if Pirate Princess got out of her bed yet.”

Ian kissed his forehead and went upstairs.   
Amy just came out of her room on the way to the bathroom.

“Hey, birthday girl”, Ian grinned and hugged her, “Happy Birthday.”   
“Thanks, dad.”   
“Listen, Ames, be nice to your papa today, okay?”   
“Why?”   
“You know, he’s having a hard time with you growing up and all that stuff.”   
“You mean like when he held my boyfriend at gunpoint?”   
Ian failed to suppress a smile, “If he gets a bit sentimental and embarrassing just… cut him some slack, will you?”

Amy raised her eyebrows, “Why? What is his plan? Why aren’t you stopping him?”   
“Nothing bad. I promise. Just be nice to him.”   
“It’s my birthday, shouldn’t that mean everyone has to be nice to me?”   
“He made pancakes for you, that nice enough?”   
“It’s a start”, she grinned, “Can I go to the bathroom now?”

Ian stopped hugging her and stepped back, “Did you see Johnny?”   
Amy shrugged and pointed to his room.

Amy, Ian and Johnny came downstairs at the same time. Mickey congratulated her and hugged her and gave everyone pancakes.

After a few minutes, they sent Johnny to the living room, to watch some TV before school, so they could talk to Amy.

“Why is he allowed to watch TV before school when it’s my birthday?”   
“We want to talk to you.”, Mickey said. Amy looked from him to Ian, who nodded.

“We want to give you one of your presents now already.”   
Amy started grinning when Mickey slid the ring box to her. She took the box and looked at it curiously, she opened it and took the ring out.

“Wow, it’s beautiful, thank you”, she grinned looked at the ring closely.   
“It’s a family heirloom.”   
“We have family heirlooms that aren’t guns?”   
“Yes, that one. It belonged to my sister, my mother, grandmother and so on.”   
“So, try it on”, Ian encouraged her.

Amy slipped the ring on her finger, “It fits”, she smiled, “Thank you so much.”   
Mickey looked at Ian, who nodded.   
“There’s something else we want to talk about with you. Regarding the ring and… family.”

“What? Is it the one ring and I now have to find a volcano and throw it in there?”   
“No. It’s about… well…”, Mickey cleared his throat, “You’re adopted.”   
Amy raised her eyebrows, “No, really? I have two dads and neither of you pushed me out? I’m shocked, utterly shocked.”

Ian chuckled and leaned his forehead against Mickey’s shoulder, who just rolled his eyes.   
“We want to talk about your birth-mom.”, Mickey said finally.

Ian sat up straight again and Amy stopped smiling.   
“You knew my birth mom?”   
“Yes. Your birth mom is…”, Mickey started to gesture aimlessly around the room.   
“Mandy”, Ian ended the sentence, “Your birth mom is your pops sister Mandy.”

Ian took the photo that was lying face down in front of him and pushed it over to Amy. It was a very old photograph from when they were all Teenagers, more than twenty years ago. Ian hadn’t looked at the photo in a long time until he got it from upstairs earlier. It was stunning how similar Amy and Mandy looked.

They both had long, beautiful black hair, had a similar body type and height. Mandy was seventeen in the photo and Amy could be her twin sister.

“So… my aunt is actually my mother?”   
“Kind of, yes”, Mickey nodded, “We just thought you had the right to know.”   
She put the photo on the table again, “And where is she?”   
Mickey and Ian exchanged a look and then decided for a shrug.

“She is missing for almost twenty years, you know that.”   
“So what, she just left, had a kid, dumped it with you and left again?”   
“No, not quite. It’s a very long and complicated story and honestly, you don’t need to know all the details.”

Amy shook her head, “Good, I don’t want to know the details. I don’t fucking care about this woman, she can stay wherever the fuck she is”, she got up from the table.

“Amy, please don’t be mad.”, Ian said.   
“I’m not”, she grunted, “I have to go to school, you don’t need to give me a ride, I walk with Fred.”   
“Hey, Ames, just one thing, please don’t tell Johnny about this, okay?”   
“Why, is he too…”   
“Yes.”

She nodded and scoffed, “She ain’t great at learning from mistakes then, is she?”, she said, grabbed her stuff, threw some pancakes into a box and left the house.

“Well, that could have gone better”, Ian mumbled and rubbed Mickey’s back.   
“You think?”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Freddie, Ronnie and Laura waited in the girl’s bathroom on the second floor. They often hid here during the breaks to smoke. Amy looked up and down the hallway to see if a teacher was near before entering the bathroom.

“Hey, birthday girl”, Laura shouted, “Come here, Freddie said, your dads made pancakes this morning, did you bring any?”   
Ronnie came over to her and kissed her, “Happy Birthday, baby.”   
“Thanks”, Amy mumbled, then got the box with pancakes from her bag and gave it to Laura.   
“You really gonna eat that here in the bathroom?”, Freddie asked and took a drag from his cigarette. Laura just shrugged and kept eating.

Ronnie put his arm around Amy’s shoulders, “Are you alright? You look upset.”   
“Her dads gave her a birthday present she doesn’t like”, said Freddie, “But she didn’t want to tell me what it was.”

Amy sighed, “Okay if you have to know: they told me who birthed me.”   
Her friends looked at her surprised.   
“They told you who your mother is?”   
“She ain’t my mother, okay? Just some woman who pushed me out – oh, and she’s my fucking aunt. Or maybe my dad is my uncle, I don’t know. Fuck”, she cursed and Freddie handed a cigarette over.

“I thought you don’t care who your mom is”, Laura said, “Why are you angry now? Isn’t it nice to know that you’re actually related to your dad?”   
“That’s not the fucking point, okay? Even if I wanted to know who she is… I didn’t want it to be my long-lost aunt. I – I don’t know, I thought my mom was some teenagers that accidentally got pregnant and then gave me up for adoption because she was too young to handle it. Or something like that… but my aunt just had me as an adult and then dumped me with my dads and left again, knowing fully well where and who I was the entire time. And here’s the real kicker – she did the same fucking thing with Johnny.”

“Would you have preferred it if she kept you?”, Ronnie asked confused, Amy had always been happy with her dads, not once had she uttered the desire to meet her birth parents.   
Amy paused.

“No”, she said finally and shook her head, “I just think it’s fucking bullshit to have a child, dump it at your brother and then disappear again. No one ever talks about that woman, because everyone has been worried as fuck about her for years. Who does that?”

“Babe, calm down, her actions don’t have to your concern. Just because you know now who your birth mom is, doesn’t mean you have to care or analyse her behaviour.”

“So, I’m just supposed to ignore it? How am I supposed to ignore that?”   
Laura smirked, “Drink until the part of your brain who knows it dies.”   
Ronnie shot her a look.   
“Oh don’t look at me like that, drug-dealer.”   
“I don’t deal, I only delivered my brother’s drugs because he isn’t allowed to get closer than 100 feet to the school.”

While Ronnie and Laura got into their usual quarrel, Amy crossed the bathroom and joined Freddie by the window.

“You really that upset because your birther left you with your dads?”   
Amy shrugged, “I don’t know… maybe it’s…”, she sighed, “I don’t want my dad to be my uncle. If my mom would have been just some chick that my dads didn’t even know, it would be fine. This way… my aunt is my mom, my dad is my uncle, my brother is actually my brother – don’t know how I feel about that one yet – it’s different than if they would have chosen me. Mandy just dumped me on her brother and he said ‘okay guess I have to raise this little spawn’.”

Freddie put his hand on his cousin’s shoulder, “Hey, Amy, your dads are still your dads. Your aunt is still your aunt, I’m still your cousin. Your dads love you so much, Ronnie over there almost shat his pants when he met them for the first time. No way you gonna feel like they didn’t want you.”

“The reason Ronnie almost shat his pants is that they met him when he had his hand on my boobs.”   
“Sure, but the point is, they care so much about you that Mickey has the reputation to kill everyone that lays a hand on you. You really wanna sit here and let your brain tell you, that they didn’t choose you and just raised you because they had to when Mandy ‘dumped’ you on them? Really?” 

Amy smiled, “You’re right. Thanks, Fred.”

Suddenly the door to the girls' bathroom was pushed open and their chemistry teacher suddenly stood in front of the group. Freddie quickly threw their cigarettes out of the window.

“Gallagher, Hold, McKennan – out! You are not allowed to spend the breaks here, this is the bathroom, the girl’s bathroom Fred and Ronald. Out!”

The four quickly got their things together and stumbled out of their bathroom.   
“Gallagher”, she said sharply.   
Amy and Freddie both stopped.   
“You were smoking again”, she narrowed her eyes.   
“Me? No, you must be mistaken. But, Riley Levski has been in here a few minutes ago, it was probably her. You should check that out”, Freddie said seriously, turned around, smirked and left the restroom with his friends.

“Dude, there is no chick with that name in school.”   
“Yeah, it’ll be fun to watch her trying to find her though.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In the evening, Amy and Johnny said on the couch while Mickey was making dinner. Amy toyed with Mandy’s ring. She looked at Johnny, who was excited to be allowed to watch NCIS with Amy (usually, Mickey and Ian said he was too young to watch it) Maybe Amy was even glad that he was her little brother by blood, too.”

She eventually sighed, got up and went to see her father in the kitchen.   
“Papa”   
“Yeah?”, Mickey said without looking up.  
“About this whole Mandy thing…”

Mickey looked up at her and bit his bottom lip, waiting for her to continue.   
“I decided I don’t care.”   
He looked at her confused.   
“She’s just my aunt, nothing more. I don’t care where she is, what her reasons were. She’s just my aunt nothing more, nothing less.”

Mickey nodded, “Of course she is. You’re our daughter, she gave away that right when she left you with us. I just thought it would be better you hear it from us instead of finding out through someone else at some point.”

Amy propped her elbows up on the counter, “Probably.”   
“I just want to know, Mandy is a good person. She was your dads best friends, after all. She didn’t leave you with us because she didn’t love you or whatever, she just knew you’d be better off with us.”   
Amy shrugged and played with the ring on her finger.

“It may sound gay, but it’s important to me you’re wearing that. It’s the only thing we have left of Mandy… well, except you and Johnny.”   
“Papa, you are gay.”   
“Yeah, but I’m not that gay.”   
“You’re pretty gay, you’re married to a man.”   
“I have a cousin who is married to a man although he’s not gay. They got married to have spousal privilege in court.”   
Amy nodded, “Yeah, I’m sure they’re completely straight.”

Mickey chuckled, “Go, set the table and get your brother away from the TV.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

A week later.

It was the weekend, Amy slept in, Johnny sat in front of the TV and Ian and Mickey prepared breakfast together, goofing around in the kitchen as long as the kids weren’t annoying them.

Someone knocked on the door.   
Mickey sighed, “Did you invite Lip for breakfast again?”   
“No”, Ian shrugged, “Maybe he and Debbie got into a fight again. I go check”

He kissed his husband’s cheek and went to the front door.   
“Hey, Johnny, TV time is over, shut it off, and go wash up, okay?”, he said when he passed him in the living room.

Johnny complained, but shut off the TV. Ian opened the door and the smile fell from his face.   
In front of him stood a woman in her early 40s, she wore a blue sweater and a black jacket and jeans, she had long black hair, which she had tied into a ponytail. On her hip, she held a boy not older than

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, I failed my linguistics&syntax exam. Fuck everything. It's the professor's fault tho, I'm fucking tired of online UNI especially when the professors can't teach this way.


End file.
